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The complete transcript for The Owl Project

IntroEdit

{Red stands fishing on a pier early in the morning.}

RED GREEN: One thing about guns that I find confusing is that most people – well, okay, mainly men – have a fascination with shooting. {the title "The Owl Project" is displayed} Guys who'd never kill anything, never even hurt anything, love the thrill of shooting at a target. Maybe when you spend your days working at a job where you don't seem to see any results from what you're doing, you start thinking that maybe the world would be exactly the same if you weren't here. I'll tell ya, that feeling goes away when you can stand fifty feet back with a gun in your hand and blow the hinges off your garage door. Or even better, your neighbor's garage door. There's instant gratification. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequenceEdit

{The "The New Red Green Show" title sequence plays. Cut to Buzz standing next to his plane. He makes plane motions with his hand, having it pretend to fly straight up in the air and then pretend to have it dive-bomb and crash.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Here are a few scenes from this week's episode, which is way better than...

{Cut to Red seated in a car covered in paint, even on the windows. He opens the driver's side window, covered in paint and leans out.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...one of the ones we did a long time ago. We got all kinds of things we're gonna...

{Cut to Red and Gord standing outside the latter's fire watchtower, next to a table with three paper bags on it. They talk to each other for a few seconds, then look offscreen at something, startled. They dive for cover under the table.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...build for ya and say to ya and fool around with ya. We got all kinds of, uh...

{Cut to Bill, wearing a basketball outfit and a new pair of sneakers, which he is pumping air into.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...things that happen, like, things like that...

{Cut to Red in the lodge dressed as a bear.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and other things, sort of like this.

Plot Segment 1Edit

{The camera pans through the lodge to Harold. The audience applauds.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now here's the man who can't see the forest for the fleas, {gestures toward front door} my uncle, Red Green!

{Red enters, waving to everyone. Harold applauds and howls.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you, and here's the guy who sees the forest and then fleas, {points to Harold} my nephew, Harold.

{Harold plays his switcher. A plane, looking like Buzz's, flies around the screen.}

RED GREEN: Big stuff going on up here this week. The first annual Possum Lake taxidermy shootout.

HAROLD GREEN: {looks around; alarmed} You're gonna shoot a taxidermist?! {Red shakes his head} Oh! Oh, Uncle Red, are you gonna have it mounted? {cringes} Oh, no, no!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} No, Harold, wait. This is– This is a brilliant idea. {to camera} You know, what with hunting being kind of a controversial sport these days, {points behind} Artie Kay's taxidermy shop, boy, the business has just fallen off the table down there.

HAROLD GREEN: It always seems busy when I go buy.

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Yeah, people just act that way when they see you coming, Harold. {back to camera} So Artie's got this idea where he's gonna charge people to go hunting for dead, wild, stuffed animals.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} What? {stammering} I mean– Well, okay– Well, where the– Well, where do the– Uh, if you had– {making motions} And they were– You know– Huh! If you thought that– {pauses} I don't understand a thing. {Red hangs his head in frustration} Can you explain?

RED GREEN: I'll try, Harold. Artie's gonna clean out the stuff out of his store. Y'know, unclaimed items and display models and old burned-out articles and that kind of thing. He's gonna prop the animals up all over the forest. And then you pay him a ten-dollar fee and you get to go out and hunt all the dead stuff, you know? I mean, sawdust-filled animals are always in season, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: Hunting for what?

RED GREEN: Well, whatever he gets in the store: {holds up a hand and points to each finger on it} raccoons, otters, elephants, swordfish, an old couch, whatever you find. You track 'em down, you stare 'em in the glassy eyes and fire away! And first prize goes to the guy who shoots Thor, the mighty polar bear.

HAROLD GREEN: Thor? That mangy yellow lump that's been hanging in Artie's front window for the past twenty years?

RED GREEN: Yeah, it's just a big raccoon that he bleached.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} And it's rancid! Just one bullet and POOF! It'll disintegrate!

RED GREEN: Yeah, but we can pretend that it's a mighty polar bear, Harold, the most dangerous animal on this planet. I mean, it's got the scariest smell I know. {Harold nods} And it'll just be neat just to kinda track it down like that. I really like the idea of shooting dead stuff, Harold. There's no tracking, no stalking, you don't have to be quiet, you don't have to claim 'em. I don't see a downside here.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, with lodge members going after moldy, overstuffed, lifeless animals, it's gonna be harder than ever to tell the hunters from the hunted around here. {plays switcher}

Segue: Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Buzz stands on the dock next to his plane. He moves his hands around, making plane noises like a little kid. He raises this hand straight up in the air and then drops it straight down, imitating the plane diving and crashing.}

BUZZ SHERWOOD: And... that's how I lost my pilot's license.

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by banging two empty beer cans together.}

RED GREEN:

Ohhhhh...
I wish I'd been born a racehorse,
Because, I'll tell you, that sounds like a pretty good goal,
With a trainer and a ninety-pound jockey
Who would ride me for a minute or so.
Will I win the daily double,
The trifecta and the exacter?
'Cause I know what a stud farm is,
And motivation would be a significant factor.

Meet Your MemberEdit

{Red is seated in a chair in another area of the lodge. Next to him is Mike Hamar, who is seated backwards in another chair.}

RED GREEN: And now we've come to a segment of the show that I really enjoy, what I like to call "Meet Your Member".

MIKE HAMAR: Well, to be fair and honest, Mr. Green, I'm not really a member yet. I only applied a few days ago.

RED GREEN: Oh, that's right, you're still in your trial period.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah, and I– I usually don't do too good at trials.

RED GREEN: Well, that's all behind you now. {to camera} Mike has, unfortunately, spent most of his adult life behind bars.

MIKE HAMAR: Yeah. Plus, I leaned on a few.

RED GREEN: Well, I think it's been good for you, don't you? Being around the lodge, around the guys and so on?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, sure! I mean, being around you guys has been great, you know. I've been seeing the way you– you– you– you dress and, uh, hearing the way you talk and seeing what you made of yourself. I mean, that's convinced me, I've gotta get more education.

RED GREEN: {looks disappointed, then brightens up} Oh, so you're going back to school, are ya?

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've got my eye on a business degree. I'm gonna take my thesis in, uh– in, uh, economics, and probably do a masters in, uh, international, uh, money lending.

RED GREEN: Wow!

MIKE HAMAR: As soon as I get my grade A. {smiles}

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, Mike, we've been watching you, and we think you deserve a little pat on the back here, so... {stands up} Mike... {reaches out hand to Mike} ...welcome to Possum Lodge.

MIKE HAMAR: {excited} Oh, really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

{The audience applauds.}

MIKE HAMAR: Boy! {they shake hands; laughs} I'm in?!

RED GREEN: Yeah!

MIKE HAMAR: I'm a member?!

RED GREEN: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati!

MIKE HAMAR: Aw, this is amazing! I've never belonged to nothing legal before.

RED GREEN: Oh, right, right.

MIKE HAMAR: You know what I'm gonna do, Mr. Green? I'm gonna save up my pay and I'm gonna change my {runs finger across chest} Satan tattoo into a possum.

RED GREEN: Well, that's great. And you know what else I got for you? In my wallet, I have your membership card for the Possum Lodge. {feels around in his pants}

MIKE HAMAR: Really?!

RED GREEN: Yeah.

MIKE HAMAR: Really?!

{Mike then digs into his own pants and pulls out a wallet. He looks through it. He pulls out a card and looks at it.}

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, you did this for me?! Aw, gee, thanks, Mr. Green! {holds wallet out to Red, who takes it} What can I ever do for you? {proudly displays card}

RED GREEN: {looking at wallet} Well, you already re– returned that I guess I musta... accidentally dropped somewhere, right?

MIKE HAMAR: {perplexed} ...Sure. {looks uncertain}

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red stands in his workshop in another area of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: This week on Handyman Corner, I thought I would address one of the great ecological issues of our time: namely, the low trade-in value of used vehicles.

{The camera pulls back to reveal Red standing next to an old car.}

RED GREEN: How many times has it happened to you that you finally decided to bite the bullet and get yourself a new car? {makes driving motions with his hands} You drive down there in the old clunker, running on one cylinder, coughin' up smoke like a Jamaican barbecue, and you say to the salesman, "How much are you gonna allow me for it?", and he says, "Roughly zero." So you push the whole unit back home, and that's why we got so many of these sitting out in the backyards of everybody's houses all the way across North America. Well, I'm thinking, with this taxidermy shootout thing that we got going on, maybe we could turn this thing into a duck blind. Now, the first thing you have to do is you have to break the unit down into its components. {feels car} Which is actually not that hard to do, because these cars usually have a sweet spot... {feels door} Yeah, there we are. Right there. {lifts up a sledgehammer} Then you just hit her right at that area.

{Red swings the sledgehammer at the car and hits it. The head of the car, the radiator grill, the headlights and the front bumper, all fall off the car. Then after a few seconds, the side of the car surrounding the left front tire falls off as well.}

RED GREEN: There we go. Now you throw away anything that doesn't look like a duck blind. {shows off car with its pieces off} And then you reassemble all the duck blind-like components, using acetylene torch or bolts or rivets... {picks up several rolls of duct tape from off roof} Or the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red has removed a car fender from the car, which is now an odd shape, with the side now in the front and the wheels now completely removed, among other things.}

RED GREEN: Okay, that's the basic shape of it, but, uh, it's not exactly portable. So you should either have thought of that before you ripped the wheels off, or you can do what I'll do... {picks up a can of paint} Camouflage it!

{Red takes the can of paint and dumps small splotches of paint over the car. Wipe to a later scene. The car-turned-duck-blind is now completely covered in paint. The roof also has several duck decoys duct-taped to it.}

RED GREEN: Okay, now, to me, this just screams ducks, huh? {puts down paint can; picks up rifle} That paint job makes it look like they've been flying over it for years. I added the decoys on top there for a little extra touch of credibility. If you don't have actual decoys, you could, uh, take some hood ornaments and put fur mitts on 'em. {opens car door; gets in} And you know, you leave the car battery hooked up, have your radio on or... {closes door} your defrosters running or... {rolls down window; leans his head out} your lights on for night huntin' or whatever. Oh, I know most of you will do your hunting out the windows, but sometimes, if the bugs get bad, you can roll up all the windows and still keep huntin'. Watch this.

{Red sticks his rifle out the fuel door on the front of the car-turned-duck-blind. It sticks out slightly. Red leans his head out the window again.}

RED GREEN: Necessity is the mother of an inventor, isn't it? And there's lots of things you can make like this: a bus shelter for the kids, a dog house, an impressive toboggan, a whitewater suicide machine. You're only limited by your own imagination and the laws in your area. To me, it makes a great duck blind. So remember, until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red honks the car horn on the steering wheel. The horn makes a quacking sound like a duck.}

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red stands in the woods, wearing a yellow rain slicker. He touches his tongue with his finger.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up, I got a comment...

{Cut to Red in the lodge, holding a mounted fish. He looks toward Harold.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...on the teenagers, I shot my first trout...

{Cut to Bill jumping in the air and slam-dunking a basketball, first from the side, then from behind the basket.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and, uh, Bill's gonna do his impression of Kareem Abdul Dork.

Red's Advice To TeenagersEdit

{Red is seen in the woods outside the lodge in a yellow slicker. He uses a chainsaw to cut off the handle of an axe sticking into a tree.}

RED GREEN: Oh, all right, all right, well, you know, teenagers have always been doing stupid stuff anyway, and... Actually, it seems every generation, uh, tries to push the envelope of idiocy. But this new game, I mean, they're not only pushing the envelope, they're lickin' it and cuttin' themselves on it. I'm talking about these kids now gettin' their bodies pierced. I was just starting to get my head around earrings on guys, and now they're punching holes in their eyebrows and their nose and their belly buttons and their who knows what all. I'm waiting to see a guy come down the street with a three-ring binder attached to his chest. {takes another axe next to a stump} What is the point of all this, anyway? Are these mooring rings so they can tie themselves to the school desk and learn more? I don't think so. I saw a girl, she had seven buttons on her tongue! Looked like a little meat vest. {sticks out his tongue and touches tip of it with finger} And that (?) over speed bumps. I'll tell ya, folks, I don't get it. We were taught that you grow up clean and honest, you be kind to your neighbor, and you try to end life's journey with the same number of holes you started with.

{Red starts chopping at the stump with the ax.}

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red runs into the lodge excitedly. He holds something.}

RED GREEN: Well, the first annual taxidermy shootout is well underway and we've already bagged a few trophies. Junior Singleton shot a stuffed weasel that was duct-taped to a tree. And Buster Hadfield, beauty! He nailed one them big bald eagles. It was stapled to the top of a telephone pole. We had a little set– a little setback there: Junior Singleton emptied a few rounds into a couple of bearskin rugs that were hanging on a clothesline, {waves hand} but that's just pure enthusiasm. {holds up what it is he holds: a trout mounted on a piece of wood} And, uh, I got this baby here. It was sittin' on top of a big oil drum down by the dock.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Like shooting fish on a barrel, huh? {laughs}

RED GREEN: Yeah. Trout are good huntin', aren't they, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah. So Uncle Red, has anybody shot Thor yet?

RED GREEN: Oh, the polar bear. No. Old Man Sedgewick thought he saw him, but it was just Moose huntin' naked. {Harold stares at the camera} I'll tell ya, this hunting stuffed animals, I think, is gonna be the number one sport around here.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, not necessarily, Uncle Red. Someone has reported seeing a unicorn owl. {nods; laughs}

RED GREEN: {scratches neck} Yeah, I think– I think Artie stuck one up in the barn rafters with drywall screws.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no! No! This is like a real one, but it flew away! We haven't seen one of those around here in fifteen years! {giggles} They're supposed to be extinct!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I think Old Man Sedgewick bagged the last one with his breath.

HAROLD GREEN: {shakes head} I don't know, Uncle Red, I think you guys should stop your hunting, just in case this rare bird gets hit accidentally.

RED GREEN: No. No, no, we'll just cancel out the bird part of the competition. Guys can still hunt the zebras and the ostriches and that big stuffed recliner that Artie made for his father-in-law.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, Uncle Red, I find it very exciting, a unicorn owl right around here! Isn't that exciting? Right around here!

RED GREEN: Yeah... He's just passing through, right, Harold?

Harold's AnnouncementsEdit

{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale: set of bagpipes. No longer plays music, but makes a great wineskin for six people at once".

Visit With Ranger GordEdit

{Red and Gord stand outside the latter's fire watchtower, behind a table. On the table are three paper bags, each a different size: a small one, a medium-sized one and a large one.}

RED GREEN: Here we are with our friend, Ranger Gord.

RANGER GORD: {salutes} Hi, Red. Hi, everyone. {pauses} I'm fine.

RED GREEN: {looking at tower behind them} Gord, shouldn't we be up in the tower there so you can keep an eye out for the forest fires and so on?

RANGER GORD: No. No, not today, Red. Artie Kay hot-glue-gunned a stuffed duck to my roof, and with all the shooting going on today, it's just not safe.

{Suddenly, a gun is heard going off. Startled, Red and Gord duck down under the table as a bullet supposedly whizzes by over their heads. They then get back up.}

RED GREEN: Man!

RANGER GORD: 'Course, with the return of the, uh, unicorn owl, all that will change.

RED GREEN: Gord, there is no unicorn owl around here. And so what if there was?

RANGER GORD: Well, that would mean that the entire Possum Lake area would be turned into a sanctuary.

{Another gun is heard going off. Again, Red and Gord duck down as the bullet from the gun passes over. They then get back up.}

RANGER GORD: So I'm looking out for that owl, folks, and, um, I thought everybody might like to see how we track animals in the wild.

RED GREEN: All right.

RANGER GORD: {picking up small paper bag and handing it to Red} Take a look at those.

RED GREEN: {taking bag} Oh, yeah, we use these. {reaches hand into bag} Yeah, candies used to attract animals. {pulls something out} These look darn good, Gord. {puts thing to his mouth to eat it}

RANGER GORD: Those are rabbit droppings. {suddenly disgusted, Red puts them back in the bag} Yeah, don't eat those, they're full of cholesterol.

{Red wipes his hand on his pants. Gord takes the bag away.}

RANGER GORD: So, uh, that's how we identify animals. Um... {picks up medium-sized bag} That's from a raccoon.

{Gord holds the bag in Red's face. An odor comes out of it. Red recoils in disgust, looking away and coughing. Gord puts the bag down and picks up the large paper bag.}

RANGER GORD: And if you ever want to track a moose, you wanna...

{Suddenly, the bottom of the bag tears open and the moose droppings fall out on the ground. Red walks around, trying to get the stuff off his shoes. He starts walking away from Gord and the table.}

RANGER GORD: Oh, oh, um, I'm sorry about that. You know, um, folks, around this time a year, a moose will eat a lot of berries and... {shakes hands nervously, looking rather sick} There you have it. So, uh, there it is. Uh, if you ever want to identify some of the animals that are in the woods around you, just look for the kind of droppings that are around, and it'll tell you exactly what's around you.

RED GREEN: {still walking around several feet behind Gord and the table} And if you see something that look like it come out of a unicorn owl, kick it under the bushes so nobody sees it.

Male CallEdit

{Red and Harold are seated in two chairs in an isolated, somewhat darkened area of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: It's Male Call!

{Harold picks up a large bell and rings it wildly and makes a howling noise. He then picks up a letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, uh... Oh, here's a letter from... {looks at letter} Phil Morton of Grande Prairie, Alberta. {looks at letter again, puzzled} Or– Or Bill Nerlin of Grant Price, Alabama. I... {Red, too, looks perplexed} Could be Dill Martin of Great Proud America, I don't...

RED GREEN: Bad handwriting, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at letter} It looks like Barb Wire, I don't know what.

RED GREEN: Must be a doctor.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh... {reads letter} "Dear Red–". Or is that "Death Bed"? I... {looks again} "Dead Bear".

RED GREEN: Yeah, probably "Dead Bear", yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: "Dead Bear"? Alright, okay. Uh... {reads some more} "I am your number-one fan." {rereads} Or– or– or "fur" or "fuzz", I don't... {continues to read} "I am your number-one fuzz. I never muss a simple epilogue. I have every epilogue of 'The Dead Bear Show' on type. My flavorite part of the snow is 'Handyman's Corneree'. My waif says her flavoline part of the proyam is 'Adrentures With Boil'. She rally licked the one where Boil built a hand glitter and tried to fry it. Kelp up the gourd walk and kelp your steak on the eyes." {Red stares as Harold struggles} "Your fried, Bleb." {stares again} Oh! "B.S., Bleach singe me up for the Bossum Lounge Far Clump."

RED GREEN: {with uncertainty} Okay, well, uh, thanks for rotting, Bleb. Very glad you employ the shaw. And I'll certainly tell Boil your waif really licked "Adrentures With Boil". {pauses} Drop us a line again sometime soup, and I'll get my nephew Herman here to singe you and your way up to the Bossum Lounge Far Clump.

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red and Harold stand in a basketball half-court in a park beyond the lodge. The Possum Van is parked nearby. They toss a basketball back and forth to each other. However, Bill then runs past, wearing a basketball uniform. He catches the basketball in mid-toss, as Harold tosses it to Red. This week, Adventures With Bill goes to court, and with good reason.
Bill runs back up, dribbling the ball and waving to the camera. He makes several motions where he jerks the ball out towards Red and Harold several times. He bounces the ball once and it jams painfully into his crotch, crippling him. You know, you get that one guy, just the goof guy. Look at this, look at this.
Cut to a later scene. Bill is about to toss the ball into the hoop, while Red and Harold try to block him. Bill then simply ducks under them and runs toward the basket. He tosses the ball toward the basket, but it bounces off the rim. It starts bouncing away, but Bill catches it. Oh, thank goodness. Bill, that's not the way. You gotta dri– Bill? Oh, for gosh sake! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, nice shot.
Bill returns, carrying the ball. He tries to shoot a basket, but each time, the ball simply bounces off the backboard. One shot goes up through the net and the hoop. Another shot goes up toward the bottom of the hoop, but bounces off the rim. Another shot bounces off the rim and hits Bill on the nose. You've heard of the natural? Bill is the artificial. Bill, this is not working for you. Bill? Bill! You stink, Bill.
Frustrated, Bill stomps off. He returns holding a chainsaw, already turned on. He places the saw towards the bottom of the pole and starts cutting it. Red and Harold look at what Bill is doing. Red steps back while Harold stands there, then jumps back as the pole, with the hoop, net and backboard on it, falls over. So Bill gets an idea. He figures that the problem is the net's too high. It's not that the ball is too low, so... he'll lower that net. That's kind of a permanent solution there. Look out, Harold! Harold, the net! Harold! Oh, man, I'm surrounded here!
Later, Bill unreels a huge bandage wrapped around his right leg. Still later, he wraps the bandage around the pole, tying it, now shortened, to the base. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera. He then takes the basketball and tries again to dunk the ball. He tosses the ball, but again, it bounces against the backboard without going through the hoop. All right, so Bill undoes the– one of his many tenser bandages, and he uses that to attach the cut pole, so now... Look at that, look at that. Chances are he might be able to actually dunk this one, isn't there, Bill? Uh, maybe not. Okay, you know, shoot with the legs. Shoot with the legs. Go home, Bill. Go home.
Frustrated, Bill kicks the basketball off-screen. The ball hits Harold and knocks him down. Bill makes some frustrated motions. He's getting to be frustrated now. Look out! Oh, oh! Way to watch the ball there, Harold.
Bill then takes off his shoes and shows them to the camera. Red walks up and Bill holds his shoes in front of Red's face, who recoils from the evident odor coming from. Bill shrugs and throws the shoes on the ground. He then walks off. Um, all right. Oh, oh, I forgot. Uh, his– his theory now is that it's the shoes. It's the shoes! And they're not totally blameless. So out he goes and he's gonna get himself...
Later, Red and Harold are reattaching the cut pole of the basket to its original position by hammering nails into them. Red is hammering the nails in carefully, but Harold has difficulty with his hammer and nails, hitting against the side and carelessly hitting the head. His nail just bends around without actually going into the pole. ...some of the fancy... what are they, 12,000 dollar... So Harold and I kinda... Harold's good with a hammer, isn't he?
Still later, the basket pole has been repaired. Red successfully shoots the basketball through the hoop. Bill then runs up, holding a shoebox. He gives a thumbs-up to the camera and then runs off-screen. Red then dunks the ball again. Oh, boy. I hope he gets an education. And here he comes. He's looking a little thinner, 'cause his wallet's gone. Got himself one of those fancy signature shoes they use...
Bill sits on a bench, eagerly opening up the shoebox. He tosses the lid and the paper covering behind him. He then looks inside and sees a shoe. He takes it out and examines it excitedly. He looks at the camera and mouths, "Wow!" He laughs. ...in all the big basketball– Let's have a look, let's have a look. What do they look like? What're they like? Oh, my gosh, look at that! Wow! {laughs}
Later, through a series of cuts, Bill is fixing up his new shoes while wearing them. First, he sits on the bench and sticks a tire pump into the tip of his left shoe, pumping air into it. Next, he pours motor oil through a funnel over the tip of one of his shoes. Then he tightens up his right shoe with a socket wrench, holding up his leg to do so and straining with the effort. Okay, pump those babies up there, eh, Bill? What's that stuff? Some 10-W30 there. You can play in the winter and everything. Oh, my gosh, don't hurt yourself there, Bill.
Later still, Bill is now bouncing high over the basket. He manages to effortlessly slam-dunk the ball through basket this time as he passes over. He then jumps up to the basket and again slam-dunks the ball. He jumps up again, this time behind the backboard and slam-dunks the ball from there. He then slam-dunks once again, this time upside-down. What? Oh, my gosh! Look at the difference! It is the shoes! Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! That's good shooting!
Bill then jumps toward the basket again, but he accidentally lands in the net just below the hoop and is stuck. Red tosses the ball up to the basket where Bill is stuck, but it bounces off his rear and comes back down. Harold catches the ball and takes a shot himself. Again, it bounces off of Bill's rear and goes through the hoop and into the net, where it can't fall down because of Bill's feet in it. Look out, Bill, don't get overconfid– Oh... I'll get him down. Oh. Sorry, Bill, didn't mean that. Oh, a butt dunk.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red is dressed as a bear, using a bear rug. He looks toward Harold with a look of sadness.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up, we got a fashion statement from me...

{Cut to Red and Buzz out on the dock by the latter's plane. Buzz playfully reaches out to the camera, which falls over. Red tries to coax it back up.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} ...and Buzz Sherwood kinda actin' like a tailor, taking Harold's inseam measurement.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Harold tunes his switcher while Red enters the lodge, wearing a bearskin rug.}

RED GREEN: Well, the annual Possum Lake taxidermy shootout's really picking up speed. Guys are really getting into it. Junior took the fun fur seat covers out of his Plymouth so we can practice on those. We just gotta get the unicorn owl outta here before the conservationists spot it.

HAROLD GREEN: That's right, 'cause once they see it, there won't be any more hunting or fishing or chopping or digging or burning or trampling.

RED GREEN: {worried; puts up arms} I know. How're we gonna commune with nature?

HAROLD GREEN: Uncle Red, are you aware that you're standing under a bear?

RED GREEN: {to camera} A lot of us are dressing up like animals to chase the owls away.

HAROLD GREEN: {walks up close to Red; amused} Can owls fly when they're laughing? {laughs} Because... {holds up hands like owl's talons}

RED GREEN: {sadly} It's not fair, Harold. We finally find something to do that doesn't hurt anybody and they're gonna make us stop. How come when you get older, they take away everything that's fun?

HAROLD GREEN: How come fun always have to be something that's useless, dangerous and destructive?

RED GREEN: It just does, that's all!

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Come on, Uncle Red, think about it! Wouldn't it be exciting to have, like, a– a unicorn owl around Possum Lodge?

RED GREEN: Well, we've already got one guy who's birdbrained, big-beaked and beady-eyed, and sounds just like an owl.

HAROLD GREEN: Who? Who?

{Red stares at Harold, who looks around nervously.}

RED GREEN: {holds up one hand} I don't know how many endangered species one lodge can stand.

{Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Harold's Announcements 2Edit

{Harold is seated on a windowsill in the lodge. He looks at a clipboard.}

HAROLD GREEN: {reading} "For sale: '78 AMC Pacer. Engine seized up. Makes a perfect greenhouse".

Visit With Buzz SherwoodEdit

{Red walks out toward the dock next to Buzz's plane. The surface of the lake is covered in small pieces of some feathery material. This material is coming from an open pillow, held by Buzz, who is trying to put the material on his plane.}

RED GREEN: We're up here with our resident bush pilot, Buzz Sherwood, to get an update on the unicorn owl situation.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {walking up to Red} Yo, the big Red guy! How's it going? {to camera} And Harold! {reaches his hand out to camera} Whoa!

{The camera backs away and then falls over. Red and Buzz look down at the camera.}

RED GREEN: Come on, Harold. Stand up straight or start wearing a supporter or something. {camera gets back up} Buzz, what the heck are you doing here?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Red, I'm disguising my plane to look like a giant unicorn owl, right? Then I'm gonna go flying around, looking for the little guy.

RED GREEN: Oh, you're gonna scare him away, right?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: No, I'm not gonna go scaring him away! Not with the conservationists tracking him down. You know, they got a transmitter on him, trying to steer him towards a female for a big love-in. {puts more feathers on his plane}

RED GREEN: Well, I still don't see why you're turning your plane into the Ugly Duckling here.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {walks up to Red} Oh, well, you see, I figure, I'm gonna fly around and– and I'm gonna show him some major unicorn owl moves so that he can really impress the babes, right? 'Cause he's been alone a long time, gone without, and I really know how that feels.

RED GREEN: {amused} Yeah, yeah. Buzz, what kind of bird moves can you show an owl?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Oh, well, I was reading up on that, Red, right? {digs into pillow and pulls out two handfuls of feathers} And there's, like, two he's gotta remember, okay? {moves handfuls of feathers around} So, like, he flies in beside her, right? And he goes, "Hi, how are you? Come to this swamp often? And can I get you a mouse?" And then she goes, "Back off, creep! I'm here with my sister!" {shakes handfuls of feathers together; several feathers all fall off} And she tries to scratch his eyes out!

RED GREEN: Oh, boy! That could be dangerous!

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Could be, could be. But I figure we'll be okay as long as I don't try to flap my wings. And, you know, when it comes to the intimate mating stuff...

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

BUZZ SHERWOOD: ...you know, we'll try and keep him away from the propeller, 'cause pffff! {holds up one hand} He could immiserate.

RED GREEN: You know what I'm thinking? Why don't you get him {reaches arms way out away from himself} a long ways away from here to teach him this stuff?

BUZZ SHERWOOD: {looking up} Good idea!

RED GREEN: Yeah. Yeah.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah! Because, you know, he'll be a little embarrassed, right, hitting on the babes for the first time. He could be a little rusty. Could strike out a coupla times, right?

RED GREEN: Oh, for sure.

BUZZ SHERWOOD: Yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

Red's PoetryEdit

{The surrounding area is covered in snow. Red sits on a stump, wearing a heavy parka. He opens a book and reads from it.}

RED GREEN: "Figure Skating" by me:

We're skating on the pond
And Moose Thompson does a triple axel,
Followed by a quadruple Lutz
And a triple toe loop.
That's what happens when you're on a breakaway
And you catch your toe on a frozen weasel.

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Red enters the lodge while Harold tunes his switcher. Red has a piece of paper in his hand.}

RED GREEN: Well, the Possum Lake taxidermy shootout was a huge success. We ended up with the same number of dead things we started with, so that's always good. The only drawback was nobody wanted to give anything back to Artie. They said, "I shot it, I keep it." So I guess next year, we'll be shooting pictures of animals.

HAROLD GREEN: And the conservationists came and they took the, y'know, the unicorn owl back to his mate so they could... {laughs nervously} ...mate? {laughs again} You know, the way they'll be mating, so when they're looking for him, they'll be busy 'cause they're mating? {laughing} You know, the way a bird has a bird?

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Sounds like you're having one yourself there, Harold. {shakes head; to camera} And of course, the government can't stick its nose in without coming up with some cash. {holds up paper} So they gave me this infraction. {looks at paper}

HAROLD GREEN: What do you got there?

RED GREEN: Oh, I– I shot their truck. It's amazing how much a Land Rover looks like a Blue Rhino.

HAROLD GREEN: Especially with your eyesight.

RED GREEN: Well, that's why I have the semiautomatic. The aim is not so crucial on that.

HAROLD GREEN: So then I guess the biggest prize of the day is this hundred-dollar ticket of yours. Are you gonna have it mounted? {laughs}

RED GREEN: No, but I may have you stuff it.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, there's the cry of the possum. Meeting time. {takes off switcher}

RED GREEN: Yeah, you go ahead, Harold. I'll be down... in a little while.

HAROLD GREEN: Alright. {sets switcher down and heads for basement stairs}

RED GREEN: {to camera} Well, you know, as you get older, you realize you can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you can get yet another financial setback. {puts hands on hips} So if my wife is watching, the great white hunter will be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'll be bringing a second-time-around wild turkey. Kinda light on the meat and heavy on the stuffing, if you know what I mean. And to the rest of ya, thanks so much for watching and on behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waves} keep your stick on the ice. {smiles and waves some more}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting in the basement. Dalton Humphrey and Dougie Franklin walk past the stairs into the basement, followed by Red. Several other men are walking into the meeting as well to take their seats. Some are throwing paper airplanes at each other. Red, Dalton and Dougie take their places at the front of the meeting, beside Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: Come on! Stand up! Everybody, stand up!

{Everybody stands up and crosses their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone sits down, except for Red, who remains standing.}

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