The complete transcript to Father and Son Banquet

Transcript Edit

{Text appears on screen: "Women can bear children. Men can't." A lullaby playing on a music box and a cooing baby are heard during the first line, followed by the baby squalling on the second.}


HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Father and Son Banquet" appears} And now, here's the man who is most likely to have a TV show based in a lodge named after a possum, your host, my uncle, Red Green! {laughs}

{Red enter the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds several wrapped presents, topped with bows and ribbons.}

RED GREEN: Yeah! {waves to Harold} Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I got no time for yakking this week, we gotta get busy on our annual Possum Lodge father and son banquet.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, excuse me, Uncle Red, excuse me, times have changed! I think the father and son banquet should include, y'know, like, mums and sons and fathers and daughters...

RED GREEN: All right, that's fair enough, Harold. Okay, let me correct myself. We're having the Possum Lodge father and son, father and daughter, mum and son, mum and daughter banquet, everything except uncles and nephews. The guys were very clear on that. Sorry, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: That's okay. That's okay, 'cause my dad's coming, but, y'know, thanks for asking.

RED GREEN: No, I wasn't asking.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, you were.

RED GREEN: {overlapping} No. No, I wasn't asking.

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} The way you asked. And I just said just then. And you just said no. {louder} Well, I could, but I can't! Stop asking! Stop asking!

RED GREEN: {overlapping; also getting loud} I wasn't. I wasn't asking! I'm not asking! I'm not asking!

HAROLD GREEN: {overlapping} You're not asking! You're not asking! You're not asking! You're not?

RED GREEN: {frustrated} I'm not asking! I'm not!

HAROLD GREEN: Are you getting mad?


{Harold giggles.}

Title sequenceEdit

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Winston in close to the camera. Red covers his mouth as he yawns. Winston notices.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's episode, I get a little tired.

{Cut to Red reclining on a bed made entirely out of tires.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} So I make a bed out of little tires. Segue is my middle name.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Mike is the contestant and the word is "Friend".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Mike gets out of prison long enough to have a game of Two On a Match with us.

{Cut to Red and Edgar standing next to a barbecue grill. Edgar pushes down on a garage door opener. The grill blasts smoke out of it and the lid flies off.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Edgar Montrose shows you the quick way to barbecue.

Plot Segment 2Edit

RED GREEN: So you're sure, you're positive your father's coming to the father and son banquet, right, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, won't that be great, Uncle Red? And we can enter races together, walk around, do father and son stuff.

RED GREEN: Yeah, maybe he can flash his identification at some people and they'll stop calling you that name.

HAROLD GREEN: {crossing his fingers} Here's hoping! So, what's this year's theme?

RED GREEN: Well, the father and son committee had a meeting last night.

HAROLD GREEN: The father and son committee? Who's on that?


HAROLD GREEN: You're not a father.

RED GREEN: Well, I'm a son, you know, and around here, 50% is a quorum. So we decided to make this year's theme... tires! All kinds of tires, Harold. Steel belts, all-weather radials, bias ply, off-road, the whole deal.

HAROLD GREEN: {rolling his eyes} What can you do with tires at a father and son banquet?

RED GREEN: Just you wait and see. It'll be way better than last year's theme, I'll tell ya that.

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Oh, yeah, big whoop! Salute to engine coolant. That was gross!

RED GREEN: We were doing okay 'til we used it for bobbing for apples.

Adventures With Bill TeaserEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red and Bill stand next to a tall stack of tires, which Bill shows off. He waves to Red, then to the camera. Well, Bill's way ahead of us on the tire theme. He decided he's gonna make a swing out of tires.
Bill grabs a tire from the middle of the pile. The pile drops down, then sways and creaks slightly. Red tries to keep the tire pile from falling over. Bill takes his tire and leaves. Red knocks the stack of tires over, sending the tires rolling and flying Bill's way. Bill constantly dances and jumps around to avoid the tires. Bill finally stumbles and falls in a tire tube. Bill gives a thumbs-up. Just right away, he picked a tire right out of the pile. Oh, oh, oh! Well, he wanted me to pick one out, but I– I thought he had made kind of a hasty decision there. I– I decided that it was better off to make a better quality decision if he had maybe a few more tires to choose from. So how about that one or that one or that one or these? How 'bout that? How 'bout these? How 'bout this one? How 'bout this? How 'bout that? How 'bout this here? Here's one, here's one, here's one! How 'bout this, how 'bout this, how 'bout– Oh! Excellent choice.

The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

{Harold walks up to Red and Mike Hamar at the card table, holding a stopwatch.}

HAROLD GREEN: Ha-ha! Okay, this is the big one! All righty, this week's grand prize has been donated by Junior Singleton: a promise to return half the tools he's borrowed from you over the years. All righty. Uncle Red, you have 30 seconds to make Mr. Hamar say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Friend" and mouths the word} Thirty seconds, and begin!

RED GREEN: All right, Mike, uh, buddy.

MIKE HAMAR: Gang member.

RED GREEN: Close buddy.

MIKE HAMAR: Cellmate.

RED GREEN: Uh, someone who talks about stuff...

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, informer? Stoolie? Squealie? Uh, dead meat?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, I'm– I'm thinking someone you can trust...

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, boy, uh... prison chaplain?

RED GREEN: Alright, and you can trust him because he's...

MIKE HAMAR: An ex-con himself.

RED GREEN: {pauses to think} Lemme go another way with this, all right? I'm not just the guy who signed you out on a parole thing, I'm also your buddy, your pal, your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...warden?

HAROLD GREEN: {singsong voice} You're runnin' out of time!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright. Okay, Mike, Mike! There must be somebody you can trust.

MIKE HAMAR: Um, Bambi Bazooms the feather dancer.

RED GREEN: All right, fair enough. So Bambi is your...

MIKE HAMAR: ...mum.

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}


People thought I was line-dancing
When I jumped up and spun on the chair.
So they joined in and did what I did,
Kicking one foot in the air.
We danced in a line out the front door
And down by the cedar grove.
It turned out I wasn't line-dancing at all.
I had just stubbed my toe on the stove.

The Friendly Side of DynamiteEdit

{Red and Edgar Montrose stand next to a barbecue grill outside the Lodge. Next to the grill is a huge mound of raw hamburger meat and some sticks of dynamite.}

RED GREEN: All right, it's time for this week's segment of The Friendly Side of Dynamite. {to Edgar} Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Okay, Red, today, this week, we're gonna show you how to use {holds up a stick of dynamite} dynamite for home renovations. Now, the trick here is to get the dynamite into the shape that will fit the job. A lot of guys use the expensive plastic explosives, but they got more money than me. Plus, they got the proper license and permits. So what I do is just... {bends stick of dynamite, breaking it in half} ...crack the stick open... {picks up a chunk of burger meat and sprinkles dynamite powder on it} ...mix it with some hamburger meat... That's TNT instead of MSG, Red.

{Edgar jams one of the halves of dynamite stick into the mound of meat. He then molds in his hands the smaller chunk of smaller meat with the powder.}

EDGAR MONTROSE: Y'know, the English got their bangers and mash.


EDGAR MONTROSE: {holds up meat chunk} This is both. {points behind him} Now, I got this door over here that's been stickin', and I need to give it a little attention. {walks off} C'mon with me, Red!

RED GREEN: Alright.

{Red follows Edgar over to a closed door. Edgar still molds the burger meat and dynamite powder together.}

RED GREEN: Couldn't you just plane a bit off the door or sand some off the frame or something there?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, I know I could, but I prefer to blow it to kingdom come and start all over again. I'm fussy that way. {jams the burger meat into hinge on door} Now you lay your burger into the hinge, and that should be enough to lift her right off her pins and blow her halfway across the lake. {walks off}

RED GREEN: What're ya gonna use to set off the charge? {aside to camera} Barbecue starter? {follows}

EDGAR MONTROSE: {walking back over to barbecue and picking up a garage door opener} Ultrasonic waves, Red. This baby sends 'em off and touches off the dynamite.

RED GREEN: {looking at opener} Looks like your garage door opener, Edgar.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, today, it's a shed door opener.

{Red ducks out of Edgar's way as he aims the opener at the burger meat mixed with powder jammed in the door hinge and pushes a button on it. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing.}


{Edgar pushes the button again. Suddenly, an explosion occurs from the barbecue as smoke shoots out of it and sends the lid flying into the air. Red and Edgar duck and cover their heads as the lid then lands on the grill and falls off, knocking the dynamite on the ground. Red and Edgar also cover their heads as powder falls down on them. Red and Edgar cough.}

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red stands inside another room of the Lodge, which is full of tires.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I thought I'd carry on the theme of our father-son, father-daughter, mother-son, mother-daughter picnic-banquet thing: namely, tires! You know, the young girls of today, they're growin' up, they're concerned with the ecology. They want to make a difference. {walks around to the pile of tires} So what do you say we make an entire girl's bedroom suite completely out of recycled tires? {picks up one tire inexplicably rolling toward him} Girls like pretty things, {turns tire around to show it has a white accent on it} so I suggest you go with the whitewall on that. {places tire on table} First thing we can build, is, uh, is a vanity mirror. Yeah, you got the– you already got the ebony frame on there with the decorator white accent. {reaches down on ground} And then, for your mirror, {holds up a shiny, angled hubcap} I suggest you go with the moon disc on there. It's an attractive unit, and it's got the curve on her there, and it makes women look slimmer than they really are. They really appreciate that, especially those thirteen-year-old girls going through that chunky stage. All right, now why don't we build a– a dresser for the girl's bedroom?

{Red drops the tire and the hubcap on the ground and walks over to a stack of tires in the corner of the room.}

RED GREEN: For that one, all you do is stack up a bunch of tires and then cut a four-inch hole in each one, {picks up carpet knife} uh, using a carpet knife.

{Red cuts into one of the tires on the stack. Wipe to a later scene. Red is still cutting through the tires, this time with a drill. He pulls it out of the stack. The tires all have tire patches duct-taped to the holes, save for the top one.}

RED GREEN: Perfect! Then, once you got the holes cut, you want to stick patches on there... {picks up tire patch and places it near drilled hole} to cover up the holes, kinda like your little doorways into the different compartments. {reaches hand into tire stack} So I put a wheel disc between every tire, so you got, like, little shelving in there. When you put the flaps on, you need some kind of a hinge. You can use metal hinges on that. You could glue some fabric on that. Or if you like to look at silver, {picks up a roll of duct tape} I suggest the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {removes a piece of tape} Then once you got your flaps on there, of course, {sticks his hand into top hole} you can just reach in, get your various articles of clothing. {pulls out T-shirt} Maybe you keep your T-shirts there and... {reaches into second hole and pulls out a pair of underwear; shocked, hastily puts it back} None of my business... {reaches into third hole} And you got your, maybe... What do you got in here? {pulls out a sock} Socks. All right. Look at that, how neat and tidy-lookin' that is. And that's just the beginning.

{Red walks over to a desk lamp with tires stacked on top of each other as table legs. On the desk are a phone, some papers and a lamp covered in tires.}

RED GREEN: You can also build a very attractive and useful girl's desk. Isn't that a beauty? {looks at lamp} And how about this? This is a nice little touch: a beautiful desk lamp. {turns on lamp; light shines through tires} You won't believe this, but this is made out of tires. {walks away from desk} And we can also make ourselves a dandy little girl's bed. What do we use for a mattress? {picks up an inner tube} Inner tubes make sense, don't they? And why don't we add a little bit of romance, a little bit of excitement? How about one of those Victorian, Renaissance, turn-of-the-century, four-poster beds, eh? Girls love that kind of stuff. What can we use for the posts?

{Red goes over to a corner of the room and pulls out a piece of car axle with the tires on it.}

RED GREEN: How about one of these rear-end units, which you can get out of passing vehicles if you dig a big enough pothole.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red has made a bed out of tires, inner tubes and the car axles, plus one of the support beams of the room. He has covered the whole thing in flags.}

RED GREEN: There we go. So now, when your teenage gets tired, she can just retire to her tires. Let's see if it's comfortable. {climbs onto bed} Fools rush in where angels fear the tread. {lies down on bed} Ooh, boy! {groans} Gosh! Now, that is beautiful. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And to think we made this out of old rear ends. Actually, you can tell.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Edgar sits on the roof of a house. Someone falls past him out of the sky.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up, Edgar shows you that the explosive business has its ups and downs.

Red's Sage AdviceEdit

RED GREEN: I wanna talk to all you guys out there, 'cause I know what you're going through. You get up on a Saturday morning, swing open the closet door, and you're face-to-face with clothes you have never seen before in your life. Men's clothes! So you run over to the bed to see if your wife's havin' an affair. But no. {shakes his head} It's worse than that. She has bought you new clothes! Collared golf shirts and those jeans they have for fat guys so you can't tell how big their butt really is. Now, ordinarily, you would never wear clothes like that, but she's also thrown out your old clothes! You know that sweatshirt you got when you were fourteen at Camp Cappawiggamuggawedgie? And those jeans you've been wearing for ten years, even though you gotta hang from the ceiling to get your gut into them? Well, I say don't fight it, go along with it, use your head. A guy wearing new clothes can't cut the grass or wash the car or take out the garbage. {nods} Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Harold looks sad. Red enters the Lodge, holding a tire in each hand.}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} You'll never guess what we found, Harold. Down the road, behind Lucky Ballerson's place: tire dump! {to audience} Had to be five acres of tires. No wonder they call him Lucky. {Harold is uninterested} Got enough tires to make a global village. We're gonna have the Yokohamas from Japan, Pirellis from Italy, and Frisk tires from K-Mart. {back to Harold; noticing his mood} What's the matter with you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's... my dad called. Can't come to the father-and-son banquet.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy...

AUDIENCE: Awwww...

HAROLD GREEN: I may have to cancel, Uncle Red... Have to go, y'know, can't go, I guess or somethin'... Have to find someone else, Uncle Red... Y'know, someone in my family, some other relative, y'know, I don't know, Uncle Red... Someone...

RED GREEN: You know, Harold, as you're talkin' there, it strikes me funny that dads are so much like tires, you know? Even when they get old and bald and got the bulges in the side, they're still good for something, you know? And I'm thinking, maybe what we'll do is teach the kids about tire maintenance, y'know, at the father-son banquet.

HAROLD GREEN: {uninterested} Sounds great, yeah, good, sure, great...

{Red stares at his nephew for a few seconds, then finally gets a frustrated look.}

RED GREEN: Oh, for gosh sakes! Tell you what: I'll think it over.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly overjoyed; speaking quickly} Oh, excellent! Okay, excellent! Okay, good! {laughs; Red looks annoyed} So good! It's great! That'd be perfect, that'd be fun! And I'll– And I'll be good! I'll be really– I'll be quiet and everything! I'll– I'll, y'know, make sure that I'm a good guy and everything! And I'll make you proud to be with me! And I'll be calm! I'll be, oh, so calm! {laughs} And I won't eat a lot, and I won't drink my– I'll drink my pop really slow this year! 'Cause, last year, I had this really big belch and I embarrassed everybody, but this year, I won't do that! 'Cause I know you wouldn't do anything half that gross! {laughs} And I won't talk! I won't talk a lot! Sometimes, people say I talk a lot, but I won't talk a lot this year! I'm gonna do really– And when I do talk, I'm gonna make sure it's specific topics that are in the interest of everybody within earshot! Not just myself, y'know, not like topics like {suddenly wavers} girls! Or, you know, like the candy floss I can get in my mouth before it comes out my nose! I won't even talk about things like that! Have you thought about it yet?

{Red stares.}

Segue: Edgar MontroseEdit

{Edgar lies awkwardly on the roof of a house. He slowly sits up, groaning and coughing.}

EDGAR MONTROSE: Hi, this is Edgar Montrose with a safety tip: whenever you're setting up explosive charges with your partner, always work out your hand signals before you light the fuse.

{Edgar suddenly sees someone fall out of the sky and land on the ground by the house.}

EDGAR MONTROSE: {raising right hand, which is a finger short} I told ya five! Not– {looks at hand} My mistake. {holds up left hand} This is five. {holds up right hand} That's four. All right, let's set it up again.

{Edgar falls back down on his back.}

Buddy SystemEdit

{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Now, what did you go and do that for?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Of all the insensitive things you've ever done!

RED GREEN: She's talking to you about the relationship, pursuing dreams...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: She's talking about the future, about being together, but being scared. You know, she's basically pouring her heart out to ya.

RED GREEN: And you had to go and yawn! {he and Winston both shake their heads} The worst thing you could ever do.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Never, ever, ever, ever yawn at your wife!

RED GREEN: As in "never".

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly. I mean, couldn't you have left the room? One of the most personal moments in your relationship and you yawn?!

RED GREEN: Alright, this is a biggie, so we're gonna show you a couple of ways, maybe you can undo the damage.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Watch and learn. Now, first of all, you tell her it wasn't a yawn at all.


WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No, no, no, it was her revelations that left you slack-jawed and amazed. Y'know, sort of like... {opens his mouth wide, as if in surprise}

RED GREEN: Yup, or go to the doctor and convince him you've got a sleeping disorder, all right? Once she hears that, she'll be forgiving.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, there's nothing like a little neurological blackmail to get you back in the good books.

RED GREEN: That's probably right. And then what you wanna do is, you're gonna need a little plan. We actually saved the best one for last. {to Winston} Tell 'em, tell 'em, tell 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: This is– This is– This is– Me?

RED GREEN: Tell 'em.


RED GREEN: Tell 'em.


RED GREEN: Yeah...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You wait 'til she's really tired.

RED GREEN: Really tired.


RED GREEN: Yes, sir.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And ready to go to bed. And then you call her aside and you say to her, "Honey, I have some very important things to discuss with you." Then you sit her down, and you just start spieling! You just shoot the breeze about anything!

RED GREEN: Talk about the boat, talk about your new wrenches, just talk about the dog...


RED GREEN: Doesn't matter what it is, just keep yakking, okay?


RED GREEN: Eventually, she's gonna yawn.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Eventually? With you going, she'll be yawning in seconds.

RED GREEN: So much the better. As soon as she yawns, you blurt out something really personal, then you can turn the tables on her!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly! {seriously} But don't blow it, {Red covers his mouth, as if yawning himself} because, remember, this is the most important moment of the rest of your married... {sees Red covering his mouth} What are you doing?

RED GREEN: No, no, Winston, it was just...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: I was doing the thing! {Red stammers, trying to explain himself} It was a complete yawn!

RED GREEN: No, I was staring in amazement in...

{They turn and leave.}


RED GREEN: No, no, no, no...

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Harold tunes his switcher while Red rolls a tire into the Lodge. He places this tire on a stack of other tires.}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, I'm probably gonna regret this, but I thought it over.

HAROLD GREEN: {eagerly} Oh! Yeah, okay, yes, yes? {giggles}

RED GREEN: {rubbing his hands together} Well, you know, uh... you are sort of flesh and blood in a way...

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah, y'know, go ahead, go ahead...

RED GREEN: ...seeing as how your dad, y'know, can't really make it...

HAROLD GREEN: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm...

RED GREEN: Well, all right, Harold, uh, would you like to come to the father-and-son banquet with me?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I can't, sorry. {laughs; Red looks away, annoyed} I'm already goin' with somebody else.


HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! I ran into a couple of kids who are looking for a father figure... {pointing to himself} namely, me. So I'm going with them. You don't even know these boys. I think it's, y'know, Ricky and Ronnie.

RED GREEN: The Ripman brothers?

HAROLD GREEN: Ripling. The name's Ripling.

RED GREEN: Whatever, you know. I don't care about that, Harold. You know what they'd probably enjoy? The air dare!


RED GREEN: Air dare. {to audience} We'll have an air dare. Sort of like that game "Kaboom", only instead of with a wimpy little balloon, we'd blow up an inner tube from one of them earth-movers, you know? You pay a quarter and you see how far you can take her before she blows. You know, it gets around to 200 pounds, it starts to crackle and pop, you know? I'll tell ya, it'll take a man to take her over 210!

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I don't think that's the point of a father-and-son banquet, you know. Kids don't wanna stand around and watch somebody blow their arms off. Kids wanna do something with their fathers and their brothers and their family and stuff. You know, you should find games that, you know, kids will be interested in.

RED GREEN: So you say cancel the air dare?


RED GREEN: What about the wheel wrench juggling?

HAROLD GREEN: Not a good idea.

RED GREEN: {to audience} You wonder why I don't have kids?

Red's Handyman TipsEdit

{Red stands behind a table with various tools tied by string to his belt.}

RED GREEN: Here's a little tip for you handymen who keep losing your tools: take the tools that you're gonna need most often and tie them with strings to your belt. Like, today, I'm gonna be doing some plumbing, {holds up a solder by its string} so I got my solder, {holds up a roll of black tape by its string} I got my pipe tape, {holds up a pipe wrench by its string} I got my pipe wrench...

{The wrench swings up and hits Red on the head, knocking him down.}

RED GREEN: {pulling down a set of Band-Aids by its string} My Band-Aids...

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill and Red walk through the forest, up to a pointy tree stump. Bill holds a tire and Red an inner tube. Bill drops the tire down on the stump. Debris suddenly shoots up in the air. Bill stumbles backward and bumps against Red's inner tube, knocking him over. Bill stumbles forward. Meanwhile, back at the tire swing...
Cut to a later scene. Bill and Red are now standing in front of a tree. Bill looks up at a tree branch hanging above. He points up and then, in pantomime, explains his plan to Red. Bill then pulls out a rope from his pants. He keeps pulling the rope out, which is increasing in length. He finally reaches a point where he can't pull the rope anymore; it's snagged on something and won't budge. He tugs on the rope several times before finally yanking it hard. Suddenly, Red's pants fall down. Red looks at his underwear, dumbfound. A hand comes into view and covers up Red's underwear. Bill had everything organized as usual. He still wanted to try that little tire. I was suggesting the inner tube. But, uh, he needs to throw a rope up over the– Got a rope in his pants. Well, it's handy. Gotta throw– He's gonna throw that up over the branch. It's kinda handy. Get 'er outta there, Bill. Oh, you don't want that to be snugged up around... What's going on? Give it a good yank, Bill. I really can't, uh, I really can't explain that.
Later, Bill ties a pipe wrench to the rope and gives a thumbs-up to the camera. Anyway, he got my pipe wrench, which I had finished with, as you know. And, uh, he's gonna– That gives us a little weight.
Bill swings the rope with the wrench on it around in a circle while Red takes cover behind him. He then aims to hurl the wrench to the branch above, but it slips through his fingers and it flies through the air, off to his right. Suddenly, there is a crash from offscreen. But Bill doesn't notice; he is perplexed by why it didn't go the way he wanted it. You know, this is kinda smart. At least, it seems smart, at the moment. You know, it wasn't really that smart. Golly, I wonder what happened there.
Red and Bill look offscreen to see where the wrench with the rope tied to it went. Bill then tugs on the rope. They finally found the wrench and where it crashed. The wrench has snagged on a car door. Bill pulls the rope closer, taking the door with it. Hey, Bill, what do you suppose happened there? Do you suppose it went up over the tree the way it should? I don't think so. You know, I think it went somewhere it shouldn't have gone, Bill. What's that we have here? My, my, my!
Red picks up the door and holds it up to the camera. He and Bill look over at where the door came from: the driver's side of the Possum Van, which has now had the door ripped off. Bill gasps silently and then laughs nervously. They exchange looks. Let's see. Is that something that belongs to Bill, do we think? I don't think so. I think that's my door. Huh!

Commercial bumperEdit

{Harold is standing in the Lodge, his body and clothes tattered and dirty.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We'll be back to finish the tire swing, and you can find out why Harold looks odder than usual.

Plot Segment 5Edit

{Harold stands in the Lodge, which is now completely full of tires. Red enters, holding two more tires, one in each hand. Harold looks at the tires and then at his uncle.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red, enough with the tires already!

RED GREEN: {putting the tires on a stack of tires} Can't help myself, Harold. Ever since we started doing this for the kids, it's like a carnival out there. {wipes his hands together} We got tire toss games, we got tire obstacle courses there, tire swings. Man, it's unbelievable. We built a whole barbecue entirely out of whitewalls. Unbelievable. I got Moose Thompson dressed in tires. He's Rollo the Radial Clown. You know, I'm almost sorry I have to go to this thing on my own, to be honest with ya.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, actually, I'm really glad to hear you say that, you know, 'cause I was thinking about that. You know, the fact that, y'know, you don't have any kids, and that probably makes you, y'know, th–the way you are, you know. And I was thinking, you know, an old, chubby guy with a beard, that's really pretty pathetic.

RED GREEN: {getting impatient} Is there good news coming soon in this speech, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, yes, yes! Okay, well, what I did was, I found somebody for you to take to the picnic.

RED GREEN: A fake son?

HAROLD GREEN: A fake dad!


HAROLD GREEN: Old Man Sedgewick!


HAROLD GREEN: I told him you were his son!

RED GREEN: Well, no, that'd be alright, you know? As long as we tell everybody that I'm adopted.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! He insisted.

Adventures With Bill 2Edit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red and Bill stand under the tree. Red holds a tire in his hand and Bill looks up to throw the pipe-wrench-tied rope to the tree. He throws the wrench and the rope up in the air. Well, here we are back at the tire swing.
The rope with the pipe wrench tied to it catches on a branch on the tree and loops around it. The wrench swings over the branch and comes back down, hitting Bill on the head and knocking him down. Bill struggles to his feet. I'm still waiting for the fun to start, but he got the rope over. Oh, no, now, this is more fun now. Yeah. {chuckles}
Stumbling, Bill holds up his hand. He then pulls down on the wrench and the rope, pulling the rope over the branch. He points to the tire in Red's hand and snatches it out of his hand. Anyway, now he's got the rope over. Oh, you're fine. And, uh, he's still insisting on going in that little tire. You know, I had the big inner tube there, but...
Bill digs something out of his overalls pocket. He pulls out a box cutter and holds it up in front of Red's face. Red takes a step back in shock. Bill presses the blade over the tire to cut it. He presses hard against the tire, but suddenly, the blade of the cutter breaks off and sticks somewhere. Bill recoils. The blade is stuck in his right nostril. What're you doin', Bill? He's gonna try and cut a hole. It's a little exacting type thing, but– Oh, my gosh!
Gently, Bill pulls the blade out of his nose and then cringes. Red cringes and looks at him and then the camera nervously. Oh, oh! Boy, you know, there are times when you wish this show was on radio.
Bill looks disgusted and then puts the box cutter in his back pocket. Red takes the pipe on the rope and loops it through the tire. Bill points to his own head. He then takes the wrench and pulls it around and over the tire. Anyway, he's fine, and, uh... Get rid of that stuff. Well, put it in your pocket. There, that's fine. Why don't we go through the hole? There's a novel approach. There's a– Yeah. Yeah, away you go. All right, so he gets that up...
Cut to a later scene. The tire is now hanging from the tree branch and Bill is struggling to get his feet into the hole of the tire. He's holding onto the rope for support. He swings back and forth gently, while hanging off the tire in an awkward position. He lets go of the rope and, still swinging, struggles to get out of the tire. ...over there now. Imagine you're walking down the street, you go by the playground, you look in, and you see something to this nature. Would you perhaps call 911 or an ambulance of some kind, or...
Later, Bill has taken off the tire and replaced with the inner tube. He fits better in this tire. He gives a thumbs-up. He grabs a hold of the rope, not knowing that the box cutter is still sticking out of his pocket, broken blade side out and sticking against the tube. ...would you just start shooting? I don't know. Anyway, what I find is we start– Oh, no! –got the big tube– Look out, Bill, that knife!
Suddenly, the cutter punctures the tube and air whooshes out. It propels the tube, with Bill on it, forward. It swings around and around the tree. Red swings his head around in unison with the tube, as Bill swing around the tree, as the rope gets shorter as it winds around the tree branch. Finally, the tube, with Bill on it, crashes into the branch. Red cringes. The knife– Bill, the knife– The knife– Oh, he's– Oh, he's– He's moving, you know. Oh, I see, the rope's winding around– Bill, the rope's winding around there. There might be– Bill, this might not work out. Bill! Bill!
Bill is entangled in the rope on top of the tree branch, with the deflated inner tube under him. The branch weighs down under him and finally breaks. Red ducks as the branch, with Bill on it, falls on the ground with a crash. Dazed, Bill stumbles to his feet, the deflated inner tube over his shoulder. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera. There, he stopped. Oh, here he comes! Well, that was a fun ride, wasn't it, Bill? You all right? Want to go again?

Plot Segment 6Edit

{The front door of the Lodge opens. Smoke billows into it. Red and Harold enter, their clothes burned, tattered and dirty. They walk unsteadily up to the camera.}

RED GREEN: And to think a few hours ago, I was actually wishing I had a son of my own. 'Course, that was before the big tire fire.

HAROLD GREEN: I heard it was started when some senseless parent gave their kid matches.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} It's not always the kid's fault, you know, Harold. {to camera} Old Man Sedgewick told me to go and start the barbecue.

{The audience applauds.}

HAROLD GREEN: {jokingly} Yeah, okay, but shouldn't you be calling him "Dad"?

RED GREEN: There's a lot of things I should be calling him. You know, to be fair, in hindsight, I think we had maybe too– too many tires piled up against the Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Boy, can those whitewalls burn.

RED GREEN: I thought we had her under control, but then the fire hit the tire hide-and-seek village.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Well, next year, I think we ought to pick a theme that's not so... flammable.

RED GREEN: Harold, you just don't understand how fun works, do you?

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Uncle Red, a wall of burning tires, y'know, being surrounded by flames engulfed in risking life and limb is... y'know, it's just not my idea of fun!

RED GREEN: You're kiddin', right?

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: I give up. Meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. {Harold goes down into basement; to camera} I actually know that a big tire fire is not fun, but windin' him up sure is! And, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. It's been quite a day. I smell like burnt rubber, I don't want to have any kids, and you got a brand-new father-in-law! {to audience} The rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves, then turns for basement}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting in the basement. Red walks down the stairs, where the men are all throwing things around.}

HAROLD GREEN: No throwing things!

{Red takes his place at the front of the meeting, where Harold stands.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise! All rise! All up!

{The men all stand up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

RED GREEN: Sit down, guys.

{Everyone sits down. Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of}

ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} For more information on Red Green and Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or find us on the Internet at