This is the full transcript for A Very Merry Red Green Christmas. See also: Credits.


Opening SceneEdit

{It is winter in the area, all covered in snow. Red sits across two chairs on Possum Lake, all frozen in ice. He holds a frozen, uncooked turkey in his lap. The turkey has a long strip of duct tape covering the middle.}

RED GREEN: If you're anything like me, after Christmas dinner last year, you ended up stretched out on the sofa with your pants undone, moaning, "Why didn't somebody stop me?" Well, here's a low-fat alternative to eating all that turkey at Christmas that's gonna take the strain off your waistband and also get you out in the fresh air. {sits up straight} Okay, the first thing you wanna do is grab the frozen turkey. Get it out of the freezer before it defrosts. {holds a door handle, also covered in duct tape} Then what you wanna do is take the door handle off of the fridge. Very important. This way, you won't be able to get into the fridge so you can't sneak down in the middle of the night to eat another handful of jellied salad. {holds up turkey, which has another door handle duct-taped to the top of it} Now all you gotta do is attach the door handle to the turkey the way I've done here. {holds up turkey by door handle} And you can curl that bird to a leaner, healthier you.

{Red gets up and walks across the ice with the turkey. He then stops and stoops down. He then tosses the turkey across the ice. It rolls end over end along the ice and then slides toward a makeshift, painted curling target, where other frozen turkeys, all with door handles duct-taped to them all lie in various positions on the target. The new turkey bumps into another turkey and knocks it aside.}

Plot Segment 1Edit

(The lodge is decorated for Christmas. Red and Harold enter the lodge, wearing coats. Red waves to the camera while Harold hangs up his coat on a cross in the corner)

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. (Harold walks up close to Red) Thank you. Yeah, we sure appreciate that. In all the best of you and yours from me and mine and his and hers and whatever else it says on the towels, uh, this here is our Christmas special. And as you can see, Harold is– (notices that Harold is dressed in a fancy outfit with a yellow shirt, green vest and dark slacks) Holy... That's quite an outfit you got there. You should not stand still; people put presents under you.

HAROLD GREEN: I thought you might appreciate it. It's my Christmas outfit.

RED GREEN: Yeah? Well, it's better than your birthday suit. Anyway, it's great to have you up here for the whole Christmas break, Harold. Appreciate it, yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, I'm just here for the Christmas show.


HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, the company asked me to work over Christmas and I said yes.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, you gotta learn to say no! It's not that hard. Just pretend you're your own girlfriend. Which I'm sure you are.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I was kinda hoping you might knock it off with the insults, you know, being Christmas and everything.

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, I'm kidding ya! When I insult you like that, that's because I like ya.



HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay! That's cool! Okay, alright, yeah. All right, well, thank you very much then, you fat, old, burned-out doofus! (both smile and nod)

The Friendly Side of DynamiteEdit

Handyman Corner 1Edit

{Red stands in the dining room of someone's house behind a table filled with a Christmas dinner. He holds a turkey leg in his hand.}

RED GREEN: You know, a big part of Christmas has to be the eating. Something comes over people, and they just start chowing down like they were stocking up a bomb shelter. But there's also a downside: messing up your house with all those people, and messing up your kitchen cooking all that food. But you know something? {puts turkey leg down on table} There's a better way.

{Red leaves the dining room. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks out of the house and up to a car parked outside.}

RED GREEN: All right, the first step is you call up your relatives and tell them that after 43 Christmases of mooching off everyone else, it's finally their turn to have Christmas dinner. {walks up to car's hood and opens it} Oh, sure, they'll probably balk at first. But then you give them the clincher: you'll bring the food. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, Red. That still messes up your kitchen." Or "Hey, Red, I don't get it." Or "Boy, I wish I had a pair of pants like those." {holds up hand} But the key to the whole deal is, we're gonna cook Christmas dinner as we drive over there.

{Red leans in toward the car's engine. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins, with Red putting various food pieces on the car while explaining, in voiceover narration, what to do. For the purpose of this transcript and to avoid confusion, the script is provided by way of an "Adventures" setup:}

Action on screen Red's voiceover
An uncooked turkey has been placed on the edge of the car. Red is pulling parts out of the engine, including the air cleaner. He then places the turkey on the engine block Okay, first thing you wanna do, get the air cleaner off there. Put the turkey right on the engine block.
Red takes the engine thermostat control unit and places it inside the turkey. Now take the engine thermostat control unit and jam that up the rear end of the turkey.
Later, Red places a piece of duct tape on the temperature gauge in the car. He then writes, with a Black Magic Marker, "DONE" over the higher end of the temperature gauge. Now, that'll affect your temperature gauge. You gotta change that to show you when the turkey's done.
Red removes the cap and intake unit off the car's windshield washer tank. He then pours into a pot full of turkey gravy. He then places the cap and intake unit back on the tank. He then disconnects the windshield squirter and places it on top of the turkey. He places a piece of duct tape over it. And you wanna disconnect the windshield washer fluid. You wanna fill that up with the turkey gravy. Then you put the intake unit back in there. And now of course, you wanna– you don't want that all over your windshield, so you want to redirect the squirter to... Actually, put a piece of duct tape on there and aim her all over the turkey.
Red then sits in the car and turns the washer knob a few times. The gravy squirts out of the squirter and onto the turkey. And now, when you apply the windshield washer stuff, you're actually basting the bird.
Next, Red walks up to the engine holding a bag of frozen peas. He opens up the car's radiator and dumps the peas into it. Some of the peas land on the edge of the car, however. All right, next thing you wanna do is, you wanna fill the rad with frozen peas. Boy, I can almost taste those now.
Inside the car, a ticking sound is heard from a cigarette lighter. It suddenly pops out loose. Red pulls the lighter out and blows on it. It has a mushroom cap jammed inside it. It sizzles slightly as Red touches the lighter with his hand. He removes the mushroom cap from the lighter and drops it into a thermos in the cup holder. He then takes out another mushroom cap and places it into the lighter. He then puts the lighter back in the plug where it came out. Here's something new: take your lighter, put a mushroom cap on the end of it. You can cook them right out of the cigarette unit there. The input will take it. Put a new one on. Go into the thermos there to keep 'em warm. A nice treat for nonsmokers.
Now Red stoops down next to one wheel with the hubcap removed. The removed hubcap has several potatoes inside. He then sticks the hubcap back on the wheel and bangs his hand against the hubcap to make it stick on. He then gets back up. Here's how you make the mashed potatoes: just put them inside the hubcap.
Inside the car, Red turns on the car and puts the emergency brake on three clicks. Now, you need the wheel to be warm, so you put the emergency brake on three clicks.
Next, Red places a pumpkin pie inside the car's engine in behind the turkey, on the engine block. You put the pie in behind the turkey on the engine block.
Red now stoops down next to another wheel. The tire has been removed from the rim. Red fills the tire with cream. He then places the tire back on the rim, using a tire iron to put it in place. Now, you wanna make whipped cream? No problem. Stick that back on the rim. You're in business.
Red puts several ears of corn into a jar. He then screws the jar lid back on the jar. The lid has a spark plug attached to it, sticking into the jar itself. He then places the jar down inside the car. Put the corn on the cob into a jar. Take one of the spark plugs and attach that to the lid. Every eight bangs, you cook a corn on a cob.
Next, Red has placed several dough balls inside the air cleaner. Red closes the lid of the cleaner and places it back in the car where it once was. Red wipes his hands together and closes the car's hood. You put the dough, the little dough for making the little rolls into the air cleaner. Put that back on, they'll drop down through the carb, through the intake manifold, and come out the exhaust.
Red walks around to the back of the car, holding a bread basket and some duct tape. He stoops down behind the car and hangs the basket onto the car's exhaust pipe. He duct-tapes the hand of the basket to the pipe to hold it in place. But there's something you gotta do first: a little bread basket to grab them as they come out.
Red then sits back down in the car's driver seat and starts the car up. Two rolls pop out of the exhaust pipe and fall into the basket, followed by one bran roll that doesn't pop out but just falls out. Now you just start her up, and out they come. First, a couple of regular rolls, and then a bran one. Yeah!
Later, Red drives the car over to another house. He stops the car and gets out. He pops the hood as he gets out. He then runs over to the front of the car with the hood slightly open. All right, you drive over to wherever you're having your Christmas dinner, and by the time you get over there, everything should be pretty much ready. So you just pop the hood and let's just see how everything looks. Boy, it sure smells good when you're driving, too.
Red opens the hood and takes out the turkey, all nicely cooked. He removes the squirter from the turkey and gently picks it up. He pulls his hand back several times because the turkey is so hot. Finally, he picks it up fully and runs with it into the house in question, blowing on the turkey to cool it off. Oh, look at at that turkey! That's a beautiful thing. Oh, it's hot! Oh my gosh! Beautiful thing! Get that inside and come back out.
Next, Red tends to the jar full of corn on the cob. However, the spark plug has blackened all one end of all the corn. Red takes out the jar and pulls off the spark plug. He then blows on the jar and runs it into the house. Now the– Okay, the corn, not so good. Uh, the spark is all on the one end, like I was when I was a kid.
Then Red returns holding a crowbar. He runs up to the rear car wheel with the hubcap covering the mashed potatoes. However, when he pulls off the cap full of the potatoes, they aren't very well mashed and pretty dirty-looking, too. Now you wanna take the mashed potatoes off of there. I think it wasn't airtight. I think that was the problem there.
Next, Red returns to the car's engine, holding a spoon and a pot. He removes the cap off the radiator and tries to put the spoon inside. However, it does not go in at all. Red tries to push the spoon into the radiator. But when he fails to make any headway, he looks at the camera and shrugs. They'll be fine, though. Now, uh... Okay, I have no idea how to get the peas out...
Red walks over to the air cleaner and lifts it up, revealing the pumpkin pie, all nicely baked underneath. He takes the pie. All right, so there's your pie, and you take that, cooked to perfection, and then you wanna wheel that around.
He walks up to the front car wheel with the whipped cream in the tire, holding a tire hose. He sets the pie down and sticks the hose into the wheel. He then reverses the air pressure and sucks up some of the whipped cream. It sprays out of the hose and splatters all over the pumpkin pie. He continues to blow some of the tire air on the cream to spread it around on the pie. I believe it was the passenger wheel on that. You hook up the hose, the tire filler hose, and then you just reverse the pressure and... well, there you go!

{Wipe to a later scene. The montage ends. Red is seen inside the house's dining room with the dinner all nicely set up on the table.}

RED GREEN: And it's just that easy. {gestures toward the turkey} You know, if we cooked this turkey on an old van instead of a car, we could've called it "cuckold van". {picks up the mashed potatoes, still in the hubcap} You know what they say, the proof of the pudding is written on the label. {takes a fork and pulls out some of the potatoes with it} Let's see how these mashed potatoes taste. {takes a bite of the potatoes and somehow crunches down on it hard} Boy, that rock salt really enhances the flavor. {sets mashed potatoes back down and looks around} By golly, I forgot my knife. How am I gonna carve the turkey? {suddenly snaps fingers and picks up turkey} I got a better idea.

{Red runs off with the turkey. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks up to the car, its hood still open. He holds the turkey.}

RED GREEN: We got a 200-horsepower slicer right here! Or as somebody would call it, a fan blade. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. If you want any dark meat, just grab it on the way by.

{Red pushes the turkey against the fan blade. Chunks and shreds of turkey meat fly out across the car.}

Segue: Winston RothschildEdit

{The camera fades in on Winston, who is sitting in the basement on a sleigh full of Christmas presents.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your stockings aren't the only things that got stuffed this Christmas, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. When there's no room at the inn.

Christmas Is... 1Edit

{Red walks along through a snowy environment, dragging a sled along behind him. He wanders through the woods and down a street past a row of small buildings.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is the home fire, to get you through the darkest time of the year, January, when the visa bills come in. A fire to warm you through the cold of your father-in-law's questions concerning your employment status and overall solvency. So light a fire at Christmas to remind yourself that if you don't pay for the gas or electricity, this is basically what it comes down to. Light a fire in the stove and light a fire in the bedroom, if you can. And most of all, light a fire under your kid. You know, when the cavemen looked up at their night sky, they might have wanted their sun to come back after it left, but you don't want yours to.

Harold's Letter to SantaEdit

The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

MIKE HAMAR: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks up towards the table excitedly} And today Mr. Edgar Montrose is playing for a {pulls out an eggplant from behind the word sign} giant eggplant from Bernie's Big and Tall Vegetables! This is just an eggplant seed. Uh, Mr. Green, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say this word...

{Mike picks up the word sign and turns it around. It displays on it the word "Christmas".}

MIKE HAMAR: "Christmas"! "Christmas"! {puts the word sign down} And go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Edgar! This is most people's favorite holiday.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Firecracker day.

RED GREEN: No, no, people stay home from work and give each other things.


RED GREEN: It's an expression. You know, in French they say "Joyux" Noel. Uh, in English, they say Merry...

EDGAR MONTROSE: Queen of Scots.

RED GREEN: You know what? Edgar, you know this okay. This is– What do you call it when you get a treat in your stocking?


MIKE HAMAR: Almost out of time, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar, what do you call it when the fat jolly guy comes down your chimney?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, Dad lost his key again.

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Edgar! You know, if you would concentrate, we could get this.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, if ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.

RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike hands the eggplant "seed" to Edgar}

Hap Shaughnessy on ChristmasEdit

Talking AnimalsEdit

Segue: Winston Rothschild 2Edit

{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If Jack Frost isn't the only thing nipping at your nose, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {in a German accent} We're going to pump you out!

Plot Segment 2Edit

RED GREEN: Here's something special you can do for the holiday season...

{The camera pans out to reveal (from left to right) Dalton, Winston, Harold, Red, Mike, Edgar and Ed standing around an end table with a tape recorder and a telephone on it.}

RED GREEN: Record a Christmas message onto your answering machine. You might even put some Christmas music on there too.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, hey, what is the Possum Lodge phone message?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I dunno, no one ever calls it. We're already here.

RED GREEN: Well, I'll play it.

{Red plays the cassette tape that is already in the tape recorder.}

HAROLD GREEN (on the tape): Ah, okay, thanks for calling Possum Lodge but nobody's around. It's probably because we're all celebrating the New Year, right? So we're downstairs dancing and stuff and no one can hear the phone. So leave a message. Happy New Year! Have a great 1988!

{The tape recorder makes a beeping sound and Red stops the cassette tape.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, why don't you tell the folks at home how they can play Christmas music in the background as they record their own message, tell them.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. Actually we're going to go one step better than that. The guys here are gonna hum a Christmas tune, and I'm gonna put a message in, so, uh--okay, guys, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go!

{Everyone except Red begins to hum various Christmas songs.}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, hold on. Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {the men stop humming} Whoa! You can't sing different songs, all right. Pick one Christmas song and then go with it everybody.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, how about "Jingle Bells," Red? We all know that one.

{Everyone agrees with Edgar.}

RED GREEN: All right, "Jingle Bells." All right, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go.

{Everyone except Red begins to hum "Jingle Bells".}

RED GREEN: Merry Christmas from everybody at Possum Lodge. Sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number after the "hey!"

EVERYONE (except Red): Hey!

{Red stops recording.}

Christmas Is... 2Edit

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is feeling good about going to church. That means looking up the address, just in case it moves since Easter three years ago. It's about showing up at eleven for the 9:30 AM service and wondering why the parking lot is empty and your wife is getting a ride home with the neighbors. It's about sitting in a quiet pew alone after everyone's gone, quietly counting your blessings. And it's about the janitor inviting you into the church hall for a free Christmas dinner with the rest of the homeless.

Mike Hamar on ChristmasEdit

{In another area of the lodge, Red is sitting at his desk, as Mike, wearing a Santa hat and holding a bell in his hand, sneaks into the room and picks up a fishbowl in the room}

RED GREEN: {not turning around} What are you doing with the goldfish bowl, Mike?

MIKE HAMAR: {stopping suddenly} Oh! Uh, I didn't see you there, Mr. Green. Um... Well, I'm not doing anything. Okay, see ya! {turns to leave}

RED GREEN: Where are you going?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought I'd just go outside and stand in the snow for a while.

RED GREEN: With that hat on?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, sure. I mean, it's getting colder out there, you know.

RED GREEN: I see you got a bell there, too.

MIKE HAMAR: {noticing bell in his hand} Oh, yeah, this. Well, um, I thought I'd just, um, ring it once in a while, while I stood outside in the snow.

RED GREEN: That's it?

MIKE HAMAR: That's it.

RED GREEN: {reaching out to grab the fishbowl} Well, then, you don't need the goldfish bowl, do you?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought if people wanted to, they could, you know, like, drop, uh, gold...

RED GREEN: Goldfish into it?

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, actually... uh, actually, um, I was gonna, um, collect donations for charity.

RED GREEN: Oh, okay, that's great. Uh, which charity?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, no particular charity. {Red nods} Um... Um... More like, for all the needy in general.

RED GREEN: Boy, y'know, there's a lot of needy. You need to distribute that money all over the world; that's gonna take a lot of your time.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, that's absolutely right, Mr. Green. That's a good point. I mean, I don't have the resources for that, right?


MIKE HAMAR: I think what I'll do is, I'll collect money for, uh, the needy Possum Lodge members. Okay, thanks for the tip. {starts to leave}

RED GREEN: All right, and Mike, who do you think is the most needy Possum Lodge member?

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I'd have to say the lodge member who hasn't paid his dues for the longest time would need the money the most, right?

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, that's you, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah! That's right! That is me, isn't it?

RED GREEN: You never paid your dues at all, I don't think.

MIKE HAMAR: Not in my recollection, no.

RED GREEN: No. I tell you what, Mike: I'm gonna give you a Christmas gift.

MIKE HAMAR: {excitedly} Really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna waive all your dues. You got no debt at all at the lodge, all right? {Mike suddenly looks disappointed} How's that sound?


RED GREEN: Yeah. {reaches out and takes away fishbowl} So you won't really need the fishbowl anymore, will you? {chuckles} But you know, going out there with the bell and the hat and spreading Christmas cheer, that's a great idea.

MIKE HAMAR: {depressed} Yeah, well, I guess I could still do that, I guess. Well, merry Christmas.

{Mike starts to leave, ringing the bell}

RED GREEN: Not in here, Mike, not in here. {Mike leaves, ringing the bell}

Handyman Corner 2Edit

Red's Handyman TipsEdit

Visit with Ranger GordEdit

Segue: Winston Rothschild 3Edit

{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last two commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Happy New Year from Winston Rothschild, reminding you if old acquaintances can't be forgot, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. We're Y2K compliant!

Christmas Is... 3Edit

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is recalling your own childhood memories, all for the sole purpose of telling your kids how much worse off you were than them. How you thought yourself lucky just to have a moldy potato in your stocking so the family could mash it for dinner. And the time you and their mother had to sell shoes just to buy each other warm socks. But most of all, Christmas is about the power of imagination: leaving milk and cookies for Santa, hearing reindeer hooves on the roof, and creating these stories about your pathetic childhood just so you can explain to your kids why they didn't get everything they wanted this year.

Ed's True Animal FactsEdit


Segue: Winston Rothschild 4Edit

{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is Winston Rothschild from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services reminding you, we'll take plenty of dough in before it starts snowing and Santa's ho ho hoing, 'cause we're sucking, not blowing.

Dalton's Christmas StoryEdit

Christmas Is... 4Edit

{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is cutlery: special knives, odd spoons and more forks than the road to the lodge, plus all kinds of serving doodads that you haven't seen, let alone used, in almost a year. And of course, as the man, you are expected to surgically dissect the turkey with these tools, with a bunch of other tools heckling you. They hand you the fancy steel knife with the bone handle that's duller than a baseball bat, forcing you to ask your guests whether they want white pulp or dark pulp. But most of all, Christmas is finishing your meal with a half-dozen forks and spoons untouched while you lick the mashed potatoes off the palms of your hands.

Red's Handyman Tips 2Edit

Dalton's Greeting CardsEdit

Segue: Winston Rothschild 5Edit

{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last four commercials.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If the ghosts of Christmas past won't leave the present, time to move into the future, with Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Discounts for vegetarians.

Plot Segment 3Edit

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