The complete transcript for Maple Syrup

Title sequenceEdit

{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, the scene cuts to a shot of Harold swinging a baseball bat around, trying to hit a radio, only to hit a lamp, smashing it.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hi, this is Red Green. In today's show, Harold criticizes adults...

{Cut to a shot of Bill holding up a flashlight, Red standing nearby. Bill turns on the flashlight and a blast of sparks spews out of it. Red jumps back, startled.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill shows us camping lanterns...

{Cut to a shot of Red cutting a patio table with a chainsaw.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I turn a patio table into a windsurfer.

{Cut to an exterior shot of the Lodge. Several gunshot holes appear in the screen, then one last gunshot shatters the screen outward.}


{The camera moves through the Lodge from a back room, cluttered with various items, as it goes out into the main room of the Lodge. All the while, Harold introduces the show.}

HAROLD GREEN: Here's the man who put the "out" in "outhouse". He's the greatest uncle I could ever have, unless, of course, I was adopted, but I wasn't, so no such luck for me. Anyway, here he is, Mr. Red Green!

{Red walks into the Lodge and waves as the audience cheers.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much and thanks for tuning us in. {to Harold} Kind of an interesting introduction there, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you know me: Mr. Showbiz!

{Harold plays his switcher. A picture of him is seen flying around a flyover of Possum Lake. He laughs.}

RED GREEN: Uh, actually, I was referring to that bit about you being adopted, you know. And if you'd been adopted, Harold, then, of course, you wouldn't be my nephew, and I wouldn't have had to give you this job.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but I don't think anybody would adopt me at this, y'know, advanced development stage that I'm in.

RED GREEN: Well, then, okay, we can do the Moses thing. We could duct-tape you into a kayak and float you down the Nile.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah! Now I know you're just kidding, because there's no boats around this lodge that could float that far.

RED GREEN: {to audience} Well, he does have a point there. With the exception, of course, of Junior Singleton's boat.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, right! Junior Singleton, yeah! There's so many holes in that boat, no way Junior could fix all those holes. {to audience} No!

RED GREEN: Uh, no, Harold, he's not gonna fix the holes. Junior has upgraded his bilge pump. {to audience} What he did was, he went down to the army surplus store, and he bought – catch this – a used rocket fuel pump off a Russian intercontinental ballistic missile. I'll tell ya, the army surplus store sure has some interesting merchandise since the arms race ended.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! 'Cause I like that! You know, I'm in favor of beating swords into plowshares. Or– Or should I say, y'know, beating rocket fuel equipment into bilge pumps.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} How about beating you into a small, plaid lump? {smiles, bats his eyes; back to audience} Anyway, Junior got the big, huge pump all, uh, mounted inside, uh, inside his boat there, you know, and, uh, suddenly, he got a bit of a surprise when she dropped right through the hull, down to the bottom of the lake, and she was running at the time. This is what we call a setback. And, uh, but by golly, that is some kinda pump! It kept running down the bottom of the lake, and within fifteen minutes, it had pumped the whole Possum Lake totally dry!

HAROLD GREEN: {stunned} Possum Lake w– was pumped dry? Possum Lake is gone now?!

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, no, what it did was, it temporarily transferred the lake up to the top of the hill. And then the pump ran out of gas and the water came back down again. But– But– But in the meanwhile, it gave us a chance to get out on the bottom of the dry lake, and we got some of our old boats back and a few of our appliances and so on, and... we could fix some of the divots from Moose Thompson doing cannonballs off the boathouse. And most importantly, we got Junior's great big pump back up there. {rubs his hands together} And we decided we're going to do something else with it: we're gonna use it to collect maple syrup.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} It's not maple syrup time.

RED GREEN: Harold, with a pump this size, any time is maple syrup time.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay, Uncle Red, you know, I'm not a tree expert or anything, but I don't think you can just get the sap to do whatever you want it to do. {laughs}

RED GREEN: Oh, sure you can, Harold. Get on with the show, will ya?

{Harold plays his switcher. The show segues to the next segment.}


Red's Campfire Song 1Edit

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}

My butterfly collection
Gives me so much pride.
My butterfly collection
Makes me warm inside.
The monarchs, blues and yellows,
These are beauties, man, oh, man,
Come and see my butterfly collection.
They're all wedged in the grill of my van.

Handyman CornerEdit

{The "Handyman Corner" title appears. The camera pans through another part of the Lodge, where Red is standing next to a workbench. Next to the workbench is a patio table with an umbrella in it.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, we're gonna show ya an interesting project that you can make {gestures toward patio table} with one of them patio umbrella tables. Now, I know the patio tables are supposed to be used out in your backyard for entertaining your neighbors, but I'd rather do something fun! I'd rather use it for windsurfing. All right, talk is cheap. Let's build. {pulls out umbrella from table} Step one: remove the umbrella. Put it away somewhere safe for later. {throws umbrella aside; it makes a clattering noise on landing} There we go. Now what you want to do is, {gestures toward table} you wanna draw out the design of your windsurfer on top of the table, so you can cut it out. {picks up a Black Magic Marker} And for that, you're gonna need some kind of a marker. {picks up a ruler} And, uh, get yourself a ruler, so you keep the edges nice and strai–

{Red stops suddenly and notices that the ruler somehow twists around another way down the middle. He looks at it really closely.}

RED GREEN: Boy, y'know, the bent must've been from the moss and the fungi up here. That's the amount of warpage up at the Lodge, so I'll just... {tosses ruler aside; takes marker} I'll just eyeball it.

{Cut to an overhead shot of the table as Red draws out the design of the windsurfer on it with the marker, carefully as he can, although he deliberately wavers the lines a bit in areas. After drawing the design, he looks at the camera overhead.}

RED GREEN: I eyeballed there pretty good, didn't I?

{Cut back to the regular perspective.}

RED GREEN: Okay, there we are, and now what we do is we cut along all those lines to cut out our surfboard. Now, you could use a handsaw for that, or if you got a real good eye, you can use an axe. But to me, this is a carving job. For a carving job, {picks up an electric knife off the workbench} I wanna use an electric knife.

{Red suddenly looks at the knife very closely. He sniffs the blade and removes something from the tip of it on his finger and tastes it.}

RED GREEN: That's either peanut butter or last year's turkey.

{Red brings the knife over to the patio table and turns it on. He brings the knife down on the drawn lines, but it doesn't seem to be cutting through. It just sticks on the corner where he placed it. Wipe to a later scene. Red has his sleeves rolled up as he tries to cut the table with the knife, this time while lying on top of it on his hands and knees, but it still doesn't seem to be cutting through. Wipe to a later scene. Red stands up, his sleeves still rolled up. He has discarded the knife and is instead more easily cutting the table up with a long chainsaw. Wipe to a later scene. The now-cut-up pieces of the patio table are on the worktable. Red nods his head, satisfied.}

RED GREEN: Now you wanna take all these pieces and turn this thing into the shape of a surfboard, {starts to form the pieces together into a surfboard shape} because if those college kids see you surfing on a patio table, you're gonna be the brunt of some insensitive comments, believe me. {puts the pieces together} This unit goes here and this goes here together here and this goes back here... {the table now looks like a surfboard, except for two smaller pieces, which Red takes and places together like a rudder} And then you take two pieces and you put those together to form yourself a rudder. Now, what you do is, you attach everything together using either the epoxy cement or, uh, maybe you like to use bolts and nuts and so on, or... whatever fastening technique you feel most confident with.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red has attached the patio table pieces together into the surfboard shape, with its rudder, using duct tape. He is placing a last strip of tape on it from a roll.}

RED GREEN: I prefer the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. {looks up} Boy, that makes you feel like shootin' a curl, doesn't it? Man, look at all the cobwebs up there. Oh, well.

{Red picks up the surfboard from the workbench, carries it around in front of it, struggling to hold it steady, and places it on the floor.}

RED GREEN: All righty, there we go. {picks up umbrella, which has a wad of duct tape on the tip} I've already hoisted our sail now. I call it– I call it a sail now, 'cause it's unlucky to open an umbrella indoors. And I put a big wad of duct tape on here, so it doesn't go too far in, which is a handy thing to remember. Pop that in there... {sticks umbrella sail through umbrella hole} Looks like we got a pretty good breeze going out there, so, uh, why don't we, uh, try and catch the wind, as Donovan would say? {looks off-screen} Hey, Harold! Wanna open up the big door there?

{The door opens and wind blows into the workshop. Bits of debris fly around Red.}

RED GREEN: All right, so remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {moves the umbrella into a prone position} You'll find me out on the patio!

{Red, on the surfboard with its sail, is blown forward by the wind. He moves off-screen on the surfboard. Off-screen, he crashes into something, "The Red Green Show" title appears.}

RED GREEN: Wipeout!

The ExpertsEdit

{Harold stands in the Lodge basement beside a table.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now it's that part of the show where we expose those three little words that men find so difficult to say: "I don't know." {"The Experts" title appears, Red and Dougie emerge from behind a door in the back and enter into the room} And here to prove that point on the "Experts" portion of the show is my Uncle Red and his best friend in the whole world... {looks at them} Oh! {giggles} Okay. Mr. Dougie Franklin!

{Red and Dougie wave. They all sit around the table. Harold picks up a letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. {reads letter} "Dear Experts, my son has had several throat infections over the years, and our doctor is now saying he should have his tonsils out, which I thought was no longer a recommended procedure. What are your thoughts?"

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: My advice to this person is, get away from this doctor and every doctor as fast you can. Flee!

HAROLD GREEN: So you don't think this person should see a doctor, then?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: I don't think anybody should see a doctor. You know, the human body is nobody's business, you know? My daddy never saw a doctor a day in his life. Now, he– he smoked a pack and a half of cigarettes – plains – a day, and, uh, y'know... sure, once in a while, he might get a little coughing spell that might last, like, a weekend or something. But apart from that, he was as healthy as you or I.

RED GREEN: So you never been to a doctor, either, Doug?

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: Never been to a doctor, a dentist or a psychiatrist. I'm tellin' ya, the human body was not designed to be repaired from the outside. If the Good Lord had meant this to be, He would've put a hood on us somewhere. {makes car hood motions with his hand} Soon as you gotta slice through skin or start sawin' through bones, you gotta know you're dealin' with something that was designed to be maintenance-free! I tell ya, you get in there and you start tinkerin' with stuff, and you're gonna void your warranty with that master mechanic in the sky, I'll tell you that.

The Winter of Our Discount TentEdit

{"The Winter of Our Discount Tent" title appears, Red is sitting on a bench in the snow, dressed in a heavy parka. He opens a book and starts reading.}

RED GREEN: It is winter. Cousin Jerry was lying in the snow, making snow angels. Along came the snowplow. Now Cousin Jerry is making real angels.

Visit With Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Buzz is working on his plane on a dock out on the lake, with its engine hood open. He is trying to fix something on it with a tool, but it slips out of his hand and falls into the lake.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Aw, man! Not again!

{Buzz picks up a net from on top of his plane and reaches down into the water with it to fish out the tool. Red walks up to the plane and Buzz.}

RED GREEN: This thing ready to go, Buzz?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {putting net back on plane} Oh, yo, Red! Hey! No problemo!

{Buzz playfully balls his hands into fists and shakes them in front of Red. He then turns to the camera.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Hey, yo, Harold!

{Buzz gestures the camera to come closer, which it does. Then Buzz butts it with his head, knocking it – and Harold, apparently – down on the dock floor. Buzz laughs.}

RED GREEN: {looking down at camera} Oh, you're all right, Harold, get up. {camera doesn't pan back up} The plane's– The plane's okay to fly, huh?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looking at plane hood} Aw, man, Norwegian wood, this bird has flown.

{Red looks back down, noticing the camera is still on the ground.}

RED GREEN: Harold, there's a dock spider going up your leg there. {camera springs back up}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: See, it needs a new carburetor, y'know? That's, like, a hundred bucks. And I don't wanna spend that kinda bread on a plane like this. {gestures to his left} Hand me the air...

RED GREEN: {voice-over; cutting off what Buzz is saying} What I was thinking was that if I got Buzz here to take me up in his airplane, and I could kinda get an aerial view of the trees around the Lodge and see which ones would be good for our syrup business. I wasn't sure about the plane, though.

{As Red narrates, Buzz gestures to Red what he wants. Red looks around and then looks down at where Buzz is gesturing. But then Buzz waves dismissively and closes the hood.}

RED GREEN: You sure we don't need that stuff, Buzz?

{They both head for the entrance into Buzz's plane.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, no, no, no, we'll be fine. I'm sure. Well, we'll soon find out. {laughs maniacally}

{Red climbs into the plane, followed by Buzz.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Buzz doesn't instill a lot of confidence in his passengers, but I still figure, this has gotta be the quickest, easiest way to identify all the maple trees around the Lodge.

{Buzz laughs.}

RED GREEN: Uh, Buzz, I'm– I'm– I'm– I'm just looking for maple trees, that's all.



BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looking around} I don't know if we got any maple around, y'know?

{Buzz looks down at his plane's legs, which has several branches tangled in it.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Let's see, we got, uh... we got the spruce and poplar and pine and aluminum... {sees a piece of bent metal on it; picks it up and looks at it} Aw, man, I hate those TV antennas! {throws metal piece down}

RED GREEN: {starting to climb out of plane} Buzz, I kinda... Y'know, I was gonna kinda look from the air, but I think maybe now a ground survey... I'll get my own...


RED GREEN: {overlapping} Sorry.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {gently blocking Red's way} Keep the faith! You can't walk now, bro! No way! That's bad karma! {climbs into plane} You watch. You watch. {Red moves over to let Buzz in} I mean, if you walked away now, right, any money I'd start up the plane and something that could fly off, it would just sever your spine! {sits down in pilot's seat} Don't worry, don't worry, I got parachutes. {looks around inside plane} Somewhere. {laughs maniacally; points to something on dashboard} All right, see that red knob?


BUZZ SHERWOOD: When I say "Now", turn it all the way to the right. Cool?

RED GREEN: Alright.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Alright. {pauses} Now!

{Red turn the knob all the way over. Suddenly, loud rock music blasts from the plane radio.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {loudly} Yeah!!

{Red is startled by the sudden onslaught of the music and covers his ears, but Buzz suddenly starts dancing to the music in his seat.}

RED GREEN: {loudly, over the music} Man!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {loudly, over the music} Hey, look at this way: at least you won't hear the roar of the engine! {turns on engine; it sputters} Alright, c'mon, bring it on! Bring it on! And... {suddenly, the engine starts} Yeah!

{Dust suddenly appears, kicked up by the plane and its propeller, and obscures the plane. Buzz yells over the racket as he starts up the plane.}

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red enters the Lodge, holding something in his hand.}

RED GREEN: Well, my idea of gathering syrup for our syrup business is really taking off. We got Junior's big pump all tuned up, and Moose is out there drilling holes in every tree he can find. Then we're gonna connect the trees to the intake manifold. Everybody has donated the brake lines from their cars. And pretty soon, we're gonna be sucking out a fortune worth of syrup.

HAROLD GREEN: Whoo! This is great! How did you clean all the brake fluid out of the lines?

RED GREEN: How do you mean?

HAROLD GREEN: The– The– The brake fluid. I– You know, you gotta clean the lines. I don't think people want to taste brake fluid with their maple syrup. {cringes slightly}

RED GREEN: Aw, c'mon, Harold, all food has chemicals in it. And besides, it's part of our slogan: "The syrup that puts the brakes on hunger". {back to audience} I'm telling ya, this is gonna be a real moneymaker for us. This is the big one, right here.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} Yeah, I heard that one before. What about, y'know, the plywood car, or the– the peekaboo hip waders?

RED GREEN: Yeah, but that's different, Harold. This is the big one right here. We're already working on the marketing angle for Uncle Red's special syrup.

{Red holds up what he was holding in his hand: a syrup dispenser done in his own likeness. Harold looks at it.}

HAROLD GREEN: What, is that, like, a Ghostbuster action figure or something?

RED GREEN: No, that's the Uncle Red pancake syrup dispenser with the no-drip head.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs nervously} Whoo! {laughs again; gives a thumbs-up}

RED GREEN: A little twinge of jealousy there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No, it's more like a wave of nausea. Uncle Red, its très uncool, seeing you about six inches high, made of squeezable plastic stuff with maple syrup... {shudders}

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Harold, it's not maple syrup. We got Moose to drill holes in all kinds of trees. So we got oak syrup, pine syrup, spruce syrup, maple... Thirty-one flavors, Harold. We're gonna corner the syrup market.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. I betcha that Aunt Jemima's just shaking in her starch.

{Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Red's Campfire Song 2Edit

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}

The wind came swirling out across the farm.
It blew all the hair off my granny's arm.
It blew the livestock down into the well.
Blew the clappers off the town hall bell.
It was a lesson we learned, and we learned it well:
There's one heck of a lot of turbulence when you push a barn over.

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Out in the woods, Red is standing next to a card table. He looks at his watch. The "Adventures With Bill" title appears as Bill walks up with his arms full of camping equipment. He drops them all on the table, which collapses under the weight. Bill looks down at the fallen table, then waves to the camera. This week on "Adventures With Bill", Bill's gonna show us all about camping lanterns. Guess next week will be card table repair.
Later, Bill has set up the camping lantern equipment on the table more neatly on the now-fixed card table. It has several lanterns and flashlights of all sizes on it. He picks up a flashlight and turns it on, shining the light in front of the camera. He turns the light off and puts it back down. He picks up another, different camping light. He turns this light on and shines it in front the camera, which is much brighter. He then shines it in Red's face, who looks away, cringing. Bill shines it in his own face and cringes. He turns it off and puts it back down. Anyway, Bill brought all the metal equipment he's got there, all different kinds of lights. That's just kind of a normal one, and this is a... kind of a little higher voltage. Pretty bright light there, it's kind of focused. Oh, oh, oh!
Bill picks up a very long flashlight. He holds it up to the camera and hands it to Red. Red stares at the flashlight and then unscrews a cap from one end of the light while Bill picks up a container of batteries. He struggles to open up the container and finally, it opens. The batteries all fly out and scatter on the ground. One lands in Bill's overalls. As opposed to Bill, there's not– Look at the size of that thing! Isn't that– Never seen a flashlight like that in my life. Bill says, "Take the end off there." I don't know if it was left-hand or right-hand thread, 'cause she was cross-threads, so that's kinda bit of both. Bill's opening the batteries. With the plastic fasteners– Well, they're open.
Bill retrieves the battery in his overalls and pulls it out. He then bends down and picks up the batteries that fell on the ground. He puts the batteries in the tube of the flashlight. He first puts in a couple of D batteries, at both ways. Bill then puts in some C batteries as Red looks toward the camera, looking perplexed. Bill then puts in some AA batteries, putting into the tube two at a time, side by side. And Bill goes down and gets a battery or two. Look, he's got D-cells in there. It doesn't matter, apparently, which way you put them in, up or down, y'know, or plus or minus, whatever. Just fire 'em all in there. It's kind of an unusual rig, this one. And, uh, takes all different sizes, the Cs and, uh, I think even the double As, they go in side by side, kind of a Noah's Ark kind of a look to the flashlight at that point, and...
Bill looks around and then picks up a nine-volt battery. Red takes it and touches it with his tongue. It makes a sparking noise. Red and Bill nod and Red puts it in the flashlight. Bill then picks up a large battery. Bill touches it with his tongue, but it makes a big zapping noise. Bill shakes for several seconds and pulls the battery away from him. He shudders, waves dismissively and drops the battery on the ground. What else you got there? A nine-volt. Check that. I'll just check that with my tongue, and... Yeah, that one's fine. Drop that one in there. And, uh... Well, that one is– Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh, ohh, ohh, oh! Maybe you should've thought that one through, Bill.
Bill picks up the flashlight cap and hands it to Red, who screws the cap back into place on the flashlight and hands it to Bill. Bill holds up the flashlight, dramatically aiming it. He turns it on. Suddenly, a huge stream of sparks shoot out of the flashlight. Bill and Red look on, shocked. Bill looks at the flashlight and at the camera. And, uh, we're all set. Put the cap back on there, and, uh... now I gotta hand her back to Bill. He's gonna turn her on. This is gonna be pretty bright, I would think. Maybe a little too bright, perhaps.
Later, Bill pulls out an oil-powered camping lantern from a box. Red pulls out a piece of paper that has instructions on it, and Bill pulls out a lighter. Red unfolds the paper and tries to read it. Bill flicks the lighter several times before it lights on fire. But he accidentally puts it too close to the paper with the instructions on it, causing it to burn up to an ash. Red and Bill jump back a bit, startled. But he's got something else here. This is one of these camp oil– stove oil lights. I got the instructions out, and I said, "Bill, you gotta read the instructions first, because, y'know, something dangerous can happen. Like that."
Later, Bill places a candle in a holder and balances it on a pen knife sticking in the side of a tree. Bill takes out a box of matches and lights a match. He then lights the candle and smiles in a satisfied way toward the camera. But he accidentally tips the knife with the candle on it down and it falls off the tree and lands on Red's shoe. Red looks pained as he lifts his foot up with the knife on it against the tree. Bill pulls the knife off the shoe and Red walks off. Bill closes the pen knife. Suddenly, he hears crackling and looks down. His foot is on fire. He hops around on one leg and shakes his burning foot, trying to douse the fire on his foot. He finally places his foot on the tree and blows on it. The fire goes out. Now here's something I thought was real interesting. Take a pen knife and you open up the blade there. You stick a candle on there and you stick into a tree. And you set up a bunch of these through the forest and you make yourself a path or a little campsite at night. This is fantastic. Oh, Bill! Bill! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! For gosh sakes! Bill? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... Very good balance for an older fella.
Red and Bill take the camping lantern over to a stump. Bill turns the key on the side of the lantern, turning up the gas on it and bringing up some of the wick. He then takes out the matchbox and places it on top of the lantern. He lights a match. Suddenly, the whole matchbox lights on fire, sparking and smoking and lighting up with a long plume of fire coming out of both ends of the box before dying down. Bill waves the smoke away, while still holding his lit match, which suddenly burns Bill's fingers. In pain, he throws the match down and waves his hand, yelling, "Ow!" I'm surprised his breath put that out. Alright, this is kind of a gas, propane, pressurized with the wick in there. It's the gas– Now, to me, I woulda thought, y'know, what you wanna do is light the match first, and then, uh, and then, y'know, turn the gas. Well, y'know, that's me. That's me, that's not Bill. That's not Bill's way. Oh, boy! Wait! Oh! Oh, oh, oh! The, uh– Oh! Ouch! I wonder where he buys his matches.
Bill then pulls another match and tries to light it, but it breaks in half. They watch it fly. Bill looks around and then picks up a cigarette lighter next to the lantern. Red steps back several feet away from Bill. Bill tries to flick the lighter, but it doesn't light. Bill looks confused, then notices that his hand is empty. Then, smiling, he digs into his pants and pulls out another lighter. But he had the waterproof matches in a separate container, but the thing with Bill, he doesn't keep things very long. I don't know why that is. Hopefully, he's got the– Yeah, he had the... lighter, one of those little flicking lighter things. Uh, where'd that go, Bill? Another one? Yeah, alright. He's got... For a guy who doesn't smoke, he carries a lot of firepower.
Bill bends down next to the lantern and flicks the lighter. Suddenly, there is an explosion, whose smoke completely turns the screen white for several seconds. When the smoke clears, Red is knocked backwards by the explosion. Now he's gonna light this up and... Oh, boy! Oh, oh...
The explosion destroys the camping lantern, yet somehow creates a light inside it. Red and Bill get up, the latter's face and glasses turned black by the explosion and his clothes tattered and dirty. Red walks up close to Bill, who unsteadily gives a thumbs-up towards the camera and blows out the flame on the lighter. He then falls over. Red then picks up the lantern and walks off with it. Wow. That's a good look for you, Bill. The Arnold Schwarzenegger... The Ex-Terminator. Oh, well, we got a lamp out of it.

Harold's SegmentEdit

{Harold stands next to a radio and in front of a TV in another room in the Lodge. The "Adventures With Bill" music continues to play, on the radio. Next to the radio is a lit lamp.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Harold tells me there's a lot of young people watching this show, and he wanted to do something just for you. Lucky you!

HAROLD GREEN: Ho! Hello, and welcome to– {glances toward radio} Welcome to– What is with that cheesy music?

{Harold picks up a baseball bat and swings it around, trying to hit the radio, but accidentally hits the lamp instead, knocking it over. Harold watches.}

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Whoa-ho-ho-ho!

{Harold raises the bat above the radio and swings it down, but only taps the radio hard. The "Adventures With Bill" music stops abruptly.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to {a title appears, reading "WHAT'S WRONG WITH THOSE GOOFY ADULTS???"} "What's Wrong With Those Goofy Adults???".

{Harold picks up a boombox and puts it on top of the radio. He turns on the boombox. Funky music starts playing on it, and Harold begins dancing slightly to the music, giggling.}

HAROLD GREEN: This is the part of the show that's aimed at the younger generation. The cool people! This is the part of the show where we get to tell our parents and our teachers and those really smelly guys at the arcade what really ticks us off, you know? Things like cheesy music, or– or homework, or cauliflower, or... getting a cardigan for your birthday, or... uh, what else? Oh, you know– you know what's the worst? Where you gotta sit around the house and the whole family sits there and tries to figure out who you look like the most, right? Not being able to wear your clothes backwards, people saying how handsome you're gonna be when your skin clears up!

{The door behind Harold suddenly opens and an irate Red walks in, his head looking down. Red walks up to the boombox as funky music continues to play.}

HAROLD GREEN: {not noticing Red} (?) We just hate that, right? So this is our opportunity to say, "Well, no more–"

{Suddenly, Harold gets cut off by Red about what is happening: Red had just angrily taken the baseball bat and slammed it down on the boombox, ending the funky music abruptly, and knocking the boombox over. Harold looks down at what just happened.}

HAROLD GREEN: Or having your show canceled after the first episode. {laughs nervously; to Red, who is now about to leave} You still got that headache, do ya, Uncle Red? {Red stares at Harold, then turns to leave again} That's a yes.

{Red walks out the door, closing the door behind him.}

Visit With Reg HunterEdit

{Red is out in the woods with Reg Hunter.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I figured Reg Hunter could help us with the trees and the syrup, 'cause he's a vegetarian. {speaking to Reg} Reg, I wanted to ask you, is the sap any good?

REG HUNTER: Oh, the sap's the best part! The sap is the blood of the tree. It's got everything good and it comes in a liquid concentrate. See, that's why trees can grow hundreds of feet high and people can't! They– {suddenly, he gets cut off by the sound of an animal making a strange howling noise} Shh. {the animal is heard howling again; aims his gun} Oh, yes... {fires guns} Sh. {they both listen for the noise, but nothing happens; pumps his arm excitedly} Yes! {the animal is heard howling again; Red shakes his head while Reg shrugs} There must've been two of them.

{Reg walks along and Red follows. Reg puts his hand to his mouth and mimics the strange howling noise that the animal in question had made, but Red suddenly interrupts him.}


{Red's interrupting Reg startles the latter and he accidentally fires his gun in the air. The bullet knocks a branch off of a tree and it falls down on them. They duck down to try to avoid it, then get up again, Red keeping behind Reg.}

RED GREEN: Reg, I think I'm just gonna stay behind ya here. {they continue to walk on} Wh– What exactly are we, uh, hunting today? You know, just so our– so our viewers will know.

REG HUNTER: Oh, uh, we're hunting an animal that makes this sound... {puts hand to mouth and mimics the strange howling} Something like that.

RED GREEN: I've no idea what that is, Reg.

REG HUNTER: Well, neither do I, but I bet I can put a bullet in it.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Red enters the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, it was unfortunate. The shivering-off didn't– didn't really go so well.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughs; sarcastically} There's a major understatement. {laughs again}

RED GREEN: Well, the first part went okay. We hooked Junior's pump up to about fifty trees and then we switched it on. In about fifteen seconds, it sucked them all dry. Forty-foot oak trees imploding!

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} Shoulda seen it! Shoulda seen it! You know what it looked like? {removes switcher from around himself} You know, it's so, so cool! You know what it looked like? It looked like the Wicked Witch of the West in "The Wizard of Oz"! You know, {high-pitched; pantomimes while speaking} "I'm melting! I'm melting! I'll get you and your little dog, too!" {cackles; falls down on the floor, screaming and then groaning}

RED GREEN: {looking down at Harold, then back at camera; singsong voice} If he only had a brain... {normal voice} Anyway, it was really something to see. Full-grown birch trees shrinking right back down to saplings and even the– even the leaves were kinda curling up and rolling up the branches. But the worst part–

HAROLD GREEN: {getting back up} Oh, no! No, let me say it! You know what the worst part was? The– {laughs} The worst part– worst part was, like, the noise! It was amazing! Sounded like God flushed every toilet in Heaven all at once!

RED GREEN: Now, how would you know that, Harold? Have you ever heard all the toilets in Heaven flush at the same time?


RED GREEN: Well, if you keep interrupting, you will.


RED GREEN: All right. As I was saying, the worst part was the sound. It sounded like... a big noise of some kind. {pauses} The heavenly toilet thing, I guess. And, uh, and then the roots– the roots– the roots came up, right through the ground and they shriveled up and they started rolling up and they went down through the hoses and into the pump. I'll tell ya, we would've been real scared if we weren't laughing so hard. {smiles}

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's the cry of the Possum. That's meeting time, so I'm gonna go. {turns to leave}

RED GREEN: {stopping Harold} Uh, Harold?


RED GREEN: Tell the guys that the pancake brunch is on hold.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} I would think so. {leaves}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Well, y'know, I think we have all learned a life lesson this week, which is, uh, "Never connect a used Russian rocket fuel pump up to a large deciduous tree." And, uh, if my wife is watching, maybe we should embroider that little snippet of wisdom onto one of them samplers, and we'll hang that in the (?) there, that kind of thing, so... I'll be coming home straight after the meeting, and I can help you spell "deciduous". There's at least one J in it. {to audience} And to the rest of you, on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, thanks for watching, keep your stick on the ice. {waves and heads for the stairs}

{Cut to the Lodge Meeting. Bob Stuyvesant walks over to the front of the room, followed moments later by Red. Bob stands next to Harold, while next to Red are Hap Shaughnessy and Glen Brachston.}


{Everyone stands and puts their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits back down, except Red, who remains standing and picks up a clipboard} Before we get started with the meeting, we're gonna need everybody's help here to rebuild the forest, all right?TT

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