This is the full transcript for A Very Merry Red Green Christmas. See also: Credits.
Transcript[]
Opening Scene[]
{It is winter in the area, all covered in snow. Red sits across two chairs on Possum Lake, all frozen in ice. He holds a frozen, uncooked turkey in his lap. The turkey has a long strip of duct tape covering the middle.}
RED GREEN: If you're anything like me, after Christmas dinner last year, you ended up stretched out on the sofa with your pants undone, moaning, "Why didn't somebody stop me?" Well, here's a low-fat alternative to eating all that turkey at Christmas that's gonna take the strain off your waistband and also get you out in the fresh air. {sits up straight} Okay, the first thing you wanna do is grab the frozen turkey. Get it out of the freezer before it defrosts. {holds a door handle, also covered in duct tape} Then what you wanna do is take the door handle off of the fridge. Very important. This way, you won't be able to get into the fridge so you can't sneak down in the middle of the night to eat another handful of jellied salad. {holds up turkey, which has another door handle duct-taped to the top of it} Now all you gotta do is attach the door handle to the turkey the way I've done here. {holds up turkey by door handle} And you can curl that bird to a leaner, healthier you.
{Red gets up and walks across the ice with the turkey. He then stops and stoops down. He then tosses the turkey across the ice. It rolls end over end along the ice and then slides toward a makeshift, painted curling target, where other frozen turkeys, all with door handles duct-taped to them all lie in various positions on the target. The new turkey bumps into another turkey and knocks it aside.}
Plot Segment 1[]
(The lodge is decorated for Christmas. Red and Harold enter the lodge, wearing coats. Red waves to the camera while Harold hangs up his coat on a cross in the corner)
RED GREEN: Thank you very much. (Harold walks up close to Red) Thank you. Yeah, we sure appreciate that. In all the best of you and yours from me and mine and his and hers and whatever else it says on the towels, uh, this here is our Christmas special. And as you can see, Harold is– (notices that Harold is dressed in a fancy outfit with a yellow shirt, green vest and dark slacks) Holy... That's quite an outfit you got there. You should not stand still; people put presents under you.
HAROLD GREEN: I thought you might appreciate it. It's my Christmas outfit.
RED GREEN: Yeah? Well, it's better than your birthday suit. Anyway, it's great to have you up here for the whole Christmas break, Harold. Appreciate it, yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, I'm just here for the Christmas show.
RED GREEN: What?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, the company asked me to work over Christmas and I said yes.
RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, you gotta learn to say no! It's not that hard. Just pretend you're your own girlfriend. Which I'm sure you are.
HAROLD GREEN: You know, I was kinda hoping you might knock it off with the insults, you know, being Christmas and everything.
RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, I'm kidding ya! When I insult you like that, that's because I like ya.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh!
RED GREEN: Yeah.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, okay! That's cool! Okay, alright, yeah. All right, well, thank you very much then, you fat, old, burned-out doofus! (both smile and nod)
The Friendly Side of Dynamite[]
Handyman Corner 1[]
{Red stands in the dining room of someone's house behind a table filled with a Christmas dinner. He holds a turkey leg in his hand.}
RED GREEN: You know, a big part of Christmas has to be the eating. Something comes over people, and they just start chowing down like they were stocking up a bomb shelter. But there's also a downside: messing up your house with all those people, and messing up your kitchen cooking all that food. But you know something? {puts turkey leg down on table} There's a better way.
{Red leaves the dining room. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks out of the house and up to a car parked outside.}
RED GREEN: All right, the first step is you call up your relatives and tell them that after 43 Christmases of mooching off everyone else, it's finally their turn to have Christmas dinner. {walks up to car's hood and opens it} Oh, sure, they'll probably balk at first. But then you give them the clincher: you'll bring the food. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Wait a minute, Red. That still messes up your kitchen." Or "Hey, Red, I don't get it." Or "Boy, I wish I had a pair of pants like those." {holds up hand} But the key to the whole deal is, we're gonna cook Christmas dinner as we drive over there.
{Red leans in toward the car's engine. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins, with Red putting various food pieces on the car while explaining, in voiceover narration, what to do. For the purpose of this transcript and to avoid confusion, the script is provided by way of an "Adventures" setup:}
Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
---|---|
An uncooked turkey has been placed on the edge of the car. Red is pulling parts out of the engine, including the air cleaner. He then places the turkey on the engine block | Okay, first thing you wanna do, get the air cleaner off there. Put the turkey right on the engine block. |
Red takes the engine thermostat control unit and places it inside the turkey. | Now take the engine thermostat control unit and jam that up the rear end of the turkey. |
Later, Red places a piece of duct tape on the temperature gauge in the car. He then writes, with a Black Magic Marker, "DONE" over the higher end of the temperature gauge. | Now, that'll affect your temperature gauge. You gotta change that to show you when the turkey's done. |
Red removes the cap and intake unit off the car's windshield washer tank. He then pours into a pot full of turkey gravy. He then places the cap and intake unit back on the tank. He then disconnects the windshield squirter and places it on top of the turkey. He places a piece of duct tape over it. | And you wanna disconnect the windshield washer fluid. You wanna fill that up with the turkey gravy. Then you put the intake unit back in there. And now of course, you wanna– you don't want that all over your windshield, so you want to redirect the squirter to... Actually, put a piece of duct tape on there and aim her all over the turkey. |
Red then sits in the car and turns the washer knob a few times. The gravy squirts out of the squirter and onto the turkey. | And now, when you apply the windshield washer stuff, you're actually basting the bird. |
Next, Red walks up to the engine holding a bag of frozen peas. He opens up the car's radiator and dumps the peas into it. Some of the peas land on the edge of the car, however. | All right, next thing you wanna do is, you wanna fill the rad with frozen peas. Boy, I can almost taste those now. |
Inside the car, a ticking sound is heard from a cigarette lighter. It suddenly pops out loose. Red pulls the lighter out and blows on it. It has a mushroom cap jammed inside it. It sizzles slightly as Red touches the lighter with his hand. He removes the mushroom cap from the lighter and drops it into a thermos in the cup holder. He then takes out another mushroom cap and places it into the lighter. He then puts the lighter back in the plug where it came out. | Here's something new: take your lighter, put a mushroom cap on the end of it. You can cook them right out of the cigarette unit there. The input will take it. Put a new one on. Go into the thermos there to keep 'em warm. A nice treat for nonsmokers. |
Now Red stoops down next to one wheel with the hubcap removed. The removed hubcap has several potatoes inside. He then sticks the hubcap back on the wheel and bangs his hand against the hubcap to make it stick on. He then gets back up. | Here's how you make the mashed potatoes: just put them inside the hubcap. |
Inside the car, Red turns on the car and puts the emergency brake on three clicks. | Now, you need the wheel to be warm, so you put the emergency brake on three clicks. |
Next, Red places a pumpkin pie inside the car's engine in behind the turkey, on the engine block. | You put the pie in behind the turkey on the engine block. |
Red now stoops down next to another wheel. The tire has been removed from the rim. Red fills the tire with cream. He then places the tire back on the rim, using a tire iron to put it in place. | Now, you wanna make whipped cream? No problem. Stick that back on the rim. You're in business. |
Red puts several ears of corn into a jar. He then screws the jar lid back on the jar. The lid has a spark plug attached to it, sticking into the jar itself. He then places the jar down inside the car. | Put the corn on the cob into a jar. Take one of the spark plugs and attach that to the lid. Every eight bangs, you cook a corn on a cob. |
Next, Red has placed several dough balls inside the air cleaner. Red closes the lid of the cleaner and places it back in the car where it once was. Red wipes his hands together and closes the car's hood. | You put the dough, the little dough for making the little rolls into the air cleaner. Put that back on, they'll drop down through the carb, through the intake manifold, and come out the exhaust. |
Red walks around to the back of the car, holding a bread basket and some duct tape. He stoops down behind the car and hangs the basket onto the car's exhaust pipe. He duct-tapes the hand of the basket to the pipe to hold it in place. | But there's something you gotta do first: a little bread basket to grab them as they come out. |
Red then sits back down in the car's driver seat and starts the car up. Two rolls pop out of the exhaust pipe and fall into the basket, followed by one bran roll that doesn't pop out but just falls out. | Now you just start her up, and out they come. First, a couple of regular rolls, and then a bran one. Yeah! |
Later, Red drives the car over to another house. He stops the car and gets out. He pops the hood as he gets out. He then runs over to the front of the car with the hood slightly open. | All right, you drive over to wherever you're having your Christmas dinner, and by the time you get over there, everything should be pretty much ready. So you just pop the hood and let's just see how everything looks. Boy, it sure smells good when you're driving, too. |
Red opens the hood and takes out the turkey, all nicely cooked. He removes the squirter from the turkey and gently picks it up. He pulls his hand back several times because the turkey is so hot. Finally, he picks it up fully and runs with it into the house in question, blowing on the turkey to cool it off. | Oh, look at at that turkey! That's a beautiful thing. Oh, it's hot! Oh my gosh! Beautiful thing! Get that inside and come back out. |
Next, Red tends to the jar full of corn on the cob. However, the spark plug has blackened all one end of all the corn. Red takes out the jar and pulls off the spark plug. He then blows on the jar and runs it into the house. | Now the– Okay, the corn, not so good. Uh, the spark is all on the one end, like I was when I was a kid. |
Then Red returns holding a crowbar. He runs up to the rear car wheel with the hubcap covering the mashed potatoes. However, when he pulls off the cap full of the potatoes, they aren't very well mashed and pretty dirty-looking, too. | Now you wanna take the mashed potatoes off of there. I think it wasn't airtight. I think that was the problem there. |
Next, Red returns to the car's engine, holding a spoon and a pot. He removes the cap off the radiator and tries to put the spoon inside. However, it does not go in at all. Red tries to push the spoon into the radiator. But when he fails to make any headway, he looks at the camera and shrugs. | They'll be fine, though. Now, uh... Okay, I have no idea how to get the peas out... |
Red walks over to the air cleaner and lifts it up, revealing the pumpkin pie, all nicely baked underneath. He takes the pie. | All right, so there's your pie, and you take that, cooked to perfection, and then you wanna wheel that around. |
He walks up to the front car wheel with the whipped cream in the tire, holding a tire hose. He sets the pie down and sticks the hose into the wheel. He then reverses the air pressure and sucks up some of the whipped cream. It sprays out of the hose and splatters all over the pumpkin pie. He continues to blow some of the tire air on the cream to spread it around on the pie. | I believe it was the passenger wheel on that. You hook up the hose, the tire filler hose, and then you just reverse the pressure and... well, there you go! |
{Wipe to a later scene. The montage ends. Red is seen inside the house's dining room with the dinner all nicely set up on the table.}
RED GREEN: And it's just that easy. {gestures toward the turkey} You know, if we cooked this turkey on an old van instead of a car, we could've called it "cuckold van". {picks up the mashed potatoes, still in the hubcap} You know what they say, the proof of the pudding is written on the label. {takes a fork and pulls out some of the potatoes with it} Let's see how these mashed potatoes taste. {takes a bite of the potatoes and somehow crunches down on it hard} Boy, that rock salt really enhances the flavor. {sets mashed potatoes back down and looks around} By golly, I forgot my knife. How am I gonna carve the turkey? {suddenly snaps fingers and picks up turkey} I got a better idea.
{Red runs off with the turkey. Wipe to a later scene. Red walks up to the car, its hood still open. He holds the turkey.}
RED GREEN: We got a 200-horsepower slicer right here! Or as somebody would call it, a fan blade. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. If you want any dark meat, just grab it on the way by.
{Red pushes the turkey against the fan blade. Chunks and shreds of turkey meat fly out across the car.}
Segue: Winston Rothschild[]
{The camera fades in on Winston, who is sitting in the basement on a sleigh full of Christmas presents.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If your stockings aren't the only things that got stuffed this Christmas, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. When there's no room at the inn.
Christmas Is... 1[]
{Red walks along through a snowy environment, dragging a sled along behind him. He wanders through the woods and down a street past a row of small buildings.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is the home fire, to get you through the darkest time of the year, January, when the visa bills come in. A fire to warm you through the cold of your father-in-law's questions concerning your employment status and overall solvency. So light a fire at Christmas to remind yourself that if you don't pay for the gas or electricity, this is basically what it comes down to. Light a fire in the stove and light a fire in the bedroom, if you can. And most of all, light a fire under your kid. You know, when the cavemen looked up at their night sky, they might have wanted their sun to come back after it left, but you don't want yours to.
Harold's Letter to Santa[]
The Possum Lodge Word Game[]
MIKE HAMAR: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks up towards the table excitedly} And today Mr. Edgar Montrose is playing for a {pulls out an eggplant from behind the word sign} giant eggplant from Bernie's Big and Tall Vegetables! This is just an eggplant seed. Uh, Mr. Green, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Montrose to say this word...
{Mike picks up the word sign and turns it around. It displays on it the word "Christmas".}
MIKE HAMAR: "Christmas"! "Christmas"! {puts the word sign down} And go!
RED GREEN: Alright, Edgar! This is most people's favorite holiday.
EDGAR MONTROSE: Firecracker day.
RED GREEN: No, no, people stay home from work and give each other things.
EDGAR MONTROSE: Flu season?
RED GREEN: It's an expression. You know, in French they say "Joyux" Noel. Uh, in English, they say Merry...
EDGAR MONTROSE: Queen of Scots.
RED GREEN: You know what? Edgar, you know this okay. This is– What do you call it when you get a treat in your stocking?
EDGAR MONTROSE: Leprosy.
MIKE HAMAR: Almost out of time, Mr. Green.
RED GREEN: Okay, Edgar, what do you call it when the fat jolly guy comes down your chimney?
EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, Dad lost his key again.
RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Edgar! You know, if you would concentrate, we could get this.
EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, if ifs and buts was candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
RED GREEN: There you go! {rings the bell rapidly while Mike hands the eggplant "seed" to Edgar}
Hap Shaughnessy on Christmas[]
Talking Animals[]
Segue: Winston Rothschild 2[]
{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If Jack Frost isn't the only thing nipping at your nose, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. {in a German accent} We're going to pump you out!
Plot Segment 2[]
RED GREEN: Here's something special you can do for the holiday season...
{The camera pans out to reveal (from left to right) Dalton, Winston, Harold, Red, Mike, Edgar and Ed standing around an end table with a tape recorder and a telephone on it.}
RED GREEN: Record a Christmas message onto your answering machine. You might even put some Christmas music on there too.
DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, hey, what is the Possum Lodge phone message?
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I dunno, no one ever calls it. We're already here.
RED GREEN: Well, I'll play it.
{Red plays the cassette tape that is already in the tape recorder.}
HAROLD GREEN (on the tape): Wa! Okay, uh, thanks for calling Possum Lodge, but nobody's around. It's probably 'cause we're all celebrating the New Year, right? So we're downstairs dancing and stuff and no-one can hear the phone. So leave a message. Happy New Year! Have a great 1988! Waaah!
{The tape recorder makes a beeping sound and Red stops the cassette tape.}
HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, why don't you tell the folks at home how they can play Christmas music in the background as they record their own message, tell them.
RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Harold. Actually we're going to go one step better than that. The guys here are gonna hum a Christmas tune, and I'm gonna put a message in, so, uh--okay, guys, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go!
{Everyone except Red begins to hum various Christmas songs.}
RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, hold on. Okay. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! {the men stop humming} Whoa! You can't sing different songs, all right. Pick one Christmas song and then go with it everybody.
EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, how about "Jingle Bells," Red? We all know that one.
{Everyone agrees with Edgar.}
RED GREEN: All right, "Jingle Bells." All right, and... {starts recording and the tape recorder beeps} go.
{Everyone except Red begins to hum "Jingle Bells".}
RED GREEN: Merry Christmas from everybody at Possum Lodge. Sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Leave your name and number after the "hey!"
EVERYONE (except Red): Hey!
{Red stops recording.}
Christmas Is... 2[]
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is feeling good about going to church. That means looking up the address, just in case it moves since Easter three years ago. It's about showing up at eleven for the 9:30 AM service and wondering why the parking lot is empty and your wife is getting a ride home with the neighbors. It's about sitting in a quiet pew alone after everyone's gone, quietly counting your blessings. And it's about the janitor inviting you into the church hall for a free Christmas dinner with the rest of the homeless.
Mike Hamar on Christmas[]
{In another area of the lodge, Red is sitting at his desk, as Mike, wearing a Santa hat and holding a bell in his hand, sneaks into the room and picks up a fishbowl in the room}
RED GREEN: {not turning around} What are you doing with the goldfish bowl, Mike?
MIKE HAMAR: {stopping suddenly} Oh! Uh, I didn't see you there, Mr. Green. Um... Well, I'm not doing anything. Okay, see ya! {turns to leave}
RED GREEN: Where are you going?
MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought I'd just go outside and stand in the snow for a while.
RED GREEN: With that hat on?
MIKE HAMAR: Well, sure. I mean, it's getting colder out there, you know.
RED GREEN: I see you got a bell there, too.
MIKE HAMAR: {noticing bell in his hand} Oh, yeah, this. Well, um, I thought I'd just, um, ring it once in a while, while I stood outside in the snow.
RED GREEN: That's it?
MIKE HAMAR: That's it.
RED GREEN: {reaching out to grab the fishbowl} Well, then, you don't need the goldfish bowl, do you?
MIKE HAMAR: Well, I thought if people wanted to, they could, you know, like, drop, uh, gold...
RED GREEN: Goldfish into it?
MIKE HAMAR: Okay, actually... uh, actually, um, I was gonna, um, collect donations for charity.
RED GREEN: Oh, okay, that's great. Uh, which charity?
MIKE HAMAR: Well, no particular charity. {Red nods} Um... Um... More like, for all the needy in general.
RED GREEN: Boy, y'know, there's a lot of needy. You need to distribute that money all over the world; that's gonna take a lot of your time.
MIKE HAMAR: Well, that's absolutely right, Mr. Green. That's a good point. I mean, I don't have the resources for that, right?
RED GREEN: No.
MIKE HAMAR: I think what I'll do is, I'll collect money for, uh, the needy Possum Lodge members. Okay, thanks for the tip. {starts to leave}
RED GREEN: All right, and Mike, who do you think is the most needy Possum Lodge member?
MIKE HAMAR: Well, I'd have to say the lodge member who hasn't paid his dues for the longest time would need the money the most, right?
RED GREEN: Yeah, well, that's you, Mike.
MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah! That's right! That is me, isn't it?
RED GREEN: You never paid your dues at all, I don't think.
MIKE HAMAR: Not in my recollection, no.
RED GREEN: No. I tell you what, Mike: I'm gonna give you a Christmas gift.
MIKE HAMAR: {excitedly} Really?!
RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna waive all your dues. You got no debt at all at the lodge, all right? {Mike suddenly looks disappointed} How's that sound?
MIKE HAMAR: Oh...
RED GREEN: Yeah. {reaches out and takes away fishbowl} So you won't really need the fishbowl anymore, will you? {chuckles} But you know, going out there with the bell and the hat and spreading Christmas cheer, that's a great idea.
MIKE HAMAR: {depressed} Yeah, well, I guess I could still do that, I guess. Well, merry Christmas.
{Mike starts to leave, ringing the bell}
RED GREEN: Not in here, Mike, not in here. {Mike leaves, ringing the bell}
Handyman Corner 2[]
Red's Handyman Tips[]
Visit with Ranger Gord[]
Segue: Winston Rothschild 3[]
{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last two commercials.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Happy New Year from Winston Rothschild, reminding you if old acquaintances can't be forgot, call Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. We're Y2K compliant!
Christmas Is... 3[]
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is recalling your own childhood memories, all for the sole purpose of telling your kids how much worse off you were than them. How you thought yourself lucky just to have a moldy potato in your stocking so the family could mash it for dinner. And the time you and their mother had to sell shoes just to buy each other warm socks. But most of all, Christmas is about the power of imagination: leaving milk and cookies for Santa, hearing reindeer hooves on the roof, and creating these stories about your pathetic childhood just so you can explain to your kids why they didn't get everything they wanted this year.
Ed's True Animal Facts[]
Adventures[]
Segue: Winston Rothschild 4[]
{The camera fades in on Winston, still sitting on the same sleigh.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is Winston Rothschild from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services reminding you, we'll take plenty of dough in before it starts snowing and Santa's ho ho hoing, 'cause we're sucking, not blowing.
Dalton's Christmas Story[]
Christmas Is... 4[]
{Red continues to walk along through the snow, dragging his sled along with him.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Christmas is cutlery: special knives, odd spoons and more forks than the road to the lodge, plus all kinds of serving doodads that you haven't seen, let alone used, in almost a year. And of course, as the man, you are expected to surgically dissect the turkey with these tools, with a bunch of other tools heckling you. They hand you the fancy steel knife with the bone handle that's duller than a baseball bat, forcing you to ask your guests whether they want white pulp or dark pulp. But most of all, Christmas is finishing your meal with a half-dozen forks and spoons untouched while you lick the mashed potatoes off the palms of your hands.
Red's Handyman Tips 2[]
Dalton's Greeting Cards[]
Segue: Winston Rothschild 5[]
{Winston is still sitting on the same sleigh as the last four commercials.}
WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: If the ghosts of Christmas past won't leave the present, time to move into the future, with Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Discounts for vegetarians.
Plot Segment 3[]
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW
If you're anything like me,
after christmas dinner
last year
you ended up stretched out
on the sofa with your
pants undone,
moaning, "why didn't
somebody stop me?"
well, here's a low-fat
alternative to eating all
that turkey at christmas
that's gonna take the
strain off your waistband
and also get you
out in the fresh air.
Okay, the first thing you wanna
do is grab the frozen turkey,
get it out of the freezer
before it defrosts.
Then what you wanna do is take
the door handle off the fridge.
Very important.
This way you won't be able to
get into the fridge,
so you can't sneak down
in the middle of the night
to eat another handful
of jellied salad.
Now all you gotta do
is attach the door handle
to the turkey
the way I've done here,
and you can curl that bird
to a lean and healthier you.
[ cheers and applause ]
[ ♪♪ ]
[ cheers and applause ]
thank you very much.
Thank you.
Yeah, we sure
appreciate that.
And all the best to you
and yours from me and mine
and his and hers and whatever
else it says on the towels.
This here's our
christmas special,
and as you can see,
harold come --
oh, that's quite
an outfit you got --
you should not
stand still.
People'll put
presents under you.
I thought you
might appreciate it.
It's my christmas outfit.
It's better than
your birthday suit.
Anyway, it's great to have
you up here for the whole
christmas break.
Appreciate it, yeah.
No, no, I'm just here
for the christmas show.
What?
Yeah, the company asked me
to work over christmas,
and I said yes.
Ah, harold, you gotta
learn to say no.
It's not that hard.
Just pretend you're
your own girlfriend...
Which I'm sure
you are.
You know, I was kinda hopin'
you'd knock it off with
the insults,
you know, it being
christmas and everything.
Oh, harold,
I'm kiddin' you.
When I insult you like that,
that's because I like you.
Oh! Oh, okay.
That's cool!
Okay!
Well, thank you very much,
you fat, old, burned out dufus.
[ cheers and applause ]
I'm here with local explosives
enthusiast, edgar montrose.
Edgar, I understand you
had a special christmas
display for us.
Oh, not for me,
thanks, red.
But I will have a slice
of that pumpkin pie later.
That's not why
I'm here though.
Right.
I have a christmas musical
display I wanna show you.
Do you know what
resonance is, red?
Yeah, that's where
something vibrates loud.
Not even close.
It's where something
vibrates loud.
And you almost get kind
of a musical note.
The smaller the
container it resonates,
the higher the musical
note that you'll get.
Oh, so each one of
these containers makes
a different musical note.
You need to pay a
little better
attention,
coz each one of
these containers makes
a different musical note.
Now, listen up.
This is the important part.
I put a charge of
dynamite in each can,
and I hooked it up
to my keyboard, see?
I call it my
pipe bomb organ.
Would you like to hear a
little christmas music, red?
I think I'll just listen
from back I-I-in this area.
You go ahead though.
This is my favourite
christmas carol.
Feel free to sing along.
A little something I like
to call "silent night."
♪ si-lent ni-ight ♪
♪ ho-oly ni-ight ♪
♪ all! ♪
you know, a big part of
christmas has to be the eating.
Something just
comes over people.
They start chowing down like
they were stocking up
a bomb shelter.
But there's also
a down side...
Messin' up your house
with all those people,
and messin' up your kitchen,
cookin' all that food.
But you know something?
There's a better way.
All right, the first step
is you call up one of
your relatives
and tell them that after 43
christmases of mooching
off everyone else,
it's finally their turn
to have christmas dinner.
Oh, sure, they'll
probably balk at first,
but then you give
'em the clincher...
You'll bring the food.
Now, I know what
you're thinkin'...
"wait a minute, red, that
still messes up your kitchen."
or, "hey, red,
I don't get it."
or, "boy, I wish I had
a pair of pants like those."
but the key to
the whole deal is,
we're going to cook
christmas dinner
as we drive over there.
Okay, the first thing you
wanna do is get the air
cleaner off there
and put the turkey right
on top of the engine box.
Now take the engine
thermostat control unit
and jam that up the
rear end of the turkey.
Now back up at your temperature
gauge, you gotta change --
show you when
the turkey's done.
Then you wanna disconnect
your windshield washer fluid,
and you wanna fill that up
with the turkey gravy.
Then you put the intake
unit back in there,
and now of course you don't
want that all over your
windshield,
so you wanna redirect the
squirter to --
actually put a piece
of duct tape on there
and aim her all
over the turkey.
And now when you apply the
windshield washer stuff,
you're actually
basting the bird.
All right, the next
thing you wanna do
is you wanna fill
the rad with frozen peas.
Boy, I can almost
taste those now.
Here's something new...
Take your lighter, put a
mushroom cap on the end of it,
you can cook them right out
of the cigarette lighter
unit there.
Take that off,
put the new one on.
Goin' into the thermos
there to keep them warm.
A nice treat
for non-smokers.
Here's how you make
the mashed potatoes...
Just put them
inside the hub cap.
Now, you need the
wheel to be warm,
so you put the emergency
brake on three clicks.
And put the pie in behind the
turkey on the engine block.
Now, you wanna
make whipped cream?
No problem.
Stick that back on the rim,
you're in business.
Corn on the cob
into a jar,
get one of the spark plugs,
attach that to the lid.
Every eight bangs,
you cook a 'corn of cob.'
you put the dough
for making little rolls
into the air cleaner,
put that back on.
They'll drop back
through the carb,
through the intake manifold
and come out the exhaust.
But there's something
you gotta do first...
A little bread basket to grab
them as they come out.
Now you just start her up,
and out they come.
First a couple
of regular rolls,
and then a brown one.
Yeah!
All right, you drive over to
wherever you're having your
christmas dinner,
and by the time you get there,
everything should be
pretty much ready.
So you just pop the hood,
and let's just see how
everything looks.
Boy, it sure smells good
when you're driving too.
Oh, look at that turkey.
That's a beautiful thing.
Oh! It's hot!
Oh, my gosh.
A beautiful thing.
Get that inside.
Come back out and --
okay the corn not so good.
The spark's all
at the one end,
like I was
when I was a kid.
Now you wanna take the
mashed potatoes off there.
I think it wasn't airtight.
I think that was the problem.
I know they'll be fine.
Now, uh --
okay, I have no idea
how to get the peas --
all right so,
there's your pie.
I think cooked
to perfection.
And you wanna wheel
that around --
I believe that was
the passenger wheel on that.
You hook up the hose --
the tire filler hose,
and you just reverse
the pressure and...
Oh, there you go.
And it's just that easy.
You know, if we cooked this
turkey on an old van
instead of a car,
we could've called it
"coq old van."
you know what they say,
the proof of the pudding is
written on the label.
Let's see how how
these mashed potatoes taste.
[ crunching ]
boy, that rock salt really
enhances the flavour.
Oh, golly, I forgot
my knife.
How am I gonna
carve the turkey?
Oh, I got a better idea.
We got a 200-horsepower
slicer right here.
Or as some people call it,
a fan blade.
So remember, if the women
don't find you handsome,
they should at
least find you handy.
If you want any dark meat,
just grab it on the way by.
[ ♪ ]
ockings aren't
the only things that got
stuffed this christmas,
call rothschild's sewage and
septic sucking services.
When there's
no room at the inn.
[ ♪ ]
red: Christmas is
the home fire,
to get you through the
darkest time of the year,
January, when the
visa bills come in,
a fire to warm you
through the cold of your
father-in-law's questions
concerning your employment
status and overall solvency.
So light a fire at
christmas to remind yourself
that if you don't pay
the gas or electricity
this is what it
basically comes down to.
Light a fire in the stove,
and light a fire in
the bedroom if you can.
And most of all,
light a fire under your kid.
You know, when the cave men
looked up at their night sky
they might have wanted their
sun to come back after it left,
but you don't
want yours to.
"dear santa...
"now that I'm out on my own
"and holding down an important
executive position in
the big city,
"this will probably be
the last letter I send you.
"writing letters to santa
is no longer considered
"appropriate behaviour
for an entry-level manager
"such as myself.
"however, I'd sure like
to draw your attention
"to my enclosed annual
employee evaluation report
"that quite clearly indicates
that I've been a good secretary
"to the vice president of
mergers and acquisitions
this year.
"consequently, and as a result
of the the communications we've
had in the past years
"I would appreciate your
considering my request for...
"a batman mouse pad,
"an electric
pencil sharpener,
"and a cell phone.
"oh! Oh! Oh!
And one of those things
with the silver balls
"that swing back and forth
and really important people
have on their desks
"and tells everyone they're far
too important to do anything
"other than play with this fun
little toy that gets really
boring after a while
"but it's way better
than doing work.
[ ♪ ]
"your cooperation in this
matter would be greatly
appreciated.
"signed your friend always,
harold green.
"p.S. Santa, I would like to
redirect your attention to my
opening paragraph
"wherein I stated that I would
probably no longer be sending
you letters.
"that's 'probably'
as in probably.
"thanks again, harold."
it's the possum lodge
word game!
[ cheers and applause ]
and today mr. Edgar montrose is
playing for a giant eggplant
from bernie's
big and tall vegetables.
This is just
an eggplant seed.
Uh, mr. Green, you have 30
seconds to get mr. Montrose
to say this word...
And go!
Okay, edgar!
This is most people's
favourite holiday.
Firecracker day.
No, people stay home from work
and give each other things.
Flu season?
It's an expression.
You know, in french
they say 'joyux' noel.
Uh, in english
they say merry...
Queen of scots.
Edgar, you know this okay.
What do you call it when
you get a treat in
your stocking?
Leprosy.
Almost outta time,
mr. Green.
Okay, edgar,
what do you call it
when the fat jolly guy
comes down your chimney?
Oh, dad lost his key again.
Come on, edgar!
You know, if you would
concentrate,
we could get this.
Well, if ifs and buts
was candy and nuts,
we'd all have
a merry christmas.
There you go!
[ cheers and applause ]
have you seen a decent
winter hat in here, red?
You're kinda gettin' in the
christmas spirit this year,
aren't you, hap?
No, not especially.
Well, hap, you're
wearing a santa costume.
Oh, this is not a costume.
This is my winter coat.
I got it for
last christmas.
Sure looks like
a santa coat to me.
Yeah, it's a
santa coat,
but it's not a santa costume.
There's the difference.
This is santa's
actual coat.
He wore it
last christmas.
He always leaves it at
the last house he was at,
and that just happens
to be my place.
Okay, so he went from
your house all the way
back to the north pole
without a coat on.
Yeah.
Kinda chilly,
wasn't it?
Well, for the last
part of the trip,
he wears this big brown
snowmobile suit thing.
What's sticking outta
your sleeve there, hap?
I dunno.
Huh. Seems to be
a list of some kind.
I can't believe
this stuff, hap.
Come on.
Oh, I know.
Doubting people
is a common flaw.
Some people don't
even believe in santa claus.
That's why I feel
so much for the man.
So you wear
his coat?
Red!
I'd gladly give up
all of my world records,
all the medals, all the
scientific breakthroughs,
all the inventions
and the fame, everything,
I'd give it all up --
other than the women,
of course,
if I could convince people
there is a santa claus.
That's why I'm wearing
this coat all winter,
so people will accept that
santa's in their hearts
all year round.
Oh, here it is.
Here it is.
No, no, no.
I got a better hat.
Look, easter bunny
left it for you.
[ laughter and applause ]
you know, around
christmas time,
a lot of people like
to buy pets for
their kids,
so I thought I'd get local
animal control officer
ed frid
to give us some tips
on what to get.
Come on up here, ed.
Sure. Okay.
Okay. Sure.
So, uh, ed, what gift would
you recommend for, say,
a nine- or
a 10-year-old?
A book.
No, I mean what kind
of animal would
you recommend?
Like, say, like mice here.
Would that be good?
Oh, no, not mice.
No, they're rodents.
Oh, yeah,
they carry disease,
and they can gnaw
right through your skull.
Well, maybe if you had
cheese for brains, eh?
Don't ever joke
around the mice, red.
All right, so mice
are too serious.
Well, how about this guy
here, this bunny rabbit,
is that a good idea, eh?
Well, sure, but you know,
rabbits, you know,
there's something
they like to do a lot
that maybe you don't
want your kids watching.
They eat with
their hands.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Yeah, but I mean,
look how cute and
fluffy they are, eh?
Well, yeah, but do you
have any idea
how sharp those
front teeth are?
Yeah, and look at
those hind legs, red.
Do you see the size
of those thigh muscles?
A full grown rabbit could
like kick in your
bedroom door!
Yeah! He'd March
right in, eh.
And gnaw right
through your skull.
That's what he'd do!
Okay, no mice,
no rabbits.
Surely goldfish
are okay, aren't they?
No, fish are
brain food, red.
What does that
tell you?
That nobody
I know eats fish.
No...
That they're smart.
Too smart.
Always thinking...
Always scheming...
"how do we
kill the humans?
"and flush them
down the toilet!
"yeah! That's it.
"we'll plug the drains
with their bodies.
"we'll flood the world."
and look at
their mouths, eh.
They're talkin'
all right.
They're taunting,
chiding,
[ drawling ]
"you're all gonna dwown!"
okay, uh,
maybe not as informative
as I'd hoped,
but at least now
you know who not to ask.
If you'll excuse me,
it's feeding time.
[ ♪ ]
if jack frost isn't the only
thing nippin' at your nose,
call rothschild's sewage and
septic sucking services.
[ german accent ]
ve're going to pump you out.
Here's something special
you can do for the
holiday season...
Record a christmas message
onto your answering machine.
You might even put some
christmas music on there too.
Hey, what is the
possum lodge phone message?
I dunno.
No one ever calls it.
We're already here.
Well, I'll play it.
Harold's voice: Ah, okay,
thanks for calling possum lodge
but nobody's around.
It's probably because we're
all celebrating the
new year, right?
So we're downstairs dancing
and stuff and no one
can hear the phone.
So leave a message.
Happy new year!
Have a great 1988!
[ beep ]
uncle red, why don't you tell
the folks at home how they
can play christmas music
in the background as they
record their own message.
Tell them.
Uh, yeah.
All right, harold.
Actually we're going to go
one step better than that.
The guys here are gonna
hum a christmas tune,
and I'm gonna put
a message in, so --
okay, guys, and...
[ beep ]
[ guys humming tunes ]
no, no, no.
Hold on.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
You can't sing different
songs, all right.
Pick one christmas song
and go with it everybody.
Well, how about
"jingle bells," red?
We all know that one.
[ all agreeing ]
all right,
"jingle bells."
all right, and... Go.
[ guys humming jingle bells ]
merry christmas from everybody
at possum lodge.
Sorry we can't come
to the phone right now.
Leave your name and
number after the "hey!"
all: Hey!
[ applause ]
red: Christmas is about feeling
good about going to church.
That means looking up
the address,
just in case it moved since
easter three years ago.
It's about showing up at
11 for the 9:30 a.M. Service
and wondering why the
parking lot is emptying
and your wife is getting a
ride home with the neighbours.
It's about sitting
in a quiet pew alone
after everyone's gone,
quietly counting your blessings
and it's about the janitor
inviting you into the
church hall
for a free christmas dinner
with the rest of the homeless.
What you doin' with
the goldfish bowl, mike?
Ah, gee, I didn't see
you there, mr. Green.
Um, well, I'm not
doing anything.
Okay, see you.
Where you goin'?
Well, I thought
I'd just go outside
and stand in the
snow for a while.
With that hat on?
Well, sure,
I mean, it's gettin' colder
out there, you know.
I see you got
a bell there too.
Oh, yeah, this.
Well, um, I thought
I'd just, um,
ring it once in a while,
while I stood outside
in the snow.
And that's it?
That's it.
Well, then you don't need
the goldfish bowl,
do you?
Well, I thought that
if people wanted to,
they could, you know,
like, drop, uh, oh --
goldfish into it?
Okay, actually --
actually I was gonna collect
donations for charity.
Oh, okay.
That's great.
Which charity?
Well, no particular
charity.
Um, more like for all
the needy in general.
Boy, you know,
there's a lot of needy.
To distribute that money
all over the world,
that's gonna take
a lot of your time.
Well, that's absolutely
right, mr. Green.
That's a good point.
I mean, I don't have the
resources for that, right?
I think what I'll do
is I'll collect money
for the, uh, needy
possum lodge members.
Thanks for the tip.
Mike, who do you think is the
most needy possum lodge member?
Well, I'd have
to say that, uh,
the lodge member that
hasn't paid his dues
for the longest time
would need the money
the most, right?
Yeah, well,
that's you, mike.
Yeah, right!
That is me, isn't it?
You've never paid your
dues at all, I don't think.
Not in my
recollection, no.
I'll tell
you what, mike.
I'm gonna give you
a christmas gift.
Really!
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm gonna waive
all your dues.
You've got no debt at
the lodge at all,
all right.
How's that sound?
Oh...
So you won't really need
the fish bowl anymore,
but you know, going out
there with the bell
and the hat
and spreading
christmas cheer,
that's a great idea.
Yeah, I guess I could
still do that, I guess.
[ unenthusiastic ]
well, merry christmas.
[ ringing bell ]
not in here, mike.
You know, I like to spread
the christmas cheer.
I used to do the
christmas caroling,
but my friends
made me sound bad.
And of course
they'd blame me.
They'd say, you have
no control over your voice.
You just the pa rum pa pum pums
in the background.
Instead of that,
I've got a better way
to spread music and joy
to your neighbours
without going door to door
into the biting cold there.
I'm gonna turn
the possum van
into a christmas-song-
broadcasting vehicle.
I can probably come up with
a better name than that.
No.
All right, all's you
need is christmas music
playing on your
car tape deck
and a couple of speakers
mounted on the roof.
Don't have to be
expensive speakers now,
because they're gonna
be out in the open.
There's usually
one guy in every town
who sells cheap speakers,
as long as you
don't need a receipt.
Hey, mike!
No, mike, mike.
It's just me, red.
Ah, gee,
mr. Green.
Hey, good to see you.
Sorry about yelling
at you there, mike.
Oh, that's okay,
mr. Green.
I know you don't have
that much control
over your voice.
Yeah. Right.
Mike, remember last
summer you had that job
where you were selling
speakers out of the
back of a truck?
Oh, yeah! Yeah.
Yeah, that was sort of
like a job, yeah.
Well, sure, I made some
money from doing it.
Yeah, that job.
Yeah.
Well, I wondering, do you
have any of those speakers
left over at all?
Well, I only got a
couple of speakers left.
The cops took most of them.
I tell you I'd have
to charge a good price
for those last
two speakers,
coz it took me three days to
file the serial numbers
off of them.
Well, I could give
you 20 bucks for 'em.
Uh, yeah, I guess I could
let you have 'em for
20 bucks.
Uh, they're
in the shed.
Uh, mike, what about
the television set here?
Oh, sure.
Make me an offer.
Okay, now all I gotta do
is mount these speakers
on the roof
so I'll be able
to broadcast music
throughout
the neighbourhood.
Actually, it's smart
to put 'em on the roof.
The stuff you buy from mike
should never be at eye level.
Better idea.
I'm gonna go mono.
Yeah, the mono thing
is really coming back.
You know how fads
kinda go in cycles?
Well, young people are really
into the mono music now.
What I'll do is I'll mount this
facing onto the right side,
and I'll go up
the street one way,
then I'll turn around
come back the other way
and do the other side.
These wires are from
under my dashboard.
They're my radio
speaker wires,
which I've disconnected and
have rerouted up here
to the speaker.
Wasn't easy, believe me.
There are a lot of wires under
a dash -- [ horn blasting ]
hey, dalton.
Red.
I didn't know you
were open sundays.
Shhh! Anne marie finds out,
I'm a dead man.
She thinks being open on
sundays breaks one of
the commandments.
I dunno which one.
Judging by your prices,
it's probably
'thou shalt not steal.'
speaking of which,
did you hear I gave
mike hamar a tv set?
It was broke,
and he didn't even know.
Well, he knows now, dalton.
Well, you know, I just wanted
to get it off my back
so I told him he won it
because he was my
one millionth customer.
What, you've had
a million customers?
Well, I will eventually.
I'm just not
counting in order.
Can I help you, red?
Well, dalton, I was hoping you
had an audio cassette tape
I could borrow.
Yeah, okay.
There you go.
Take your pick.
No, see,
dalton, um,
I was hoping you had
one of the newer style,
like this one here in
your answering machine.
No, you can't have
that tape, red.
I'm expecting a call.
Well, can't you just
answer the phone?
Red, I'm expecting a
call from ranger gord.
I need this
answering machine.
He's gonna warn me if
he sees anne marie
heading this way.
I got an idea.
Look.
Let me take
the tape, okay.
Then when you
answer the phone,
you just pretend you're
an answering machine.
You say, "hello, I'm not in.
Leave a message."
oh, come on, red.
Ranger gord would have to be a
complete idiot to believe --
it might just work.
Recorded a bunch of christmas
songs right off the radio
onto dalton's answering
machine tape here.
I even took the time to
edit out the commercials.
Nobody wants
to hear advertising
blaring off
the top of my van.
Actually could've made
a little money there, eh,
selling commercials
in between the songs.
Actually, I could
have visual advertising
on the side of
the van here.
Maybe have a
few sponsors, eh?
Oh, no, that's not in the
spirit of christmas at all.
Nope, I'm just gonna drive
up and down the street
giving off nothing but
cheerful christmas music.
[ ♪ "jingle bells" ]
[ music cuts out ]
dalton: Hello, this is
humphrey's everything store.
Unfortunately, we're not
available to take your
call right now...
You know, a lot of people want
to have a white christmas,
no matter what mother nature
has to say about it.
So I'm gonna show
you how to make a pretty
half-decent snow maker
out of stuff you
find around the home.
So I've taken this outboard
motor off a toboggan --
boy, there was an idea.
Anyway, what I'm gonna do is
attach it to the inside
of a basin.
I'm using one of these old
clawfoot bathtubs.
Nobody wants these
things anymore.
This is now
your snow maker.
All you do is just
add ice in there.
But you don't wanna have to
be going into the house
every ten minutes
for more ice.
So I'm just gonna hook it
up to the lodge icemaker
with a piece of dryer hose.
Now all I gotta do
is just start her up,
and in no time flat,
I'll be walking in a two-cycle,
9.9 horse
winter wonderland.
Oh, red green!
Merry christmas!
Yeah, merry christmas,
gord.
Listen, I'm sorry I don't
have a present for you.
Hope you don't mind.
No, it's a
relief, gord.
Uh, you gave me that dead
muskrat last year.
Threw me off a little.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, that was a little
oopsie on my part,
forgetting to put the
airholes in the top
of the box.
Good eatin' though.
No. No. No.
You better
sit down, red.
I have a miracle
to tell you about.
A miracle?
Yeah.
You've met a girl?
No. No, I mean a
christmas miracle.
The one that let's
animals speak.
Oh, yeah, I know
what you mean.
That christmas legend thing,
where farm animals
get the gift of speech
just for christmas eve.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Although it's
not such a miracle
that farm animals
can speak.
I mean, parrots do it
all year round.
No, what I'm
more interested in
no, no, no, it's not a
conversation, gord.
The way I understand it,
they just get down on
their knees
and they do, I think it's a
short christmas prayer.
Yes, that's what
I used to think,
until I snuck into a
barn last christmas eve
just before midnight
and took some notes.
You went into
somebody's barn?
Yeah,
door was open.
Anyway, this is an
actual conversation
that took place between
the farmyard animals.
Oh, boy.
The first to
speak was the cow.
Cow: Mooo!
Then the horse:
Hey, guys,
it must be christmas eve.
I can talk.
Oh, yeah.
Cow: It stinks
in this barn.
There are
too many flies.
Goat:
I want more food.
Cow:
Hey, guys, look.
Over in the corner,
there's a man hiding.
He has a notebook.
Horse:
Everybody shut up!
And after that the
animals were just quiet.
So no prayer.
Not a sausage.
The animals were extremely
whiny and self-centred.
I think what we all
have to realise, red,
is just because somebody
has the gift of speech,
doesn't mean it's going
to say anything of
any value.
You've proven
that, gord.
Thanks, red.
Happy new year
from winston rothschild,
reminding you if old
acquaintances can't be forgot,
call rothschild's sewage and
septic sucking services.
We're y2k compliant!
[ applause ]
red: Christmas is recalling
your own childhood memories,
all for the sole purpose
of telling your kids
how much worse off
you were than them,
how you thought
yourself lucky
just to have a mouldy potato
in your stocking
so the family could
mash it for dinner.
And the time
you and their mother
had to sell
your own shoes
just to buy each
other warm socks.
But most of all,
christmas is about
the power of imagination,
leaving milk and cookies
for santa,
hearing reindeer
hooves on the roof,
and creating these stories
about your pathetic childhood
just so you can
explain to your kids,
why they didn't get everything
they wanted this year.
Well, I know all
you youngsters out there
hear a lot about rudolf
the red-nosed reindeer
at christmas time.
I know it sounds kind
of cute and friendly,
but I just wanna
remind you children that
reindeer can kill!
I mean, normal
reindeer can kill.
How much mayhem a flying
reindeer could create
I don't even
wanna think about,
especially one
with a red nose!
Yeah, coz in the animal world,
red is a dangerous colour.
Yeah, I work with
animals all the time,
and, uh, they hate red.
Well, that's why
my uniform isn't red.
My truck isn't red.
My bandages aren't red.
Well, not at
first anyway.
You see, in th
animal kingdom,
red means irritated.
And take it from
someone who's been there,
you do not want an irritated
animal in your home...
Especially at christmas.
You'd be surprised how easy
something could go wrong.
For example, you go to leave
a carrot for rudolf on
a red napkin,
it turns into
a yuletide tragedy!
So don't be fooled
by the nice songs.
I know. I know.
It's a good thing if an animal
has a very shiny nose.
That could even
look cool.
But you know what,
if it's gone so far
that you would
even say it "glows,"
I think we're
talkin' rabies here!
Or maybe some kind of nuclear
thing's goin' on there.
I don't know.
It just takes
one vicious attack
by one rabid, deranged,
radioactive beast
and your christmas
party's ruined.
Well, unless it's a, you know,
office christmas party.
Red: Now, we thought for
christmas it would be
just perfect
to make a snowman.
And yeah,
walter come up there,
and he brought the hat and --
yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he had a carrot
for the nose and everything.
So he's all set.
We're just gonna start
with a couple of snowballs
and just roll 'em.
That's how you do it.
They've been doin' this way
since the beginning of time.
You might as well
come my way.
Why don't we stay together?
Yeah, that's better.
Since time immemorial,
just rolling.
If you get the right snow,
if it's packing.
And I'm getting there.
The thing is you gotta figure
out how big you wanna make
each one,
because you need a -- I think
you need three, don't you?
Or two or three.
One for the body,
one for the middle,
and one for the other part.
And mine's comin'
along pretty good,
but, now, walter,
his snowball's not
getting any bigger.
Why would that be,
I wonder?
Oh.
Okay, now, that
would be a softball.
Uh... Okay, good.
Thank you very much.
All right, so walter's
got the good idea.
He's gonna start again.
Now he's gonna
hand me that one.
He's gonna take
over my snowball.
I see.
All right. All right.
So again, walter's
a little younger,
and this is something for the
young folks to enjoy.
And I'm gonna let him decide
how big I should make mine.
Mine's gettin' there.
Keep goin'. Keep goin'.
And walter's coming
along pretty good there.
That's a pretty good one.
Yeah. Yeah.
And now mine's
startin' to --
boy, walter, that's
gettin' pretty, uh --
that's getting pretty
ambitious there, walter.
We gotta -- you know, we gotta
pick these up at some point.
That may be -- walter,
that may be enough.
Mine's getting.
You know, I think we're --
I think --
oh, walter!
Holy mackerel.
Holy jumpin'.
Now he can't even --
now you see?
You can't even
push it up the hill.
No, don't, don't --
don't leave it.
Look out, it'll come.
Don't leave it.
You can't leave it.
Too much?
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy!
Get outta the way!
Oh, boy.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Jump to the side, walter.
It's comin' after you.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, no, he's fine.
He's good. He's good.
Oh, she's headin'
for the ramp!
Get out of the way!
Walter get out of the way!
Uh-oh.
Oh-h-h-h!
That's comin' --
incoming!
And there's mine and...
Oh! Hey!
There's our snowman.
Nston rothschild
from rothschild's sewage and
septic sucking services
reminding you, we'll take
plenty of dough in
before it starts snowin'
and santa's ho ho hoin',
coz we're sucking
not blowing.
[ laughter and applause ]
[ dalton muttering
under his breath ]
oh!
Yeah, I was supposed to give
this programme some class
by reading
a christmas story,
but, ah, I lost
the stupid book.
Anyway, I'll have to do it
from whatever memory
I have left.
Okay, the story is
the "gift of the magee."
it's written by a guy whose
name reminds me of a
chocolate bar,
baby ruth or peter paul mounds
or something.
Anyway, quite a while ago
there was this man and this
woman that were married.
You know, which means they
weren't shacked up with
her father,
like my daughter and her
do-nothing boyfriend.
Anyway, this man and
this woman, this couple
were very much in love.
They kept it
to themselves, you know,
so you didn't have to watch
them making out on the couch
when you're trying
to clip your toenails.
Anyway, this couple was broke,
and they didn't know what to
get each other for christmas,
so at least, you know,
they had the decency
not to go to her father
and try to mooch for a loan,
which I'll
never get back!
But on the other hand,
they weren't that bright.
She cuts off all her hair here,
to buy her guy a watch chain,
and he sells his watch
to get her a doodad
for the hair she
doesn't have anymore.
The end.
Isn't that just about the most
dumb and pathetic story
you ever heard?
Oh, sure, I know it's supposed
to make you feel all
gooey inside
and remind you of the true
spirit of christmas,
which is, you know, spending
a lot of time and money
getting gifts for people
that they don't need
and you can't afford.
Well, at least that sums up
the festive spirit around
our house.
Anyway, merry christmas
and I hope this story
has taught you something,
like, you know, go out and
buy yourself something nice,
because you never know when
you're gonna go broke
and lose your hair and
have to sell your watch.
[ applause ]
red: Christmas is cutlery...
Special knives, odd spoons,
and more forks than
the road to the lodge,
plus all kinds of serving
doodads that you haven't seen,
let alone used
in almost a year.
And of course, as the man,
you're expected
to surgically dissect
the turkey with these tools,
with a bunch of other
tools heckling you.
They hand you the fancy steel
knife with the bone handle
that's duller
than a baseball bat,
forcing you to ask your guests
whether they want
white pulp or dark pulp.
But most of all, christmas is
finishing your meal
with a half-dozen forks
and spoons untouched
while you lick the mashed
potatoes off the palms
of your hands.
You know, at christmas time
my heart kinda goes out
to the less fortunate.
I'm talkin' about people who
don't like fruitcake.
And I'm one of 'em.
But you know,
if you look at fruitcake
and the weight of it
and the size of it
and the dimensions of it,
if you can get
past the gag reflex,
there are a lot of
things that you can do
that are practical applications
of this unit right here.
Let me show you a couple...
Here's something
dalton does.
He saves up all
of his fruitcakes,
and he gives 'em
out at Halloween.
It's a lot easier than just
turning the lights off,
like he used to do.
Away you go.
Ranger gord,
on christmas eve
he uses his
fruitcake as a pillow.
Fruitcake on a fruitcake.
And here's gord
on christmas day.
Now, winston uses his
fruitcake as goalie pads.
I hope he's also
wearing a fruit cup.
Here's something
you can do.
Use a fruitcake as a
poor man's cruise control.
You can do about 80 klicks
with that unit on there.
There's dalton again,
switching santa's normal treat
for a big wad of fruitcake.
And here's
dalton's stocking,
showing santa getting even.
You know, fruitcake has
the same properties as wood,
including taste.
You can keep a
stove going for hours.
Here's something.
Use a piece of fruitcake as a
lovely parking brake.
Use fruitcake
as a boat anchor.
It doesn't float.
And here's the
best one yet
you can lift fruitcake
to get your arms pumped up,
rather than eating and getting
your stomach pumped out.
Or hide your
extra key under a --
nobody's gonna look
under a fruitcake.
Christmas is such a great
season, you know.
People are
actually friendlier
because it doesn't
seem the right time
to tell other people
what you think of them.
Oh, red, boy,
I'm glad I caught you,
coz I'm handing out
all my christmas cards
to the lodge
members this year.
Saving money on stamps,
eh, dalton?
Yep.
And envelopes.
Oh, man.
Just give me a minute.
I gotta find which
one is yours.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
There it is.
Thank you, dalton.
Kinda stuck
together here.
Yeah, you know
what that is?
No.
That's whiteout.
Yeah, I had to make a
few corrections on it.
There you go.
"to red from dalton."
how'd you mess that up?
No, I had to correct
the rest of it, red,
because it used to say
"to dalton from anne marie."
and then there was a
kind of a mushy love poem
on the other side
there, you know.
I kinda had to
wipe that out.
You know, you are the
cheapest man I know,
I think.
You know,
I'm recycling!
Whiteout isn't cheap.
You know, if people
would only learn
to do their cards
with pencil...
Oh, mr. Humphrey, there you are.
I was looking for you.
I wanted to
thank you very much
for sending me this card.
Oh, no problem
there, harold.
It's not my birthday,
but I really appreciate it.
Thank you.
It's not a birthday card,
it's a christmas card.
Look, see there where I've
crossed out "birthday"
and written in "christmas"
just beneath it?
"happy christmas."
yes, that's what
the english say!
"to the birthday boy."
well, christmas is
somebody's birthday,
isn't it?
[ applause ]
merry christmas,
harold.
Gee, thanks.
If the ghosts
of christmas past
won't leave the present,
time to move
into the future,
with rothschild's sewage and
septic sucking services.
Discounts for vegetarians.
Okay, well, that's it
for our christmas special.
I hope you enjoyed it --
or part of it anyway.
And harold, can I just
say what a --
I guess treat would
be the fair word --
uh, to have you here.
Oh, thank you
very much for that.
Uncle red, at this moment,
I'd like to present to
you a little gift.
Oh, well, thank you,
harold.
I got something
for you too.
Hang on.
Here you go.
Oh! Oh!
No, wait, wait!
I'll open mine first.
We don't wanna end
on a low note.
What we got here,
harold?
It seems to be a -- looks like
a timepiece of some kind.
Yeah! Yeah!
It's an alarm clock.
You know, to help
you get up.
Yeah, well, I don't
really have anything
to get up for,
but you know, good to have.
Good to have.
Well, you know, I know
how you hate sleeping
through dinner.
Yeah, all right.
Well, open yours up,
harold.
This is exciting.
This will show you
that I finally see
that you are a man --
or as close as you're
gonna get, I think.
Yeah, pretty exciting.
Take a look at this.
Look at this.
You're gonna love this.
Look at this.
You wrap it yourself?
Yeah!
Wow! Oh, a key.
He gave me a key.
Wow!
I bet you that's to
like a brand new car.
No, it's a key
to the lodge.
Isn't that great?
Huh?
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
You can come up to the
lodge any time you want,
especially when
I'm not here.
Well, actually, I only like
coming up when you are here.
Well, don't
you get it?
No, no, no.
I'm kiddin' you.
Oh, okay.
All right.
Well, we gotta go,
so have yourself a
great holiday season,
and on behalf of everybody
out there who has
maybe a harold
in their life --
or worse yet, those of you
who have an uncle red
in your life --
merry christmas!
Closed captioning performed
by intercaption canada
www.Intercaption.Com
when I insult you
that means I like you.
Oh! Oh, okay.
That's cool.
That's cool.
Well, thank you
very much,
you fat, old,
dried up bast -- oops!