The complete transcript for The Good Old Hockey Game
Intro[]
{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}
HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} Whoo! And now, here he is, the lion in winter. More like lyin' on the living room couch, actually. Your host, your hero, my uncle, Red Green!
{Harold points toward the Lodge entrance, through which Red enters, wearing a coat. Outside, it visibly white with snow as winter has come. Red waves to the audience, who applauds.}
RED GREEN: Thank you very much! All right. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the Lodge this week. Possum Lake has finally frozen right over.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, no, no, it doesn't really freeze, it congeals.
RED GREEN: Well, hey, whatever, Harold. The thing is, we can skate on it now. Man, we love that, to get out there and skate. 'Course, the problem now is we got these Yuppie cottagers up here. You know what they wanna do on the lake? They wanna go curling!
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, that's excellent!
RED GREEN: No...
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, curling's excellent! It's a great sport! Oh, yeah, you should try curling, Uncle Red!
RED GREEN: Harold, if Bernice sees me with a broom in my hand, it's all over, buddy! {back to audience} So we got– we got the classic argument going on now, y'know, 'cause we wanna be playing hockey and they wanna be curling, you know? So it's kinda like the cattle ranchers against the sheep farmers.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, don't let them pull the wool over your ice. {laughs; to audience} "Wool over your ice," I said to him! Because it's like "Wool over your eyes," but it's different! {laughs again} I said that!
RED GREEN: It's easy for you; you can change channels!
Title sequence[]
{The New Red Green Show intro plays. Cut to a shot of the Possum Van, decked out like a snowplow, driving off on a snow-covered road.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here's a few scenes from this week's show. As you can see, we're going with kind of a winter...
{Cut to a shot of Harold dressed as a hockey goalie, with the face mask done in a caricature of his own face.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...theme from beginning to end, getting into all different types of sports. There's...
{Cut to a shot of Bill trying to stand on a snowboard, which slides down a hill, taking him with it.}
RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...one type of sport right there. But don't worry, we're still going downhill fast.
Plot Segment 2[]
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge. Red is carrying a sports bag, which he puts on the ground.}
HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I didn't think you had to be so rude to those curlers.
RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, they were asking for it. You know what they were wearing? Matching sweaters.
HAROLD GREEN: I thought they looked sharp!
RED GREEN: Oh, yeah, you think acne looks sharp. Believe me, Harold, I was more than fair. I offered them a fair compromise.
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Yeah, right! You said they could use the rink from midnight till dawn.
RED GREEN: That's when the ice is the best.
HAROLD GREEN: How about the fact that it's pitch black and there's no lights out?
RED GREEN: You don't have to see to curl, Harold! All you need is a high boredom tolerance, and matching sweaters. {picks up sports bag again} Anyway, we came up with a pretty good solution, I think.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, okay, okay! {to audience} You know what their solution was? I'll tell you because you don't know. You know what it is? All the guys in Possum Lodge challenged the curlers to a hockey game, and whoever wins gets first dibs on the ice.
RED GREEN: {laughing} Yeah. We're gonna beat 'em so bad, they're gonna have to fly home on their brooms! {holds up sports bag} Yeah, went up in the attic there, got out all my old hockey equipment. I used to play for the Possum Lake Industrial League.
{Red tips the bag over and spills out the contents: lots of beer cans and glass beer bottles. The audience cheers. Harold is outraged.}
HAROLD GREEN: {shouting at audience} DON'T! DO NOT ENCOURAGE HIM!
RED GREEN: No...
HAROLD GREEN: {shouting} Do not do that!
RED GREEN: {overlapping} Harold? Harold? Harold? Harold?
HAROLD GREEN: This is disgusting! Do not!
RED GREEN: Harold? Harold? Harold, it's not– Harold? We were sponsored by our brewery, that's all, okay? It sure came in handy when we had to flood the rink.
{Harold takes the bag and rummages through it.}
HAROLD GREEN: I still think it's disgusting! What else you got in there? Like, guns and knives and mace and– and brass knuckles?
RED GREEN: Just my jock, I think.
{Harold pauses with his face in the bag.}
Red's Campfire Song[]
{Harold accompanies Red by clicking two spoons together.}
RED GREEN:
- Oh, a horse with a horn is called a unicorn.
- A horse with stripes is called a zebra.
- A horse with wings is called Pegasus.
- And a horse with a broken leg is called glue.
The Possum Lodge Word Game[]
{Red and Dalton are seated at a table, and Harold stands behind them.}
HAROLD GREEN: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game! {laughs, then walks up closer to the table} This week, Mr. Dalton Humphrey of the Humphrey Everything Store is playing for the grand prize of... {holds up whistle} ...this whistle! {laughs} Whistle's supplied by Murray's Outdoor Store.
{Harold puts the whistle in his mouth and tries to blow it, but it makes no sound. Harold coughs.}
HAROLD GREEN: Wonder why he donated it? That thing's broke! {gives whistle to Dalton} Unless, of course, I got some corn chips stuck in there from my retainer again.
{Dalton tries to blow the whistle. Still, it makes no sound, but then the sounds of dogs barking are heard from offscreen. Red, Harold and Dalton all look around, confused.}
HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red!
RED GREEN: Yeah?
HAROLD GREEN: You have thirty seconds to get Mr. Dalton Humphrey to say this word...
{Dalton covers his ears while Harold pulls out and shows to the audience the sign displaying the game's featured word, which is...}
HAROLD GREEN: Compromise. Compromise. {sets sign down on table} And go!
{Dalton takes his hands away from his ears.}
RED GREEN: All right, Dalton, a happy medium.
DALTON HUMPHREY: The Amazing Kreskin.
RED GREEN: No, no, when something is 50/50.
DALTON HUMPHREY: A hundred!
RED GREEN: Okay, okay, let's say you and your wife have an argument...
DALTON HUMPHREY: Normal.
RED GREEN: Okay, okay, but the two of you come to an agreement after a discussion, okay? There's been a...
DALTON HUMPHREY: Miracle!
RED GREEN: Okay, no, no, okay, you decide to do whatever she says...
DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah?
RED GREEN: ...because you...
DALTON HUMPHREY: Misunderstood.
RED GREEN: Okay, okay, the secret to gettin' the two of you to get along is to...
DALTON HUMPHREY: ...threaten to cut off bedroom favors for an entire year. You know, she hates it when I threaten that.
HAROLD GREEN: We're almost out of time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, all right, all right. All right, Dalton? Dalton, you and your wife go into a furniture store, okay? She likes one couch, but you like another couch, okay? So you make a...
DALTON HUMPHREY: Scene! Spectacle! Huge production!
RED GREEN: No, no, no, no, okay, okay, let's go another way: you demand to buy your couch, okay, and your wife says, "Oh, c'mon, now, Dalton, you have to learn to..."
DALTON HUMPHREY: "...sleep on your stupid couch." And I say, "Fine!" And then she says, "Fine!" And then we get into an argument, and I point out how she's wrong, and then she points out how I'm wrong, and then we just get steamed, and finally we just... BUY BOTH DAMN COUCHES AND PUT AN END TO IT!
RED GREEN: You buy both couches?
DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you gotta compromise!
RED GREEN: There we go!
{Red rings a bell on the table, ending the game. Dalton again takes the whistle, still trying vainly to blow it.}
Handyman Corner[]
{Red stands outside in falling snow, next to the Possum Van and holding a snow shovel.}
RED GREEN: {holding up shovel} Right here is the second best way to shovel snow. You've seen the deal: just use this and then... {tosses shovel aside} Oh! Gosh, I've lost my shovel. {chuckles, then walks around to side of the van, with the Handyman Corner sign hanging from it} But if you're married, like I am, you know the cheesy excuses only work once. So this week on Handyman Corner... {removes sign from van, revealing a plain door leaning against van} we're gonna show you a better way to plow snow: by makin' a snowplow! We're gonna actually use this door as our plow, because so far at the Lodge, we're not using it as a door.
{Red picks up the door. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the door to the front of the Possum Van. A roll of duct tape hangs from the door.}
RED GREEN: All right, you see, we have a... bit of a problem. The door's kinda sittin' low on the ground there. So we need something for it to slide on. Now, I could, uh– I could put a toboggan under there, or maybe one of those flying saucers, but then I remembered the handyman code, huh? Put something you don't use to good use. {picks up a pair of skis} So I'm gonna use these, uh, cross-country skis that Bernice gave me for my birthday after the check-up. They're a little bit too long, so, uh, what I would do is just, uh, trim them down, and just use the tips on those. No problem...
{Red whacks one ski against the corner of the van. The ski effortlessly breaks in half.}
RED GREEN: Yeah, uh, if you don't have a pair of these, you can pick them up real cheap at a garage sale every time a fat guy has one.
{Red whacks the other ski against the van. Again, the ski breaks in half with ease. Wipe to a later scene. Red has duct-taped the skis to the bottom of the door.}
RED GREEN: All right, that's got her. But you know me, I like to be doing two things at once. That way, I can move slower. {goes over to a pair of salt shakers on an oil drum} I can also be salting and sanding while I'm plowing. That'll really get the neighbors talking. {holds up salt shakers} So what you wanna do is get yourself a couple of salt shakers from your local restaurant. You're thinking to yourself, "How the heck am I gonna get salt shakers from the restaurant?" {digs into his pocket and pulls out another salt shaker} I'll tell you something: deep pockets help. {chuckles, then quickly puts it back in his pocket} Oops, just a minute. All right, take the salt shakers {again takes the salt shakers and two rolls of duct tape} and attach them to your tires with the handyman's secret weapon.
{Wipe to yet another later scene. Red has duct-taped the salt shakers to his van's tires.}
RED GREEN: Boy, those units look pretty sharp, don't they?
{Red holds up a heavy bag of sand, struggling under the weight, as he moves toward the back of the Possum Van.}
RED GREEN: 'Course, the key to any kind of a snowplow is, you gotta have some weight in the back to make her work, so... I'm gonna throw a few yards of sand into the back of the van there. Not only will it give me the weight, the sand will sift right down through the rust holes in the floor there and sand the road. And rust the road. {finally reaches the back of the van, its doors open} All right.
{Red drops the sand bag just inside the van trunk, grunting. He then feels the van floor.}
RED GREEN: You know, that floor doesn't look too bad. I'm gonna have to punch some holes in that myself.
{Red climbs into the van. Wipe to a later scene. The doors are closed. Gunshot sounds are heard as the van suddenly shakes with each shot. Then, after a third shot, the doors open. Smoke billows out from inside the van. Red then emerges, holding a shotgun. He coughs.}
RED GREEN: {loudly} Boy! Well, you might wanna wear ear protectors, if you... Can you hear me? {sniffs} Do you smell gas? Uh, can anybody hear me? Am I talking? Just a minute. {puts his hand to his ear, as if having trouble hearing} Hello? Hello? Oh, geez, my voice is gone!
{Wipe to a later scene. Red tosses the snow shovel into the van's trunk and shuts the door.}
RED GREEN: All right, now, you want a way that, uh, everybody's gonna be able to see you coming. So I went down to one of them garage sales, got myself a couple of turntables here.
{Red shows off two record players duct-taped to the van roof. One player has a camping lantern and a red flashlight duct-taped to it. The other player has a big black flashlight taped to it.}
RED GREEN: And these go real fast if you set them on 78 RPM. At least that's what my grandfather told me. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
{Red climbs into the Possum Van and starts it up. The turntables spin rapidly, the lights on them lit up. He then drives the van away, only to spin out a few feet down the road and come to a stop.}
Midlife[]
RED GREEN: Take a second to talk to you older fellas about anger. Now, I don't mean your own anger, because that, of course, is perfectly healthy and natural and really needs to be expressed. Oh, yeah. If you didn't express your anger, how would the rest of the world learn anything? No, no, I'm talking about other people's anger. You know, now, the first question that goes through your mind is, "What can I do to please this person?" The answer, of course, is, nothing! You assume that because they're angry at you, they're angry at you! Other people aren't angry at you. Or what you do or how you do it. They're just angry. Yeah, you happen to be handy for them to be angry at, that's all. So don't take it personally. Let me explain it another way: my wife, Bernice, is always chilly, always got the extra sweater on. Now, just because she's chilly, doesn't mean she's chilly at me. She's just chilly, you know? So some people are just tall, some people are just happy, some people are just angry. And the best way to deal with anger is the possum way: roll over and play dead. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you why: it's very hard to be angry at a dead thing. Just ask my wife. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together.
Plot Segment 3[]
{Red enters the Lodge in a black hockey outfit. Harold, tuning his switcher, sees him and laughs loudly.}
RED GREEN: Well... had a bit of a setback at our hockey practice today.
HAROLD GREEN: {laughing} That's the worst team uniform I've ever seen!
RED GREEN: {looking at his outfit} Well, we used to have the sponsor's logo on there, but they– they found it was hurtin' their business, so they ripped them all off. Actually, everybody's uniform looks like this.
HAROLD GREEN: {sarcastically} Oh, matching sweaters!
{Harold tries to say something else, but Red interrupts him.}
RED GREEN: So, like I say, we were at the practice there, Buster Hadfield is in goal, and Moose Thompson comes just streaking down the left wing there, and he lets a slapper go. Holy mackerel! It hits Buster about four inches above the five-hole. {cringes}
HAROLD GREEN: Whoa, there's a– right up– Where is that?
RED GREEN: You know how Buster has a false set of teeth? Well, now he has a falsetto (parody of "false set of") voice. {grins, chuckles}
HAROLD GREEN: Whoo! Wow, okay, okay! Yeah. Did he hit, like, a high C?
RED GREEN: More like a high F, Harold. {chuckles} Yeah. Actually, he said the whole word. But the point is, uh, we're looking for a new goalie, and I'll tell ya something, Harold: {puts his hand on Harold's shoulder} you are our unanimous choice right there. {pats Harold on the shoulder}
HAROLD GREEN: {astonished} Oh, me?! Yeah?!
RED GREEN: There we go.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no.
RED GREEN: C'mon, Harold. You can wear as much padding as you want.
HAROLD GREEN: No, no.
RED GREEN: It won't be us shooting at you, it'll be the curlers.
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but no.
RED GREEN: Harold? Harold? Harold? There'll be girls watching. {winks at Harold}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all right. But you owe me big time!
RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, get your coat on. {Harold removes his switcher from around his neck} Let's go, let's go.
HAROLD GREEN: How come Buster wasn't wearing padding, y'know – Haw! – between the pipes?
RED GREEN: Well, there's no point in protecting a part of his anatomy he never uses, eh?
HAROLD GREEN: Oh. I guess that's why you don't wear a helmet, huh?
{Harold goes a few feet away from Red to set his switcher down.}
The Experts[]
HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, that portion of the show where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say... {looks out at audience}
HAROLD GREEN, AUDIENCE: {in unison} I DON'T KNOW!
{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Mike Hamar.}
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} Imagine if they said that! Anyway, joining my uncle Red in this part of the show is his best friend, Mr. Mike Hamar! {shows off Mike, who waves} Welcome, Mike! {takes out letter} Okay, uh, the letter goes as follows: "Dear Experts, I find it impossible to get my husband and two teenagers away from the television for supper. I'd be overjoyed if they could just skip one half-hour of television so they could all sit down at the table, talk and eat together like a real family. What should I do? Whatever happened to the lost art of conversation?"
MIKE HAMAR: Hmm... Well, I don't think any conversation that went on at my house could be considered art. It's more like sport. Contact sport.
RED GREEN: Things get a little out of hand, did they?
MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah, yeah, a lot of hubbub. You know, my uncle would be hiding under the couch, and somebody would be in the corner bleeding and... my dad was always in a bad mood because he was being arrested and... You know, the usual stuff.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, well, I think this particular viewer just wants to turn her TV off and have a simple dinner conversation.
RED GREEN: Well, now, Harold, you know, it may not be that simple, you know, because this woman, she says she got a husband, she got a couple of teenagers. I'd say she's been married for quite a while now, you know.
MIKE HAMAR: Well, not necessarily. My parents had their eighth anniversary when my youngest brother was 23.
RED GREEN: Oh, okay, but– Okay, but they've been living together for a while, and when people've been living together a long time, sometimes they don't have anything to say to each other.
MIKE HAMAR: Or you do try to say something casually at dinner, and, like, the next thing you know, your sister's being subpoenaed. I think that's the word for it.
RED GREEN: Okay, all right, you know, and there's another– There's another dangerous side to this, Harold: when people don't have anything to say to each other, they end up criticizing each other.
MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, yeah, and you don't want that at the dinner table, because these folks are packin' cutlery, right? You get somebody waving a steak knife around, and before you know it, you got an extra ear on the corn platter.
HAROLD GREEN: {clearly uneasy} Well, here's my advice to that lady: just turn the TV off, 'cause there's no program as good as time spent with your family.
MIKE HAMAR: Except for America's Most Wanted. That's the same as spending time with my family.
Adventures With Bill[]
| Action on screen | Red's voiceover |
|---|---|
| Red stands on a snow-covered hill in wintertime. Bill runs up, holding two snowboards. He shows them off to Red and to the camera. He accidentally knocks Red down with one of them. | Here's something the young people do. It's called snowboarding. We're gonna try it. |
| Cut to a later scene. Red rubs his nose from being hit while Bill holds up a chunk of ice for him, which Red angrily knocks down on the ground. Bill pantomimes himself snowboarding. Both snowboards start sliding away, and Red directs Bill's attention to that. | Doesn't seem like too much fun to me. I don't– No, thanks, Bill. Don't need the ice right now. So the idea is you go down on the board– Uh, Bill, the board, I think– Aren't you supposed to be somehow attached to that? |
| The boards slide down the hill and fly off a jump at the bottom, then crash into both side mirrors on the Possum Van, knocking them off. Red glances at the camera, clearly annoyed. | You look before– I don't know, I've never done it, but does this– Is this right? Does it seem right to you? Doesn't seem right to me. |
| Bill walks up with two more snowboards and sets them down. One board immediately starts to slide away, but Bill tries to stop it with his foot. He ends up standing on both boards and slides down the hill on them. | What? Oh, okay. All right. He's got two more boards. All right, Bill, I think I understand the theory. We're not doing this again, are we? Oh, there we go, there we go. |
| Bill slides quickly down the hill, trying to keep his balance. Red just shrugs at the camera. | Oh, that's how you do it! Oh, I see. So I– Probably two... You know, it looks awkward to me. Is that all right? |
| Bill continues sliding toward the Possum Van. | Is that all right, Bill, is that? Yeah, I guess that's the right way. |
| Bill hits the jump and flies through the air with the boards. The boards land on top of the van and slide across, and Bill lands on the roof and rolls off the back, just missing the ball on the trailer hitch. He continues to roll, running into a plywood fence and knocking down one of the sheets of plywood. | Watch out for the van, Bill! Oh, no, he's got it. Watch out for the trailer hitch ball there. Fence! |
| Bill sits up on the sheet of plywood and looks relieved, then starts sliding further downhill on the sheet. Bill tries to hold onto the board, looking alarmed. | Oh, you got it. He's stopped. Oh! Oh, you don't even need a snowboard, just use a 4x8 sheet of plywood. Just like Bill; good one side. |
| The plywood hits a snowdrift and flips Bill over, then lands on top of him. Red looks amused. | Oh, she dug in, she dug in! She's goin' over, Bill, she's goin' over! {laughs} |
| Red runs over to the sheet, which is shaking due to Bill hitting it from below. Red pulls the board away. Bill's feet slowly rise out of the snow and shake around. | No, no, I'll help him. Okay, I'll help him. Yeah, I'll help him. Oh, look! Still got a pulse. He's probably alright. Bill, are you okay? Bill? Bill? Bill? Great. I hope his face is at this end. |
Plot Segment 4[]
{Red enters the Lodge in his hockey uniform. He walks over toward the top of the basement stairs.}
RED GREEN: {calling into basement} Harold! Harold, you comin'?
HAROLD GREEN: {calling from offscreen} Yeah, I'll be right there!
RED GREEN: All right! {to camera} Well, the big hockey game to find out whether Possum Lake is for curlin' or for hockey takes place in about an hour, and the rest of the guys are already up there havin' a couple of bracers for warmth. {chuckles} Sometimes they get so warm, they can hardly move.
{Harold then comes out into the main room, wearing a big hockey uniform. This uniform is covered in bubble wrap, with the letter H on his front. Harold has an oven mitt covering his left hand and a baseball mitt covering his right. He also has a rope tied around his middle. Hanging off it is a strategically-placed frying pan. He also has a visor around his forehead with a face mask on it. He holds in his hand a hockey stick covered in bits of duct tape.}
RED GREEN: Oh, man!
{The audience cheers. Harold walks up close to his uncle.}
HAROLD GREEN: {grinning} Huh? Yeah! How do I look?
RED GREEN: Wow, Harold! Is that bubble wrap?
HAROLD GREEN: You know it!
RED GREEN: If you get injured, where would you like to be shipped?
HAROLD GREEN: {laughs} I don't plan on getting injured.
RED GREEN: No, no, I think you're gonna be okay, Harold. I see you got the... major items. Oh, fry pan's a nice touch there, eh? How do you want 'em, sunny side up?
HAROLD GREEN: Any way but scrambled's okay by me.
RED GREEN: You know, Harold, just a word of advice: you might wanna flip that face mask down, y'know, once the hockey game gets started.
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah!
{Harold flips the face mask down. It is actually a caricature of his own face, with the eyes cut out for him to see through. He then bobs and dances a bit. The audience cheers.}
RED GREEN: Oh, man! {points at Harold's uniform} Boy, if there was ever anything screaming for a slap-shot, that's gotta be it. C'mon, Harold! {turns to leave the Lodge, while Harold still dances}
If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying[]
{Red walks out into the Lodge basement from a corner and heads over to a workbench, holding a roll of duct tape. Hap Shaughnessy stands by the bench, holding a fireplace grate.}
RED GREEN: This is the repair shop part of the show we call, "If It Ain't Broke, You're Not Trying." We got water taxi captain Hap Shaughnessy here. How you doin', Hap? What do you got there for us today?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: I got a fireplace grate here, Red.
RED GREEN: {taking grate} Oh, boy, there's been some weight on there. Maybe you're not drying your firewood out enough there, Hap.
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, it's solid steel, and look at it.
RED GREEN: Yeah...
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: They don't make steel like they used to.
RED GREEN: No, but you know, the beauty here is, you just put a little heat on that, and we can bend that right back. What happened, anyway? {takes acetylene torch and lights it} Your sister fall into the fireplace again?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, no, no, a burglar stepped on it.
RED GREEN: Wow, that's gotta be some fat burglar, I'll tell ya. {runs torch over grate}
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, no kidding. Broke into my house over the holidays.
RED GREEN: Yeah.
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Musta slid down the chimney.
RED GREEN: Boy, kids today, eh? Can't throw their rock through the window or anything; gotta go their own way on it, eh? He take anything?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Heh, nothing.
RED GREEN: Nope?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Just ate some cookies and milk.
RED GREEN: Yeah?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: And left us some packages.
{Red suddenly becomes attentive of what Hap is saying.}
RED GREEN: Okay, okay, so you're saying, like, somebody came down your chimney during the holidays, ate some cookies and some milk, and left you some presents?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah.
RED GREEN: Was he wearing red with the white trim on it there, Hap?
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Didn't see him, Red.
RED GREEN: All right.
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: The wife and I had settled in for a long winter's nap. I heard a clatter arise, but I didn't get up to look. I suppose I should've opened the window and–
HAP SHAUGHNESSY, RED GREEN: {in unison} –thrown up the sash.
RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. All right, all right, all right. Okay, all right, so, okay, so you're saying Santa came to your house over the holidays?
{Pause}
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Santa?
RED GREEN: {annoyed} Yeah, Santa! Yeah!
HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Never thought of that. {Red groans} But you could be right. Well, if people found out Santa's real and he came to my house, I bet people would probably pay to see that. Hey, Red? Red? Forget about straightening that; I need that bench just the way it is. That's my proof. {takes grate}
RED GREEN: All right, and you tell this story exactly the way you told me. That'll be my proof. {turns torch off and leaves}
Plot Segment 5[]
{Red and Harold enter the Lodge, looking dejected. Harold's elaborate hockey outfit is now covered in hockey pucks.}
RED GREEN: Well, I'll tell ya, that has to be the low point. Gettin' beat at our national game by a bunch of curlers; 37-nothin'! {to Harold} Nice goal-tending, Harold.
{Harold tries to speak, but is muffled. Red taps Harold on the back, causing him to spit a hockey puck out of his mouth.}
HAROLD GREEN: I made some stops!
RED GREEN: Yeah, that's one outta your mouth, {pointing to puck-covered outfit} two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...
{Harold flips the face mask down, which also has a hockey puck sticking out of the left eye socket.}
HAROLD GREEN: Nine!
RED GREEN: All right, all right. But Harold, you let in 37 goals! How does that happen?
HAROLD GREEN: Well, they were curlin' them at me, yelling, "Sweep, sweep!" That's scary when they do that. I got nervous.
RED GREEN: Okay.
HAROLD GREEN: Well, it would've helped if I have had a little offense, you know? Maybe if you just got one goal. Even if you got one shot on goal, it would've been–
RED GREEN: Well, but Harold, they made the rink the same size as they do for curling. You know we can't skate that far!
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah.
{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}
HAROLD GREEN: It's meeting time, Uncle Red.
RED GREEN: Yeah. You go ahead, Gump; I'll be down in a minute, okay?
{Harold goes down into the basement, sliding and hitting a hockey puck with a hockey stick, as though he's still playing hockey.}
RED GREEN: Take it easy now. Take it easy. {to camera} So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I hope you're in a romantic mood. I already suffered one shootout today. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching, and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.
{Red waves and heads for the basement. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold is talking to the other men inaudibly as Red comes down the stairs.}
HAROLD GREEN: Oh, here he comes! Sit down! Sit down, hurry! He likes it when everybody sits! I don't know why, he's sorta picky.
{The men all sit down as Red takes his place at the head of the meeting beside Harold.}
HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all rise.
{Everyone stands up and puts their arms over their chests.}
EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.
RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone sits}
HAROLD GREEN: 'Kay, we just got one quick announcement: uh, there's gonna be a meeting of, uh, Men Against Malls. MAM, as they like to be known as. And they're gonna be filing a grievance against Bachelors Against Marriage, or BAM, as they like to be known.
RED GREEN: Sounds to me like it's gonna be "Slam BAM, thank you MAM"?
HAROLD GREEN: Yeah! {laughs}