The complete transcript for The Hydrogen Project

Transcript Edit


{Red stands fishing on a pier early in the morning.}

RED GREEN: One of the differences between men and women is that women kinda see the big picture, whereas men kind of see everything in little wee parts. That's why most women are into holistic medicine, whereas most surgeons are guys. {the title "The Hydrogen Project" is displayed} To a woman, a car is a means of transportation. To a guy, it's a bunch of components; parts that he can fix or customize or change around in some way. If he can take a car and cut it in half, bumper to bumper, he's got two motorcycles. I think that's why guys never throw anything out. They're waitin' to see what it devolves into. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequenceEdit

{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Harold, Red and Edgar sitting around a table. Edgar shouts something that rocks the room.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Today on "The Red Green Show", we got Edgar K.B. Montrose.

{Cut to Glen sitting on the hood of a boat, trying to suck down some liquid from a cup.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Glen Brachston's settlin' up down at the marina.

{Cut to Bill furiously trying to jam a pipe into the ground.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Bill is gonna try and drill us a well.

{Cut to Red inside the Lodge, placing a lit cigarette lighter under his hat. A pink flame erupts from inside the hat.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I got some hydrogen in my hat.

{Cut to Red and Harold fishing in a creek. Harold suddenly dragged forward by his fishing line.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And as always, Harold is up the creek.

Plot Segment 1Edit

{The camera pans through the Lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now here's a man with the most lumber in his jack, my uncle, {gestures toward front door} Red Green!

{Red enters, waving to everyone. He walks over toward a weight scale.}

RED GREEN: Thank you! Thank you, and now if you've met the lumberjack, meet the lumbering jerk, {gestures toward Harold} my nephew, Harold.

{Harold plays his switcher. An outboard motor flies around the screen for a few seconds.}

RED GREEN: Been kind of a good news week in a way for me up here. I gotta lose a little bit of weight. {gets on scale} I got a– I got a check-up coming up pretty soon. {checks his weight} No, nothin' yet. {gets back down} But I heard that this, uh, this water diet is a real good thing. And, uh, apparently, the water in Possum Lake has just been declared okay for human consumption.

HAROLD GREEN: Really? I wouldn't drink it.

RED GREEN: Well, so what? I said human consumption.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, if the water in Possum Lake's been declared okay, there's obviously something wrong with the testing equipment.

RED GREEN: The water's fine, Harold. Now, if we're gonna get into criticizing the government, we're in for a long night, all right?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, what about all that stuff floating in it?

RED GREEN: Keep your teeth clenched. {to camera} Anyway, now that the water is officially okay, we just gotta find a way to make it taste better.

HAROLD GREEN: How're you gonna do that? That water tastes like bad eggs!

RED GREEN: Well, we'll add bad bacon bits. Make it taste like a bad breakfast. Actually, Junior Singleton had a good idea: you know, he thought we could carbonate the lake. You know how they carbonate things like grapefruit pops so they don't taste too bad? So Moose said, "Look, if we all just back our cars down, get the exhaust pipes in there," he figures the carbon dioxide comin' out of the tailpipe will carbonate the lake.

HAROLD GREEN: That's carbon monoxide. Very much like carbon dioxide, except it kills all life. Otherwise, good plan.

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, we're not gonna do that, we're gonna use electricity. You know how you put a nine-volt battery on the tongue, kinda feels like carbonation? {Harold laughs} Yeah. Well, we figure we drop one of them high-tension wires down into the lake, y'know? Just for an hour or so. Carbonate her right up!

HAROLD GREEN: Well, won't that kill all the electricity around here?


{Suddenly, they hear electricity crackling, followed by an electric snap, then the whole Lodge is plunged into darkness. Harold looks around.}

Segue: Glen BrachstonEdit

{Glen is seated on a lawn chair on the dock of his marina, reading the newspaper. Next to his foot is a black phone, ringing. It rings once, then stops. Glen looks at it, then glances back at the paper. The phone rings again. Glen kicks the phone into the water and goes back to reading his paper.}

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by clicking two spoons together.}


Oh, I like honey, I like jam,
I like myself just the way I am.
I don't mind the pimples and I don't mind the warts,
And I really don't care how bad I look in shorts.
I got skinny arms and a great big nose,
I got hair in my ears and hair on my toes.
People say I'm ugly, but I don't make a fuss,
'Cause I always get a seat by myself. On the bus.

Buddy SystemEdit

{Red and Winston run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Okay, you just pulled in your driveway, and it's late, and you didn't tell anybody you were gonna be late. You're not gonna be able to sneak into the house, and you know the very first thing you're gonna hear as soon as you go through that front door...

RED GREEN, WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {in unison} "Why didn't you call?"

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And you're gonna need an answer, and you're gonna need the truth! And the truth is, you don't have an answer, eh?

RED GREEN: So the truth becomes, you're gonna have to make somethin' up.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And it's gonna have to be a hummer!

RED GREEN: So what we're gonna do is make somethin' up for you now, and you can use it later when you need 'em.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Right. Okay, here's a good one: "Uh, sorry I didn't call, honey, but I gave all my money to a homeless family who was livin' in a parking lot behind the bar in a dumpster, and I just didn't have the heart to ask them for change for the phone."

{Pause. The audience laughs.}

RED GREEN: Or you can say, "The police come into the bar, and they said they're trackin' aliens, which apparently are pure energies. But anyway, they said, 'Nobody can use the phone, includin' the table dancers!'"

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Or I guess you could just say, "I'm sorry, honey, I didn't call. {Red hangs his head} It was thoughtless of me. I feel really bad. I love you very much. Please forgive me."

RED GREEN: {looking back up} ...But try the other two first.


{They run back up the stairs.}

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red stands behind his worktable.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, what with me trying that new water diet, I thought I'd show you how you can make your very own home water purification system. Did you realize that the human body is... I believe, around 70% water? And the rest is fat and additives. All right, first thing you're gonna need is a large container of some kind.

{Red picks up a green plastic trash can and sets it on the table.}

RED GREEN: Might wanna clean that out real good. {takes a washcloth and wipes the inside of the can, then takes it out} There we go. That's not enough. You gotta sterilize it, which is a scary term for most men. {picks up a propane torch} The truth is, most germs and bacteria can survive soap and water. {lights up torch} But they die in a good propane flame. {turns up fire} I say if you can't take the heat, get out of the water purifier!

{Red lowers the torch into the trash can. A pink flame erupts from the can. Red recoils in surprise. The flame dies down. Red looks into the can.}

RED GREEN: That was a bad bit. Glad I didn't drink that. {turns off torch} Alright, that's got her. Now you wanna put some pills in there, {picks up a box of pills} 'cause in the real water purifiers, they use... {pauses to think} how– howicide, halogen, halocide, or something or rather. Halizone sounds like it might be it. I got these pills from Old Man Sedgewick's room, so they're halitosis pills. I figure that's gotta be close enough. {puts some pills in the can} All right, those are in there. {picks up a bottle of more pills} I also got his nitro pills while I was in there. Hope he has a nice day. I'll put them in because of him! {opens bottle and pours pills into can} All right, now to do the actual filtering, {picks up a bag of charcoal} I'm thinking, you know the fish in the aquarium and so on? They use charcoal in their filters. And the fish don't just drink the water, they do everything in it. Charcoal must be real good. Just open this up. {removes string from opening strap} Just like taking out the appendix stitches. And sock the ol' charcoal in there. {dumps the charcoal into the trash can; charcoal dust wafts out of the can} There we go. That's gonna make it clean. As you're filtering now, you hear germs and bacteria and chemicals. Also odors. So I'm thinking, baking soda! {picks up a box of baking soda} Works in your fridge, right? All right, I'll just... {struggles to open box, which won't open} Got the kid-proof top on there... {picks up electric knife} There we go. See, it's the kid-proof top on that. No problem.

{Red turns on the knife and uses it to cut open the box of baking soda.}

RED GREEN: {pouring baking soda into can} And we'll put that in there. All right, also good with dealing with odors and also doing filtering is, uh, kitty litter. {picks up a bag of kitty litter} Now, I would recommend that you use fresh kitty litter. I'm all for recycling, but only up to a point. {opens bag} Dump that in there. {shakes bag over trash can to dump litter out into it} Use a lot of kitty litter. {finishes, covered in bits of litter} That's pretty much it. The water's gonna be clean enough, I think, at this point. {motions to top of trash can} So the water's gonna go– The dirty, scummy water's gonna go in the top and the clean, fresh water's gonna come out the bottom. So you gotta drill a hole so you can put a pipe in there. {looks around and picks up a drill} Alright, we'll just– No, no, you wanna sterilize this. {puts drill between his legs and picks up torch again; points to drill} This, I mean.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red drills a hole in the side of the trash can, using the drill. He then pulls out and turns off the drill, the tip of which looks melted and lopsided.}

RED GREEN: And there we go. {looks at lopsided drill bit} Uh, again, I may have overdone it with the sterilizing and heating and so on. {puts down drill and picks up a water tap} Anyway, once you got the hole in there, get yourself a tap and put it on a piece of copper pipe like this. {pushes tap into hole} Jam that in the hole, and this way, you'll be able to control the flow of the pure, clean, filtered water. Now we turn that off for a sec, {turns off tap and picks up a bucket of bad water} pour the crummy water in the top, {pours water into trash can; hissing and bubbling is heard inside} and now we're ready. {picks up a cup made out of duct tape} Just wait a few seconds, {turns on tap to release water} and out comes pure spring water.

{Suddenly, the trash can shakes violently, smoke spewing out of the top.}

RED GREEN: All right, so it's some kind of a chemical... Nothing to worry about, maybe the nitro pills...

{Suddenly, the trash can shoots up through the ceiling. Red dives for cover. A piece of the broken ceiling falls on the ground. Red looks up.}

RED GREEN: All right, maybe that spring water was a little too springy. You know, she's heading right over into Possum Lake, which is good; that'll purify the water over there. {looks up through hole in roof} And now, I'll be able to catch, uh, rain water. You can't get better, purer, cleaner water than that. And then, next week, I'll show you how to patch a roof. So until then, remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I hope it rains soon. That kitty litter makes you thirsty.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Bill and Red stand behind the Possum Van, the former holding an auger and a long pipe, the latter a pickax.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. Bill's gonna drill a well. You don't wanna miss that.

{Cut to Red and Harold fishing in a creek and talking to each other.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Harold and I are gonna have a man-to-man talk, which is tough to do with Harold.

Red's Sage AdviceEdit

RED GREEN: Wanna talk to all you middle-aged guys out there about your eyesight. I know what you're going through: holdin' the newspaper between your toes so you can focus on the page, tryin' to look up a phone number and squintin' so hard you throw your back out. Now, a lot of guys are gettin' glasses, but I say don't do it! Deterioratin' eyesight is part of a master plan. Mother Nature's pretty smart, you know. Like the way that as you get older, she makes your teeth fall out so you'll eat oatmeal and other stuff that's good for you. That's the same kind of thing with your eyesight, because guys our age are a lot happier not knowing exactly what they look like. Or what each other looks like if your partner is around the same age. If your partner's a lot younger than you, sounds to me like they're the ones who need the glasses. As far as book reading's concerned, you gotta get all that in by the time you're 30, so that you'll have time to apply all the knowledge you've picked up. Any knowledge that you get at my age is not enough time to understand and not enough energy to practice. So I say just let your eyes go. They say your eyes are the window to your mind, and if your eyes are failing, there's a pretty good chance your brain's on its last legs, too. So just let 'em go, and then when you die, you can will 'em to somebody you don't like. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Segue: Glen Brachston 2Edit

{Glen is seated on the hood of a boat, trying to drink from a seemingly empty cup of soda.}

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red enters the Lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, we got everything straightened out with the electricity. You can relax, Harold. {steps onto scale} Code normal. No. {gets off}

HAROLD GREEN: So what did you tell the repairman from the electric company?

RED GREEN: Well, not much, just, uh, explained how that big gust of wind had blown the high-tension wire down into the lake. No harm, no foul.

HAROLD GREEN: No way! You guys harm fowl all the time! Remember those turkeys you tried to breed? They just–

RED GREEN: {annoyed} It's just an expression, Harold, all right! {to audience} You know, the strangest thing happened, because a cloud formed over the lake, comin' up all bubbles under the water.

HAROLD GREEN: That's electrolysis.

RED GREEN: Electrolysis? You mean we've removed all the fish's unsightly facial hair?

HAROLD GREEN: No! No, if you put electricity in the water, the H2O breaks into hydrogen and oxygen. We just took this in school. That's electrolysis! So the cloud over Possum Lake is probably just like hydrogen!

RED GREEN: Hydrogen, like in a blimp?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes, because hydrogen is lighter than air.

{Red's hat suddenly floats up off his head and Red notices with concern.}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, yeah, like they put hydrogen in zeppelins, you know, like, not the band Led Zeppelin or anything, but– {sees Red's floating hat and shouts something inaudibly} Your hat's a ghost!

RED GREEN: {taking hat} I musta got some hydrogen in my hat here, Harold. How do I get it out of there?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you can release it into the air, but that's gonna wreck the ozone, so don't even think about that. It burns! Hydrogen burns really well!

{Red takes a cigarette lighter out of his pocket and holds it under his hat.}

RED GREEN: All right, well, I'll try that. Stand real close...

{Harold leans in close. Red lights the lighter. A pink flame erupts from his hat for a second. They both look shocked by this.}

RED GREEN, HAROLD GREEN: {in unison} Whoa!

HAROLD GREEN: Remember the Hindenburg?

Visit With Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Red stands out by the dock next to Buzz's plane. Buzz is leaning inside the plane, apparently looking for something.}

RED GREEN: You know, the story of our Canadian North is really the story of our daredevil bush pilots. And today, carrying on that tradition are guys like Buzz Sherwood here of Buzz Off Airlines. {Buzz comes over to Red}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yo, Red man! How's it going!

{Buzz punches Red on the shoulder. Red winces in pain.}

RED GREEN: It's going good. Going very well indeed. So, Buzz, tell the viewers at home now that you, uh, ferry tourists in your yacht and you water-bomb, uh, fires.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: And, I water-bomb people that tick me off! {laughs}

RED GREEN: All right, all right...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: And, of course, I do that courier thing, too, you know, Sherwood Express. "When it absolutely has to get there, and you don't care what shape it's in when it does."

RED GREEN: That's right. So Buzz flies mail in, that type of thing, right?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Red, I fly anything that fits in that plane. Or on the plane. Or tow behind the plane... {suddenly looks up; hears humming; puts on a pair of glasses} Is that– Is that a canoe... floating up there, Red, or am I getting one of my flashbacks?

RED GREEN: No, no, that's a canoe. She must be full of hydrogen from the electrolysis thing we did.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Far out! I can use that in my parcel delivery! Y'know, instead of swimming to shore, like– like a piano or something. Just sec, just sec... {goes into his plane}

RED GREEN: Yep. So, as I say, there you go, you see, the innovation going on here. {Buzz returns, holding a shotgun} Guys like Buzz Sherwood here bringing civilization and order to the North!

{Red sees Buzz holding the shotgun and steps back nervously. Buzz takes aim at the canoe and fires.}


{The shot hits the canoe, causing the hydrogen to explode. The canoe falls to Earth like a burning airplane.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Whoa! It's on fire! It's burning! {tearing up; about to cry} Oh! Oh, ladies and gentlemen, I can't bear to watch! Oh, the humanity! The humanity! {the canoe lands in the water with a splash} Cool!

Segue: Glen Brachston 3Edit

{Glen continues to suck on the drink cup while seated on the hood of the boat. He finally stops and sighs. He lets out a small belch.}

Harold's SegmentEdit

{Red and Harold are fishing in a creek.}

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, why do you think people smoke?

RED GREEN: Don't know, don't care, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you should, 'cause they're ruining their health, and they're ruining yours with second-hand smoke.

RED GREEN: Well, everything else I have is second-hand. I don't see why I should be getting brand-new smoke, 'cept from my van.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, why do you think they do it? I got a theory! You wanna know why? I got a theory about– You think maybe they weren't raised properly? Think smoking's like... {giggles} breastfeeding?

RED GREEN: Only if you inhale, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I wish everyone in the world would just grow up and stop smoking. {his fishing pole wiggles}

RED GREEN: I think you got a fish on your hook there, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: I know! I've been trying to wiggle him off for an hour.

RED GREEN: Well, I'll take it. Might be a salmon. I can make my famous smoked salmon. Or I guess in this case, it'd be second-hand smoked salmon, eh, Harold?

{Harold laughs. He is then dragged downstream by the fish supposedly on his hook.}

RED GREEN: {calling after him} Don't inhale!

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on Screen Red's Voiceover
Red walks up to Bill, who is hopping about on a shovel, as if trying to dig a hole. He lands on Red's foot. Red brings his foot away in pain and clutches it. Bill tosses the shovel aside and picks up a pickax. He swings the pick into the ground, but it bounces against the ground to swing backwards and land on the ground behind them. The pick sticks there. Bill leaves off-camera while Red holds onto the pick. Time for Adventures With Bill! Bill had asked me over to give him a little bit of help. I'm still looking for some fresh water, so he was gonna drill a well, and he picked a spot right there to drill it. Oh, no, no, no, no, a little right there. No, he's– I think he's changed his mind. Yeah. That's where we're gonna dig right there.
Red pulls the pick out of the ground and starts digging with it. Bill returns, holding an auger and a long pipe. He accidentally pokes Red in the groin with the pipe. Red steps back. Bill then turns around, poking Red with the pipe on the arm, shoving Red aside. Red takes the auger. Bill accidentally hits Red on the head with the pipe, causing Red to clutch at his head in pain. So I'll just sorta start the hole a little bit, but Bill's got one of these auger things that looks a bit like a– Oh, oh, oh! And he's got a long– Oh! It's the extra length of handle on there. Oh, oh!
Bill inserts the long pipe into the auger handle. Red holds the handle while Bill pushes on the pipe, causing the auger to turn in the ground and dig in. But the auger doesn't go in very far at all before it slows to a stop. That's a good idea, Bill. So he puts that on there for a little extra leverage, and the auger goes. But then, y'know, the thing is, it catches on a rock, and it stops.
Bill tries to push forward on the pipe and the auger with all his might, grunting as he does so. The pipe bends as he pushes. Red holds tight to the auger handle. Bill pushes forward as hard as he can, but then, the pipe swings back straight. In doing so, it slams into Bill and flings him backwards into the open doors of the Possum Van. He emerges from it through the driver's side door. Bill is now using the law of lever to, uh, really to his own disadvantage. And that's gotten steel, a lot of tension on there. And then Bill decided to... to go into my van for some reason! Oh, I know! Guess he didn't find what he was looking for.
Cut to a later scene. Bill starts the motor on a power auger. He and Red each take one side of the auger to hold it in place. The auger starts up. Red gets out of the way. The tip of the drill of the auger does not go into the ground, just rides on the top. So then we decided to try one of these power augers, which has got the motor on there. It's about a 300-horse engine on that. But the thing was it wasn't digging in, it was just riding on top.
Bill waves for Red to come back over, which Red does so. Bill tries to climb on top of the auger handle. After several attempts, Bill finally climbs up on top of the auger. So then Bill says we need to push down harder, get more weight on it. So I think– He said– Bill, I wouldn't climb on it. Bill, I wouldn't think– Is that completely safe, Bill? What am I asking him?
The auger with Bill on it suddenly starts spinning, faster and faster. Bill holds on to the auger for dear life. Then Red watches as Bill is finally thrown off the auger, flies through the air, and hits a barn wall. He falls down to the ground into some bushes. After a beat, Bill emerges from the bushes, dazed. And there he goes. Oh, that's kinda– That's looks kinda fun. Easy, Bill. Slow 'er down, slow 'er down, slow 'er down! Bill! Bill! Oh, for gosh sakes, you're gonna fly off– Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh! Well, I bet he doesn't try that again. Kinda wish he would. Oh, you're fine, Bill, don't worry about it.
Cut to a later scene. The auger has started up again and is successfully digging into the ground. Bill holds it while being lashed to the front of the Possum Van. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera. You know what they say, "Where there's a well, there's a way". Good thinking, Bill. So he gets the hole all drilled in there...
Still later, Bill (now untied) and Red pull the auger out of the now-much-deeper hole. Bill picks up a steel pipe and sticks it into the hole. He then jams it into the hole repeatedly. ...and now he's just gonna put the pipe down to get down to where the water is. That's a steel pipe. See if he's got so many rocks around the Possum Lodge area.
Behind Bill, the pipe in the ground somehow emerges through another hole. The pipe inches toward the grill of the van. Bill impatiently jams the pipe through the hole repeatedly. The pipe finally punctures the grill and then the radiator of the van, causing it to leak. Water and steam spew out. I think what had happened was that he hit a rock and started to bend the pipe up so it'd come up behind him. Y'know, when he saw this, but it's actually heading toward the grill of the Possum Van. Thank you, Bill.
Bill sees the water spew out of the pipe. He tries to sip some it like a drinking fountain. He spits out the water disgustedly in Red's direction. Red recoils from this. Well, you got water. Probably out of the rad there, Bill. You know, it's got the antifreeze in it. You sure that– Yeah. Yeah.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red and Edgar are seated on a couch. Edgar puts his hand to his ear, as if having troubling listening.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned for special guest Graham Greene.

{Cut to Buzz seated in his plane, talking to the camera.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And some words of advice from Buzz Sherwood for those of you who'll listen to anything.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Red stands next to the scale, holding a glass of some liquid. A vacuum cleaner hangs from the ceiling.}

RED GREEN: Well, let's see how my water diet is working. {drinks liquid, then steps on scale} Nothin'!

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, what is that attached to the ceiling?

RED GREEN: {looks up} Oh, that's the vacuum cleaner, Harold. We sucked up all the hydrogen.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, if that bag gets its seal open, that baby's gonna drop like a stone!

RED GREEN: Oh, no, we're fine. (?) If there ever was any danger from the hydrogen, it's over now.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, what're we gonna do with that vacuum anyway? Might make a good lamp!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, you'd make a good lamp.

HAROLD GREEN: {to audience} We'd both make good lamps! 'Cause I'm bright and he's burned out! {laughs}

Segue: Winston RothschildEdit

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Hi, Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services, where... {holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number are displayed} "We put the P.U. in 'pump'!"

Visit With Glen BrachstonEdit

{Red and Glen stand out on a pier by the lake.}

RED GREEN: I'm here with Glen Brachston of Brachston's Marina for this week's boating tip.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Thank you, Red. I thought we'd talk about launching your own boat today by yourself. It's amazing how many people come up to ask me to help them, Red. It's like I don't have a job.

RED GREEN: Well, actually, Glen, I gotta lose some weight in a hurry, and I was hoping you could talk about dieting.

GLEN BRACHSTON: I thought you wanted a boat tip.

RED GREEN: Well, you know, when you think about it, if you're thin, your boat's not gonna sink, so I kinda– And I also thought you'd be the guy who'd know a lot about diets.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh? And why would you think that, Red?

RED GREEN: Well, you know, you don't look– I thought– I'd just assumed that you'd be a diet expert, that's all.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, I know, not really, but... if you wanna try to eat what I eat...

RED GREEN: No, no, forget it.

GLEN BRACHSTON: No, Red, that's you. Yeah. You gotta have self control, and you don't have any self control, Red, so... that's why you get to be as big as a house.

RED GREEN: Thank you, Glen, you're a real inspiration.

GLEN BRACHSTON: No, Red, you seem to have a spare tire there. {pointing at Red's stomach}

RED GREEN: Says Mr. 18-Wheeler.

GLEN BRACHSTON: I got big bones.

RED GREEN: Got a big belly bone.

GLEN BRACHSTON: If I had help, I'd take a lot better care of myself, Red.

RED GREEN: {seeing a propane tank} Glen, do you suppose I could borrow this old propane tank? {picks it up}

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, sure, it's empty. We had a big rib roast last week.

RED GREEN: Oh, no, I want an empty one. I wanna hook it up to a vacuum cleaner.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, Red, you're not gonna try that self-life(?) suction, are ya? I read about a guy who did that last week. He hooked it up to his belly button and to his central vac and he sucked himself inside out! His whole body!

RED GREEN: Oh, my gosh! Did they ever get him back to normal?

GLEN BRACHSTON: I don't know, I didn't finish the article. The next available cashier opened up.

The ExpertsEdit

{Red, Harold and Edgar all sit around a table. Harold sits in one chair, while Red and Edgar share a love seat.}

HAROLD GREEN: And welcome to the Expert portion of the show! This week, claiming to be an expert with my uncle, Red, is, uh, Edgar K.B. Montrose!

{Red, Harold and the audience all applaud. Edgar waves. Harold picks up a letter on the table.}

HAROLD GREEN: Today's letter is from a viewer in Brandon, Manitoba! It says, "Dear Experts, I love to barbecue, but lately, our neighborhood has been overrun by a huge flock of seagulls that ruin everything. What can I do?"

RED GREEN: {looking towards Edgar} Any ideas there, Edgar?

EDGAR MONTROSE: Well, Red, uh, if this guy is from Brandon like it sounded like he was...

{Pause. The audience laughs.}

HAROLD GREEN: {bemused} Yes?

EDGAR MONTROSE: ...and, uh, if he loves to barbecue, uh, he probably has a spare propane tank sittin' by somewhere. So what I recommend is, he take the tank and he cover it in bacon fat, roll it in bird seed, and put it in the middle of the lawn.

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, to draw out the birds! Yeah, like at our house, you know, we got like a bowl of sugar water to draw out the bees, you know? So when we're eating, they don't come near us, y'know, and scare us or stuff like that, y'know? Or they land in your nose and you get paralyzed with fear, y'know? {Red and Edgar stare at him} I remember one time– Remember one time– I remember this one time– This one time, right, this bee landed right on my ear, right? And my mum said, "Don't move!", right? So I didn't move, 'cause when my mum speaks, that's that, right? But it was a queen bee! It was a queen bee, and the queen bee built this huge hive right on my ear! It was huge! I couldn't believe it! I missed the whole week of school! It was great, right? My dad sprayed it with Raid, and then, on the way to the hospital, he collected all the honey! So...


EDGAR MONTROSE: ...That's not what I meant, Harold. When the birds come by to feed off the can, he takes his rifle. Say, a 306.

HAROLD GREEN: {alarmed} Oh, no! Hey, hey, you don't shoot the seagulls!

EDGAR MONTROSE: No, you shoot the can! And then... KABOOM!

{As he shouts this, Edgar throws his arms up in the air. The room rocks and various objects fall around them. Red and Harold look around.}

EDGAR MONTROSE: No more birds! No more problems! And the concussion'll shatter any seagull egg within two miles!

{Edgar holds up his right hand, only to see that the index finger on it is missing. So he holds up two fingers on his left hand.}

Segue: Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Buzz is seated in his plane, about to take off.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: You know, if you can't be with the plane you love, love the plane you're with. {starts the engine to take off}

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Red stands on the scale while holding a propane tank in his hand, its hose sticking up inside his shirt.}

RED GREEN: Well, I think I got this diet thing licked.

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, I was only kidding about you becoming a lamp.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, I reversed the wiring on the vacuum cleaner and I compressed all the hydrogen down into this propane tank.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, so what? You wanna be like a centerfold popular science with a barbecue tank attached to your navel? {laughs}

RED GREEN: No, no, watch how this works, Harold. It's saying I'm 35 pounds overweight. Watch. {turns starter on tank; something makes odd noise} Twenty-five... {turns again; odd noise} Twenty... {turns again} Ten... {turns as his stomach inflates} five, four, three, two, one...!

{Suddenly, his stomach deflates to the sound of a popping noise.}

HAROLD GREEN: Blast off! {laughs}

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold, I'll be down as soon as I get the shrapnel out of my shorts. {Harold removes his switcher and goes down into the basement} If my wife is watchin', I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and yes, I can explain the pink rubber in my underwear. {to audience} And to the rest of ya, thanks so much for watching, and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting in the basement. Winston walks past the stairs into the basement. Red walks down them, following closely behind Winston. Several other men are walking into the meeting as well to take their seats. Red and Winston take their places at the front of the meeting, beside Harold. Red and Harold speak to each other inaudibly.}

HAROLD GREEN: Get them up here, Uncle Red, get them up. All rise!

RED GREEN: Shut up, Harold.

{Everyone stands and crosses their arms on their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus...

{Cut to the show information, showing the phone number and website URL of}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} To find out more about Possum Lodge merchandise, call 1-800-YPOSSUM, or check out Harold's home page on the Internet at

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