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The complete transcript for Green Green

Title sequenceEdit

{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold holding up a sign reading "Teachers are People II" and pointing to his own head.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This is Red Green. In today's show, Harold salutes his teachers...

{Cut to a shot of Bill looking down at something at his feet and not being able.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill gets stuck in the mud...

{Cut to a shot of Red sitting in a lawn chair, the webbing of which he accidentally tore by sitting through with his rear now stuck in the seat. He struggles with the chair.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna give you the lowdown on how to fix your lawn chair.

{Cut to an exterior shot of the lodge. Several gunshots appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}

IntroEdit

{The camera walks out from a back room and looks at several items before arriving in the main lodge room, while Harold introduces the show.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's time for the show about the greatest Canadian folk hero since Uncle Joe on Petticoat Junction! {lower voice} Well, you know, of course, he wasn't Canadian, so that's not fair. Of course, no one even cares about my uncle of his complexion, {ecstatic again} so here he is, my uncle, Mr. Red Green!

{Red walks into the lodge and waves as the audience cheers. He holds a manila envelope in his hand. Harold makes excited gyrations and cheers and whoops loudly. Red looks at Harold listlessly.}

RED GREEN: {waving the audience's cheering down} Thank you very much. Thank you, and please {gestures toward Harold} take anything that Harold says with a grain of aspirin.

{Harold laughs and plays his switcher. A shot of him stretching and getting distorted is shown flying over the lake. He whoops loudly.}

RED GREEN: And a jar of gramal. Things have been kinda slow up at the lodge this week, so I ended up with some time on my hands, and I thought, well, maybe I'll clean out the boathouse or maybe drag some of the old car batteries out of the front hall. {looks at manila envelope} I decided instead to take a look at this month's mail.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red, eagerly} Oh, great! Oh, that's a great choice, because maybe my Star Trek stuff came! Did it come, my Star Trek stuff? Come?

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} No, Mr. Spock, it did not. However, your report card did.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh... Well, good. {giggles} You didn't read it, by chance, did you, Uncle Red, did you?

RED GREEN: {looking at camera suspiciously} You know, I thought it was kind of odd that, uh, my nephew's report card'd come here to Possum Lodge rather than his home, where his parents are. {to Harold} Doesn't that seem unusual to you, Harold?

{Harold looks nervous. He breathes in sharply as he tries to think.}

RED GREEN: Huh?

HAROLD GREEN: No.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No?

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles nervously} Can I have it, please? Can I?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, we'll talk about it later, I guess. {to camera} But on a happier note, {holds up piece of paper from envelope} I got this application form from the government, where they say if we can get ourselves classified as a recreational, uh, tourist attraction, they will give us a grant for upgrading and promotion.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Government money?! {giggles; singsong voice} You'll lose your independence! {giggles again; dramatically, pointing down at floor} You're turning your back on the free market capitalist system that we have created for each and every individual in this fine, great, outstanding country of ours, {points up dramatically} sir!

RED GREEN: It's $50,000, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I've been in there like a dirty shirt, don't get me wrong. It's not me, {points behind himself with thumb} it's– it's the others I'm thinking of.

RED GREEN: They're there, we should be there. 'Course, we don't need that much money. The whole lodge is only worth twenty. But I figure, gosh, I could get even 300 bucks, get myself half a dozen, uh, repoed boats or what have you. I mean, that'd be fine. But then I thought to myself, gee, I'm not sure if, you know, Possum Lodge would qualify. {Harold starts sneaking up behind Red} But then, by golly, you know, it would make the lodge more Canadian if– if the business was subsidized by the government. {Harold has gotten up behind Red} Don't touch that report card, Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: {recoiling} Oh...

Red's Campfire Song 1Edit

{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by tapping a plastic gas container.}

RED GREEN:

Oh, when I was a lad, my dad would take me
Down to Possum Lake.
We'd build a raft out of logs and empties,
Then we'd lie in the sun and bake.
We'd paddle out for a mile or more
Till the shore was starting to dim.
Then good old Dad would set the raft on fire,
And that's how he taught me how to swim.

Handyman CornerEdit

{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the lodge, where Red is standing next to a workbench. On the workbench is a lawn chair.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show you some fine furniture restoration that will not only enhance the beauty, but will also add to the value {gestures toward chair} of this beautiful old antique aluminum lawn chair. {picks up chair and sets down on floor} Now, what happens with these units is, unless you're one of those purists that brings 'em in for the winter, is that they sit out there in the sun and the sleet and the rain and the hail and the icicles and the tornadoes and the thunderstorms and the monsoons, if you live near the coast. And what happens is, you get a chemical change in the webbing here where this soft, plastic, pliable, durable stuff turns into kind of a crystallized, crunchy, gray and white (?) substance, {sits down in chair} and, uh, next thing you know, your barbecue guests sit down and, uh... {accidentally sits through webbing; his backside is now stuck in chair} spill their hot dogs and beer all over their leisure suit. Not to mention the four-inch sliver from the deck that goes up through the seat of their pants in search of a new home. And before you know it, your dinner party goes from your backyard to small claims court. {struggles to get up, but is stuck; moves around} Now, this might look funny, and it is, but not if it happens to you. But instead of throwing the chair out in the garbage, or I should say, throwin' it in the garage with the idea that you're gonna fix it someday, for nine years or ten years or a hundred years, and then throwing it out, I'm gonna show you a way to restore this antique beauty back to as good as new. {struggles to get out of chair, but only moves chair around several inches} Oh boy! Glad I waxed the floor.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red had gotten out of the chair, which he has now placed on the worktable. He is using a saw to cut through the straps.}

RED GREEN: All right, uh, once you got the straps, uh, cut through there, you just gotta {takes a pair of pliers} pop those metal clips off the top.

{Red puts the pliers on one of the clips and tries to pull them out. But it doesn't budge. Instead, he manages only to shake the lawn chair around. He grunts with the effort.}

RED GREEN: God! Those things are really on there!

{Red then places the pliers on the chair again and then lifts it up into the air with them. He then swings the pliers around to get the metal clips off. However, with the pliers, he throws the chair across to the other end of the room. Off-screen, it lands somewhere with a crash. Red runs over to the chair. He is heard then again trying to pull off a metal clip. Again, he accidentally throws the chair across the room. Red runs after it again. Again, he tries to pull off a metal clip with the pliers, and again, he sends the chair flying across the room. Wipe to a later scene. Red throws the chair on the table. The lawn chair has finally gotten all the metal clips and the straps removed. All there is now is just the frame of the chair itself. Red walks up to the chair, holding the pliers, which has a piece of the strap in it.}

RED GREEN: {groans} Oh boy! {coughs} All right, that's got her. {puts pliers on table, then picks up chair} Now what we have to do is put the webbing on there. {puts chair off to side} It's expensive stuff, I'll tell ya. Fifteen bucks a roll seems a little steep to fix a $2 lawn chair, don't you think? Luckily, I may not have money, but I have imagination. 'Course, I'd rather have money. {picks up a roll of ribbon on the table} So I suggest you use something else. Like maybe ribbon... {looks at ribbon closely} Although, now, the– the sides of that are pretty sharp, you know. You think a paper cut's bad? Try sliding your backside over that in your Speedo; that'll get your attention. Have your own checkerboard on there. {picks up a spool of lamp cord} Or you can use lamp cord. That'll work good. {examines the cord} That's not sharp on the edge at all. It comes in the brown, it comes in the white. It could be kind of attractive and... 'Course, I have a ton of this left over from that electric weaver's loom I made last year. {puts down cord and picks up some car seat belts} Or car seat belts, that would work. {examines seat belts} Well, you're sitting on them anyway. {shrugs} Might as well make it official. {picks up some skipping rope} Or you can even use a kid's skipping rope while they're at school. They don't mind you doing stuff like that. {drops the rope} Whatever it is you use, you want to attach it all on there {picks up a roll of duct tape} with the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {pulls off a small bit of duct tape} Now, you can do it that. {pulls off some more duct tape} But I got a better idea.

{Red starts to pull off a lot more duct tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has covered the whole lawn chair in duct tape, all silvery and shiny.}

RED GREEN: Look at that! Shiny silver frame, shiny silver webbing. Kinda looks like the Lone Ranger's lawn chair, doesn't it? And that shiny chrome look just, uh, just screams money as far as I'm concerned. Or maybe it just screams imagination. {puts chair on ground} And she is strong! I'll tell ya, your Aunt Orpha can sit in this baby. Let's try her out. {sits down in chair} Oh! Oh yeah! Oh, that's solid. That is solid. You got room for me in here and a fully-stocked cooler. And you know what you could do is you could, say, uh, make a patio umbrella and a hammock and– and even a garden trellis. Cover them all with duct tape; you get kind of a coordinated look. Can't beat that. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red waves and then stands up to get out of the chair. But the chair is stuck to him, the duct tape apparently having been put on sticky side up. He grunts while moving around, trying to pull the chair off of him.}

RED GREEN: Oh, now, here's an added bonus: you can use the chair as a lint remover. {suddenly pushes chair off of him, making a popping sound; keels over and groans in pain} Or a hair remover! {walks away slowly, still keeled over} I forgot about the rip in those pants.

The ExpertsEdit

{Harold stands in the lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! This is the part of the show that I love as we expose the three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {"The Experts" title appears, Red and Dougie emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room} And here to prove that point once again is my Uncle Red and his best friend in the whole wide world! {looks at them briefly} Today, it's Mr. Dougie Franklin!

{Red and Dougie wave. They all sit around the table. Harold picks up a letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: Here's the letter: {reads} "Dear Experts, I'm thinking of taking the family on a vacation this winter. Are there any places you would recommend?"

RED GREEN: Well, by golly, there are just so many of them, you know. Beautiful spots... {looks down to think} Uh... {looks up again} Moose Lake... {Dougie takes off one of his boots and feels around inside it} Uh, Moose Jaw... Uh, Moose Factory is nice. Uh... {Dougie puts his boot back on} Moosonee this time of year...

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I think the viewer would like, uh, less Moose and more fun.

RED GREEN: Oh, all right.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {after adjusting his boot} You know, you got your Bahamas... you know you got the Barbados, you got your, uh, Bimini Island, your Bikini Atoll, (?), you know. But I would recommend to anybody, if you're looking into a tropical paradigm, {holds up three fingers} remember these three words, folks, three words: {holds up left thumb} food, {holds up left index finger} weather, {holds up left middle finger} medical care. You can't tell me the best doctors are working at resort circuits.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, uh, is there a place that you would recommend, Mr. Franklin?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, sir, I would think, before I'd sign on the dotted line for any one of those tropical tours, I'd take a good, hard look at a '65 or a '66 Mustang, Harold.

RED GREEN: Dougie, I don't think that is technically a resort, um... even if you turn the heater up full on that one.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Well, that's my point, though, Red. I mean, you know, {holds up both hands} why blow your brains out on two weeks of sunstroke and diarrhea, you know, when, for the same price, you could invest, okay, in a mint, boss 302 convertible? Instead of fun in the sun, you can have it made in the shade.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but I still don't think you could really equate, y'know, uh, seeing another country, another culture, even, with buying a used car.

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Harold, the amount of money I spend on my monster truck... I coulda been around the world three, maybe four times, and what would I have to show for it? {both he and Red look at Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: Well, uh, adventure, knowledge, memories...

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {scoffs} You cannot crush cars with memories.

RED GREEN: {nods} Got you there, Harold.

Endless SummerEdit

{Red is sitting on a bench on a hot summer day. He reads from a book.}

RED GREEN: It is summer. A shotgun, a big hunting knife, leg hold traps, trip wires, pistols. You're armed and you're ready. And God help the neighbor who tries to use your pool.

Visit With Ranger GordEdit

{Red is at Fire Watchtower 13.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I took the application form to Ranger Gord, but he was all excited about something else.

RANGER GORD: {excited, standing up} Oh, I wanna show you something! Come here. {points out of tower as Red stands up} Look out there. You notice anything?

RED GREEN: {staring at where Gord is pointing} Forest?

RANGER GORD: No. {pointing again} A new tree. There's a new little tree.

RED GREEN: {looking at where Gord is pointing} What color is it?

RANGER GORD: {smiling} It's green. It's a green one. {shrugs} Cute, huh? I don't know what I'm gonna call him yet. {picks up a pair of binoculars and looks out through them} Oh, no, it's a her.

RED GREEN: {looking into camera} Thirty-one hundred days, folks.

RANGER GORD: Yep. Best attendance record in the province. Mr. Reliable, that's what they called me. That's why H.Q. sent me to this tower; this is the toughest tower they've got. {voice suddenly wavers} I moved up this ridge. {sobs softly}

RED GREEN: That's all right. {pulls out grant application} Uh, I'll tell you what, Gord. Gord, one thing you could help me with here, uh, I got this grant application from the government. I thought maybe you could point out any problems that you think you might have or whatever, you know?

RANGER GORD: {suddenly cheerful again, taking application} Sure! Sure, I'm with the clerical side of things, too, so if H.Q. has a cushy desk job available, I'm ready.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, we're trying to upgrade Possum Lodge.

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah. {examining application} Yeah, you'll be fine, as long as you don't have any pollution problems. It says you'll have to clean up any environmental infractions.

RED GREEN: {taking back application} Oh. Yeah, all right, we can do that. Y'know, we got the septic system now. {puts application in back pocket}

RANGER GORD: Oh, yeah. But you know, you're gonna have to hook it up.

RED GREEN: Oh, right. Okay, well, thank you, Gord. That's terrific. Thanks. {gets up and starts heading for stairs}

RANGER GORD: {getting up} Don't go, don't go, don't go!

RED GREEN: {waving} I gotta–

RANGER GORD: No! Please, look! {holds up a metal bucket} I made a huge salad! {Red waves and starts walking down the stairs}

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red enters the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, we're getting there with the cleanup. Stinky Peterson says that he can find the lid to the septic tank, because he knows what part of the lake it dropped into when it blew off during Mexican night. And now Buster Hadfield's out with a snow shovel, skimming the scum off of Possum Bay. And Moose Thompson is converting the barbecue to run on propane instead of old furniture.

HAROLD GREEN: That's wonderful, Uncle Red, but, y'know, all this cleanup and conversion, it costs money, and who's gonna pay for that?

RED GREEN: Well, the lodge is, Harold, out of the grant money.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles and walks up close to Red} Oh, yeah, that's all well and good, but what if it doesn't add up, right? What if all the expenses, once subtracted from the grant, actually equal a debit, {Red takes out Harold's report card and examines it} which is oftentimes, uh, you know, created and symbolized by that of a negative integer?

RED GREEN: {looking at Harold's report card} That's an interesting concept from a guy who got 43 in math.

HAROLD GREEN: {annoyed} Don't! That's personal and private property! {points at report card which Red pulls away} You shouldn't even be looking or nothin' at it! {reaches out to grab report card}

RED GREEN: Well, I–

{Red pulls the report card away from Harold. Harold then sneaks up behind his uncle and tries to repeatedly to grab the report card from behind. But Harold's every attempt to grab it is thwarted by Red pulling it away repeatedly.}

RED GREEN: {while Harold tries vainly to reach for report card} I don't think Harold has the strength or coordination to take this off me, if his gym mark is any indication. {Harold gives up in frustration}

Red's Campfire Song 2Edit

{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:

Ohhh...
There once was a guy from the city named Dave,
Who came up here to camp.
Well, Dave never wore pajamas,
And he said that was really camp.
When it came time to go to bed,
We heard a horrible yip.

HAROLD GREEN: Yip!

RED GREEN:

While zipping up his bedroll,
Dave had made a painful slip.
Well, we all had a real good laugh,
With the exception of Dave,
Who now wears pajamas to cover a scar that looks like a little wee windbreaker,
Which is what it is.

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill stoops down next to the Possum Van and examines its left rear tire, which is in a mud patch. Red walks up, holding a shredded umbrella. The "Adventures With Bill" title appears. Bill gets to his feet and waves to Red. It's time now for "never lend your van to an idiot", or as we call it, "Adventures With Bill".
Bill waves to the camera and explains, in pantomime, what is going on. He makes driving motions with his hand as part of it. He has apparently driven the Possum Van into the mud patch. He gestures Red to go off-screen, which Red does, closing his umbrella as he does so, while Bill gets into the van's driver seat. He leans out the door and looks over his shoulder while holding the door. Bill had borrowed the van. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we know, Bill. And he got her deep into a... into a pothole there full of wet mud and goo. So he wants me to push and he's gonna... I'm not sure if I should've done this.
Bill steps on the gas, causing the rear wheels to spin wildly, while Red tries to push the van. But the wheels kick up mud and dust in Red's face. Red retreats. Maybe I should. And he gets her... just guns it, you know? Thank you, Bill, thank you. I'm soaked right through...
Moments later, Red returns and Bill wipes him down with a pair of empty burlap bags, one in each hand. Bill wipes his face and bumps into his hat, which annoys Red, who bops Bill on the head with his umbrella. Bill recoils and stops. ...as far as you can go with a permit. And, uh... Bill! Bill, that's enough!
Bill gestures with his thumb to the open driver's seat door and Red climbs in. Bill walks over to one of the wheels in the muddy pothole and places the bags by the wheel, one in front and the other behind. Bill then steps back, away from the van and gestures Red to start up the van. The wheel spins rapidly, but the van still doesn't move as mud gets thrown up. Instead, the burlap bags run under the wheel and are thrown in Bill's face. He groans. Now, maybe... Yeah, good plan. I'll do the driving and Bill's gonna take the... These are– I think they are, like, potato bags, burlap or something. One behind... I don't know why put one in front of... I go forward, don't I? Oh, well, anyway, it's his idea, and I'm gonna spin the wheels. Away we go, and... and they just took off! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, golly! Stephen King lives.
Later, Red opens the van door and climbs in. Bill then comes up, holding a shovel piled with straw. He stoops down by the stuck wheel and holds the shovel full of straw over it. He signals to Red to start the van. Red turns on the van and the wheels start spinning. Bill lowers the shovel onto the wheel, and it suddenly flies out of his hands and into the wall of a nearby building. Bill and Red watched what had happened. Bill shrugs. Then he's gonna try something else. He's got, uh, a bit of straw there on a shovel. He wants me to get the wheels turning. He's gonna put the straw in there, and that's gonna, y'know, I guess the wheel's gonna bite on the straw, but actually, it kinda bit on the shovel! Oh boy! Wow! Holy smoke! That could be a new Olympic event, eh, Bill?
Bill raises his index finger as he gets another idea. He walks around to the back of the van and starts pushing on it. The van wheels spin wildly. Bill then pulls back on the van with all his might. The van wheels spin some more as it suddenly budges ever so slightly. Bill pushes and pulls on the van with all his might. And now, another stroke of brilliance: he's gonna rock the van. He's gonna push it and I go forward, and then he pulls back and I pull back, and... you can feel it. We're getting somewhere! Yeah, yeah! She's coming, she's coming!
Suddenly, the Possum Van lurches forward, free of the mud hole. But as Bill was pushing on the van repeatedly, he accidentally rips the van doors off the back of the van. The doors fall in a pile on the ground as the van leaves. Bill tries to run after it, but stops after running a short distance. He turns to the camera and gives a thumbs-up and waves while smiling. Oh! Oh! Well, I can get longer stuff in the van now.

Harold's SegmentEdit

{The camera pans left to where Harold stands in front of a TV set in a room of the lodge. He has on his switcher. Harold's segment music plays briefly.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And now, for all you young kids who don't mind wasting time, here's Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Get ready, because here's the part of the show for anyone who's in school! Oh, wait a sec, I don't, y'know, mean anyone who's in school, like, right now, 'cause if you're in school right now, how're you watching this show? {laughs} Got ya, eh? Okay, so we should call it, for anyone who attends school, all righty? That's what... Okay, anyway, this week's segment is called...

{Harold whips out a piece of green construction paper, on which is displayed a phrase "Teachers Are People II".}

HAROLD GREEN: {dramatically} "Teachers Are People II"! {grins} Haw! Cool, huh? Okay, see how I made, like, the Roman numeral II? Très cool! Almost a metaphor; creates the suggestion of a sequel, implying previous success... {giggles; points to head} Always thinking! Okay, alright, the bottom line is respect, okay? And respect, my friendlies, is a two-way street, alright? You have to respect the teacher, and the teacher {points at camera} has to respect you! Only, you know, you've gotta go first. And the best way I've found to earn the respect is once a month, you {points to hand} wash, wax and vacuum their car. Now, this creates a spirit of cooperation, yes, although it may not necessarily increase your marks any. But, you know, okay, say, like, in math, you got, like, you know, a 43, okay? {looks anxious} And you just need those nine more marks to get that 55! Oh, so you're just begging and you're bleeding and everything, {the door behind Harold opens and Red comes in, walking up beside Harold} and the teacher says, "Well, I'll get back to you, won't I?" Right there, you see, that's better than a flat "no", like last time. {giggles} You know, you may have to wait a while, you know, up to a month, say, you know, for some kind of an iota of an idea that they're gonna get back to you, you know. Just say...

RED GREEN: Harold? {Harold looks toward Red} Your math teacher's on the phone.

HAROLD GREEN: {gyrating excitedly} Oh! Oh, this is so cool! 'Cause I only need nine more math marks!

{Giggling excitedly, Harold runs out of the room, carrying his switcher with him. Red watches him leave. But Harold doesn't know that the switcher is plugged in, and as he runs out, the cord stretches out taut. Off-screen, there is a crash. The whole time, Red watches.}

RED GREEN: Or nine more feet of cable.

Red's Advice To TeenagersEdit

{Red walks by some bleachers at the edge of the woods. He is wearing a yellow slicker.}

RED GREEN: I know you teenagers are mainly interested in one thing: sex and violence. So I think what the school should do is kinda stress the, say, the sex part of something like... uh, something like Shakespeare. You know, you got Hamlet there; he's always talking about his bare bodkin. And he says "Ophelia" right to his girlfriend. And how perverted would you have to be to be called King Lear? What about Othello? You got interracial sex and murder and suicide. And if you're really into the kinky stuff, you got "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" and "As You Like It". {starts to walk off} So I suggest you teenagers drop the rap music and the Madonna videos and take a look at this Shakespeare stuff. Just don't tell your parents.

Visit With Hap ShaughnessyEdit

{Hap is swabbing the deck of his houseboat, which is rigged to a dock. Red walks up to the houseboat, holding his letter in an envelope.}

RED GREEN: Hap, could you take this letter into town to mail for me? It's important.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Can't do it, Red. Can't accept bonded materials. I made a promise to the Witness Reallocation people. But if you like, I'll take you into town and you can mail it.

RED GREEN: {stepping onto houseboat} Alright, let's go.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: If you're really in a hurry, I can start it up without turning on the blower. That'll get you moving in a real big hurry. But I can't guarantee you'll be heading towards town.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, we'll do the blower thing, I'll untie her. {bends down to untie boat}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {stopping Red} Oh, no, no, no, wait! Hang on! {Red stands back up} There's only room for one captain on any ship, Red. I learned that on the Bismarck.

RED GREEN: All right. {saluting} Standing by to cast off, Captain.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Aren't you gonna ask me about the Bismarck?

RED GREEN: Not 'til after we get back.

{Red stares at Hap, who finally shrugs with resignation.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Cast off.

{Red bends down to untie the rope while Hap goes into the houseboat. Wipe to a later scene. The houseboat is floating along the lake, its motor humming. Red is sitting in a chair.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: What is it we're mailing today?

RED GREEN: An application form for a government grant form for the lodge.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, why didn't you tell me? My connections go all the way up, including Reagan.

RED GREEN: Well, Reagan's not president anymore, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, you just don't get it, do you, Red? They want you to believe he's not president, but I think I would know.

RED GREEN: {swaying his head in annoyance} Well, it wouldn't matter anyway, because this application is for the Canadian government.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {chuckles} Boy, are you naive. {pronounces it "knave"}

RED GREEN: Just get me to the post office, would you, please, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {sitting down in chair next to Red} It's a tough old job being president. All those press conferences and the summit talks and the assassinations. {Red puts his face in his hand, looking listless} I found it real hard to relax when I was in office.

RED GREEN: You were president, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {shrugs} Oh, just for a couple of weeks. Subbed in for Nixon so he could take the family to a Club Med.

RED GREEN: {getting up from chair} All right, Hap, that's close enough. I think I can swim from here. {walks to the edge of the houseboat and jumps into the water}

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Red enters the lodge, holding a yellow envelope.}

RED GREEN: Well, by golly, you're not gonna believe this, but, uh, we got our government check by return mail. They must be more disorganized than ever down there.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} This is excellent! That means we're gonna be stinking rich! Are we gonna be stinking rich, Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: Well, I don't know, Harold. I haven't opened it yet. Figured I'd save that for tonight's meeting.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow! This is exciting! It's history in the making! {giggles}

RED GREEN: {taking out Harold's report card} Well, let's just see if you're an authority on history. {looks at it} 38. {looks up} No, I don't believe that qualifies.

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out another report card} Well, everything is relative, isn't it, Uncle Red? Thirty-eight, of course, wouldn't bad considering some people got... {looks at report card, then laughs} twelve! {laughs again} A little in trouble in school there, was there, Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: Where'd you get that, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Grandma Green. She's got a whole stack of these. She's saving up for the Guinness people. {points to report card, giggling} I never met anybody who failed art class before! {looks at card again} Oh, oh, ohhhhh! {singsong giggling} Look at this! It's got your real name right at the top, right there. Oh! {Red looks nervous} I can see why you wanted to be called Red. That's way more better than this one. This explains the teacher's comments on why you got into so many fights. Oh, this is gonna be great at the Possum Meeting tonight. The guys are gonna love to find out that {loudly and dramatically} RED GREEN'S TRUE NAME IS–

RED GREEN: {interrupting, very much embarrassed} Harold! Harold!

HAROLD GREEN: Ohhh! Perhaps we can work out some kind of trade...

{Red and Harold each reach out to the other with their report cards. They reach out their arms, then pull back repeatedly until they each grab the other's report cards right out of their hands. Red puts his report card in his pocket while Harold examines his. Suddenly, the "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh! That's the cry of the Possum! I gotta get down there! {removes switcher} Hurry up, Uncle Red, and don't forget the check, okay? {runs down basement stairs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, all right, Harold. Well, uh... {opens up envelope} That's kind of our show for this time, so, uh... {looks into camera} if my wife is watching, I'll be coming home straight after the meeting, and, uh, I'll be bringing home a big wad of cash, so what do you say we go nuts, rent a movie, order in a pizza, and maybe you can tip the guy? Wealth means nothing without style. {to audience} And for the rest of you, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, thanks for watching and keep your stick on the ice.

{Red waves. He then opens up the envelope and takes out the check. But his expression suddenly turns sad as he looks at it and slowly heads for the basement door. Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Glen Brachston walks over to the front of the room, followed moments later by Red, walking slowly as he looks at the check. Bob Stuyvesant stands next to Harold, while next to Red are Hap and Glen. Red is looking away from the crowd, still looking at the check.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise.

{Everyone stands, but then nothing happens as Red continues to look at the check.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red?

{Red doesn't pay attention. Finally, the rest of the men put their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE EXCEPT RED: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati. {startled, Red turns around and faces crowd}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, sit down.

{Everyone sits back down, but Red remains standing. Harold gestures to try and get Red to show the check to the crowd. When Red still doesn't move, Bob taps Harold's arm as though Red is trying to show him something. Harold stands back up and examines the check closely.}

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