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The complete transcript The Sing Along Machine

IntroEdit

{"The Red Green Show" intro plays. After introducing the characters, there are a few scenes from the show, followed by a stock footage of a bird flying through the sky at sunset, amid various gunshot sounds.}

{Open to a scene inside the Possum Lodge. Camera slowly pans forward.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now, it's time to prove that men do not need lives to find desperation, no way, they're loud. And we picked a loud man. Don't you think of the men of Possum Lodge generally? My uncle in particular? He's the leader of the Possum Lodge, and that's only because we weren't— you know, the discouraging lack of turnout on the election day. But anyway, here's the star of The Red Green Show, and that's due mainly to the fact that he has the same name. Anyway, here he is, Mr. Red Green!

RED GREEN: Thank you, Harold. Thank you, and welcome to the Possum Lodge. Please don't judge the show by anything Harold says, or does. He's only my producer and director, because first of all, he's my nephew, and secondly, this is black fly country which really teaches you to put up with just about anything.

HAROLD GREEN: And I'm here to put juice in the show, like this.

{Harold presses a button, which causes the screen to zoom out and spin around on a red background. Zooms back in.}

HAROLD GREEN: Hoo ha! Woo!

RED GREEN: We may let them watch a half hour of that. Anyway, things are really hopping up at the lodge this week. Eddie made a special stew. Tasted like a Hungarian galosh.

HAROLD GREEN: You know what I think the problem is. I think Eddie doesn't concentrate on— when he cooks.

RED GREEN: Well, that's it in a nutshell, Harold. And some of that shell. Eddie's mind is somewhere else.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, Broadway. He wants to sing on Broadway.

RED GREEN: Oh, no. I think it's— it's more of the off-Broadway, isn't it Harold? I mean, when he sings it sounds off. I mean, way off Broadway. Maybe the Yukon.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, I think we should maybe just get on to the next segment, Uncle Red. Remember that "pacing" thing we talked about at the last production meeting?

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. So anyway, a bunch of the guys, you know, managed to have a word with Eddie. You know, once the keg of PeptAid kicked in. They were kind of rough on him. Especially Moose Thomson, because Moose, he'd had a whole bag full of stew, and the thing with Moose is, he eats so darn fast, he really doesn't taste anything until he's into the third plateful.

HAROLD GREEN: We're going...

RED GREEN: Uh, yeah, so once Moose had finished, you know, talking to Eddie about his physical appearance, his religious practice, and his ethnic background, Eddie has decided to really back off on the cooking and focus his full attention on the show biz career.

HAROLD GREEN: {swinging back and forth} Woo! We're going!

RED GREEN: Yeah, I'm— I'm done, Harold, go ahead.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh. Oh, uh, uh, okay. All right. All right. {presses button, nothing happens} Didn't do nothing. Okay. {into headset} Larry, Larry, my manual up there? The— {loud, high-pitched noise} Yeah, oh, that's loud! Loud!

{screen zooms out to the Possum Lodge exterior}

HAROLD GREEN: There we go. Ah!

In The LodgeEdit

EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay. Attach air raid siren to truck alternator.

BILL SMITH: Check.

EDDIE JOHNSON: And then, plug unit in.

BILL SMITH: All right.

EDDIE JOHNSON: Bill, you plug it in, and I'll pump up the volume.

HAROLD GREEN: An air raid siren? What— what is this thing, Eddie?

EDDIE JOHNSON: This is a karaoke machine, Harold. You see, you put the, uh, the tape, with just the music on it right in here, and then you sing along. Very ?

HAROLD GREEN: Wow, I— surprising. Hey, the Japanese workers are in the factories, singing songs, and they're making all those camcorders?

EDDIE: The Japanese are very powerful in the business. And there's no business like show business, and that's my business, and now I've got a machine that's gonna hone my skills.

{Red walks in behind Eddie.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, you've got a cup on it.

EDDIE JOHNSON: I'm going to be on Broadway, Harold, and you are not going to rain on my parade. I'm going to be the next Bobbita

RED GREEN: What does this thing here cost, Eddie?

EDDIE JOHNSON: I–I-I-I got a real deal from Murray, see, he makes these in his basement. Oh, wait till you hear the sound on this thing, Red.

{Eddie stands up and takes the mic.}

EDDIE JOHNSON: Okay, Bill, there's a plug over there behind the stove. Wanna get it?

{Bill plugs the machine in. Sparks start to fly, and Eddie shakes frantically.}

HAROLD GREEN: Whoo-hoo-hoo! There's a light show, too!

{Bill claps.}

RED GREEN: Bill, Bill, Bill. ? Looks like Eddie took a big jolt there.

HAROLD GREEN: Why? Was he standing in water?

RED GREEN: No, but I am.

{Murray and Dwayne Woolworth walk in.}

MURRAY WOOLWORTH: Hey, Eddie, we got that songbook list for you. What's the matter with him? Singing falsetto?

RED GREEN: No, er, he just got some feedback from your Kamikaze machine there.

DWAYNE: We brought you the ? tracks to Funny Girl, Annie Get Your Gun, and South Pacific. Except for I'm Going To Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair. Murray and I didn't think you wanted that one anyway.

{Two guys walk in.}

DOC RENDOR: Well, you don't have to decide right now. Better get away from him, Dwayne. Might be a goner.

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