The complete transcript for Guinness World Records

Opening Scene Edit

{Red walks along in the snow, dressed in a jacket and snow boots and wearing skunk-pelt mittens.}

RED GREEN: Here's a way to get back at that darn snowplow driver. He always waits 'til you've shoveled out your whole driveway before he comes roaring down the street and fills you all back in. Well, no more.

{Red gestures to a structure in the snow consisting of two oil drums and a sheet of plywood lying flat on the snow. A rope is attached between one corner of the plywood and a loop at the end of a post sticking out of one of the drums. The other end of the rope is attached to the end of a wood plank, such that the plank is hanging diagonally from the rope onto the ground.}

RED GREEN: I call this the snow blocker. You get a barrel on each side of your driveway. You stick a post in one of the sides. Then you lay down a half a sheet of plywood on the road. Then you're gonna need about a... oh, about a ten-foot plank and a chunk of rope to tie the whole unit together.

{A snowplow approaches.}

RED GREEN: Oh, here comes the snowplow. Let's see this baby in action.

{The snowplow runs over the plank, forcing it down to the ground. The sheet of plywood flips up vertically against the oil drums, and the snowplow drives past. The plywood then falls back to the ground once the plow is gone. Red wipes his hands together with a satisfied expression.}

Intro Edit

{Red walks into the Lodge, holding a rolled-up newspaper, and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Appreciate it. Lot of excitement up at the Lodge this week. {holds up newspaper} According to the story in the local paper, the Possum Lake Daily Movement, you know who's coming to town? The Guinness people! Y'know, the Guinness World Book of Records there? They're all comin' here and seein' if anybody in the Possum Lake area can, uh, set a record, but in a good way for a change. 'Course, all the Possum Lodge members want to get into the book, you know? So I'm saying to them, "Take something that you do now and just expand it to world-class proportions." Like, Moose Thompson's trying to go the longest without eating a salad. So far, he's up to 47 years.

{Dalton and Winston enter the Lodge. Dalton is moving very slowly and carefully, wearing a toilet plunger on his head, on top of which he is balancing a plate. Winston is holding a record book in one hand and sipping from a coffee cup in the other.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: What do you think, Red? Ever seen anyone do this?

RED GREEN: Not sober.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Don't you be snarky, just 'cause you've never tried anything like this.

RED GREEN: Well, if I ever did, I'd probably go with a new plunger. {to Winston} What about you, Winston? Uh, you goin' for a world record or anything?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holding up the book} Oh, yeah, I plan on gettin' into this book, but in a much more subtle way.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, longest running good mood by anybody in the sewage business?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Nah. No, Red, I plan on drinking the most consecutive cups of coffee ever recorded in the history of coffee drinking. Yeah, I plan on consuming two cups an hour for sixteen hours a day, seven days a week.


WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yep. That's a staggering total of 224 cups of coffee in a row.

RED GREEN: Holy smoke. Y'know, it may not take you a whole week, 'cause after the third day, you won't have to stop for sleep!

{Winston nods.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: What about you, Red? Isn't there anything you can do to set a world record?

RED GREEN: {chuckling} Well, I could, but that's kind of... between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {glances at the record book} Oh, no, snoring's in here.

{Dalton and Winston turn to leave the Lodge.}

The Possum Lodge Word Game Edit

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! {walks over to a table where Red and Edgar Montrose are seated} Today, Edgar K.B. Montrose will be playing for this coupon, {holds up coupon} good for a week of old-fashioned fun at Camp Wedgie! {to Edgar} Okay, cover your ears now. {Edgar does nothing} Uh, Red, you've– Cover your– Cov– {waves dismissively} Forget about it. Red, you've got thirty seconds to get Edgar to say this word: {holds up the word sign} Game. Game.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {stepping back} And go!

RED GREEN: Uh, Edgar? Edgar! {Edgar looks over to Red and starts listening} This is something that's a whole lot of fun.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, blowing up abandoned motor homes.

RED GREEN: An expression: "The name of the..."

EDGAR MONTROSE: Arresting officer.

RED GREEN: This is something you do at parties.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, avoid eye contact.

RED GREEN: Sorry, sorry. This is something you play at parties.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Spin the grenade!

RED GREEN: Okay, you know, every year, we have the Possum Lodge picnic, and the mayor starts the competition by saying, "Let the somethings begin."


WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to his watch} Ten seconds, ten seconds!

RED GREEN: Edgar, what do hunters call birds and animals?

EDGAR MONTROSE: {dismissively} Entertainment!

RED GREEN: We're just not connecting here. Is it me or is it you?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Oh, it's not us, Red, it's this dumb game.

RED GREEN: Hey! {starts ringing the bell while Winston hands Edgar the coupon}

Harold at the Office Edit

{Harold is talking on the phone.}

HAROLD GREEN: {softly} Yes, I understand. Yes, it's all very hush-hush, I realize. {moves phone from one ear to the other} I know. I– all righty. What? Two o'clock is a good time. If I'm there, I'm there.

RED GREEN: {walking up behind Harold suddenly} What's goin' on, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {startled} What!? Nothing!

{Harold accidentally knocks his desk papers everywhere and drops the phone. He feverishly picks it back up.}

HAROLD GREEN: {on phone} Yes. Okay, bye, Dave. Joe! Joe! I said Joe! Yeah. No, you misheard me! {quickly hangs up and looks at Red} Hi, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Calling the C.I.A., Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {softly} No, no! That was an invitation to have lunch with a headhunter!

RED GREEN: {loudly} What the heck's a headhunter?

HAROLD GREEN: {covering Red's mouth} Would you–!? A headhunter is a person whose job it is to lure employees away from their company and go work at another company. {eagerly} I might get an offer to work at a rival company! {releases Red}

RED GREEN: Oh, man, Harold! If we got companies fighting over guys like you, we're in big trouble!

{Red picks up an empty rolling chair from an empty office cubicle next to Harold's, pulls it over beside Harold and sits down.}

HAROLD GREEN: {rolls his eyes} I'm not going to go. I love working here! They always make me feel so special. It's a wonderful place.

RED GREEN: Right...

P.A. SYSTEM: Attention, please, {everyone in the office except Red stands at attention} employees of Multicorp, Inc. and its subsidiaries.

{Harold motions for Red to stand. Red stands up, looking confused.}

MAN'S VOICE ON P.A.: Today, a cherished employee, {the voice suddenly changes} –KOLOMPAR, EMILE, G. {sound of a phone being hung up, and the P.A. voice changes back to normal}– is –RETIRING– after –25– {slight pause} years with the company. I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say to you, –KOLOMPAR, EMILE, G. {hang-up noise}– Thanks. That is all.

{The office workers return to their work. Harold looks flustered.}

HAROLD GREEN: You know, I might go talk to those headhunters just for a little while.

{Harold runs off and almost runs into a female coworker.}

Handyman Corner Edit

{Red walks along through an open field next to some woods. He holds some chains, some rope and some bungee cord.}

RED GREEN: You know, I'm trying to make the show a little more sensitive, so I thought I'd talk about romance. I know some of you guys are starting to squirm, thinking, "Uh-oh, where are we going with this?" Well, don't worry. I've come up with a project that will not only put zing in your love life, it'll hone your fishing skills all at the same time. We're gonna make a backyard swing! Nothing says romance like a backyard swing for two. Well, at least nothing on my show. {walks up to a beat-up, torn-up car seat, lying next to both a stout tree and a power pole} Okay, first thing you need is a back seat out of a '71 Ford Maverick. That should bring back a few romantic memories right there. All right, to that, you add a hunk of chain and a little handyman ingenuity. Okay, first of all, you want to hang the seat {looks up at pole, which has some high-tension wire on it} from somethin' solid. Like that high-tension wire up there. Yeah, that'll work good.

{Red drops the cord and rope and winds up to throw the chain onto the wire.}

RED GREEN: Then just horse the chain up there... {looks up, hesitating} Maybe I don't need that much zing in my love life.

{Red drops the chain and picks up the rope. Wipe to a later scene. The car seat is now hanging from the rope like a real swing. Red is behind the seat-swing, hammering a tall steel rod into the ground with a sledgehammer.}

RED GREEN: Now, the beauty of this swing is, we're not gonna have to push it back and forth. We're gonna be up there sittin' pretty, away from any of the land mines the dog might've left. Speakin' of the dog, {drops hammer} we're gonna need some way to power this unit. So what we're gonna do is... {holds up bungee cord which has been attached to the car seat} I've already hooked the bungee cord up to the bottom of the seat, {pulls the cord over to the rod} and I'll hook the other end to something firmly in the ground, like this stick. {attaches the cord to the rod behind the seat} All right, 'cause we want the thing to go to and fro, right? We've taken care of the fro. Now we gotta set up the to.

{Wipe to a later scene. Another rope has been tied to the front of the seat.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, to move the swing forward, we need a source of smooth forward power, and for that, you need another piece of rope and a pulley of some kind.

{Red follows the rope over to a car hubcap sticking out of the ground by another rod. Red attaches the rope to the hubcap.}

RED GREEN: Now, if you're lucky, you already have the rear end of an old car stickin' out of your lawn somewhere. That's the sign of a true handyman. Nothing says creativity like a lawn full of rusty car parts. Unfortunately, it also says "shaky marriage".

{Red tugs on the rope, which causes the hubcap to rotate, which, in turn, causes the swing, attached to the rope, to swing back and forth.}

RED GREEN: See how this works? No matter which way the rope is pulled, the swing moves forward smoothly. Now all we need to do, is to add power. {holds up a rolled-up rug taped together with duct tape to form a leg} I'm not talkin' horsepower, I'm talkin' dog power. The size of the dog is up to you, but Bernice and I have figured we need about 200 pounds of Rottweiler, 'cause I plan to do a fair bit of swingin'. {walks offscreen; a dog barks} Easy, boy, easy! Easy, easy! {dog growls} Let go of daddy's leg! Let go! Let go of the leg! {pause} There.

{The rope-and-pulley is activated by the rope being pulled. Red returns, the artificial leg now shredded.}

RED GREEN: All right, now I'm gonna demonstrate how the whole thing works. I'm just gonna let him stop foaming for a minute.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red is seated on the swing, holding a fishing rod with a chunk of steak attached to the hook.}

RED GREEN: Well, now we're all set for many a romantic evening with your wife, your dog, while you practice your casting for trout season. {holds fishing rod in a prone position} What could be more romantic than that? So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. 'Course, the trick is to snap the steak away from the dog before he gets it locked in his teeth.

{Red casts the fishing line with the steak on it. The dog is heard offscreen barking and then makes a chomping noise as the steak supposedly gets to it. The dog then tugs on the line and pulls on the rope, causing the swing to swing. Red is panicked.}

RED GREEN: Let go! Let go, boy! Easy, boy, easy! Let 'er go, let 'er go! Let 'er go!!

Red's Sage Advice Edit

RED GREEN: I wanna talk to all you older guys out there for a minute. You know the expression, "Don't get mad, get even"? Sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But actually, the difference between getting mad and getting even is about 25 years. I don't just mean in prison time. I mean in age, 'cause when you're young, you get mad at everything: school, your parents, your team, your car, everybody else's car. You're spending all your time getting mad; you've got no time to get even. Then when you get older, you got the time to get even, you haven't got the energy to get mad. So here's what I say you do: you older guys, you've had the time gettin' mad. Now you should focus on getting even. Now, as you get older, eh, maybe some young punk flips you the bird for driving too slow. You can get even by going 100 miles with your left turn signal on. Oh, yeah. Or you can get even by ignoring concepts like "Do Not Enter" or "First Come, First Serve". {softly, to himself, looking away from the camera} Yeah, boy, that day's coming, too, isn't it? The bunch of us, we're all up there in years, and we show up at the buffet at the same time with the walkers and the oxygen tanks and the I.V. things... {normal voice, back to the camera} That's another way to get even, your mind drift, you know? I'll tell you, if you get old enough, you get even just by being alive. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all getting even together.

Plot Segment 2 Edit

{Red enters the Lodge, holding the record book.}

RED GREEN: Trying to find some way of getting myself into this Guinness book of records without making any effort. I was hoping there's something I'm already doing that would qualify me. I was thinking, maybe, you know, "leader of the world's largest group of losers and wannabes", but I have to compete with all the political parties!

{Dalton enters the Lodge, still moving slowly and carefully, wearing the toilet plunger on his head, on top of which he is balancing the plate. Now, on top of the plate, he has added a bird's nest.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Any sign of the Guinness people, Red? Boy, my neck is killing me!

RED GREEN: {looking up at Dalton} Dalton, I think you've got a bird's nest up there!

DALTON HUMPHREY: I know. Can you tell me what kind of bird it is?

RED GREEN: I think it's a dodo bird. Oh, do you mean in the nest?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh... Well, we'll see who's laughing when my name's in the Guinness book of world records and you're just a guy in a plaid shirt.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, when that bird gets finished with you, you'll be begging me for this plaid shirt.

{Winston enters, holding the cup of coffee and moving rather quickly.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {speaking very rapidly} Well, I guess it won't be long now, eh? Won't be long now! Later on today, maybe early next tomorrow morning! Y'know, the Guinness people'll be here, right? Won't be long! {takes a sip of coffee}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shocked} How many cups of coffee have you had, Rainman?!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh! {pauses to think} Well, uh, forty... fifty-sev... Well, it's over sixty, anyway! It's all the same. Boy, I'll tell you, strong coffee! Y'know, it is! But it's very good! Tasty, very tasty. Yeah. You get used to it, though, you get used to it! {takes another sip}

RED GREEN: Y-You may want to cut back on the caffeine intake there, Winston. It's not worth wrecking your life just to get into the record book.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, no, no, no, I'm not wrecking my life at all! I'm not wrecking my life, Red. Gee, what do you think? Don't you worry your pretty little face about that. I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm helping my life. Because I'll tell you what, I'm getting a lot of things done! Sure, I've painted the house. Twice! Okay, first, I built the house, then I painted it!

{Mike steps into the Lodge doorway and stands in it. He's hitting himself on the head with a fish.}

MIKE HAMAR: C'mon, guys, the Guinness people are here! {counting the number of hits on his head} Two million, two million and one, two million and two, two million and three, two million and four...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {hurrying out the front door} I'm coming!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {heading towards the door} You comin', Red?

RED GREEN: No, you guys go ahead. I don't want them to think we're together.

MIKE HAMAR: {still hitting himself on the head} ...two million and nine, two million and ten, two million and eleven...

{Red turns towards the front door to follow them out.}

Talking Animals Edit

{Red and Ed are standing in the Lodge basement, next to something covered in a red cloth. Ed clearly looks ill at ease and stands several feet away from Red and the cloth.}

RED GREEN: Welcome to "Talking Animals". We're here with, uh, local animal control officer Ed Frid; brought in something here... {looks at cloth} ...kinda special. {to Ed} C'mon up here.

{Ed nervously steps up closer to Red.}

ED FRID: {stammering} Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, okay, what we have here underneath this cloth, is a cage. A strong cage. A really strong cage. And, uh, inside the cage is {voice squeaks} a weasel!

RED GREEN: Pardon me?

ED FRID: A weasel!

RED GREEN: Oh, great, a weasel! Okay, well, let's have a look at it.

ED FRID: {hands shaking} Okay, okay. Alright, I just gotta get the cloth off here.

{Ed removes the cloth shakily and nervously. There is a large cage underneath it, with a black weasel inside on a pile of straw. The weasel twitches.}

ED FRID: Whoa, whoa! {jumps back in panic and strokes the cloth like a security blanket}

RED GREEN: {looks closely at the twitching weasel} Settle down. Easy, easy. Settle down. Settle down, settle down. Take it easy. Easy, boy, easy, easy.

ED FRID: {pointing} I wouldn't get too close to him if I were you, Red!

RED GREEN: {waves Ed to come back} Oh, no, no, no, he's fine. C'mon, get him outta here, will ya? Let's have a look at him.

ED FRID: {walks back to the cage} Oh, I got some pictures of him. Would that be okay?

RED GREEN: No, that's not okay, we wanna have a look. {to audience} Don't we? Don't we wanna see what he looks like?

{The audience cheers wildly.}

ED FRID: {seriously} Okay. I think I can do this safely. {holds up a carrot} I'm just gonna offer him this tasty carrot, 'cause he's probably hungry.

RED GREEN: {pointing} Hey, look. He bit right through his food dish there.

ED FRID: Hmm? {looks at where Red is pointing} Oh, yeah. You see, there's a lot of, um, jaw pressure in a weasel. {opens the cage lid and laughs nervously} And, uh, they can bite right through a steel-toed boot! {seriously} I know that now.

RED GREEN: Uh, you know, uh, Ed, maybe we should just leave him in there, okay? {to audience} What do you say? Are you people insisting that you have to see this thing?

{The audience cheers again. Red shrugs.}

RED GREEN: Sorry, Ed. The people have spoken. I'm sorry.

ED FRID: {nervously} It's okay, it's okay, it's alright, 'cause, see, once the weasel gets his teeth into this carrot, his jaws will lock, see? And he'll hold on indefinitely.

RED GREEN: Oh, all right.

ED FRID: Okay, here we go.

{Ed reaches into the cage with both hands, one holding the carrot and the other moving to pick up the weasel.}

ED FRID: C'mon, little guy. Here we go.

RED GREEN: Looks hungry.

{Ed tries to grab the weasel. It chomps down on Ed's thumb and hangs on.}

ED FRID: {panicking} Oh, oh, oh, oh! He's got me! He's got my thumb!

{Ed pulls his hand, with weasel attached, from the cage, trying to shake it off.}

ED FRID: {holding up the weasel to the audience} There's your weasel! Are you happy?!

{Ed shakes his arm around, thrusting the weasel around the room, including in front of Red's face. He then flings it back into the cage and slams the lid down on his hand, screaming in pain. Finally, the weasel lets go and Ed withdraws his hand. The weasel settles down in the cage again.}

RED GREEN: {waves to the audience} Good night!

Adventures Edit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red, Mike and Dalton all stand around a tree stump with an electric lamp placed on it. Red takes out a slingshot and a projectile to use, then walks offscreen. Happiness is having a lamp that nobody wants. And then you can take it out in the back and smash her. Oh, man, I love that. Got the slingshot, you know. Now, I don't want to make it too easy; might get some fun out of it.
Mike and Dalton discuss something, then Mike picks up a wooden board. He starts to swing at the lamp, but Dalton stops him. Mike argues with Dalton for a moment and motions to take another swing, then follows Dalton in the same direction as Red. Now, Mike– Mike is a little more direct. He's done time and– No, Mike, no, no, no. See, that takes the fun out of it. Takes all the fun right out of it. C'mon, do it our way. C'mon.
Red pulls back on his slingshot, aiming at the lamp. Mike and Dalton walk in front of him. Dalton steps back and Mike ducks as Red fires at the lamp. The projectile lands several feet short of the lamp. He's fitting in well. Fellas, look out! Look out. Look out. Alright, there you go. I got a bead on this. Oh, man. Oh. Oh, alright, alright.
Red holds up his slingshot. Mike waves dismissively and holds up his wood board. Dalton stops him again. Okay, I need, maybe, a higher... uh, a higher– No, no, Mike! No, no, no, that takes the fun out, as I say.
Dalton pulls a much larger slingshot and a baseball out of his pocket, then hands the ends of the slingshot to Red and Mike. Dalton steps behind the two and puts the baseball into the center holster, while Red and Mike hold their ends up. Wow! What do you got there? Is that some sort of a surgical apparatus? Oh, no, oh, no, I see, I see. Okay, this is a super-duper slingshot. That's the biggest one I've ever seen. All right, so we become the forks. At least that's what I think he said.
Dalton pulls the slingshot back tight. Red's knees shake. Dalton releases the holster, catapulting the ball through the air. It lands short of the stump holding the lamp. And, uh, he's got a baseball. And, uh, let 'er rip! Oh, man, lookin' good! Oh, yeah, yeah! Oh, no. Ah, no.
The men drop the slingshot and Mike again picks up the board. Red points at the beam and Dalton shakes his head. Let's just go back. I got– I just gotta give it a little more juice and, uh– No, Mike, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
Cut to a later scene. Red is shooting more projectiles at the lamp with his slingshot, and Dalton is throwing baseballs at it. Each shot lands short of the lamp. All right, just gotta give it... Y'know what? I think a lot of it is the angle. Get a little more loft on her there. Oh, boy. Oh, so close. You know, we can move the lamp closer. Maybe that would work. Yes.
Mike walks up holding several deflated inner tubes. He points to the Possum Van, which has had all of its tires removed. Oh, Mike's got– What do you got? Oh, inner tubes! Inner tubes. Where'd you get those, Mike? Oh!
Mike digs out a bowling ball from amongst the tubes and holds it up proudly. All right. Uh, a ten-pin bowling ball and...
Cut to a later scene. The men have duct-taped the inner tubes to two trees, creating an enormous slingshot. A sports bag has been duct-taped to the center of the slingshot to act as the holster. Oh, I see. We're gonna make a super-duper, world-class, nuclear slingshot. Inner tubes and a bowl– I got a sports bag there. That's the little holster.
The men grab a hold of the giant slingshot and pick up the bag. Mike puts the ball into the bag. They then start pulling back mightily. The bowling ball falls out of the bag onto the ground. Mike steps inside the slingshot and picks up the ball, then turns to Red and Dalton. So you just pull her back, drop the bowling ball into the sports bag and yank her back. Oh, by golly! {chuckles} That lamp doesn't have a chance, eh? Hey! Okay, okay. Mike, Mike, careful. Mike, careful.
Red and Dalton release their grip on the slingshot. Mike is launched into the air, still holding the bowling ball, and lands in a tree. Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhh, man! Oh, boy!
Red and Dalton hurry over to the tree. They jump out of the way as the ball falls beside them. Red looks up the tree, then hits it with Mike's board. Mike falls out of the tree and lands next to Red and Dalton, then stands back up looking dazed. Look out, Dalton, here comes the ball! Here's the ball! Okay, okay, I figured I'll use the board, hit the tree and that'll get Mike down. Here he comes! There he is. Yeah, Mike, the board did come in handy. Yeah, yeah.
Mike gets angry and snatches the board out of Red's hands, making threatening motions toward him. He then throws the board behind him. The board flies through the air and hits the lamp, smashing it to pieces. The men then all cheer and congratulate each other. You're all right. You're fine. No, don't take it out on the– Now, c'mon, Mike! C'mon, c'mon. Oh! He was right!

Famous People In Possum Lake History Edit

{Red enters the room.}

RED GREEN: He was an oddball, that's for sure. He was even an oddball around here, and that's a challenge. Never knew his real name. We called him Brainy. Don't know why; it sure didn't suit him.

{Cut to a photograph of someone riding a tractor.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} As a kid, Brainy was kinda shy. He liked to hide behind tractors.

{Cut to another photograph of various bare-chested men.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} He got involved in sports, usually as a projectile in a game they called "Let's Toss Brainy".

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: Then, at the age of fourteen, Brainy Clogfield shocked the whole Possum Lake community when he ran off to join the circus.

{Cut to Hap Shaughnessy on his boat.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: But I thought circus life would be too rough for Brainy. I'd been a featured performer with Ringling Brothers. I would swallow a sword upside-down, while traversing the high wire, doing a headstand on a unicycle seat. Hardly anybody was doing that back then. I was also courting the bearded lady, but on our third date, she had a very upsetting surprise for me. So I broke it off. I never thought in my wildest dreams that Brainy could survive that environment.

{Cut to a photograph of a clown with three legs.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {voiceover} So when he turned out to be Slappo the Three-Legged Clown, nobody could believe it!

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: When Brainy realized that being a freak was a brilliant career move, it was a turning point in his life.

{Cut to a photograph of a mansion.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Pretty soon, he bought the old Strain Mansion and turned it into a museum of bizarre items that he'd collected during his travels as a circus clown.

{Cut to a photograph of two women and a shocked man.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Brainy fell out of public favor when he went just a little bit too far.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: He made a display, which is all about the human reproduction system. He made it out of 700 pounds of cheddar cheese and the hydraulics off a front-end loader.

{Cut to Ranger Gord in his watchtower. He is laying on the floor in a sleeping bag and holding a teddy bear.}

RANGER GORD: You know, if it wasn't for Brainy Clogfield, I probably wouldn't be here. I remember my parents went to his exhibit on human reproduction, and boy, the penny must've dropped because that was the night that I was conceived. That, and my dad bought a front-end loader.

{Gord gets out of the sleeping bag. Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: There was a huge public outcry complaining about the exhibit. They said it was vulgar and obscene and it was killing local cheese sales.

{Cut to a photograph of a leg on a chair.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Then one night, Brainy disappeared. Not even a note. Just his third leg lying on a chair.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: Nobody ever saw Brainy after that. The police had nothing to go on. People had been staring at his third leg for so long, they forgot what his face looked like. The A.P.B. described him as a two-legged clown who cheats people, and there were just too many suspects.

Plot Segment 3 Edit

{Red enters the Lodge, holding the newspaper from earlier.}

RED GREEN: Well, this story in the paper has the level of accuracy we've become accustomed to around here. Yeah, the Guinness people were here, but not the book of records people. The beer people! {shakes his head} They were actually thinking about puttin' a brewery in the area, but when they saw the bunch of us standin' on one leg, jugglin' hammers, they figured maybe adding beer to this community is not such a great idea.

{Dalton enters the Lodge, still moving slowly and carefully, wearing the toilet plunger on his head, on top of which he is balancing the plate and the bird's nest.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, boy, thanks for making the bunch of us look like a bunch of total idiots, Red! Did you have to tell them we were the local Chamber of Commerce?

RED GREEN: {shrugs} I thought they'd give us a free case of beer.

{Dalton takes the plunger off his head. Winston enters the Lodge excitedly. He has dark circles around his eyes.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {speaking extremely quickly} What a great day! Isn't it a fantastic day? Holy cow, do I feel great! Anyone wanna go running to Port Asbestos and back three or four times? Hmm? Who's up for it?

RED GREEN: I hope you stopped drinking coffee, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Ooh, done. Verboten, not a drop. I figure, 167 cups, that's plenty. Maybe a little bit too much.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, meeting! The meeting sound! Everybody loves a meeting, don't they?!


WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Whoa-ho-ho! {runs toward the stairs, then stops at the stuffed bear on the way} Hey, Mr. Bear! {runs down the stairs with Dalton following behind}

RED GREEN: If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I didn't get into the book of records. I guess that means I'm just an average guy, which is, uh, kind of a sad commentary on the state of average guys these days. {chuckles} And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Dalton, Mike and Winston are standing at the front of the meeting. The men are taking their seats as Red comes down the stairs.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Everybody, everybody sit down. C'mon, take your seat. Sit down! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit down, sit down. Sit down!

{The men all sit down as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting, between Dalton and Winston.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, everybody rise!

{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {rapidly} Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati!

EVERYONE ELSE: {in usual monotone} Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everybody sits} All right, would you bow your heads for the Man's Prayer? {everybody lowers their heads}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {rapidly} I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess!

EVERYONE ELSE: {in usual monotone} I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to...

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: ...if I have to, I guess!

EVERYONE ELSE: ...I guess.

RED GREEN: {to Winston} Boy, I hope your girlfriend's out of town.

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