The complete transcript for Lady In Red

Opening SceneEdit

{Red is digging a hole in the middle of a road with a pickax.}

RED GREEN: You know, if you need new hubcaps, just dig a hole. Of course, what's important is where you dig it.

{Suddenly, Red runs over to the side of the road and ducks down. A car comes down the road and runs over the newly-dug hole. One of the car's hubcaps pops off the wheel and rolls across the road.}

RED GREEN: {getting back up} That's a good one! I got a couple that match.

{Red runs after the hubcap, which rolls toward a pile of other hubcaps on the other side of the road. A few big tires also lie in the pile. Red stoops down beside the new hubcap and holds it up to the camera, smiling. Suddenly, another car goes past and also runs over the hole, causing another hubcap to roll towards Red, who takes this hubcap and holds it up to the camera.}


{Red enters the lodge with his head lying on his left shoulder. He waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. {waves down the cheering} Thank you. Appreciate it. Uh, you know, somebody left {gestures behind him with right thumb} a big load of steel drainpipes up by the main road there, and... Uh, probably the Department of Highways or whatever. {moves hand around} They were just lying there, y'know. {makes circling motion with hand} Just a flimsy little chain locked around them there, y'know. {shakes head} It's a shame to see 'em just– just sittin' there, you know? They're heavy, but {makes lifting motion with left hand toward shoulder} if you get 'em up onto your shoulder... {pretends to carry something on his shoulder} you know, you can actually... you can actually carry 'em. I took a couple dozen, and, uh... {gestures behind him} Mike and Dalton pretty much cleaned the place right out.

{Dalton then enters the lodge, similar to Red, with his head on his shoulder. In this case, it's his right shoulder.}

RED GREEN: Oh, uh... {Dalton waves to Red} Hey, Dalton. How's the neck?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {slightly pained} Oh, it's pretty sore, y'know. {holds up hand} Oh, a little stiff.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Didn't realize you were left-handed.



DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. {groans as he touches his back} Boy, that is sore! You know, I had to sleep on the floor last night. Anne-Marie wasn't even home. {groans again}

RED GREEN: Oh. {chuckles}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Boy, I tell ya, though. That little Mike's gonna be hurting today, huh?

RED GREEN: Oh boy, oh boy! I bet he's curled up like a strip of bacon.

{Red laughs, but it hurts his neck. He clutches at his neck in pain and groans. Then Mike walks into the lodge, upright with no apparent problems to his person.}

MIKE HAMAR: Hi, guys! What's up? {seeing Red and Dalton in pain} Double lynching? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Geeze, Mike! {pointing at Mike} How come you're not all bent out of shape?

MIKE HAMAR: {holds up index finger} 'Cause I take good care of myself. {crosses arms} Do you know that Possum Lake has a new chiropractor, and I was her first customer?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {surprised} Her?

MIKE HAMAR: {smiles} Oh yeah! Oh my yeah! {giggles} You guys should go down and see her! She did things to my body that are barely legal! {nods}


RED GREEN: It's the word "barely" that scares me.

MIKE HAMAR: {shakes head} I said I'd find her some new customers. You guys in or out?

RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} Oh, no, I'm out. {looks away}

DALTON HUMPHREY: My back is, so I'm in.

MIKE HAMAR: Good man! Let's go! {Mike and Dalton turn and head for the front door; Mike then stops and looks at Red} Hey, it's not too late to change your mind, Mr. Green.

RED GREEN: No, no, you guys go ahead. I'm fine.

MIKE HAMAR: {looking at Red} Yeah, you look fine.

{Red waves dismissively as Mike and Dalton leave the lodge.}

Segue: Red GreenEdit

{Red continues to rummage through his pile of hubcaps. Suddenly, a policeman walks up behind him. Red sees him and looks around in the pile for a hubcap. He picks one up and shows it to the policeman, who nods and takes it, then walks off. Red then continues to rummage through the pile.}

Visit With Dalton HumphreyEdit

{Red and Dalton pull up to Dalton's house in the Possum Van. Ed is in the back seat.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Got my movies there, Ed?

ED FRID: Oh, yeah, I got 'em right here. {feels around himself and pulls out two videotapes}

RED GREEN: Boy, if that works, I've wasted a fortune on a VCR. {he and Dalton both laugh}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You think Anne-Murray's gonna notice I didn't get any movies that she wanted?

RED GREEN: {suddenly concerned} Well, what movies did she ask for?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {somewhat disgusted} Well, she asked for Steel Magnolias and Beaches.

RED GREEN: And what movies did you get?

ED FRID: {holding up both tapes proudly} Scarface and The Terminator.

RED GREEN: I think when Al Pacino fires up the chainsaw, she might twig onto it. {Ed nods}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You guys are gonna have to help me here.

ED FRID: Well, you could tell her that the video store was all out. It's possible; there's a lot of other women in the area, eh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, well, what if she phones the video store and finds out that all thirty copies of both movies are still there?

RED GREEN: She can't phone the video store.


RED GREEN: Because on your way into the house, you're gonna cut the phone line.

ED FRID: {delighted by the idea} And the cable! {Red nods eagerly} You cut the cable, {holds up tapes} and you walk in with tonight's only entertainment right in your hand! {Dalton excitedly takes the tapes} That's big points, buddy!

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's foolproof, that's foolproof!

RED GREEN: {laughs} Well, it– it's fool-something!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {opening the van door and getting out, holding the tapes} All right, see ya, guys!


DALTON HUMPHREY: Thanks for the tip.

RED GREEN: Alright.

{Dalton closes the door. Red and Ed wave to Dalton as he walks into the house, passing in front of the van as he does and giving Red and Ed a thumbs-up.}

ED FRID: Okay. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah.

ED FRID: {suddenly becomes nervous} He's a dead man.

RED GREEN: Yeah, a dead man with no phone or cable.

Harold at the OfficeEdit

{The camera pans through the office, before reaching Harold's desk. Here, Red stretches out on Harold's chair and uses the back of the chair to scratch his back. He then sits up in the chair and turns it towards Harold's computer. The monitor has displayed on it Microsoft Excel, the file of which is an account spreadsheet. Red pushes the down button on the keyboard, bringing the spreadsheet down to the bottom. He then pushes a button nearby. Suddenly, the application turns off with a loud powering-down sound, while the tune of "Taps" is heard. Suddenly, Harold walks by from a distance, holding a cup of coffee. Red notices and frantically pushes a few keys down on the keyboard and then turns the monitor away from the front of the desk. He then looks away, trying to act natural. Harold walks towards his desk and is surprised to see Red sitting there.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: {jumping out of the chair, startled} Harold! I– I didn't see you there! {offers Harold the chair} Sit down. Sit down.

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, this is a surprise!

RED GREEN: Well, yeah. You know, Harold, life is full of surprises. {Harold looks around at his desk} Actually, you'll find that out very, very soon. {pause} I gotta go! {starts to walk off}

HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat suspicious} Were you checking out my workstation?

RED GREEN: {shaking head slowly, hesitantly} Umm...

HAROLD GREEN: My– My– {throws up arms} My chair! Did you touch my chair?

RED GREEN: {somewhat embarrassed} Well, I– I– I may have. Sorry.

HAROLD GREEN: {turning sharply to Red} Sorry?!


HAROLD GREEN: {throws up arms again} Sorry! You completely lost the settings of my ergonomically-correct workstation! Sorry?

RED GREEN: Yeah. {Harold adjusts the level of his chair; somewhat frustrated} Harold, relax! It's a swivel chair, for crying out loud!

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated, holds up one hand} Well, I–

RED GREEN: Take it easy!

HAROLD GREEN: {calmer; still holding out arms} I know! Yes, you're right. {adjusts glasses} I'm under a lot of pressure lately. This account I'm working on...

{Harold repositions his monitor. Red, however, grabs it and moves it back.}

RED GREEN: Harold, now, that– that– that can wait a little while. Give me a ten-minute head start, that'd be great. {starts to leave}

HAROLD GREEN: Hold it a sec! {Red stops; motions toward monitor} I wanna show what I got to work with. {adjusts computer monitor} I got twenty years of their files in here, and I'm almost done. If I lost them, I do not know what I would do. I'd just... {presses some keys, holds up index finger} Just hold on. I wanna show you 'cause it's neat. {presses some more keys, but nothing happens} Where is it? {presses some more keys, but still nothing happens; frustrated} Where'd it go?!

RED GREEN: {somewhat anxious} I gotta check if the car's locked!

{Red starts to run off, when suddenly, they hear the powering-down sound and the "Taps" tune again.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red! {Red stops in his tracks} You ever heard this before?

RED GREEN: {listening, then looking up} No, I... No.

HAROLD GREEN: No? Never heard it before? {Red shakes his head} It's too bad. My screensaver comes on every time I leave my computer on. {laughs and points at Red} I got you!

RED GREEN: {also laughing} You knew all along, didn't you?

HAROLD GREEN: {waving dismissively} Oh yeah!

{Red walks over to Harold's desk and leans over across it. He pulls the computer plug out of a power strip on Harold's desk. The computer goes black as it powers down. He then turns to Harold, still laughing.}

RED GREEN: {pointing at Harold} I got you, babe! {walks off}

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red walks along, holding a huge sack of flour in one hand and a bucket of water in the other.}

RED GREEN: You know, I really try to stay away from current trends and fads, and I have been ever since I wore that Nehru jacket to my grade-eight dance. But you gotta give in once in a while or people will think you're behind the times, you know. Like, right now, my wife, Bernice, she wants one of those automatic bread-making machines. I'm saying, "Hey, let's see if this handyman can make our own," eh? {walks up to a washing machine} Make it out of something we already have, something we use only once a week, like maybe an automatic washing machine. {sets sack and bucket down; gestures toward washing machine} It's watertight, {walks behind machine} it has time cycles, it's even got an agitator, so like most of us, it "needs" the dough. {chuckles} Y'know, I'll recycle anything. Okay, what you have to do, too, is, you gotta change some of the wording on the control panel. {picks up Black Magic Marker} Like, where it says "heavy duty", that'll be "whole wheat". "Delicate", you switch that to "pastry". And "regular"... {looks up in thought; shrugs} leave that as "regular", I guess. {looks at panel again} And then, over here, where you got "size of load", you wanna change that "D" to an "F", {uses pen to replace "D" in "load" with "F", so it now reads "loaf"} and it's "size of loaf", eh? {lifts up lid} And you can add, y'know, different ingredients in here, so you got all your specialty breads. Like, you could put malt in there, you can have malt bread. A couple of shots of rye, you got rye bread. Hey, it's a washing machine; throw some shorts in there, you got shortbread! {wipes hands together} All right, that's about it, except– except for the heat. {walks over to a pile of toasters on another table} You're gonna need some kind of a source of heat on that, so... {picks up a toaster} I would suggest you take the heating element out of an extra toaster. You got no extra toasters lying around your house? Get married! {looks into toaster} The elements should pop right out of this.

{Red looks very closely at the toaster. He then sets the toaster down and pushes up on the toaster button on the side. Two black, burnt pieces of toast pop up. Red takes them and looks at them closely. He sniffs them and then tosses them aside. Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins. First, Red struggles to pull out some wiring from the toaster with a pair of needle-nose pliers. He then slams the toaster down on the table repeatedly. Next, he slams the toaster down on the ground, using his pliers. Then, holding the toaster by its electrical cord, he swings the toaster around and continues to slam it down on the table. Finally, Red has removed the toaster elements and duct-taped them underneath the lid of the washing machine.}

RED GREEN: All right, let's make bread!

{The montage continues. Red picks up the bucket of water and pours it into the washing machine. Next, he takes a brick trowel and uses it scoops up a heap of shortening and dump into the washing machine. He then pours some yeast into the machine, followed by a big handful of baking soda, some of which Red pours into his hand before he drops it in. He then dumps the huge sack of flour into the machine, shaking the sack around as he does so. Flour dust wafts out of the machine as this happens. As Red shakes the sack, some flour falls out on the machine and lands on the ground. Next, all covered in flour, Red takes a huge measuring cup full of brown sugar and pours a small bit of it into the washing machine. He puts the cup aside and closes the lid of the machine. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera and sets the timer. The machine starts humming. It then starts shaking as the spin cycle starts up. Then it stops shaking and then stops humming in that order. A moment later, the lid pops open as the newly-made bread dough rises. A little while later, the toaster elements have turned red and dark as smoke spews out of the washing machine. A timer is heard dinging. The bread has been fully baked nicely. The montage finally ends.}

RED GREEN: Okay, she's all done.

{Red runs up and touches the lid, several times very lightly and several times pulling back because it is so hot. He finally pushes the lid back fully. He rubs his hands together.}

RED GREEN: Man! Smells great, doesn't it?

{Red reaches out to touch the bread, but again pulls his hands back to avoid getting burned. Wipe to a later scene. Red brings out the huge loaf of bread, the size of the washing machine inside, and sets it on the worktable.}

RED GREEN: Is that a beautiful thing or what? {chuckles; points to washing machine} And to clean out the machine, just run a load of work socks through there. {bends down and picks up a chainsaw} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {looks offscreen} Who wants a sandwich? {starts up chainsaw and brings down on side of bread}

Visit With Ranger GordEdit

{Ranger Gord is examining an octagonal shape made out of cardboard as he hears the sound of footsteps mounting the steps of his watchtower.}

RANGER GORD: Halt! Who goes there? What's the password, mister?

RED GREEN: {climbing up into the tower} It's me, Gord. {walks over to Gord}

RANGER GORD: Oh, Red Green. Please, come in, have a seat. I'll be with you in a minute. {Red sits down; Gord clears his throat and continues to examine the octagonal shape}

RED GREEN: I could come back.

RANGER GORD: {looking toward Red briefly} Won't take long. {Red nods}

RED GREEN: What you looking at Gord, the results of some psychological tests?

RANGER GORD: {looking up again} No, Red. This is a sign that I've been working on, and I wouldn't mind if you proofread it for me.

{Gord shows Red the octagonal shape. It's a crude-looking stop sign, with the word "STOP" written on it in big letters, with a black border around the edges. Red looks at the sign.}

RED GREEN: Well, if you're– you're going for "Stop", you're right on the money.

RANGER GORD: Perfect. {looks at sign again}

RED GREEN: {pointing outside the tower} Putting traffic signs in the woods, Gord?

RANGER GORD: That's right, Red. I've been watching the animals out there, and it's chaos. They can never decide who has the right-of-way. It usually goes by size, but that's just not fair.

RED GREEN: I think maybe that's what Mother Nature intended.

RANGER GORD: That's what Mother Nature intended all right, but she's out of her mind.

RED GREEN: {wrings hands together; somewhat embarrassed} Gord, you think maybe it's time for you to be with people for a little while?

RANGER GORD: No. No, Red, my job is too important here. It's up to me to make sure that all the animals of the forest obey the traffic laws of this great country of ours.

RED GREEN: {pointing out of the tower} I thought your job was to watch for forest fires.

RANGER GORD: {suddenly getting up} Holy cow, that's right!

{Gord runs toward a window of the tower. He looks out of the tower through a pair of binoculars he has with him.}

RED GREEN: You know, I should probably go. I'm double-parked. You know what pigeons are like.

{Suddenly, they hear the sound of knocking. Gord is startled by the noise.}

RANGER GORD: Holy Hannah, a head-on collision, Red! {looks toward Red and points out of tower} Two bucks coming toward each other, {clenches both hands into fists and brings them together} and BANG! Head-on! {holds up index finger} The bigger one was in the wrong lane. {points out of tower again} It was clearly marked, mister! {looks toward Red and puts down binoculars} Red, I have a big favor to ask of you. {picks up a pad of paper and pencil}

RED GREEN: Gord, you know I'm happily married, eh?

RANGER GORD: No, no, no, no. {writes in pad} No, Red, I'd like you, if you would, to put this traffic ticket on his antler on your way down.

{Gord finishes writing in his pad and then tears the "ticket" off. He hands the "ticket" to Red, who takes it.}

RED GREEN: {getting up from seat, holding "ticket"} No problem. Okay, okay.

RANGER GORD: Thanks, Red.

{Red hurries to the trap door in the floor and runs down through it. Gord continues to look out of the tower through his binoculars.}

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red enters the lodge with his head still lying on the shoulder.}

RED GREEN: {winded, gasping for breath} Well, we got all those steel pipes installed to drain the parking lot. {groans} Not that we get that much rain, but we get a fair amount of runoff from the lodge vehicles. {scratches forehead} And from the members themselves, actually. {rubs back} Boy, I really– I really wrecked my back, 'cause I had to do the whole thing myself. {points to his right} Mike's the only who can stand up straight, {the door opens and Dalton runs in, no longer in pain and looking ecstatic} and he was busy taking Dalton to the chiropractor.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Hey, Red, I think I'm feeling better! {does a disco dance; Red groans} Yes! I am feeling better! {laughs}

RED GREEN: You seem pretty chipper.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I am chipper!

RED GREEN: Very annoying.

DALTON HUMPHREY: It is, isn't it?


DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. You know, Red, you have to try this chiropractor thing, 'cause Angela is the best!

RED GREEN: Angela? Not Dr. Angela?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Not to me, no sir, now that she knows me oh so well. {chuckles} Red, it is fantastic!

RED GREEN: Was alcohol involved in this miracle, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {waves dismissively} No sir, just the healing hands of the most beautiful, statuesque redhead you ever laid eyes or {slight pause} anything else on. {holds hands out in front of him} You go in there. She's got the lights turned down nice and low. Soft music playing. And then, Red... {pretends to break something in his hands} she cracks your bones!

RED GREEN: No kidding!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {makes rubbing motion with hand} Oh yeah, she puts oil all over you and {makes massaging motions} starts massaging your muscles.

RED GREEN: Wow! And what are you wearing all this is going on?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {smiling} A really big smile!

RED GREEN: Oh man!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {suddenly looking flustered; holds up hands} No, hey! Now, there's nothing wrong with this! This is medical treatment! I mean, look at me, huh? {dances exaggeratedly}

RED GREEN: Stop, stop, stop!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {stops dancing} What?

RED GREEN: Stop doing that!

DALTON HUMPHREY: C'mon, we gotta get you down there and get you fixed up! I'll take you down there and make sure everything goes okay, all right?

RED GREEN: Well, I guess I could give it a try. {slowly turns toward front door}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Here we go. {takes Red by the arm}


DALTON HUMPHREY: {walking with Red to front door} We'll go around by way of the church.

RED GREEN: How would we do that?

DALTON HUMPHREY: That's where you can ring the bell! {laughs while pretending to pull on a bell rope}

RED GREEN: I'd wring your neck if I can get a hold of it. {Dalton runs toward front door and opens it} Slow down, slow down!


Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red, Winston and a new guy, Walter, stand around in an open field outside the lodge. Winston repeatedly flips a hammer end over end in his hand. Winston then throws his hammer up in the air. Shocked, Red, Winston and Walter look up at it and run off as the hammer falls back down on the ground. Waiting for Dalton to show up, and Winston's just fooling around with his hammer there, and... No, Winston, no! So....
Dalton then drives up in a pickup truck, which is full of lumber and other objects, including a patio umbrella and a barbecue. Dalton gets out of the truck. He picks up the hammer on the ground, looks at it, then tosses it aside. The men all crowd around the back of the truck to unload it. Anyway, Dalton, uh, come in with the lumber, and, uh... Oh, that's a pretty nice truck he got there. But in the truck, too, he also had... Don't worry about that hammer. Sorry, sorry, sorry. He also had a barbecue he took out. Odd. What we're gonna try and make is one of those playthings for kids that come up to the lodge.
Later, Red stands behind the truck pulling out a handful of long lumber, which he then walks off with. The lumber drags along the bed of the truck. The rest of the lumber is untouched. Red then walks up to the lumber still in the truck and looks around. He sees Dalton, Winston and Walter relaxing. Walter is cooking food on the barbecue. Dalton is sitting in a lawn chair under the patio umbrella with his feet on a cooler. Winston sits on another cooler, drinking something. An annoyed Red waves them over. They scramble from their spots and join Red. Something for them to swing on and everything and... So I took the first load. I figured the guys would be– guys would be right, uh, right behind me with the rest of the– rest of the– Where are the... Oh! Get over here! We have a lot of– Come on, you guys, we have work to do here!
Red takes a handful of lumber from the truck. Winston and Walter then run up. Winston grabs one piece of wood and tries to hold it up awkwardly as Walter tries to grab several other pieces of wood in his arms. Winston walks off. Walter tries to hold all of his wood in his arms at once. Dalton then comes trying to grab a hold of the end of Walter's wood. Walter then takes out a tiny piece of the wood and walks off with it, leaving Dalton trying to hold his pile up. So anyway, we bought all the lumber. It was laid out. And they got these great kits now. They tell you exactly what to buy and so many pieces of this, pieces of that... Grab the– Get outta there, Winston. Boy, that– that's young Walter right there. He's new at the lodge. Look at him, pitching in. He does everything he can to help people. There you go.
Later, Red and the others stand around over the pile of wood. Walter is leaning on one piece of wood sticking out of the ground. Red gets out the blueprints from his pocket and opens them up. Suddenly, meanwhile, the wood that Walter is leaning on starts sinking into the ground, because it's a sinkhole. Walter, however, does not realize this. Dalton notices Walter sinking and runs over to him and grabs his right arm and pulls him away. Red and Winston both grab Walter's left arm and pull him away from the sinkhole. And, uh... So we added up the– Now, the– Walter, there's a sinkhole there! Walter! Sinkhole! Sinkhole there! Easy! Easy there, easy! Anyway– Get him up, get him up, get him up! You gotta be careful where you step at the lodge, 'cause we've been here a while.
Red opens up his plans again and examines them. However, there are no words on it, just visuals on where to put the wood, all numbered but no listing. Red and the others sway their heads slowly left and right, trying to make out what the instructions say. They look at each other. After a beat, Red crumples up the plans and throws them on the ground. And, uh, we got the instructions. I don't know who writes these– How do you... Maybe, uh... Gosh, um... Um... Nope, I got a better idea. Yeah.
Later, the guys are all hard at work on the wood. Red is hammering one piece of wood across another like a T. Dalton is kneeling on the ground, drilling a hole into another piece of wood. Winston has laid another piece of wood along a sawhorse and is about to saw it. Walter has a piece of wood of his own placed on his own sawhorse and is trying to measure it using a tape measure. But he is standing over the sinkhole while doing it, and suddenly, he and his table start sinking into the ground again. Still, he does not notice. He just keeps trying to measure his wood. Alright, so we all get busy, and, uh... Wal– Walter, you're standing in the– Walter, you're standing in the sink– Walter? Do you not notice that, Walter? It's...
Still later, Red has placed a round piece of wood straight up above the ground. Winston holds a sledgehammer. He raises it backwards suddenly to strike it, but suddenly hits something behind him. After a beat, Dalton, who had been standing behind Winston, falls down on his knees, having been hit on the head and knocked out. Red and Winston watch as Dalton falls, then Winston shrugs and again raises his hammer to strike at the wood held by Red. He doesn't notice the world. Now, here's something for you young kids. You be careful, 'cause you young kids...
Later still, the guys appears to have finished the swing set. Dalton has his head bandaged up from the blow he had received from Winston as he finishes hammering a nail into the wood. The swing set, however, doesn't look finished. It looks rather awkward with the swings not where they should be. The guys all look at it closely, trying to figure out what went wrong, swaying their heads left and right as they do so. Suddenly, Red brightens up as he gets an idea. He runs off. It happens. So anyways... So we got her all built, and you know, it just didn't look like anything the kids would have any kind fun on to me. It's just... I mean, I guess it's... sort of right, and, uh... No, I got it! This is where it dawned on me. I know what we're doing wrong.
Meanwhile, Walter had fully sunk into the sinkhole. Red crawls up to the sinkhole on his hands and knees. Walter pops his head out of the hole and looks around. Red waves him over. I go over... Young Walter is still measuring that board. Come on outta there, Walter. Come on out. No, we're not putting in the basement. Now come on.
Dalton and Winston continue to look over the swing set as Red runs up, waving Walter over. He stoops down and grabs one corner of the swing set. The rest each grab other corners of the swing set and struggle to lift it up. Now, if we can all just come and pitch in... this is where it's good to have friends. We just wanna pitch in. Everybody, grab a corner. Pick her up. Pick her up, guys, we're gonna take her over there.
Later, the guys are all struggling to carry the swing set across the yard. They carry it over towards the sinkhole, Red holding up one end of the set, while Winston and Dalton each hold the other end. Walter, meanwhile, runs underneath the swing set to the other side while feeling his way along the floor of the set to keep holding it. They set the swing set straight in place over the sinkhole, then back away. We're gonna take her, walk her... Set 'er down, set 'er down. Flip 'er up, flip 'er up. Oh man, I got the heavy end. C'mon, set her down, set her down. Drop her down, right over– right over in the... Careful. Don't stay in there long, Walter. At least you know why, don't you? You know where we're setting it, huh? You know where we're setting it. Right on the ol'... well, you know. You know. Don't get ahead of me. We're setting right down on the old sinkhole, and let...
Slowly, the swing set sinks into the sinkhole, until the floor of the set covers the hole. The foundations of the set hit the bottom of the sinkhole with a clunk. Suddenly, all the swings, which this whole time had been raised in the air, suddenly swing down into their appropriate hanging position, ready for usage. The men smile and give a thumbs-up to each other and to the camera and shake each others' hands. You know, this is what you gotta do: just let the– let the environment work with you. Don't fight it. Don't fight it. Look at it. Give her a clunk at the bottom there. Watch what happens. And there we go! There's our swing set right there! Yeah! {laughs} Good work! Great stuff!

Famous People In Possum Lake HistoryEdit

{Red walks into another room in the lodge, holding a sign.}

RED GREEN: When he was elected, he was the most popular mayor Possum Lake had ever had. He promised to put the town on the map and decrease the unemployment rate. Instead, he put the town in the red and increased the illegitimacy rate.

{Red holds up his sign, which reads, "WANTED FOR MAYOR - HONEST JOHN JONASSEN".}

RED GREEN: He was Honest John Jonassen. He walked into Possum Lake one day, looking to buy a car. He asked us where the local Rolls-Royce dealership was.

{Cut to a photograph of a family out in front of their house in the woods. Some women are standing around while a few men try to tend to a mule. Nearby is a pile of firewood.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} He just couldn't believe that a town with this kind of vibrant energy and cosmopolitan flair wouldn't catch the eye of the Rolls-Royce people. In hindsight, that should've been a tip-off.

{Cut to Hap Shaughnessy on his boat.}

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, he was a charmer, I'll grant you that. He asked me to help him with Possum Lake's bid for the 1986 Winter Olympics. {shrugs} I didn't know how much help I could be. It'd been years since my last gold medal. In pickling. When I asked how our bid could stand a chance, he flat-out told me he was going to bribe the Olympic officials. He was ahead of his time, really.

{Hap nods. Cut to Dalton in his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: John also sold timesharing holiday properties down south, right? He would show us these pictures of these beautiful beachfront condos and then he explained that we could swap our places at Possum Lake with somebody who lived in one of these joints. Boy, that guy could sell, you know. He coulda sold Gandhi a Big Mac. {shakes head with uncertainty} We bought into it, and, uh... {shrugs} Two weeks later, he shows up with this family from Florida and says that they're here to timeshare with us for a month now.

{Cut to a photograph of people sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor of a shack and one person sleeping in a bed.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {voiceover} So he goes out to his car, he opens the trunk, and out get five guys with bedrolls. They walk into our living room and they camp out on the floor!

{Cut back to Dalton.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: These people were weird, even for Florida.

{Dalton nods slowly. Cut to Mike sitting in the backseat of a police car with the door next to him open.}

MIKE HAMAR: I recognized those guys. They've done time in jail. They were just guys on the lam looking for a place to hide out. I mean, would guys from Florida have no tan? And scurvy? Come on!

{A policeman walks up and shuts the door next to Mike and gets into the car. Cut back to Red, who is holding a folded piece of paper.}

RED GREEN: His big scam was Honest John's pyramid scheme. And these weren't pyramid sales. These were real pyramids.

{Cut to the inside of a pyramid.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} John wanted to build pyramids, and then, for five hundred bucks, you could be buried like King Tut.

{Cut back to Red.}

RED GREEN: We thought he was on the up-and-up, because he had funding from three levels of government. {shakes head} Well... Listen to me. {holds up and unfolds piece of paper} Then he sold a bunch of us these municipal bonds. {looks at paper} They were made of paper, which was good, because everybody in Possum Lake has a fireplace and an outhouse. {crumples paper and tosses it aside} Honest John Jonassen knew he was in trouble. Nobody could ignore that many eggs smashing up against their house. Then one night, he just disappeared. Nobody knows how. Some say he drowned, trying to swim across Possum Lake with seven hundred pounds of parking meter coins in his pants pockets. We'd have to dredge the lake to know for sure. But we're not gonna go looking for him until we miss him.

{Red turns and leaves the room. Cut to a closeup of Red's WANTED sign.}

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Red and Dalton enter the lodge, the former moving rather nimbly and looking quite pleased with himself.}

RED GREEN: Whoa-ho-ho, man! I feel great! Huh?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {pointing at Red} Huh? I told you, didn't I? That Angela is a miracle worker!

RED GREEN: I think I might go every week.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holds up index finger} Ohhh, me, too!

RED GREEN: Well, prevention is a big part of health care, Dalton.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {nods} Absolutely. {holds up index finger} Boy, and she is good, isn't she?

RED GREEN: Oh, very good. Very, very good. Not often you see a professional doctor with {points to his own face} eyes like that. {sways head} Ohh!

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, and that red hair. Oh, and the skin! Alabaster!

RED GREEN: Got the whole package.


RED GREEN: The whole package. Oh my gosh.

{The front door opens again and Mike runs into the lodge, looking worried.}

MIKE HAMAR: Mr. Green!

RED GREEN: Oh, Mike! Mike, watch this! Show him, Dalton!

{Red and Dalton make exaggerated gyrations and dancing motions with their body. Mike is turned off by this sight. Red laughs.}

MIKE HAMAR: {shakes head} Man, that's hard to watch. Well, look, you got so much energy. {sticks out thumb behind him} You better get those pipes back to where you found them, 'cause the cops are onto us!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {shocked} What?!

RED GREEN: What're you talking about? Who told 'em?

MIKE HAMAR: You guys did!

DALTON HUMPHREY: {exchanging a glance with Red} No way I said anything.

RED GREEN: {overlapping} I didn't say anything.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, who did you tell, then?

RED GREEN: I didn't tell anybody.

DALTON HUMPHREY: I didn't tell anybody. No.



MIKE HAMAR: {suddenly more worried than ever; points at Red and Dalton} You musta talked about them pipes when you were getting treated!

RED GREEN, DALTON HUMPHREY: {in unison} Angela?!

MIKE HAMAR: Well, yeah. It turns out that Angela isn't a chiropractor after all. She's a cop from Port Asbestos; she's working undercover.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {incredulous} Angela's a cop?!

RED GREEN: Wait a minute. Port Asbestos doesn't haven't any women police!

MIKE HAMAR: {very much ashamed} Yeah, well, see, here– here's the other part...

RED GREEN: {feeling very uncomfortable} Ohhh...!

MIKE HAMAR: It's not Angela, it's Angelo.


{Red tenses up and scrunches his shoulders. Dalton becomes very nervous and shakes his body in front of him, wiping his hands on his shirt as though not feeling entirely clean and looking disgusted.}

MIKE HAMAR: Aw, guys, loosen up! I've never felt better. {points at Red and Dalton} And you know what? Angelo's gonna– he's gonna moonlight as a masseur out of his own place. You guys interested?

RED GREEN: {still tensed up} No.

MIKE HAMAR: Well, I sure am.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, meeting time! C'mon, guys!

{Mike runs toward the stairs at the back. Dalton follows behind slowly, his body twitching and shaking.}

RED GREEN: {slowly looking toward Mike and Dalton, still scrunched up} You guys go ahead, I'll be down in a minute. {slowly looks back to camera} So if my wife is watching, and I really hope you're not... If you are, I'll be coming straight home after the meet. I think I'm gonna have a bath tonight. {looking sick} In boiling bleach. {to audience} And to the rest of you... sorry you watched. And until next time, on behalf of myself and... Angelo... {waves slowly} keep your stick on the ice.

{Red slowly walks toward the stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red walks toward the front of the Lodge Meeting with Dalton and Mike up there.}

MIKE HAMAR: All right, take your seats, everybody.

{The other men all sit down as Red joins Dalton and Mike up at the front of the meeting.}

MIKE HAMAR: All right, hurry up. Sit down. {everyone is seated; suddenly stands up and makes a rising motion with hands} All right, all rise!

{The men all stand up. They all cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: {Red speaking quietly} Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits down, Red doing so very slowly} Bow your heads; join me in the Man's Prayer. {everyone lowers their heads}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess.

RED GREEN: {quickly} But not that much!

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