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The complete transcript for Men's Night On The Mountain

Opening words Edit

{Text appears on screen: "Women accept what they are. Men have to prove it." A chainsaw revving up is heard.}

Intro Edit

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"Men's Night On the Mountain" appears} And now, here's the man who says "Stop the world, I want to get a hot dog," your host, my uncle, Red GREEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEEEeeeEEeeeEEeennnnn!!!!

{While speaking, Harold points to the front door of the lodge, which opens and Red enters, waving to the audience, who cheers. Red wears a big backpack on his back.}

RED GREEN: {waving} Thank you very much. Thanks for coming. Boy, this is an exciting, exciting time {rubs hands together} at Possum Lodge this week, because tonight {holds up both index fingers} is men's night on the mountain!

HAROLD GREEN: Has anybody told the mountain?

RED GREEN: {waving dismissively} Ah, don't listen to him. I'll tell ya, this is a fantastic time. This is a time to kinda cut loose. We forget all about our responsibilities and all our cares and we got right up the mountain. Real old tradition in this area; dates back hundreds of years ago. Well, in the spring, you know, men would go up on top there and they watch out over the rivers to make sure that there was no flooding, you know, from the spring runoff and so on. And there's also, I gotta be honest with you, there's a male bonding site to it. It's an awful lot of fun. It's just... men up on the mountain looking out over a raging river.

HAROLD GREEN: Boy! So it's like a bunch of you guys sitting up on Rock Reef Point staring down at Mercury Creek? {laughs; points right index finger into his left hand fingers while saying to audience:} Not a real mountain, not a real river, not real men. {laughs again}

RED GREEN: Well, alright, Harold, if it's not real men, I guess you'll be able to come.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Really? Yeah, really? I can go? Yeah? {laughs} Well, you know, okay, all right! You know, alright, I guess my usual disdain for your, you know, destructive, testosterone-induced craziness is... seems to be overridden by my incredible desire to be accepted by the group.

RED GREEN: {strapping a sleeping bag to Harold's back} Maybe you are a real man.

Title sequence Edit

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Garth stumbling over towards Red, clutching at his throat and pointing to his mouth, as though choking on something. Red, meanwhile, is looking into a paper bag.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Hey, we got some new stuff to show you: Garth Harble, animal control officer, new guy at the lodge!

{Cut to Red swinging an axe at a shopping cart full of snacks.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm gonna make something out of a shopping cart.

{Cut to the Possum Lodge Word Game in progress. Dalton is the contestant and the word is "Sensitive".}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got a new game called "Two On a Match" I think you're gonna enjoy.

{Cut to Red and Edgar sitting on a couch together. Edgar says something and then throws up his arms in the air.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And don't forget, it's men's night on the mountain!

Plot Segment 2 Edit

{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, slightly bent over in pain. He groans.}

RED GREEN: Well, I'll tell ya, men's night on the mountain was a huge success as usual. A little hard on the back, but I'm not as young as I used to be. Just had the one incident, really. Uh, Harold, unfortunately, fell off the cliff wearing my backpack. {grins} Boy, I was afraid there was going to be some serious injuries there; we were laughing that hard.

{Harold then enters the lodge, walking awkwardly and uneasily, struggling to keep balance. His wears Red's backpack on his back. The pack is covered in tree branches.}

RED GREEN: {waving Harold over} Come on in. {Harold stumbles over close to his uncle} Well, did you have a good time there, young fella?

HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} No! I had the worst time of my life! {takes backpack off, leaving a tree branch sticking out of his pants}

RED GREEN: Oh, come on, Harold. Doesn't get any better than this, eh? This is our one night to go crazy there.

HAROLD GREEN: Crazy?!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: It was boring!

RED GREEN: {suddenly looking concerned} Boring?

HAROLD GREEN: {exasperated} Boring, boring, boring!

RED GREEN: What're you talking about?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, we gone about twelve feet up the hill and everybody else was too tired to go any further. Buster Hadfield had to go home and get his medication. No one else could get the fire lit.

RED GREEN: Well, spring runoff–

HAROLD GREEN: {exasperatedly shaking his head around} Spring runoff, spring runoff! Yeah, yeah, spring runoff!

RED GREEN: Everything's wet!

HAROLD GREEN: No, everything's not wet! {pulls tree branch out of his pants} It was just so boring, it was incredibly terrible out there. Everybody was complaining all the time! {sarcastically} "Oh, it's too dark!" "It's too damp!" "I got a soaker!" Come on! {Red looks disappointed} Moose Thompson– Moose Thompson ask– was asking everybody if they brought an {sarcastic tone} extra sweater! {Red stares} It was boring, it was incredible. No dirty jokes, no scary stories, just a bunch of middle-aged fat guys sitting around a dead fire on hemorrhoid cushions. I'm sorry, Uncle Red, but you always say, "Tell me what's on your mind."

RED GREEN: No, I don't, I say, "Tell me what's wrong with your mind."

Adventures With Bill Teaser Edit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill runs up to a pier over the lake, wearing a bathing suit. He runs off the edge and dives into a boat floating in the water. Red is at the steering wheel of the boat. Bill, dazed, struggles to get to his feet, finally clinging to the windshield of the boat. He pats Red on the back and, looking into the camera, points to him. Look out below! Bill's practicing for a new event for our men's night on the mountain: cliff diving! He's just getting warmed up. You okay, Bill?

The Possum Lodge Word Game Edit

{Harold walks up to Red and Dalton Humphrey at the card table, holding the word sign.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okie-dokie, this is the big one! For a free wash and hot wax at Larry's Barber Shop! Uncle Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mr. Humphrey to say this word... {holds up a sign that says "Sensitive" and mouths the word} Thirty seconds, and go.

RED GREEN: All right, uh, aware.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sober.

RED GREEN: Touchy.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Feely.

RED GREEN: Touchy-feely.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Richard Simmons?

RED GREEN: Compared to you, your wife is more...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...overweight.

RED GREEN: Emotionally, she's more...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...weepy– weepy– She's weepy!

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, no, I'm saying, she notices things more, because she's...

DALTON HUMPHREY: ...picky.

HAROLD GREEN: You're almost out of time. Uncle Red!

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, Dalton! Oh, Dalton, you would never say to your wife that she's picky, overweight or weepy, because...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {perplexed} Castration?

{Red shakes his head in frustration. Then he gets an idea.}

RED GREEN: Alright, alright, alright, alright, okay. Dalton, the vertical hold on your television set...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sensitive.

{Red rings the bell to end the game.}

Red's Campfire Song Edit

{Red plays guitar, while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN: {singing}

Oh, Duffy's joints were loose and loud.
You'd swear they all were breaking.
He'd twist his knuckles and crack his knees.
He sounded like a popcorn maker.
He'd snap his back and ripple his spine,
Doing it all with a big stupid grin.
Then he slipped and fell 300 feet on a rock,
And that was the last crack we heard from him.

Talking Animals Edit

{Garth Harble stands outside his house, holding a long, plastic tube over a hole in the ground.}

GARTH HARBLE: Garth Harble here, {salutes} animal control, with a tip on how to deal with a common household pest. Speaking of which, {looks offscreen} come on in here, Red! {laughs}

RED GREEN: {walking up} Very funny. Oh, Garth! You got no serious injury today. Slow week, huh?

GARTH HARBLE: Well, uh, see, Red, uh... I've taken sick leave.

RED GREEN: Oh.

GARTH HARBLE: Yeah, yeah. After that spider bite, I started falling down all over the place. Why, I... Well, I managed to flatten a little parakeet. {nods} When the boss found out, he sent me home for the week. {shakes his head} Poor little parakeet.

RED GREEN: Yep. {Garth sighs and puts his hand on his head} You have a tip for us at all?

GARTH HARBLE: Huh?

RED GREEN: You have a tip for us at all today, Garth?

GARTH HARBLE: {brightening up} Oh, oh, yes, yes!

RED GREEN: Alright.

GARTH HARBLE: Red, you know what a vole is?

RED GREEN: A vole? Yes, I do. {places index finger and thumb close together} It's like a little mouse, I believe.

GARTH HARBLE: Well, sort of.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

GARTH HARBLE: Except that the vole hides under your lawn. And don't you know, he eats the roots of your grass and– and– and your plants.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah.

{The camera pulls back to reveal a paper bag upside-down over another hole in the ground.}

GARTH HARBLE: So what I've done, I've located the– the two entrances into the vole's tunnel. And I shove a paper bag into the first hole.

RED GREEN: {bends down; sees paper bag} Oh, yeah, I see that.

GARTH HARBLE: {points at tube he holds} And into this second hole, I've got this, uh, plastic tubee.

RED GREEN: Sure, yeah.

GARTH HARBLE: Now what do you suppose I do next?

RED GREEN: Well, I would think you'd pump in the methane at this point.

GARTH HARBLE: {stares} I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that, Red.

RED GREEN: Oh.

GARTH HARBLE: No! I don't do that!

RED GREEN: Alright.

GARTH HARBLE: No, I'm gonna blow very hard into this plastic tubee, so hard that the vole is gonna pop out the other side, into that plastic bag. Isn't that great?

RED GREEN: Well, now, that is great. {Garth laughs} That is great.

GARTH HARBLE: {points to bag} Alright now, you run over there. And when I– And when that vole comes out, why, you snatch him.

{Red walks up to the hole with the paper bag over it.}

RED GREEN: Hey, this is fun. Vole snatching could really catch on at the lodge.

GARTH HARBLE: Really?

RED GREEN: Maybe. All right. Blow away there, Garth!

GARTH HARBLE: Alright, we'll give her a blast!

RED GREEN: Alright.

{Garth blows really hard into the plastic tube he holds. His blowing goes through the hole. The paper bag, which was once deflated, suddenly bulges out as a squeaking vole appears inside it. Red then stomps down hard on the vole in the paper bag. He stomps so hard that the vole goes shooting back down through the hole and up through the tube. Garth suddenly gasps as the vole suddenly goes through his mouth. He clutches at his throat. Red doesn't notice, however. He only notices that the paper bag is deflated again. He picks up the bag and looks at it. All the while, Garth is now stumbling around, holding his throat and gasping for breath. He stumbles over to Red, who looks into the paper bag.}

RED GREEN: Nope. You must have it, Garth. {Garth, gasping for breath, gestures toward his throat and mouth} What? Oh!

{Red slaps Garth on the back, jerking Garth slightly. Garth gasps again and stands there motionless. Red looks into the paper bag again.}

RED GREEN: This is fun.

GARTH HARBLE: {gasping for breath} Oh, boy! Another super day! {belches}

Handyman Corner Edit

{Red walks into another room in the lodge.}

RED GREEN: What anyone doesn't understand about men's night on the mountain is that you get to a certain age where you're just not prepared to give up the creature comforts. So I thought I would take this week's Handyman Corner and show you how you can satisfy man's two basic fundamental needs: {holds up two fingers and points to them} number one, a comfy chair to sit on, and number two, junk food. So go on out to your grocery store and pick up your favorite snacks.

{Red walks off. Wipe to a later scene. Red returns holding a bag of popcorn and pulling along a shopping cart filled with more snacks.}

RED GREEN: {holds up popcorn} Just like this! Oh, yeah, and make sure you bring the cart with you, too. {pulls up cart} Don't worry about taking it with you. The store doesn't mind. {takes two bags of popcorn out of cart and tosses them on worktable} In fact, there's a cost in the cart– {sees cart about to roll away} Whoa! {grabs cart and pulls it close} Come back here! {continues to pull out snacks and put them on table} –in the price of the groceries. {cart starts rolling away again} Besides, if they– {sees cart rolling away and grabs and pulls it close} Ah, gosh! Floors are little uneven at the lodge here. {tosses out more snacks and brings still-sliding-away cart close again} Besides, if they fill the cart up with groceries, surely– {pulls cart close again as it slides away again} surely they don't expect you to carry the whole thing home. All right.

{Red continues emptying the cart of the snacks and grabs the cart as it slides away once more.}

RED GREEN: Alright, now, step two: we want to cut down the sides of the front here {makes cutting motions with his hand on both sides of the cart} so we can pull that thing down, and, uh... {picks up a hacksaw from workbench} Just grab the saw here and get at that.

{Red puts the hacksaw over one of the sides of the cart and proceeds to cut it, only for the blade to fall off the saw. Wipe to a later scene. Red is repeatedly swinging at the cart with an axe, but the sides won't cut. Wipe to another later scene. Red has finally cut open the front of the cart and, straining, pulls it down like a makeshift door. A window with venetian blinds is lying nearby.}

RED GREEN: There we go. That's the comfort aspect taken care of. Now we can start taking a look at safety. {reaches over to pick up window; cart starts rolling away} You know, we got this– {sees cart rolling away} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! {grabs cart, pulls it closer and holds it} –got this big hole in the ozone for people that everything good in life has to be straight out of a can. {reaches out to pick up window; cart slides away yet again} So now we gotta worry about– {grabs cart while holding window} Oh, oh, oh, oh! –about that. And I got this– Man! {steps down on cart with foot; holds up window} I got this window here, which I'm gonna put– mount on top of the– the unit. Got a blind on there, so it now becomes a variable, angle UV deflector. {turns window around; shows a screen on window} Got a screen on here to keep the bugs out. {lifts foot off cart, which starts sliding away again} So I'll just– {grabs cart and pulls it closer, then picks up a couple long pieces of wood} I'll just mount this whole rig on here with these 2x2s.

{Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins. Red holds the pieces of wood under his arm as he struggles to put the window into the cart. In his struggle, he accidentally drops the wood. Then, he crouches in the cart, duct-taping the wood to the edge of the cart and carrying the window on his back. One of the pieces of wood in his arms falls down on the ground. Later, the wood has been taped to the cart at all corners and the window placed on top of the wood over the cart. He is now shaking the various now-crooked blinds and trying to straighten them out. Later after that, he is placing the window frame against the cart and it accidentally lands on his foot, hurting it. He clutches it in pain. Still later, struggling to hold it up, he places the frame against the cart yet again. He crashes with it into the cart and looks at the camera with a frustrated expression. Still later, he has mounted both windows at the sides of the cart. The windows now have various bags of snacks hanging from them. The montage now ends.}

RED GREEN: Alright, just get your, uh, snacks hung on there. {closes windows like doors, folding them against cart} Now, of course, you fold these things up, you know, for traveling, {folds them back out again} but when you arrive where you want to be, just swing 'em open and get comfortable. {climbs into cart, grunting with the effort} Not that easy to do. {sits down in cart, laughing} There you are, huh? Sitting pretty with all of life's treasures right here at your fingertips.

{Red looks up at a bottle of soda hanging from one of the windows and a long, plastic hose sticking out of it.}

RED GREEN: You get a little bit thirsty, you say? Well, {takes a hold of hose} hook up one of these plastic hoses to a bottle that's above your head. And, uh, it's even a gravity feed. When people say you suck, you can prove otherwise. {sucks something through hose} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, {the cart with Red in it suddenly starts to roll away yet again} they should at least find you handy. {Red notices the cart rolling away} Uh-oh! Oh, well, I'll have something to eat while I'm waiting for the ambulance.

Commercial bumper Edit

{Red reaches his hand out to Buzz, who is hanging upside-down by something. When Red touches Buzz, they both get an electric shock.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} If you're looking for reasons not to go bungee jumping, stay tuned for Buzz Sherwood.

Plot Segment 3 Edit

{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge, holding a piece of paper.}

RED GREEN: Well, our night on the mountain got us all thinking, and I hate to admit that Harold's right, but it is possible that we have lost our manhood maybe through marriage or some other accident in the workplace.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you don't need foolish stunts to prove you're a man. Just act responsibly towards fellow human beings.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Get serious, Harold. {to camera} So now we're gonna do something really manly.

HAROLD GREEN: By "manly", do you mean, being good fathers? Good husbands? Being good providers?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Where do you get this stuff anyway? {back to camera} No, we were thinking of maybe going whitewater rafting on Mercury Creek. The problem there is that the whitewater is actually chemical foam, you know? You really don't want to be out in the middle of Dead Man's Whirlpool and have the river eat the rubber right off your pontoons.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Gandhi was a great man, and so was Albert Schweitzer. They didn't need foolish stunts to prove they were men.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} No, but they weren't lodge members, Harold, all right? {back to camera} So we decided to go cliff diving off of Rock Reef Point. {holds up paper} Got the application form right here. Really only two rules: {looks at paper} number one, you gotta promise to go right off the top, and number two, you gotta do your best to try and hit the water. {back to Harold} Want me to sign you up there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I don't think so, no, never, never, no, no.

RED GREEN: Good, good. That proves it's for men only.

HAROLD GREEN: Proves it's for men like you only.

RED GREEN: We're a dying breed, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Coincidence? I don't think so. {plays switcher}

Segue: Garth Harble Edit

{Garth stands outside his house, wearing a neck brace.}

GARTH HARBLE: Garth Harble here, animal control, {salutes} reminding you that wild animals can smell fear. 'Course, if it smells bad enough, why, they won't eat you. Hey, I'm alive.

That's What Friends Are For Edit

{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, you're gonna pay for this until the moon passes China.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, boy. She comes home from work, stressed to tears, and blubbers out the five words that no man understands: "I just wanna be held."

RED GREEN: {shakes his head} And just because they were coming to the end of the break between "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!", you tried to substitute a hug for a held. {shakes his head again}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {also shaking his head} No. A little five-second hug? Don't you know that fifteen seconds is the absolute minimum for "I just wanna be held"?

RED GREEN: That extra ten seconds is gonna be the difference between the couch and the garage.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, yeah, and forget all about the bed. Oh, yeah. And you know what? You coulda held her for fifteen seconds if you'd've just used your head. All you had to do was tilt her a little bit over to the side, and then you could've seen "Jeopardy!" right over shoulder!

RED GREEN: You could've watched the whole half-hour, but you weren't thinking, were you?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: No. So now, it's time for a quick fix, and the best thing is to claim that, {feels his throat} you felt a little something coming on, and you didn't want to pass the bug onto her.

RED GREEN: Or, if you think you're up to the acting challenge, you could jump back with a startled look on your face and say, "Have you lost weight?"

Visit With Buzz Sherwood Edit

{Red stands out on a pier by the lake. Buzz is next to him, hanging upside-down in mid-air by a long, red strap.}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Alright now, whatever you do in the great outdoors, always remember, safety first. {to Buzz} Right, Buzz? {sits down in a lawn chair}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Well, you got that right, Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, just because you saw somebody on TV doing something like, say, uh... well, uh... {looks up from his position} bungee jumping, doesn't mean you can just go out and do it yourself.

RED GREEN: No. Now, Buzz, tell the viewers at home, what do you think the professional bungee jumper would do first?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Well, I bet the first thing they'd do is they go out and find something really stable for jumping off of.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, {looks up} like maybe that, uh, {gestures off-screen} giant pine tree there?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looks off-screen} Well, you know, in hindsight, you'd think that, Red, but...

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, I... I– I– I found out that giant pines aren't that great for bungee jumping off of.

RED GREEN: {nods} Alright, that's good, and, uh, what about power lines? I guess you make sure {gestures hand around} there's none of them around.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, for sure. You know, I honestly thought I could clear those lines, but, uh, me and gravity, we never did get along. Oh, and don't go making your bungee cord out of stuff around the house, you know?

RED GREEN: All right...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {holds up fingers while saying:} Don't go using old suspenders or spandex (?) pants or elastics or, uh... {looks up and off-screen} What else did I use, Red?

RED GREEN: {looking up and off-screen} Well, I see pantyhose, pull-up pajamas and a bunch of jockstraps.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Right, right, {waves dismissively} don't go using any of those.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} No. So maybe what we should say is, if you want to go bungee jumping, go where they have bungee jumping, right? {looks at Buzz} They have the right equipment and professional supervision.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah, yeah. Well, we'll say that now.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Always remember, safety first.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, safety first. So are you coming down now, Red?

RED GREEN: Have they turned the power off yet?

{Red reaches out his hand and touches Buzz. Suddenly, a surge of electricity jolts both of them. Red hastily pulls his hand back.}

RED GREEN: Nope.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, I– I– I just thought they were telephone wires. I'm thinking, how much electricity is in a telephone wire? {Red nods}

Plot Segment 4 Edit

{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge holding the application form from earlier.}

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} So, Uncle Red, how many people have signed up for the cliff-diving contest? {giggles again}

RED GREEN: No, Harold, I'll tell ya, uh, none of the men were motivated to sign up until I added a spectator gallery and handed out free tickets to all the wives and girlfriends and even the contestants for the Possum Lake Miss Teen Pageant.

HAROLD GREEN: What? {stammers} All the– Miss Teen Pageant people– girls are gonna be there? {giggles}

RED GREEN: Yep. Except for Miss Congeniality; she was just a little too bubbly for our crowd. But you know, knowing that the women were gonna be there really got the men interested in showing off their manhood. I think it's safe to say that anybody who's not cliff diving is probably not a real man.

Red's Handyman Tips Edit

{Red holds up a power tool. Something is making a clattering noise.}

RED GREEN: Hey, handymen: I know the power tools come with a button on the side so that you can lock 'em in the "on" position. But I wouldn't advise it!

{Red jumps back as the camera reveals what's making the clattering noise. A power drill is lying on the table and moving around as a huge piece of wood is stuck in its drill bit and spinning around.}

Adventures With Bill Edit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red sits in a lawn chair on a dock by the edge of the lake. Bill runs up in a bathing suit. He waves to the camera. He then raises his arm up in the arm and crouches into a prone position on the very edge of the dock and dives into the water. Red looks at the camera wryly. Well, as I tried to warn ya earlier in the show, this week's Adventures With Bill, Bill's gonna try and work his way... Yeah, nice dive, Bill.
Red then looks behind and sees Bill climbing up a swimming pool ladder attached to the edge of the dock. Red gets out of his chair. Bill's gonna try and work his way up to the cliff diving contest, so he thought he'd just try diving off the dock there, and, uh... Musta hit something there.
Bill grabs Red's chair. Red also grabs the other end and they set it by the edge of the dock. Bill waves to the camera and demonstrates his plan of diving into the water from the edge of the chair and gives a thumbs-up to the camera. He then tries to get up on the very edge of the chair, but it keeps wobbling under. He motions for Red to hold the back of the chair, which he does. Well, this chair here, he thought he'd get up on the chair. I wasn't too excited about this. That's a family heirloom. It's been in my family since the trailer burned down.
Bill grabs the arms of the chair and lifts his feet up over the seat and sets them down on it, only to tear out the webbing. Bill struggles to lift his feet out of the chair, but he stumbles in the chair and falls backwards off the edge of the dock and into the water. Off the edge there? Now, what do I need... He needed me to hold the– Oh! Bill? Bill? Oh, boy.
Later, Red repairs the chair's seat. Bill then returns wearing a life jacket and holding a ladder. He waves to the camera. His ladder accidentally knocks the chair into the water. He makes motions with his hands to demonstrate his plan of diving off the ladder into the water. He places the ladder by the very edge of the dock, but Red notices that it is too close to the edge. So, going well as usual. Anyway, I got the chair all fixed up. Bill? Oh! That was a waste of time. All right, so now, what Bill's gonna do, next step up, phrase three, I guess, is to go off the ladder. To me, I'm noticing, boy, he's got that ladder awfully close to the edge.
Bill goes up the ladder. Red motions to Bill the position of the edge of the ladder. Bill waves and steps back down off the ladder. What you do is you try to be a little bit safety-conscious, as you know up here, or at least conscious up here, and I'm saying to Bill, "Get her right back." But...
Later, Red pulls the ladder back a few feet and Bill climbs up the ladder again and is poised to dive off the top. Red pulls the ladder back further as Bill dives off, only to crash onto the deck of the dock. Red had pulled the ladder too far back. Bill groans while Red shakes his head to the camera. Bill lies face down on the dock. ...you know, the thing with safety is, y'know, you can be actually too safe and... Yeah, I'm thinking, you know, we may have pulled her back a little too far.
Red walks over to Bill, who, after a moment, gets to his feet, stumbling a little. Bill raises his arms in the air ecstatically and waves to Red. He points up to the hill above them and picks up some rope. As he walks off, carrying the rope, some of it gets snagged on the ladder, dragging it along behind. After a moment, Red follows. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But anyway, for whatever reason, maybe because he banged his head or whatever, he's decided he's now ready to attack the cliff up at Rock Reef Point. So, uh, he's gonna need the rope, yeah, and he wants me... Yeah, all right. Well, at this point, I kinda want to see how it turns out. And I hope you do, too!
Later, Bill walks along up the edge of a sheer, rocky cliff above the lake, holding the rope. Red walks along behind, slightly hunched over, clutching his knees and feeling slightly winded. Bill unwinds the rope as he looks up the cliff. Bill ties one end of the rope into a loop. Now, the thing with Rock Reef Point is, it's just a beautiful piece of geography up there. Of course, it's got the, uh, inside the reef, and– I was a little tired, I thought. Anyway, but there's a rock and there's the reef, as I mentioned, and then there's a point. You don't see the point unless you get a closeup of Bill's head, but...
Bill winds up to throw the loop up in the air and then does so. The loop lands on a tree stump above them on a ledge. But the loop just drapes over the stump; it's too small to wrap around it. Bill hauls in the rope. Now he's gonna... do the– Yeah, just throw this up. Yeah, this small loop. But the loop was too small on the rope to hook around the stump. We were trying to use the rope to pull ourselves up.
Bill finishes pulling in the rope and hopes up the other end of the rope, which has a much larger loop. He displays it to the camera and then throws it up to the stump. This time, the loop hooks around the stump successfully. Bill tugs on the rope and then gives a thumbs-up to the camera. He takes a hold of the rope and tries to climb up, but has some difficulty doing so. Red tries to push him up. But, uh, you know, every rope has two ends. There's– On the other end, there's a much bigger loop. This is gonna work great, we think, and, uh... Bill's real good with a rope, isn't he? There we go, there we go! Look at that, look at that! Unbelievable! So he's all set and, uh, up we go, and, uh... I'm starting to see why mountain climbing is so dangerous.
Later, Bill and Red finally climb to the very top of the rocky hill. Bill stands by the edge and holds the rope as Red makes his way up. Bill takes Red's arm and helps pull him up over the edge. Bill then walks off. Red takes the rope and hauls it up to the top of the hill with them. Anyway, we get up there and, uh, finally get up to the top of the hill. That was a heck of a climb, and I thought, gee, y'know, what I should do is pull that rope up there; get that out of his way, and, uh... 'Cause the... What I had forgotten was, you see, that the rope still had that small loop...
Bill takes a few steps backwards, but then trips on some bushes and falls over. Bill struggles to his feet. He shrugs. ...on the end. What? Oh, oh! Bill has kind of an unorthodox approach to his dives. He's ready.
Bill crouches down and then runs forward toward the edge of the cliff. But, unbeknownst to him, his foot gets caught in the small loop in the rope, which had been hooked around another stump. Bill leaps off the edge to do his dive, with his foot in the rope, but the rope unravels to its fullest length, and Bill is suddenly stopped by the rope in mid-dive a few feet above the lake and is left dangling in mid-air. And, uh... Unfortunately, that... And his foot went into that small loop, and now the problem is, the rope is not as long as his dive!

The Experts Edit

{Harold, Red and Edgar Montrose sit around a table in the lodge. Harold sits in a stuffed recliner while Red and Edgar share a two-person couch.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! On this week's Experts portion of the show, we have experts: {giggles} my Uncle Red and his good friend, Edgar Montrose!

{The audience applauds while Red and Edgar wave to them.}

HAROLD GREEN: {taking out a letter} First letter goes as follows... All righty, uh... {reads letter} "Dear Experts, I took my children to a movie recently and I was disgusted by the language and the nudity. And that was just in the car beside us! The movie was far too violent for children or seniors or anyone who hasn't spent time in either prison or the navy. How can we get Hollywood to clean up its act? Signed, Offended."

RED GREEN: Well, I agree with this viewer. I'm telling you, my wife Bernice dragged me out to see that {sticks his thumb behind him} Mary Poppins a few years ago. Man! Talk about offensive! I thought I was gonna get diabetes! {shakes his head} They started singing that "Supercalinarcolepticextrahalitosis". I just about lost my Licorice Nibs!

EDGAR MONTROSE: {nods} I'll tell you what's wrong with movies: they give the kids a false sense of reality. Like that movie Speed, when the bus blew up. You never get that much flame! They showed it as a big fireball, but a real bus explosion is all smoke and mirrors. I know, I was the mechanic at a bus company for a coupla days.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I would like to caution our viewer, there have been some great movies made that are both educational and uplifting.

EDGAR MONTROSE: Yeah, in the old days, like The Bridge Over the River Kwai. Did you see that baby go up at the end? {throws his hands up} When that train went crashing into the river? Won an Oscar for Best Picture. But that one now, uh, Bridges of Madison County. {shakes his head} I waited for one of those bridges to go up, {throws his hands up} but nothin'! And I wasn't the only one disappointed; everybody in the theater was cryin' by the end. Movies today just don't deliver.

HAROLD GREEN: I– I do have to disagree with you, because there have been some great films made. Y'know, like Forrest Gump, The Piano, Dances With Wolves

EDGAR MONTROSE: {snaps his fingers} I saw that one! Now, the native guy was okay; should've got the Oscar. But, the rest of it was a yawn. Now, what they needed there is one of the buffalo to get backed up with methane. {takes a cup on the table and runs hand over it} Or catch his hoof on a– on a– on a piece of flint {puts cup down} and go off like a big furry grenade! {throws his arms up} KABOOM! Talk about your burgers to go!

Segue: Buzz Sherwood Edit

{Buzz is seen in the water in the lake. He swims towards a pool ladder attached to a dock.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Harold! C'mere, gimme that manual! {climbs up the ladder} Gimme that manual!

{Harold reaches his hand, which holds a manual, out to Buzz, who takes the manual and looks at it.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {pointing at manual} Look at that! All-terrain vehicles: sand, gravel, lakes! {Harold points to manual} What? {looks at manual} Frozen lakes...? {looks up; nods} Oh, frozen! {looks around} Okay, I might've jumped the gun a bit on that. What time do we have to get it back to the rental place?

Plot Segment 5 Edit

{Red and Harold enter the lodge, both soaking wet and Harold holding a waterlogged video camera.}

RED GREEN: A little advice for any of ya plannin' some kind of an event for your next family reunion: I would suggest you don't make it a cliff diving contest.

{Harold tips the camera down. Water pours out of the lens area.}

HAROLD GREEN: These are real men! Wanna know what real men do? They climb to the top of Rock Reef Point in a selection of bathing suits {shakes head} you do not want to see on a full stomach. And each and every one of them chickened out! {laughs; Red shakes his head} So a bunch of the women, they climbed up to the top of the point, y'know, and started diving off just to show up the men! {giggles}

RED GREEN: I knew we were in trouble when Moose Thompson's mother did a belly flop from the top of Rock Reef Point. Man, it brought down the house and part of the lodge, actually. Boy, did she hit the water! Port Asbestos hasn't had that much rain in twelve years!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it only goes to prove, I guess, there's no real men left in these parts.

RED GREEN: {scratching his neck} Well, yeah, there are, Harold, but a lot of them are women, unfortunately.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: That's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go get dried off, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay. {goes down to basement}

RED GREEN: Kinda meet ya down there. {to camera} If my wife is watchin', I'll be coming straight home after the meetin', and I... I'm hopin' maybe you can make the neighbors come over another night, you know? Maybe I'm not a real man, but I am real tired and not real interested in being real sociable. To the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting in the basement. Red walks down the stairs, where the men are all taking their seats. Red heads for the head of the meeting, where Harold also stands.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all rise! All rise!

{The men all stand up and cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits down, except Red} Alright, get up, Harold. {Harold stands up} Harold has something he wanted to say to all of you guys while you're all here...

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of www.redgreen.com.}

ANNOUNCER: {voiceover} For more information on Red Green and Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or find us on the Internet at www.redgreen.com.

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