At the end of every episode, Red always addresses his wife through the camera,
"If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting" and then tells about the story relevant to the episode, before thanking the audience for watching. In the first season, Red only addresses his wife, From Season 2 right on to the end of the show's run, Red always addresses that he will be home after the Lodge Meeting. Listed below are all the closing comments he makes after doing that, excluding his saying that he'll be coming straight home after the meeting unless otherwise stated.
The Big Inboard
"...but I think I'm gonna stay up and read a little bit tonight, so maybe you could leave the comic section on the fridge."
"If Junior Singleton's wife is watching, he's gonna be late."
"If you want me to wake you, just tie a ribbon around the bedroom doorknob."
Gun Powder Shakes
"...and I will take the garbage out tonight if you just want to shovel it into the bags for me."
The Sing Along Machine
"...and I'm in the mood for something dangerous, so you might wanna invite your folks over."
"Maybe you can check to see if you can find our bearskin rug."
The Bad Check-Up
"And apparently, I'm in a lot better shape than I look, so I'd like to go back to not wearing any pajamas."
The Four-Man Raft
"And I'm bringing the inner tube, so we can pop your mother out of the bathtub."
The Broken Water Pump
"...and I'm feeling lucky tonight, so why don't you leave the television on?"
"...and I can help you spell 'deciduous'. There's at least one J in it."
"I'm just wondering if your brother-in-law is still with the traffic violation section of the police station down there, and if he is, what do you say we invite him and that zingo wife of his and then those four bratty kids over for, say, a barbecue tomorrow night? That'd be fun, wouldn't it?"
The Spawning Grounds
"...unless it rains and I harden."
"Maybe we can do a test to see if opposites attract. Might help if we were Polish, right? Lodge humor, gotta love it!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't– I didn't strike gold, uh, this week, but I didn't strike Harold, either, so you gotta be proud of me."
The Tanks We Get
"...and my clothes kinda smell like gas, so I'm just gonna leave 'em all on the porch. You can do the same thing, if you like. I wouldn't mind a few more fireworks."
"...and I'm gonna be bringing home about fifty or sixty fire extinguishers. It's just a little extra safety precaution; it's not a reflection on your cooking in any way."
"...and, uh, I'll be bringing home a big wad of cash, so what do you say we go nuts, rent a movie, order in a pizza, and maybe you can tip the guy? Wealth means nothing without style."
"I might be a bit late, but I'll still be two years earlier than I thought I'd be."
The Beef Project
"And after what I've been through today, I do not want to have any meat for dinner. Let's have hot dogs."
The Owl Project
"And I'll be bringing a second-time-around wild turkey. Kinda light on the meat and heavy on the stuffing, if you know what I mean."
The Beer Project
"...and I'll tell you something, honey: I am off beer until... probably this time tomorrow."
The Firewood Project
"I thought maybe we could have a romantic evening around the fire. I'm bringing a load of firewood. It is the pick-your-own style, though, so maybe you could split it while I'm having a bath."
The Hydrogen Project
"...and yes, I can explain the pink rubber in my underwear."
The Schoolhouse Project
"...and I have a picture of me sitting behind you in grade-four Possum Lake School. That one where I was dipping your pigtail into the inkwell? I know you never forgave me for that, but you'll see by the picture the pig isn't upset at all."
The Badger Project
"...and after what happened to Old Man Sedgewick, I think maybe we should throw on some of my old bell-bottom pants. I got a pair there that a rhino could get into! Hey, there's an idea, we'll give them to your sister."
The Ski & Golf Project
"I've decided to give up golf until they get safer chairlifts."
Men's Night On The Mountain
"I'm hoping maybe you could make the neighbors come over another night, you know? Maybe I'm not a real man, but I am real tired and not real interested in being real sociable."
The Driving Test
"Got the license back. What do you say you and I go for a little moonlit drive down by the lake, eh? One of those romantic spots where we can park and... Don't worry, I'll take it nice and slow; I can't afford any more demerit points."
The Satellite Dish
"I am sick to death of television! I'm gonna stop at the video store and get a movie."
Father and Son Banquet
"It's been quite a day. I smell like burnt rubber, I don't wanna have any kids, and you got a brand-new father-in-law!"
The New Doctor
"I want you to know that I'm feeling great for a man of my age, and I'm just kinda curious about how you feel for a woman your age."
The Network Deal
"...and I'll tell you one thing: that wife that the network gave wasn't half the woman that you are. In age or weight! Your sense of humor, right, Bernice? Laugh it up!"
Possum Lodge Radio
"...and now that I'm not in the radio business any more, I'm no longer king of Thursday night. Maybe I can go back to being prince of Saturday morning, if you know what I mean."
X Marks The Spot
"And I'll tell you something: I'm not nearly as concerned about what's at the bottom of the lake as I am of what's at the bottom of my heart. 'Course, onions always do that to me."
"I won't be bringing a big mess of fish or anything, but I tell you what I will do: I'll stop off at the takeout place there, you know, and that way, we don't have to cut the heads off or cut the tails off or pull all the guts out unless I go to the cheap place."
The Lost Dog
"...and if you happen to find a black hair under my shirt tonight, it's not what you think, it's just puppy love."
The New Statue
"...and maybe later on this evening, when we're sitting out by the lake and you hear a loud noise and a lot of wind, you can be sure that I'm responsible."
The Big Thing
"I'd like to give you my prize, 'cause you are the big thing in my life. And I hope that makes up for what I yelled on the roller coaster. I was just using an expression, I wasn't referring to your mother in particular."
"And when our neighbors see how clean our windshield is, they'll think we have so much money, we've stopped buying self-serve gas."
"I have gained a new respect for religion. I was hoping you could maybe join me. We'd go to church and renew our vows, and on the way home, go to a motel and renew our honeymoon, providing I can renew my medical insurance."
The Not-Chicken Franchise
"I kinda lost my appetite for fast food. Or fast anything, so that should be good news."
The Science Fair
"...as soon as the smoldering goes down in my pants."
Sedgwick The Tenant
"You know, all this talk about Old Man Sedgewick and his son and everything... Got kinda thinking about maybe having a son of our own, but when I take a look at Harold, and the whole idea just..."
The Driving Lesson
"I think I'm gonna let Harold there drive me home, so you might wanna duct-tape some tires to the front of the house and wait under the basement stairs 'til they give me the all-clear."
The Tax Refund
"I'm not really gonna hurt Harold, but as you always say, it's the thought that counts..."
"...and in keeping with this religious theme, if you're in the mood to guide a lost soul to a heavenly body, I'm your man."
The Petting Zoo
"And if I yell out 'Black Beauty' in my sleep tonight, it's not what you think."
Running Of The Bulls
"You know how you've always said you'd like to have the experience of the feel of real mink? You might want to check with Junior on that."
Swiss It Up
"...and I thought maybe we could pretend we were Swiss tonight. You be Heidi and I'll be Sieki!"
"Now that we got no Historical Society, if I'm the only thing you're trying to preserve, you're gonna have to do it all on your own!"
"And I'm kinda fed up now with Orphan's Bend; liked to try my hand at Wife's Curve."
The Strange Ranger
"...and I hope the furniture is back the way I like it: in the store window."
Big Guy Little Guy
"...and I'm coming home a winner, not so much on the fame and fortune, but if you're looking to go downhill in a hurry, I'm your man."
"Sorry about the mess on my clothes. Tried to make a Spaghetti Western; ended up with a face full of tomato sauce."
"Didn't have quite the profit margin we'd hoped for on the real estate deal, so we're gonna have to put off the investment into those black velvet paintings of Elvis, but hopefully, the price won't go up!"
The Stool Pigeons
"Looks like Harold may have found a little bit of puppy love, and if it goes any farther than that, I'm gonna tell you right now: I don't want any of the pups."
"...and I'm gonna bring you some sliced bacon, but if you're looking for some shaved ham, I'm sorry, the beard stays!"
Let Me Count The Ways
"I'm gonna just pick you up, bring you right back up to the Lodge; I've got a big surprise for you in my cabin. Don't get excited, it's only decorations."
"I'm gonna be bringing Harold home. If we can't cure him, at least we can get him tuned!"
The Splinter Lodge
"...and we got no money and no agenda, so it should be a quick one. But you know, with me, sometimes the quick ones are the best ones."
The Good Old Hockey Game
"I hope you're in a romantic mood. I already suffered one shutout today."
"I'm through with fighting, but I haven't given up on the physical interaction between two adults, unless your dad comes over to watch the Golf Channel, in which case the pendulum may swing back towards violence again."
The Town Mall
"I'd like to apologize for the mall opening... and closing. But I think that's end of fireworks for one day, unless you're awake when I come home."
The Winter Carnival
"Bernice, I was hoping that maybe tonight, you get all those brochures of those retirement places down south, and we'll have ourselves the biggest fire you ever saw. I'm not dead, honey, I'm just cold!"
"...and, you know, honey, if you could figure out a way we could save ten bucks a day... You know, I'd give you five bucks a day, so hey, figure out a way to save fifteen bucks a day, eh?"
"I know I was supposed to call, but boy, I got a dandy excuse!"
Neither Rain Nor Sleet
"And, uh, better put some money aside in case the court levies a fine. Unless they mail it to me!"
The Cult Visit
"There's a chance I could be abducted by aliens later tonight, so if you have any romantic plans, we'd better get an early start."
"...and I think we should appreciate that we grew up in simpler times, before there was free love and political correctness. And you didn't have to treat anybody fairly until you were forced to through marriage."
The New Monument
"Mission accomplished with the tank thing, so... we had a bit of a D-Day, and I'm hoping that tonight will be D-Night."
"...and I learned a very valuable lesson this week: fruit kills."
The Mayor Race
"I've given up on being mayor. But I'm hoping to have another shot at being stallion."
Better To Give Than Receive
"I know I promised you my heart. You may have to settle for my giblets."
Town Services Contract
"I'm so glad I'm a guy. And I'm so glad you're not!"
"I'm hoping you'll be my biker chick in my new motorcycle gang, Satan's Second Choice!"
Mad About You
"...and I learned today that the best way to control anger is to be the boss. But of course, you knew that all along, didn't you?"
Bingo Was His Name
"...and I think I'm in need of a miracle. Perhaps a laying-on of hands."
"Looks like Harold has finally matured and grown up, but I don't see it happening to me anytime soon."
The Fishing Derby
"...and I'd really appreciate it if you'd use a little extra salt in your cooking 'cause I need to be a little extra thirsty for the next little while."
Lady In Red
"I think I'm gonna have a bath tonight. In boiling bleach."
The Bachelor Auction
"I'm so glad I stayed faithful to you over the years. I'll tell ya, being married is tough enough. Dating's even worse. I can't imagine doing both. Hats off to Frank Gifford, huh?"
"I think I'm gonna need a change of clothes 'cause I've just been touched by an angel."
School Bus Blimp
"I thought we could play a little game tonight. I'll show you some bruises and you guess how I got 'em."
Coup De Grass
"I learned one thing today: you just let nature take its course. And when I get home tonight, I hope you're gonna be awake. I'm hoping to show you what I'm talking about."
Rent A Wreck
"I gave the kinder, gentler thing a real good try, but... you know, I was afraid of getting to be so nice that you think I was cheating on you."
Curse Of The Mummy
"I'm hoping you can explain what just happened here. Unless you think it's better that I don't know, like that way you handled the whole childbirth thing."
Roll Out The Barrels
"And I learned a lot today. I kept with a stupid idea and I saw it through, but with no injury to myself or public embarrassment, because I know now, that's what friends are for."
"Nothing special to report. Put out a couple fires, lost 25 grand, I'm coming home with wet pants. Pretty average day!"
The Battle Call
"...and despite how I look, I'm gonna go right to sleep. I'm covered in flags, but they're all at half-mast."
"See you later!"
Guinness World Records
"I didn't get into the book of records. I guess that means I'm just an average guy, which is, uh, kind of a sad commentary on the state of average guys these days."
The Auto Club
"Sorry I didn't pick you up at the grocery store there. And, uh, we're having a little problem with the phones. Um... Apparently, there's a little phrase that's just coming, kind of a random– comes out of the line. It's something to do– Apparently, they tell me it's the digital convergence through an analog source on a rotary phone and... So you– you– It's possible that you might have heard what you thought was me saying 'Go suck eggs.' Um... So... But I– But I looked into it and I found the problem, and it won't happen again, I promise."
Too Much Information
"...and yes, I know it's the computer age, but let's not forget about personal interaction. When I get home, I wanna show you that I'm user friendly."
Season 10 Edit
"And it turns out that all those things you said about men and sausages are absolutely correct. Let's just leave it there."
"You made the right call sending me on a fishing trip. I'd rather catch a big one than tell a big one. And then be a big one."
What A Dump
"You know how you're always saying that the city's so far ahead of us in clothes and coffee shops and youth crime? Well, apparently, when it comes to pollution, we're smokin' 'em!"
"...that man is NOT me! When I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal ID and I think you know what I mean by that!"
"And I think I learned if you can't go backwards, you need to go forward, and when I come home tonight, I'm hoping to go forward unless you think that's too forward, in which case you go either backwards with the lights on (?) twice."
Who Wants To Be A Smart Guy
"...and I think, you know, studying and learning all this trivia stuff, so you're good at a game, that's not our style here at the lodge. We prefer to get our knowledge by accident."
The Beaver Dam
"I learned a lot this week. 'Course, you always learn a lot when you see nature at work. I'm really looking forward to night school."
The Dandruff Foundation
"And I'm bringing you a great gift: fifty boxes of earrings, all lefts! And I know the guys who left 'em!"
Damn You Emu
"...and I was all backwards on this emu thing, you know? You take a look at the word 'emu' and you flip it around, you got 'u-me'! That's where I should've been spending my time and money. Huh? Now, was that sappy enough, or do I still have to buy flowers?"
No Duct Tape
"Looks like we can get started on that house addition right away!"
Season 11 Edit
New Job In Town
"I did not get the big $60,000 job, but Harold did, which is close enough, 'cause I figure, in the next two weeks, somebody's bound to kill him. We'll get the money sooner or later."
"...and I had another life lesson today. I learned that it's better to die by the sword than to have a same-sex love scene with an ex-con."
The Whooping Crane
"And with all these cranes flying around here today, I was wondering if maybe you and I might do a little whooping it up ourselves tonight."
Back To Nature
"...and actually, I saved you the embarrassment of showing the whole world what you have to look at every night. Well, maybe not every night, but hopefully tonight."
Dalton's Hot Gift
"I've been reminded tonight of our dating years, 'cause Mike was looking at me exactly the way your dad used to."
Viva Las Possums
"Harold is doing an Elvis thing tonight here. I hope he sings 'Treat Me Like a Fool'; he's been rehearsing for it his whole life."
"...and I'll be coming home hungry. You know, you always tell me to watch what I eat. I couldn't even look at that dinner. So I was hoping, maybe later, we could have a big steak, and then after, we could have a little sizzle."
The Ghost Of Possum Lodge
"I don't care what I've ever said in the past, I like all your relatives who had ever been born since the beginning of time."
The Chainsaw Races
"...and you were dead right about the chainsaw races, we're never doing that again. We're going belt sanders next year."
Something In The Heir
"Let me rephrase that: I'll be coming home straight after the meeting."
"We made a little mistake today. Harold and I thought that Mike could be an entertainer, but, y'know, he didn't go over all that well."
Mike Goes Straight
"I think it was Abraham Lincoln who said, 'The law's an ass.' I guess he knew Mike."
Xmas In July
"...and I'm really hoping there's something for me under the tree tonight. Or even better, I'm hoping I can actually come into the house."
The Fishing Derby
"And somebody got that saying wrong. Okay, a picture is worth a thousand words, but they're four-letter words."
"And watch out for some guy dressed like me. He's an ex-con. He's trying to sub in on my conjugal visit."
"Boy, oh, boy! Harold is abandoning his whole plan to renovate the lodge. That's gotta be great news. And he actually paid off the debt, and that's about as much radical change as we can absorb at one time!"
Season 12 Edit
"...and I'm thinking, maybe this weekend, we should go visit your parents. After what I've been through today, I figure I can survive anything."
A Lot Like Christmas
"...and, um, won't you do me a favor? Clean out the fireplace, I dress as Santa, Harold's driving the van, pretty good chance we can end up on the roof somewhere."
"...and, uh, don't worry, I know how to get home, I had a lot of fun at the Lodge, but none of these guys have what you got, and if they ever get it, I'm quittin'."
Season 13 Edit
You've Got Oil
"...and, uh, don't worry, just because we have a water slide at the lodge, doesn't mean I'm gonna be spending more time up here. I still know where the real amusement park is."
"...and I mean straight home!"
"I gotta get out of here; I haven't seen this many men crying since they cancelled Baywatch."
Change Will Do You Good
"Okay, maybe I never got my wish to come true, but hey, thanks to me, neither did your dad."
The Spelling Bee
"Real tense day. I'm hoping for a little relief when I don't spell it 'R-O-L-A-I-D'."
Season 14 Edit
Red's Hot Sauce
"...and I am out of the barbecue business. I'm hoping you and I can cook something later now that I'm off the sauce."
"Got great news. It's okay with me if you invite your parents over for the evening on, uh, November 23rd."
"The tower fell over, the dish is in the lake, and our TV set blew up, but I'm hoping I'll get a lot better reception when I come home."
The Butter Man
"And I don't need any navigational system to find my way; I'm a homer. And I'm hoping to hit a homer."
Season 15 Edit
Do As I Do
"And after doing all these television shows, I think I'm ready to go back to live performances."