The Drive-Thru/Transcript

The complete transcript for The Drive-Thru

Plot Segment 3

WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW

You know, one of the toughest

lessons a man has to learn

is that nothing

lasts forever.

Think of all the unpleasant

experiences you've had

with phrases like,

"best before,"

or, "past due."

or in the case

of this umbrella,

"limited warranty."

but I'm not throwin'

this baby out.

No sir.

The time ever comes when

the world turns its

back on something

just because

it's old and useless,

well, that'll be a sad day

for me and most of my fans.

You're gonna love this one.

You know how you

get those ugly rust stains

under inside rim

of your toilet

and you can't get a

brush to reach in there?

Well, now you can.

Just stick a few sponges

onto the arms of your

stripped umbrella.

As for the handle,

well, that just happens to fit

into the chuck of my

cordless drill.

I call it the umbrush,

patent pending.

Guess it is bad luck to open

these things indoors.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ ♪♪♪ ]

thank you very much.

Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Actually, we had a nasty

accident on the highway

into town just now.

Delivery truck full of

hamburger meat.

They kinda jack-knifed her,

turned her right over.

The driver's okay,

but that's a heck of a way

to flip your burgers.

Okay, uncle red!

I think that's

the last one.

All right, did you

look in all the potholes?

Oh yeah!

It gets pretty dark five

or six feet down, though.

That road is

a safety hazard.

Well, they don't call it

route 911 for nothing.

So are you gonna apologize

to that driver for

cutting him off?

Okay, first of all,

he was passing on a hill.

And maybe if he kept

both hands on the wheel,

instead of taking one off

to give me the bird...

Well, you know

what I think?

It doesn't matter

what you think, harold.

You'd know that

if you were married.

Hey, hey, did you

guys see the accident?!

No, we didn't, and we

don't have any free meat.

Well, what's this?

Free meat.

El toro?

El toro, yeah.

Well, it -- gee,

it looks kinda funny.

What kind of

meat is this?

I believe it's

ground chuck.

You don't know that.

Hey, it was chucked

on the ground.

Well, you better

hide this stuff,

coz we're gonna have

a whole lotta visitors.

That truck is right

across the highway,

and the cops say until

the crane gets here,

they have to redirect

traffic right past

the lodge.

Wait a second.

We're gonna have hundreds of

cars going by the lodge

and we got thousands

of burgers.

Yeah, what are

you thinking?

Well, I may be crazy,

but I'm thinking

fast food drive-thru.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh, you are crazy!

[ applause ]

it's time for the

possum lodge word game!

[ cheers and applause ]

today ed frid will be

playing for one free wash

from the possum lake school of

dry cleaning and philosophy,

where our motto is,

I shrink therefore I am.

All right, ed,

cover your ears.

Red, you've got 30 seconds

to get ed frid to say

this word...

Yeah, all right,

winston.

And... Go!

Okay, ed,

this is something

that your dog catches.

The croup.

No, okay, no.

Something your dog catches

that falls out of a tree.

Oh! Dead birds.

No, uh... Okay,

when you want

something to go your way,

you walk softly

and carry a big...

Tranquilizer gun.

No, no, no.

Okay, if you put krazy glue

on something, it will...

Require medical attention.

Almost outta time, red.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, I know, ed, what

does a postage stamp do?

It goes up in price.

Yeah, the government always

finds a way to stick it to ya!

There you go!

If your leaves are turning

colour and it's only July,

maybe it's time to give

rothschild's a try.

Bernice wants me to

take up the game of golf.

I said no.

I told her, if I wanna

play 36 holes a day,

I'll buy a harmonica.

She didn't laugh either.

So instead I went down

to the local golf course,

but it's way

too expensive.

75 bucks for a round,

but only 20 for a cart.

I know a deal

when I see one.

So instead of playing golf,

I gave 'em 40 bucks

and took two carts.

But it turns out the

joke was kinda on me,

coz these carts

are not the same.

This one has got

a gas engine in her,

while this one is electric

and runs off of car batteries.

Maybe that's why

they were so cheap.

But you know that

old saying,

if life gives you lemons,

throw them into a quart

of vodka.

I've been reading about

these fancy hybrid cars

that have a gas engine

and an electric motor

and they switch back

and forth between the two

to give you great gas mileage

and also save the environment.

And I'm thinkin', hey,

I can combine these

two golf carts

and make my very own

hybrid car of the future.

All's I have to do is take

the engine out of the

gas-powered one

and add it to the

electric one.

That's a lot safer than

taking the electric

motor out.

Nobody ever got electrocuted

by a gasoline engine.

Holy --

now, the fancy hybrid cars,

they have computers

and other things

that I don't trust

that decide when to run gas

and when to run electric.

I prefer the

simple approach.

I'm runnin' them

both all the time.

I got the electric

motor runnin' this wheel,

and I got the gas engine

runnin' the other wheel.

So they're each

doin' half the work.

Kinda like what your wife

had in mind when she

married you.

Okay, that's the mechanics of

the hybrid car taken care of.

Now I want to do something

about the appearance.

Here again, I want her

to look sharp and futuristic,

but I didn't wanna

spend any money.

I already got 40 bucks

into the unit,

and that's probably pretty

close to all she's worth.

So I'm going with a couple

of these old school

satellite dishes.

You can pick these up pretty

cheap during a wind storm.

Nobody wants 'em anyway,

coz the new dishes are

the size of a contact lens,

and everybody need to

get rid of these babies.

That's because people

have no imagination.

I mean, you drop an outboard

motor into that centre hole,

you got a go-anywhere

fishing boat.

Or here's one!

You see, the way these

babies are designed,

they focus all the satellite

signals into the centre.

Well, they do the

same thing with sound.

Supposing you had a teenage

daughter sitting in

the driveway

in her boyfriend's car.

Wouldn't you wanna hear

everything that's going on?

Well, all you have to do

is stand in the middle,

and point the dish

at the car,

then you'll hear

everything crystal clear.

[ horn honking ]

holy cr --

is this a beauty

or what, huh?

And I attached a hinge

assembly from a car hood,

to allow easy access

for the driver.

Kinda looks like a

big oyster, doesn't it?

And you want a

decent latch on there,

because if this oyster

blows open at 80 clicks,

you're shot.

She's sleek, isn't she?

And she's aerodynamic.

And thanks to the hybred

gas-electric engine

configuration,

she's also fuel efficient.

See, even the headlights are

innovative on this thing.

Sure they're just standard

lanterns and so on,

but instead of runnin'

off the car battery,

they're runnin'

off that solar panel.

Always thinkin'.

So remember, if the women

don't find ya handsome,

they should at

least find you handy.

I've seen the future,

and it's me driving

a big suppository.

[ applause ]

I wanna talk to you older guys

about the change of life.

And it's never more obvious

than when you go to

the rest room.

At whitey's tavern there

in port asbestos,

and I noticed they

had an ad over the urinal.

And I'm thinking,

well, how dumb is this?

Like, to me, going to the

bathroom has nothing to

do with going shopping.

I mean, I'm not there

to pick up anything.

And I sure didn't

have time to read the ad.

I mean, I was on the go.

But golly, you know, like

maybe three, four years later,

I'm back at the same place

and I find I do have

time to read them.

And a couple years

after that I was in there,

and I could read all the ads,

even the fine print,

look at all the pictures, even

memorize a toll-free number

where you can get a free sample

of the shampoo on there.

And now I'm at the point

I'm hoping they'll put up

some sort of a short

story up there

so I don't get

bored with it.

And that's when

it hit me.

I have changed.

Thanks to those ads

in the rest rooms,

hey, I'm reading way

faster than I used to!

Remember,

I'm pullin' for ya;

we're all in

this together.

[ applause ]

mike: You ever think how your

life might have been different

if you hadn't made certain

stupid mistakes?

Dalton: Oh, baby, how about

the time I forgot our 20th

wedding anniversary?

Oh, yeah! Ann marie

was pretty put out?

No, red, ann marie

was ticked off.

I was put out.

Oh, that's right.

He slept in the possum van

for three weeks.

Bernice thought

I'd adopted him.

You can't be forgetting the

wedding anniversaries, dalton.

It's kinda ironic that the

second dumbest thing

you ever did

was to forget the

dumbest thing you ever did.

You know what you need is one

of those page a day calendars.

Then you put the wedding

anniversary right in there.

No, I hate those.

A new page every day.

That's every day

that goes by,

tear a new one,

tear a new one.

Well, it's better than

ann marie tearing

you a new one.

My biggest mistake

was my first bank

robbery.

Crime doesn't pay,

does it, mike?

Not the

way I do it.

What went wrong?

Well, first of all,

I couldn't find a mask,

so I had to use

the drive-thru.

So I wrote a note to the

teller saying this

is a hold-up,

and I put the note

in the little tube,

and I sent it in.

She figure out

it was you?

Well, yeah, coz I wrote it on

the back of one of my

own cheques.

Were they mad

when they saw the note?

No, they were laughing.

I wanted them to know

I meant business, right,

so I sent my gun

in with it.

Dalton: That's the worst

things about mistakes.

Having to explain it

to your wife.

Red: Amen.

Oh yeah? Try explaining

to your mother you got

caught robbing a bank.

Especially when she's

sittin' at home waiti''

for her cut.

[ applause ]

well, the possum lodge

drive-thru is pretty

much ready to go.

We've had some negative response

to the name "possum lodge"

as a fast food place.

Coz possums are

not exactly fast,

and not exactly food.

C'mon, harold,

you're runnin'

a bit late!

Ordinarily, I would

dock your cheque.

You're lucky I'm

not paying you.

Well, you just wait to

see what I got in here.

I've got

our speaker box.

Oh, boy!

That's great, harold.

Listen to this.

You're fully automated.

Really?

As red: Welcome to possum lodge,

may I take your order?

That's great.

Speaker box repeating:

Welcome to possum lodge,

may I take your order?

Can you stop it,

harold?

Box keeps repeating:

Welcome to possum lodge,

may I take your order?

It's getting annoying.

You're telling me,

I live with ya.

You push the button

and you stop.

You're supposed to stop.

Why won't you stop?!!!

I'm going to make

you stop!

Just shut up!

There you go.

Right. Yeah.

Take it outside and put

it by the end of the lane.

I was -- yeah...

We still got a fair whack of

traffic going by here,

which is good coz I don't

think these el toro burgers

will keep forever.

But who knows?

You know, when

something smells bad,

it's hard to tell

when it turns bad.

[ buzzer ]

yeah? Yeah?

Can I help you?

Winston: Uh, yes, I'd like

an el toro burger

and hold the onions.

You can hold the onions,

just pick 'em off the burger.

You want fries with that?

Winston: Uh, no thanks.

Too bad. They're

in there anyway,

just drop 5 bucks

into the bait pail,

and drive to the

second window.

Winston: Okay. Hey, do you guys

have any action figures?

Oh man.

Yeah. Okay.

You're gettin'

a wiggly wally.

Winston: I already

have a wiggly wally!

Okay, you're getting

a wobbly wendy.

[ cheers and applause ]

red: Having a little

lumberjack competition

with the two-man saw

out behind the lodge.

Yeah, we see,

beautiful sign, harold.

The spelling is

perfect and everything.

And walter come

with a chain saw,

he's always kiddin' around

with stuff like this.

There you go.

Heheheh.

That's not actually --

see, there's the saws

we're using,

not the chain saw.

It's the old

two-man saw thing.

Oh, boy!

This has gotta be --

ohhhh, very sensible.

Look out,

here it comes.

And just let her

go through.

It'll be fine,

it's headin' for the lake.

So we divide into

two teams here,

so harold is gonna

go onto team two

and the rest of us

decided to be on team one.

Well, now --

no, that's good.

Wha -- what?

Oh, yeah, ohhhh.

Oh, for gosh sake.

Yeah, okay, walter, you go.

Away you go, you go,

you go...

He wants to do the

paper, scissors, rock thing,

and if you win,

you lose.

You're the winner,

which means you're the loser,

away you go.

Get the high-five goin'.

High-five on the other side,

and away we start.

You okay there, harold?

Okay, so the way it works

is the one team times

the other team.

And I spit on my hands,

dalton's got a saliva --

couldn't get

it goin' there,

so he just licks

his palms.

So we get her goin'.

It starts and then we go.

And look at dalton

faking it here.

The handle come right off and

he's just pretending to --

so we got her

taped back on

and now we get

another start.

It was just

a false start.

Away we go,

all right we're going,

and just hard work,

I'm telling you.

In the old days they put a lot

of effort into things.

Okay, so...

Later that day...

Okay, done!

All right,

and check the time,

and okay, no, it wasn't --

it wasn't real great.

No, we're not exactly

world record holders.

Now walter and harold

give her a go,

and walter's a strong lookin' --

what do I do?

I didn't say "go" until right,

and... Go!

Harold had let go.

Just get that.

Grab it, grab it, harold.

Heheheh, I'm lovin' this.

There you go.

Work your way down the handle.

Nope! Nope. Nope. Nope.

There you got it.

There you go.

Wow, love that back brace,

don't you?

That could get -- ohhhh!

And now you're caught,

you're caught!

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, oh boy.

Oh!

And they're gone.

Oh my gosh!

We have a winner

and it's not us.

Congratulations, walter.

Congratulations, harold.

You okay?

Didn't think so.

There's nothing worse

than getting ready for

an important interview

with a law

enforcement officer

only to realise there are

more wrinkles in your pants

than there are in your

face or in your alibi.

Now, some people solve the

problem with one of these...

This is an

electric kettle.

They only sell

these in canada.

Maybe because we

have more electricity

or more fire departments,

I dunno.

The point is you can use these

to steam the wrinkles

out of your pants.

The problem being,

you may not own one

of these kettles

or maybe you don't

wanna take your pants off.

Especially if that's

what got you the

law enforcement interview

in the first place.

So I'm gonna show you how you

can use a pair of hip waders

and some old dryer hose

to do the same job,

quicker and easier.

Okay, once I get

these babies airtight,

the steam from the rad will

take the wrinkles out

of my pants

in about 30 seconds.

Nobody has to iron

or steam,

and best of all, you don't

have to feel deprived

just because

you're not canadian.

I'm gettin' a fair amount of

pressure out of this unit.

'scuse me while I

let off a little steam.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we interrupt the

red green show

so that I may bring you

the following important

environmental message.

Greetings, campers,

ranger gord here

with another one

of my patented...

Oh, say, now,

here's a christmas

card in the making.

A couple of sniffling

snowmen out for a ski.

But little do they know that

danger lurks overhead!

See that? An imposing shelf of

snow atop a nearby cliff.

Just waiting to turn

into a deadly avalanche.

Folks, the tiniest

sound could set it off.

A broken twig.

Oh.

The shot of a gun!

Or could even be

the crash of a cymbal.

Shhh! Quiet, gord.

You wanna trigger

an avalanche?

Bad move, red.

With your thoughtless shouting,

you've triggered an avalanche.

Here, quick, take these

umbrellas to protect

yourselves.

So remember, folks,

you can't protect yourselves

from an avalanche

with tiny cartoon

umbrellas.

It's just common sense.

[ hearty laugh ]

[ applause ]

well, the possum lodge

drive-thru has lost its drive,

and it's through.

They opened up

the highway,

so now the cars

don't have to come

within 10 miles of the

lodge if they don't want to,

and believe me,

they don't want to.

Actually,

it's just as well.

We were running out of the

el toro burgers anyway.

They're not too bad,

I mean, if you go heavy on

the ketchup and light

on the chewing.

Boy oh boy, uncle red,

these burgers

are pretty good.

They're not bad.

I guess you can

get used to anything.

You're telling me?

You're my nephew,

harold.

How many of those

have you had anyway?

Just a couple.

Hundred!

Oh man.

They're good.

Harold! You gotta tell everyone

to stop eatin' those burgers!

Why?

What's wrong

with 'em?

Well, they tasted

a little funny to me,

so I did some research.

El toro products

don't serve cattle,

they serve to cattle.

We've been eating

cattle feed?

Well, actually,

it's a drug supplement.

El toro is bull viagara.

[ possum squealing ]

meeting time,

uncle red.

You guys go ahead,

I'll be right down.

You go first.

[ applause ]

I'm thinkin' harold

is in for a rough night.

If my wife is watchin',

I'll be coming straight

home after the meeting.

And I mean straight home!

And to the rest of you,

thanks for watchin'.

On behalf of myself and harold

and the whole gang up here

at possum lodge

keep your stick on the ice!

[ cheers and applause ]

everyone have a seat.

Quick quick quick.

Sit down. Sit down.

All rise.

Quando omni flunkus moritati.

Red: Sit down.

Bow your heads for

the man's prayer.

I'm a man, but I can change,

if I have to... I guess.

Okay, we all got to get home.

We got things to do.

So if there's no other business,

hey, let's get outta here!

Let's go!

[ ♪ ]