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This is the full transcript for A Lot Like Christmas. See also: Credits.


TranscriptEdit

Opening SceneEdit

Plot Segment 1Edit

The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! Tonight's winner receives {shows off coupon reading "150 BOTOX INJECTIONS" with a plunger to the right of "INJECTIONS" and an old man below the plunger} this coupon for 150 botox injections! This Christmas, kiss your wrinkles goodbye!...if you can still use your lips. {puts coupon down on table} Okay, cover your ears, Dalton. {picks word sign up} Red, you got 30 seconds to get Dalton Humphrey...

{Winston turns the sign around, which reads "Yule".}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...to say this word... "Yule". "Yule".

RED GREEN: All right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sets sign down on table} And, go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Dalton, this is an old-fashioned word for Christmas.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Humbug.

RED GREEN: Okay, think about this: something-tide.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Lemon fresh?

RED GREEN: Okay, okay. Remember that bald guy who was in the movies, who was a really great actor?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Elmer Fudd.

RED GREEN: Okay, this is a kind of log that people use at Christmas.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Catalog?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, this is something people burn.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Uh, money.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You guys are almost out of time.

RED GREEN: Why do you have such a negative attitude towards the festive season, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, gee, you should come by my house Christmas morning. Then yule see.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Winston hands coupon to Dalton}

If It Ain't Broke, You're Not TryingEdit

Handyman CornerEdit

Ranger Gord on ChristmasEdit

Plot Segment 2Edit

AdventuresEdit

Red's Handyman TipsEdit

The ExpertsEdit

{The camera slowly zooms in on Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: This is the portion of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say:

{Harold is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Hap are sitting on a car-themed couch.}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

HAROLD GREEN: Ha, that's true, eh? {picks up a letter} Okay, today's letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts:" La la la. "I am nine years old and all my friends say that Santa Claus does not exist. Is this true, or does he actually exist?"

RED GREEN: Oh, boy, that's a tough one. I don't know if I've ever seen a real Santa Claus. I mean, a fat, obese guy with a white beard pretty much describes every Lodge member.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, Santa's not really obese, Red. He's just overweight. They eat a lot of blubber up there at the North Pole, you know. And it's not just loaded with unsaturated fat, it is unsaturated fat.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've actually met Santa Claus, Mr. Shaughnessy?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, no, to say I've met him would be pushing it.

RED GREEN: And when Hap starts pushing it, we end up shoving it.

HAROLD GREEN: This viewer's asked a specific question and if we can answer it, we should.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, uh, you know, I don't like to exaggerate, but my run-in with Santa saved the world from nuclear annihilation.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} You asked for this.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It was Christmas Eve 1963. We were holding at our fail-safe points when word came from the Pentagon that an unidentified aircraft was approaching from the north. They figured it was the leading edge of a massive Russian attack, and we proceeded towards our targets inside the Soviet Union while NORAD got ready to shoot the airplane down. Well, when we opened the bomb-ay doors, we could see that, actually, it was Santa in his sleigh.

RED GREEN: Any alcohol served on that flight, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: You know, Harold, a lot of this stuff is classified information. I may have said too much already.

RED GREEN: Oh, for sure.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, well, um, I would say to this viewer that, um, sometimes, you just have to believe, even though that may be difficult, and I'll tell you this much, I believe in Santa Claus.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I believe in Santa.

RED GREEN: I believe in Santa more than I believe in Hap.

Plot Segment 3Edit

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