The complete transcript for The New Statue

Opening WordsEdit

{Text appears on screen: "Women build friendships. Men build statues." An engine is heard humming while the sounds of clanking go on.}


Title sequenceEdit

Plot Segment 2Edit

Adventures With Bill teaserEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill stoops down next to a car outside the lodge. He tries to open the locked driver side door with a key as Red walks up to the passenger side door. You know, Bill had asked me to give him a hand getting his old car going, so I thought I'd drop over there. First problem is, of course, he's locked himself out of the darn thing.
Bill pulls up the sweater he is wearing and pulls out a coat hanger from underneath and starts straightening it out. What're we gonna do now, Bill? Another key there? Oh! Oh, he's got a coat hanger! Just having come out of the closet, he's still got the coat hanger in his, uh, sweater.
Red notices that the passenger side door is unlocked and opens it. He climbs into the car and slides over into the driver's seat. 'Course, I happen to notice that the passenger door is, uh... Well, that to me seemed easier. You know, why don't we just get in there, slide over, and we're set to go.
Meanwhile, Bill had finished straightening out the coat hanger and starts feeding it through the slightly-open of the driver door. The hook of the coat hanger catches on one of Red's suspenders and pulls hard. The coat hanger pulls on Red and slams him against the door. You don't need the coat hanger, Bill. Bill? Bill? Bill! Hey, Bill! Bill, you're not paying atte– And of course– Bill! Oh, boy! Ow!
Oblivious, Bill continues to pull the coat hanger through the open window and pulling on Red's suspender in the process, pressing Red against the door. Red reaches up and grabs the coat hanger. He pulls on the coat hanger, throwing Bill against the door. Stop! I'm over in– Bill, I'm in the– Bill, I'm in the– Alright, come over here a minute, I wanna show you something.
Red unlocks the door as Bill gets back up, his backside close to the door. Red opens the door and it smacks into Bill's backside, sending him sprawling again. Red climbs out of the car and closes the door. He looks off-screen as Bill returns, clutching his backside in pain and his head down. He accidentally bumps his head into the door and clutches his head. See? Look at this, Bill. See? The door's actually open. Look! See? Got her completely unlocked. C'mon over here a minute. You'll see. Take a look! See? It's open. We'll get it started later on.

The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

Red's Campfire SongEdit

Handyman CornerEdit

Commercial bumperEdit

Plot Segment 3Edit

Visit With Ranger GordEdit

Red's Handyman TipsEdit

{Red stands behind a worktable. He holds up a wood file.}

RED GREEN: {somewhat annoyed} Alright, this here is a wood file. It's called a coarse bastard file. That's right, coarse bastard! It says right there: "coarse bastard". So Stinky, if you're watching this, it's you who owes me an apology!

Plot Segment 4Edit

Adventures With BillEdit

Commercial bumperEdit

Plot Segment 5Edit

The ExpertsEdit

Plot Segment 6Edit

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