The complete transcript for The Beer Project



{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: If you do an anthropological study of civilizations through history, you'll find that men historically have five basic needs: food, shelter, clothing, sex, and alcoholic beverages. {the title "The Beer Project" is displayed} And sometimes, those last two are reversed. Alcohol is very ceremonial, for toasting at dinner parties, for communion at church, they even drink booze at treaty signings. And when you see the kind of mess the world is in, it's pretty obvious that alcohol is involved somewhere in the negotiations. It just seems that whenever you get men together, you get fermentation. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequenceEdit

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Buzz looking at a piece of paper while Red stands nearby.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} On today's show...

{Cut to Red swinging a pickax at a refrigerator. He hits the door of the freezer, where the pickax sticks.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...we're gonna show you how to brew your own beer.

{Cut to Dougie standing in a corner of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got Dougie Franklin driving his monster truck around.

{Cut to Dalton, smiling and waving.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We get up close and personal with Dalton Humphrey...

{Cut to Bill, wearing a lot of padding and a face mask, swinging a lacrosse racquet to unstick a lacrosse ball in it, causing it to fly through the air. Red tries to catch the ball with his own lacrosse racquet, but it's too high for him. It hits one of the Possum Van's rear-view mirrors and knocks it off, much to Red's annoyance.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill is gonna take a look at lacrosse, which is Canada's national sport, which I'm not.

Plot Segment 1Edit

{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}

HAROLD GREEN: And here he is, your hero, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} my uncle, Red Green!

{Red enters, waving to everyone. Harold applauds and howls.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you. And now, here's your antihero, Mr. Anti-Everything, with the exception of ante up, {points to Harold} my nephew, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Don't be jealous.

{Harold plays his switcher. A monster truck, looking like Dougie's, zooms across the switcher.}

HAROLD GREEN: I'm an electric magician.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Good. {points to switcher} Saw that thing in half, will ya? {to camera} Bit of a setback this week. The beer store called up and said that if we would pay our tab, they could repave the parking lot and buy a new fleet of trucks. And we kinda twigged onto the idea that perhaps we're spending a little too much money on beer.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I agree. I think everyone should just cut back on their consumption around here.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Cut back? Oh, no, no, we're gonna brew our own beer, Harold. {back to camera} All we need is {holds out left hand and points to fingers with right index finger} pure water, brewer's yeast, hops, barley, sugar and containers to put the beer in. We got everything but the pure water.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, maybe you should start by brewing small amounts. That would limit the size of a potential explosion.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Well, Harold, that's just not the way we do things around here, all right? You know, the ancient Romans brewed beer, Harold. {repeatedly prods Harold with index finger} In fact, every great western civilization brewed beer. Did you know that?

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to himself repeatedly} Yes, I did. {Red nods} And did you know that at some point, every great civilization collapsed? {holds up hands} Connection, perhaps?

RED GREEN: Harold, if it's good enough for Julius Caesar, it's good enough for Possum Lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: Veni, vidi, vomiti. I came, I saw, I ralphed. {plays switcher}

Segue: Dougie FranklinEdit

{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: You're watching The Red Green Show, and nobody can stop you!

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by banging two empty beer cans together.}


Oh, we're out here squashing beer cans
In the middle of the night.
They go off like tomatoes
If the man just hits 'em right.
Yes, we love to squash those beer cans,
Drive 'em into the ground.
We just squashed a can of Perrier.
We're obviously getting too close to town.

Meet Your MemberEdit

{Red is seated in a chair in another area of the lodge. Next to him is Dalton Humphrey. They are seated together around a table.}

RED GREEN: Today on "Meet Your Member", we got the owner of Humphrey's Everything Store, Dalton Humphrey. {Dalton raises his hand briefly} Dalton is actually the only guy at the lodge who has a steady income.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, it's, uh, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there, Red. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. Maybe we'll just get away from that stuff, and you can tell us a little bit about, say, your family life, your background, growing up, y'know, that kinda thing.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, I, uh, I grew up very poor. Five kids in a one-room shack. And, uh, none of us had a stitch of clothing, 'cause drapes were cheaper.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh, sure, yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: And, uh, well, the eldest finally got some clothes, and, uh... 'course, I was the youngest, so all I got was hand-me-downs, and... I hated that. I hated it.

RED GREEN: Well, I had hand-me-downs; they're not that bad.

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, all I had were sisters.

RED GREEN: Make it tough getting a date, I would think.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Sure taught me the value of a dollar, I'll bet. Then, of course, I learned how to sew. And I married the girl who taught me how to sew.


DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh yes. Of course, there was a nicer girl who lived across town. I liked her a lot better, but... well, not enough to justify the bus fare.

RED GREEN: Now, uh, now, your daughter. Tell us how she fits into the picture here. You haven't mentioned her yet.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she's fine.


DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah, she's– she's grown up now.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh, she spends more on a dress than I spend on a car. Forty dollars on a dress! Can you believe that?

RED GREEN: So she has money, then?

DALTON HUMPHREY: No, she has my money.


Handyman CornerEdit

Commercial bumperEdit

Red's PoetryEdit

Plot Segment 2Edit

Segue: Dougie Franklin 2Edit

{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: {crossing arms} It's very seldom that people like us get a chance to do a television show, and (?).

Visit With Ranger GordEdit

Harold's SegmentEdit

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red drives the Possum Van up to an open field out near the woods. He parks next to a pile of sports equipment and gets out the van. He walks up to the pile and looks around, cupping his hands around his mouth as though calling out to someone, likely Bill. Time for "Adventures With Bill"! And all we have to do is find him. Bill? Bill!
Suddenly, the pile collapses as Bill, wearing a helmet, padding and a face mask and holding a lacrosse racquet in each hand gets up. He throws his arms out to Red and walks over to hug him. Bill playfully pokes Red on his stomach and then hands him one of the racquets, which Red takes. Bill then waves Red along and walks off, Red following. Bill briefly stops to point to Red's racquet, then continues walking while Red stays behind. Oh, there he is. Now, a lot of times, people have padding on, they do stuff they wouldn't ordinarily do. At least I hope you wouldn't ordinarily do that. Uh, you've guessed already that Bill's gonna do a little bit of lacrosse here for us today. Give me the one bat there. He wants me to– You want me– Yeah, I understand, Bill. You want me to stand there, he's gonna go probably...
Bill walks over to a box labeled "Acme Lacrosse Balls". He bends down and picks up a ball from the box. He places the ball in the net of the lacrosse racquet and then swings the bat forward to hurl the ball. Red raises his lacrosse bat in the air to catch the ball. But he never caught it, because the ball never came. He looks around in confusion, looking for the ball. Bill looks confused, as well, and then notices that his ball is still in the net of his lacrosse racquet. Bill shrugs. ...pick up a couple lacrosse balls, try and throw one at me, 'cause apparently, you know, there's some trick to catching a lacrosse ball with these things, and, uh, he wants to, I guess, make me look stupid. And... What happened there? Did I miss that? Where'd that go? I didn't see that. I didn't even see that. I didn't see it, Bill. Well, that's why I didn't see it. It's right there!
Bill swings his racquet, but the ball doesn't move. He shakes the racquet around and the ball finally falls down on the ground. He then places the ball back in the lacrosse netting. He then swings the racquet to throw the ball, but he accidentally throws it backward. There's a trick to throwing the ball with those things. No. No. No. No. Oh, there you go! Nice toss. Put 'er in there. Need a little padding on there. I don't understand. Oh, oh, oh!
Meanwhile, Harold walks along, reading a magazine. The lacrosse ball hits Harold on the head and knocks him out, falling on the ground as he does. Bill tries to call out to Harold, who lies there. Bill waves dismissively. Oh, look, there's Harold! Must be tired. Bill's not all that concerned with Harold. You can't be concerned with people and have Bill's behavior patterns. That's a boy, Bill. Don't worry about it.
Bill bends down and picks up another lacrosse ball. He places it in his racquet, winds up, and flings the ball from his racquet. But the ball is too high for Red to catch. It flies over his head and hits the left rear-view mirror of the Possum Van, knocking it off. So Bill's gonna try another one. Toss her in here, Bill! Toss her! Way high, way high! Oh!
Red looks at the camera with annoyance at what Bill had done. Meanwhile, Bill shrugs and picks up still another lacrosse ball. He places this in his racquet and throws it toward Red. But Red is looking away, still dwelling on the van, and not noticing the ball coming at him. It hims on the head and knocks him out. Boy, when I think of the number of times Bill has either knocked my mirror off or broken my window or put a dent in the side of the van or stuck a knife into a tire or blown the whole thing up, I can't imagine being so stupid! Oh! Maybe I shouldn't be thinking about that right now.
Realizing what he had done, Bill takes off his face mask and calls out to Red, who lies there, knocked out. Bill turns to the camera and gestures toward Red with a look of reassurance. He waves dismissively and bends down to pick up yet another lacrosse ball. He puts it in his lacrosse racquet and is suddenly beaned by another ball, which knocks him down. Red, who had thrown the ball, blows on his racquet and looks at the camera with a big smile. Oh, I'm fine, Bill. Never felt better in my life. Thanks for asking. No, I'm fine. Don't you worry about it. No, don't you worry about it. Yeah, yeah, I am fine. Told you I was fine.
Cut to a later scene. Red is holding a baseball bat in his hand. He tosses lacrosse ball in the air, then swings his bat at them, hitting the and sending them toward Bill. Bill tries to catch the balls in his lacrosse net, but misses them. He finally catches one ball in his racquet. He takes off his face mask and jumps around with delight. Then suddenly, another ball comes at him and hits him on the head, knocking him out. All right, to make it safer now, I'm gonna knock a few balls. Now, Bill said to me, "Just keep– Grab the balls and hit them at me, okay? Just keep 'em coming." That's what he said. That's important. He said keep 'em coming. Now, he caught one. He got all excited.
Later still, Bill picks up lacrosse balls with his racquet and uses it to throw the balls at Red. Red swings his bat at the balls that come at him and he hits them, sending them flying away. He had said keep 'em coming. This way, we're a little safer. He's gonna throw 'em at me, and I'm gonna bat 'em. And now nobody's in danger. Well, almost nobody. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
Meanwhile, Harold comes to as balls fly around him. Two balls him in succession, stunning him each time. Then he starts coming to again as two more balls fly past him. Then one more ball hits him on the head and knocks him out for good. Strike one... Strike two... Oh boy. Ball... Ball... Strike three. He's out.

Commercial bumperEdit

Plot Segment 3Edit

Segue: Dougie Franklin 3Edit

{Dougie stands in a corner of the lodge.}

DOUGIE FRANKLIN: If there's any eligible women out there, I'm available. And, uh, I'm happy to announce that I have the only monster truck, and the biggest one in the Possum Lake area. I prefer who are petite, blonde, and, uh, kind of on the slim side, and aren't afraid of loud noises.

Handyman Corner 2Edit

Visit With Buzz SherwoodEdit

Plot Segment 4Edit

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