The complete transcript for The Ski & Golf Project



{Red stands fishing by the edge of the lake.}

RED GREEN: We're moving towards becoming a non-violent society, and that's a good thing, especially for lawyers, 'cause now we do all our fighting in court. {the title "The Ski & Golf Project" is displayed} Lawsuits are not as immediate or cost-effective as punching your neighbor in the head, but I think it's better to lose money and have to go earn more than to spend the rest of your life with a permanently-bent face. Well, now, we've got so much maturity and non-violence that we've turned into a bunch of guys who will sue anybody about anything. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are.

Title sequenceEdit

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to Red trying to unwind some elastic string from what seems to be his underwear.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Comin' up on today's show, I'm gonna take all the elastic out of my underwear, for no reason, really.

{Cut to Red holding up a hacksaw and using it to saw something between his legs.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Then I gotta do a little bit of... Looks like I'm sawing something there.

{Cut to Red standing near Glen in a boat on a trailer. Red holds a piece of wood between his legs and uses an old drill to try and drill a hole in it.}

RED GREEN: Then I'll do a bit of... Actually, how to use your legs as a vice, I think, this week.

{Cut to Red ducking down behind Bill, who is using a very long golf club to swing at a golf ball.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Bill's going for a long drive.

Plot Segment 1Edit

{The camera pans through the lodge past Harold. The audience applauds.}

HAROLD GREEN: And now, let's have a big hand for the handiest handyman with the hand-handed hands that you have to hand it to handily, {giggles} my uncle, {points to front door} Red Green!

{Red enters the lodge, waving. The audience cheers. Harold applauds.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. {gestures toward Harold} How 'bout a big fist for my nephew, Harold?

{Harold plays his switcher. The screen is temporarily plastered onto a crate, which is then crushed by a giant golf ball.}

HAROLD GREEN: The camera doesn't stand there and talk.

RED GREEN: {shakes head} Big week for Moose Thompson: he finds out today whether or not he's a millionaire. See, last winter, Moose went over to the Possum Precipice Ski Resort and Golf Club. And what happens with that is that in the summer, it's about the hilliest golf course you've ever seen, and during the winter, it's kind of a lame ski resort. Anyway, Moose was over there last February, collecting worms for fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: I never really understood, why was he collecting worms in the winter?

RED GREEN: Ice fishing.

HAROLD GREEN: {stares, then nods} That's our Moose.

RED GREEN: Yeah. So he was leaning down there, you know, digging around for the– for the– for the worms there at the bottom of the giant slalom downhill, which is also a par two during the summer. And a skier comes down and nailed him right in the head.

HAROLD GREEN: {grimaces} Ooh! Lucky it wasn't his foot or something he uses.

RED GREEN: Well, Moose is now suing the owners 'cause he said they should've had a sign there saying don't lean down and stick your head in there, because your ear will freeze in the ice and then a skier will come down and hit you right in the head.

HAROLD GREEN: And he's suing for a million dollars in damages?

RED GREEN: Yeah, he says the collision affected his thinking.

HAROLD GREEN: He proved it?

RED GREEN: {nods} Exactly, and now it's harder to find a girl or be happy or get a decent job.

HAROLD GREEN: How did he figure that?

RED GREEN: Well, apparently, his lawyer is using you as a legal precedent.

{Harold starts to nod, but then becomes nervous as he plays his switcher.}

Segue: Dalton HumphreyEdit

{Dalton sits inside his store.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: You are watching The Red Green Show! {laughing} People will buy anything, won't they?

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar and Harold accompanies him by tapping on a plastic gas can.}

RED GREEN: {singing}

Well, if you ever need to prove you're a man,
Here's something you should try.

HAROLD GREEN: Should try!


See if you can climb up Tucker's Mountain
When the sun is hot and high.



It's three hundred feet, and it's all straight up,
And it feels like it's gonna collapse.
Tucker built the whole mountain himself,
And believe me, that's a lot of beer bottle caps.

{Harold repeatedly taps the gas can as if trying to do a solo, but he accidentally drops it.}

RED GREEN: Not the fire. {Harold looks nervous}

Buddy SystemEdit

{Red and Winston run down into the Lodge basement and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, there are certain things that the woman in your life is gonna ask you, and you're not gonna have time to think of an answer.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And the worst one of these is, "Am I fat?"

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Now, for sure, you're not gonna say yes, eh, unless you got a death wish, eh? {Red nods} But you even gotta say no the right way, or this conversation's going into triple overtime!

RED GREEN: Just say no right away! Just no! Don't think about it, don't pause, just say no! Don't say, "Well... no, not really."

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But you know something? You dare shouldn't go too far the other way, neither, eh? Like, for instance, you can't go: {scoffs} "Why, you, fat?! Tell me another one! Get serious! What, are you outta your mind? Oh, sure, all your friends are fat, and both your sisters. And your mom. But you?! You're like an underfed chicken, eh? It's scary how skinny you are!" As the great Wilbur Shakespeare once said, "Methinks the lady doth process too much." {Red stares} What?

RED GREEN: Just say no, and then– and then right away, invite her out for dinner, huh? That way, you're gonna look like a hero, and she's obviously thinking about her waist; she's probably not even gonna take you up on it!


RED GREEN: Yeah! {leans in close to Winston; softly} Am I fat?


Handyman CornerEdit

{Red stands in his workshop in another area of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: Well, with Moose Thompson going after the ski and golf resort, it got me thinking about some way you could be golfing year 'round without having to phone in sick to the office from Florida all winter. 'Course, this would mean, you'd have to be golfing indoors. And for that, of course, you're gonna need a pretty big house. Probably a hundred forty million square feet, {gestures with both arms wide open} maybe go with that– one of them open concept things, and the high ceilings, 'cause you're gonna need some mature trees in there and maybe a bathtub water hazard. A dog leg in at least three of the rooms. {points to camera} I'll tell you what you can do: you can have an indoor driving range. {picks up a golf ball} All's you need is one of these old-fashioned golf balls, the kind that inside is all elastic, {moves hand around ball repeatedly} wound around and around and around and around and around. You gotta unwind all that. I'll tell ya, when I was a teenager, oftentimes, we'd spend an entire summer just unwinding the one golf ball. We made it four miles long. That's the kind of fun with rubber we had when we were kids. Times have changed, haven't they? {sets golf ball on table} All right, so step one is, you gotta get the outer casing off the ball. {goes over to a set of clubs in the corner} Club selection's important. {pulls out an axe} I'll go with my tree wood. {walks back over to golf ball} All right, here we go.

{Red raises his axe in the air and brings it down on the golf ball. It flies off the table and onto the floor.}

RED GREEN: Floor! {looks around} Uh, okay. {sets axe down; picks up another golf ball} Plan B.

{Red picks up a chainsaw and turns it on. He brings it down gently on top of the golf ball, but when it touches the ball, it, too, flies off the table on the floor. Red raises his hand in frustration.}

RED GREEN: Oh, what am I thinking of? {picks up a third golf ball and a hacksaw} Safety first, huh?

{Red places the golf ball between his knees and starts sawing feverishly. Wipe to a later scene. Red shakes his hand in pain. His pants have strips of duct tape covering them. He looks at the golf ball in his hand, which had been cut in half.}

RED GREEN: All right, well, I got it all taken apart here. {puts ball on table} And I got the elastic unwound, but... {holds up elastic, which looks shredded} I may have cut it a little deep, uh, just about everything there, so, uh... {puts shredded elastic aside} Handyman has to be able to adapt, so... {feels around in his pants} Another source of elastic. Y'know, got the elastic in the underwear waistband, y'know? {starts pulling out elastic thread from inside his pants} And I'll just– {starts unwinding elastic from his underwear and putting it on the table} I'll be right with you on this.

{Red continues to unwind the elastic from his underwear. Wipe to a later scene. Red finishes unwinding the underwear elastic, which ends with a snap.}

RED GREEN: There we go. Alright, now... {picks up one end of the elastic} take the end of that, {picks up golf ball} and you just attach that to the ball using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape.

{Red puts the elastic and the ball between his fingers in one hand and starts feeling around in his pants with the other. Wipe to a later scene. Red holds up a ball, different than the golf ball, attached to the elastic with duct tape.}

RED GREEN: All right, now, you would do this, of course, with a golf ball, but, uh, Harold had me use something a little bit bigger, so we got a croquet ball here. Harold says that reads better on television, which is kinda confusing to me. I thought people watched television so they didn't have to read. {picks up tee} Then the other end of the elastic you would attach to a normal golf tee here, and... Gosh, I would put a real good knot on that, if I were you. You don't have to use a tee, in fact. You could use a candle or a beer bottle. But with my medical insurance, I thought I'd go with a tee. {gets down on hands and knees beside a cribbage board on floor} And you can set the whole unit up here on a... on a cribbage board, {puts tee in hole in board} and that way, you put the tee into the cribbage board, and you don't actually have to drill a hole in the floor of your family room. {puts duct tape-covered ball on tee} Although I'm not sure they'd enjoy stuff like that. {gets up} All right, and when you pick your area, {pulls out a golf club from golf bag} try to make sure that it's, uh, you know, away from some furniture that you have some value in. The china cabinets or a chandelier, that type of thing. {gestures off-screen} And the target now should be somewhere out there. Maybe one of them big double sliding doors. Get them opened up, or at least hit it into a room you don't care about. {prepares to hit the duct tape-covered ball with club} Remember... keep your head still.

{Red swings the club at the ball and hits it. The ball flies off-screen. The elastic unravels and stretches out as far as possible. The ball crashes into something and the elastic creaks.}

RED GREEN: Oh, boy! That was a beauty! Felt good. I got that one. And the beauty of this system is, the elastic will bring the ball right back to ya.

{Suddenly, Red ducks down as the elastic snaps back toward him. The ball flies over his head. It ricochets against various objects behind him. Red sits up.}

RED GREEN: And, uh, you get a chance to rest between shots. {nods; holds up index finger} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red gets back to his feet. The ball comes flying back at him. It hits him on the back. He leans and stumbles forward slightly in pain and looks over his shoulder with frustration at the ball.}

Commercial bumperEdit

{Glen stands in a boat, handing Red a long piece of wood.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned. Glen's gonna stand there; I'm gonna do stuff.

{Cut to Harold in the lodge, making crazy dancing motions with his body.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Harold's hearing voices again, except for mine.

Red's Sage AdviceEdit

RED GREEN: Want to talk to all you middle-aged guys out there, 'cause I know what you're going through. I know what it's like to wake up two hours before your body does. Or to watch a full head of old hair swirl down the shower drain, while a bushel of new hair spreads out of your nose and your ears. And at our age, you never know if the call of nature is gonna be a shout, a whine or a whisper. Y'know, going to a washroom is like going to a fireworks display: you stand there waiting for an hour and a half waiting for something to start. And then, once she gets going, there's a lot of oohs and aahs. But you're never really completely sure of when it's over. And having a big hearty meal with spicy food is either gonna be a suicide attempt or a murder suicide, depending on whether or not you're alone in the car. But, that's all just part of getting older. I think it was Oscar Wilde who said, "Youth is wasted on the young." Well, I'll tell ya, pretty much everything is wasted on me. But I'm gonna be hanging in there. I don't like getting old, but it's a lot better than the alternative. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red enters the lodge while Harold tunes his switcher.}

RED GREEN: Well... {throws up his arms} Moose Thompson won the settlement! {drops arms} And now he's the richest guy in the area, at least on paper.

HAROLD GREEN: {ecstatic} Oh, he's a millionaire?! Oh, this is great! You think he'd like to finance my first feature film? "Bikini Madness"! {makes surfing motions with his body and hums surf music}

RED GREEN: {suddenly sober} Calm down, Fellini. {back to camera} The judge awarded Moose 72 dollars, plus an additional thousand dollars in salary, but that went to Moose's parents. Now, unfortunately, the Possum Precipice Ski and Golf Club couldn't pay up, so they had to declare bankruptcy, and now Moose gets all their ski equipment and all their golf equipment. So he's got himself {points to fingers on his hand with other index finger} a chairlift, a ski jump, an electric golf cart that doubles as a snow-making machine, a combination lawnmower and snowplow, eighty pounds of ski wax, and a ball washer.

Segue: Winston RothschildEdit

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Winston Rothschild here from Rothschild's Sewage and Septic Sucking Services. Remember... {holds up his business card on which the slogan and the phone number are displayed} "We'll take that smell off your hands!"

Visit With Glen BrachstonEdit

{Red and Glen stand beside a boat on a trailer near the edge of the lake. Red is leaning against the boat.}

RED GREEN: Here we are at Brachston's marina. This is Glen Brachston. How are you today, Glen?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Not bad at all, Red. {Red nods} Y'know, considering that I'm the victim of two recent heart attacks.

RED GREEN: {nods} That's true. Glen is also the victim of four thousand donuts and a predisposition towards work avoidance. {looks toward Glen}

GLEN BRACHSTON: Well, I guess that's all behind me now.

RED GREEN: {points at Glen} No, there's a fair bit out front there, and some huge chunks on the side.

GLEN BRACHSTON: {gestures towards Red's stomach} Y'know, Red, you're not exactly a gossamer princess yourself. {Red pulls up his pants} Y'know, I think your computer's got a fair-sized input/output error, if you know what I mean.

RED GREEN: {holds up hands} Well, I'm just saying, you are one lazy guy, Glen.

GLEN BRACHSTON: No, no! See, no. I used to be lazy. Now I have to be lazy. Oh, yeah. {climbs up into boat, grunting with effort} The slightest strain and... Oh! Oh, man! Boom! My heart'll blow just like an– an overloaded bilge pump.

RED GREEN: {seeing Glen getting into boat} Oh, oh, oh, oh!

GLEN BRACHSTON: But you know, that's my responsibility.

RED GREEN: All right...

GLEN BRACHSTON: {settling down into boat; puts thermos on side} And I'll take it.


GLEN BRACHSTON: I'm not gonna be like Moose Thompson, no. Sue everybody in the world just because, y'know, they let me overeat.

RED GREEN: All right.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Nope. No, no, just have to live with that, Red. {Red nods} Anyway, for today's boating tip... {opens a thermos}

RED GREEN: {to camera} The court has that big duty.

GLEN BRACHSTON: Help me, Red. Just dropped it.

RED GREEN: {holds up arms} All right.


RED GREEN: Fair enough. {puts arms down}

GLEN BRACHSTON: {pouring from thermos} As I was saying, for today's boating tip... What we're gonna do today is we're gonna build a frame for the boat tarp so you can store your boat properly.

RED GREEN: All right...

GLEN BRACHSTON: {takes out piece of wood from boat} All we need is a piece of wood.

RED GREEN: {taking wood} The board?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Now, as you can see, what you have to do is, you have to drill both ends of this.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

GLEN BRACHSTON: {gestures toward drilled hole in wood} And I've drilled one end already.

RED GREEN: {pointing to hole} Right here?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Right there. {hands Red a hand drill} And, uh, Red, maybe you could drill the other end for me.


GLEN BRACHSTON: {giving Red drill} Here you go.

RED GREEN: All right.

{Red tries to hold the piece of wood between his legs to drill a hole, but it's too awkward.}

GLEN BRACHSTON: Now, what you have to do is, this board actually acts as a centerpiece for the tarp, uh, the frame, and it keeps the tarp off the boat, {Red drops the wood, but tries to pick it up and struggles to hold it between his legs again so he can drill} so the tarp doesn't get all grungy, gooky and messy like, y'know, an old pair of gym socks. {Red struggles to drill the hole} Now, the two holes are so you can tie it to the frame. The parts of the boat.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished drilling the hole in the piece of wood after he has placed it against the side of the boat.}

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red pulls the wood away from the boat, which also has the hole drilled into the side. He proudly holds up the wood, first to the camera, then to Glen.}

RED GREEN: Well, what do you think of that?

GLEN BRACHSTON: Oh, it's a beauty, Red! {looks at it closely and then through hole in boat} That's a nice– Ooh, that's a perfect cut! Look at that!

RED GREEN: {looking at hole in boat} Oh, my gosh!

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, that's a nice one!

RED GREEN: {feeling hole} Oh, boy!

GLEN BRACHSTON: Yeah, that's a beauty. Now, uh, do you think any water will get in there at all?

{Red stares at the camera and then grabs Glen's thermos. He removes the cap from the thermos and sticks it into the hole.}


GLEN BRACHSTON: {examining what Red just did} You know, Red, if I do sue everybody, {points at Red} you're my lawyer.

{Glen shakes his head while Red turns to the camera, grinning.}

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill stands in a field out beyond the lodge. He is holding a golf club in one hand. He sets down a golf ball on a tee in the ground with his other hand. Several other golf balls are next to his feet. He successfully whacks the ball with the club, sending it sailing through the air. Nice safe sport today on Adventures With Bill.
Red gets out of the Possum Van parked nearby. The ball hits him on the head. He clutches at his head in frustration. He looks down and grabs the ball. He then runs up to Bill, who gets frustrated and tries to call out "Fore!" as Red walks up, holding the ball. We're gonna do some golf. Oh! Yeah. Thank you, Bill, good morning. Don't yell "Fore!" now. You're way too late.
Bill holds up his golf club to Red, who takes it. Bill gestures and points off-screen. Red looks behind him. Bill shrugs. Red takes out a dollar bill and holds it in front of Bill's face. He puts the dollar bill on a bench next to them. Bill puts his foot on the bench and takes off his shoe. He takes out a dollar bill from his shoe and holds it in front of Red's face. Red recoils from the odor and looks away, coughing. Bill puts his dollar bill on the bench and puts his shoe back on. Take that ball and... What? Oh, you– Oh! A little conte– A driving contest! See if you can hit the ball the farthest. Well, let's– let's make it interesting, Bill. Let's put some money on this, huh? What do you say? Get your wallet out. I said your... That's your wallet? Oh my gosh! {coughs}
Red gets into a prone position as he holds his golf club. Bill takes a golf flag and waits behind him. Red swings the club and hits the ball, sending it sailing off-screen. Red and Bill watch. Bill gives Red the flag. Red walks off-screen with the flag. Bill steps up to the tee and puts a golf ball down there. All right, so I would– I'll go first. I feel pretty good about this. Just, uh, rear back, let 'er rip. Ah, I didn't get all of it. I didn't get all of it now. Not bad, though, I guess. All right, so I go out with the little flag and I stick the flag in where my ball is.
Red continues to walk along, up to where his ball landed, while Bill prepares to hit his own golf ball. Red finally reaches his ball and sets the flag in the ground next to it. Now, Bill has to hit his ball either farther or the same distance or not as far. That was the flag.
Red then returns to Bill, who makes exaggerated swaying motions with his hips as he prepares to hit his ball. Red sees Bill about to swing and, startled, quickly gets behind him. Bill swings his club and hits the ball. It goes sailing off-screen. Red and Bill watch the ball, which lands several feet behind Red's ball. Bill snaps his fingers in frustration. Red walks up to the money, but Bill suddenly stops him by holding up his golf club in his path at chest height. Bill gestures toward the club, which Red takes and looks at, confused. I'm guessing, not as far. Uh-oh, look out, Bill! Oh! What do you think? Not bad, not bad. Nice try, Bill. I'll just, uh, I'll just grab myself some– What? What? I won.
Bill then reaches behind his back and pulls out another golf club from inside his shirt. This club, however, is much, much longer. Red walks several feet away from Bill and ducks down on his hands and knees. Bill extends out his club, making it even longer, and starts to raise his much longer club into the air. He swings it around for a few seconds and finally hits another golf ball on the ground. It flies through the air and lands much closer to Red's ball and the flag. Red smiles. What? That was a practice swing? What the heck is this now? Oh, now, Bill's trying to get the pendulum, uh, theory working. A bigger one. Missed it, missed it. Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. Nice try, but not enough.
Red starts walking toward the money again. Bill suddenly walks up, holding a ladder and cutting off Red's path. Bill and Red both take the ladder and sets it up against the pole. Bill then runs off while Red opens up the ladder, which is an extension ladder. Suddenly, Bill returns, holding a very long golf club, which is swaying. Bill hands the club to Red, who takes it. Bill then climbs up the ladder. Even that longer pendulum didn't– What? No, Bill, you already had two shots. What's goin– Oh, he asked me to help him put this ladder up here. He's got something in mind. I don't think he has a chance, so what the heck? What you got now? Oh my gosh! I don't wanna see the golf bag that came out of.
Bill climbs up to the top of the ladder. He swings his leg over one side of the ladder and sits down. He straddles the two sections right in the middle. Bill rubs his hands together and reaches them out for the long club. Red gives it to him. Bill then proceeds to take aim at a golf ball on the ground with his long golf club. It starts swinging awkwardly as Red nervously jumps back, out of the club's way. And up he goes, up the ladder, and, uh... I'm ex– kind of interested to see how this turns out at this point. He swings his leg over, asks for the club, and... That's probably– That's probably an eighteen-footer now. And I guess that's the driver. You don't have something that long and make a three-wood.
Bill then brings up his long club into a pendulum position to hit the ball. He then swings it forward. But he misses the ball and instead hits the base of the ladder. It swings forward and the whole ladder splits out flat. Bill and the ladder both fall down on the ground. Can you swing that, Bill? That looks kinda hard to control. Watch your aim! Watch your aim, Bill! Tee it up, tee it up! Look– Oh, the ladder! The ladder! Look out, look out! Down you go!
As it falls, the other end of the ladder hits the pole, which is supporting a power wire. The ladder breaks off a piece of the pole near the bottom, suspending the pole in midair, hanging from the wire it is supporting, and swings about in a pendulum style. Bill, underneath the ladder, and Red watch as the pole swings forward and hits the golf ball, sending it sailing out far beyond the flag Red had set up. Bill gives a thumbs-up to the camera. Suddenly, the pole swings back the other way and hits Bill on the head, knocking him out. Oh! A high-volt pole! A high-volt pole! And the pendulum! Here comes the pendulum! What? Oh my gosh, he won!
Red walks over to the money, stepping over Bill under the ladder as he does so, and picks up the money. Bill gets up from under the ladder and gets to his feet, standing awkwardly and with his legs sticking out, bowlegged and in a V shape. His upper body is also leaning forward. Red hands the money out to Bill, who takes it, while clutching at his head in pain. He then walks off awkwardly. Red watches him leave. Oh my gosh! Be a good winner now, Bill. Here's your money. That should be able to buy the finest medical treatment money can buy. Bill seems shorter.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red and Dalton are standing in the yard of the latter's store. Dalton is talking to Red, who holds up something.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned as Dalton goes to the edge of bankruptcy. Short trip.

{Cut to Red and Winston sitting together on a couch as the latter talks.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And Winston tells us how to do public speaking.

Red's PoetryEdit

{Red sits on a small dock by the edge of the lake, in front of a huge fallen tree. He opens a book and reads from it.}

RED GREEN: "Putting In the Dock" by me:

We gather by the water's edge
And everyone grabs a side.
We lift the dock up on our backs
And brace our legs for the ride.
We dash down to the rocky shore
And throw the dock in, end over end.
That's an awful way to treat a doctor,
But with medication, the doc will mend.
Physician, heal thyself.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Red walks up to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, we went over to the club, and we picked up all the golf equipment and all the ski equipment that Moose had won. We brought her all back to the lodge, and we just don't know what to do with it next.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, you've already dragged it five miles. {points behind him with thumb} It's only another three to the dump. {giggles}

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Oh, no, Harold, our problem is, we got too many good ideas. {back to camera} Like, we were thinking, maybe take the chairlift and hook her up {gesturing for emphasis with hands} so it'll ride the guys from Possum Lodge all the way down into Possum Lake and back up again. You know, and on bath night, we'll do {holds up two fingers} two cycles: {holds up two thumbs, one after the other} wash and rinse.

HAROLD GREEN: {walking up close to Red} That's dumb! You guys are dumb! What stupid thing are you gonna do next with this stupid snow-making machine?

RED GREEN: {suddenly excited} Oh, this is great, Harold! {spreads arms wide} Six-foot-wide snow cones!

HAROLD GREEN: {giggling} Who's gonna eat a six-foot-wide snow cone? {sways head slightly}

RED GREEN: Somebody with a really big mouth, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly nervous} Well, what if this person doesn't want to eat a six-foot-wide snow cone?

RED GREEN: We'll drop it in his pants.

HAROLD GREEN: Ah! {plays switcher}

Segue: Glen BrachstonEdit

{Glen is seated on a dock by the lake. He is gesturing toward a sunken canoe leaning against the dock.}

GLEN BRACHSTON: This boat's for sale. It's only a hundred bucks, but you should be a strong swimmer.

Visit With Dalton HumphreyEdit

{The Possum Van is parked by Red the entrance to Humphrey's Everything Store. Red is standing next to Dalton Humphrey, behind a huge pile of junk.}

RED GREEN: We're out here by the main highway at Humphrey's Everything Store to do a little business transaction with the owner, Dalton Humphrey. Now, Dalton, we're cleaning out Moose's ski and golf club there; come up with this little unit right here. {holds up an old pulley wheel} What do you suppose something like that would be worth?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, you know, before Moose Thompson bought that resort, {points at pulley} that would've been worth a pretty penny.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh...

DALTON HUMPHREY: {somewhat worried} Now... it's next to useless. {pushes past Red to walk along}

RED GREEN: {following Dalton} Aw, c'mon now, Dalton! You gotta be pulling my leg here! {looks at wheel} I mean, this was used by the pioneers for, uh... well, for something, I would think.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {holding up two left fingers and tapping with right index fingers} Red, the antique business is built on two cornerstones: golfers and skiers. Without them, I'd be bankrupt in a week! {continues to walk on}

RED GREEN: {following} Why?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well... {sighs} the men, they golf together, and the women drop them off, and then they drive around, killing time, doing guess what?

RED GREEN: Looking for antiques?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {throwing up arms, agitated} Bingo!

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: And skiers, what's the number-one souvenir they take home?

RED GREEN: Broken legs?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Antiques! They, uh, buy them by the truckload. They feel like cold wind in their face, just makes them irrational. You know, with the ski and golf club closed, {shakes head} they won't be back! {looks around at store inventory} I'm stuck with this!

{Red and Dalton walk into the store building.}

RED GREEN: Well, now, don't go crazy here, Dalton. We'll get skiers up in the winter. We'll get cross-country skiers.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Cross-country skiers, ha! You know why they're cross-country skiin', Red? They're too cheap to buy lift tickets! Skin banning like vegetarians! Shuffling their way for free across the snow! {looking directly into the camera} Cross-country skiers are tightwads!

{Dalton walks off and takes out a teakettle. Red holds up a small cup.}

RED GREEN: Well, how about ice fishermen? They come up to Possum Lake. Hundreds of 'em, I'll tell ya. They spend money.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Oh. You've been inside a lot of ice huts, have you, Red?

RED GREEN: {nodding} Yeah.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah? Seen a lot of antiques there, have ya? {Red looks concerned} Hmm? Ice fishermen sitting around the hole, jiggling their lines, saying, "Oh boy, when I catch a trout, I'm gonna go down and buy myself a nice spindle bed with a brass headboard"? Huh? {agitated, pointing at camera} "Won't that be a nice accent piece for the wall where I store the beer cases?"

RED GREEN: All right, you're right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {waving dismissively} No. It's no use. I'm getting out of the antique business. You know, I'm gonna try and make a goldbrick in the junk and scrap business. {bends down to pour Red some tea from the kettle}

RED GREEN: Well, how're you gonna do that?

DALTON HUMPHREY: {looking up and gesturing} Well, I'm gonna change the sign on my store. {pours Red the tea}

RED GREEN: {shrugging} Yeah, that'll do it.

The ExpertsEdit

{Red, Harold and Winston all sit around a table. Harold sits in one chair, while Red and Winston share a love seat.}

HAROLD GREEN: This week on "Experts", we're being joined by {gestures toward Winston} Winston Rothschild!

{Harold, Red and the audience all applaud while Winston adjusts his helmet and his bow tie. Harold picks up a letter.}

HAROLD GREEN: {clears throat} First letter goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts, I have to give a speech at our next general meeting, and I'm very nervous about talking to a group of people. Can you help me?" {looks toward Red and Winston}

RED GREEN: Well, I always find that excessive alcohol consumption really loosens... {moves hand around in circle}

HAROLD GREEN: No, no. Uncle Red, I don't think being drunk's gonna help this lady's speech.

RED GREEN: No, I meant the audience, Harold, y'know. You get them so juiced up, they can't hear ya. It really takes the pressure off.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Low self-esteem, there's your problem, eh? Oh yeah, I've been there. Uh, you know, before the, uh, septic business, I wouldn't even hold my head up.

RED GREEN: And now you have to, I would think.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: But anyway, I learned the three jump-starts of self-power and bigger lungs, uh, in a book, "If You Can Do That, Any Idiot Can" by Anthony Anthony. {clears throat}

RED GREEN: Man, you didn't take one of those selfish help course things, did you?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Well, I wasn't going to at first, but I worked up the courage after watching "Seize the Self-Help Course of the Day" by Walter Mollusk.

HAROLD GREEN: Uh, Winston, what are the three jump-start, uh, points to a bigger lungs thing, you know, without the, you know, pumping sewage?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {holds up index finger} Well, number one: uh, dominate your audience, eh? I like to do it from a fifteen-foot, uh, stepladder and just sorta talk down to 'em.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking into camera} Well, ma'am, for this speech, you might want to wear slacks.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You know something? There's really nothing like seeing an audience like this, eh? {looks up and opens his mouth wide; Red nods and Winston holds up hand} Putty in your hair. Number two: have a little dynamic to your voice, eh? Like, for instance, {softly} whisper the nouns and {suddenly loudly, turning sharply in Red's direction} SHOUT the verbs!

RED GREEN: I don't think the audience would like that. It's harder to sleep through.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Most important one of all... {holds up three fingers} C: {pointing to camera deliberately} have something to say worth listening to, eh?

RED GREEN: Yeah, well, my advice to this person is, get up there and just tell the filthiest joke you know. {smiles and nods}

HAROLD GREEN: {nodding} That's exactly why you were never invited back to give a guest sermon at that church.

RED GREEN: Well, I had to do something to break the ice, Harold. They wouldn't let me bring any booze in.

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Red enters the lodge, covered in leaves and twigs and walking awkwardly. His clothes are stained.}

RED GREEN: Well, we finally figured out what to do with all the golfing and skiing equipment that Moose Thompson had won. And on paper, it looked perfect, but in reality, there were a few glitches.

HAROLD GREEN: {laughing; amused} Glitches?! Whoo! "Glitches" is a polite term for "nine guys hospitalized"! {giggles}

RED GREEN: {shaking head} Too bad. We had that chairlift hooked up with the golfing equipment. We had a golf driving range with a ball return. You stand at the top of the ski ramp, {pantomimes golfing motions} you drive your balls down {pointing} into nets that were hanging from the chairlift, bring the ball right back up to ya. {shakes head again}

HAROLD GREEN: Yup. {walks up close to Red} Woulda worked, too, if you didn't use that snow-making machine.

RED GREEN: Well, the guys get awful hot standing there in the sun, hittin' golf balls, Harold. {Harold sways his head and rolls his eyes} The problem was, the hill got all iced up, and guys started slippin' and slidin' all the way down the hill, right into the darn chairlifts. {shakes head}

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking head, amused} It was horrible! {giggles} Guys hanging by their feet, upside-down, being dragged across the driving range. {seriously} 'Course, they would've been all right if the rest of guys had stopped driving golf balls at 'em!

RED GREEN: {shakes head} It was just too tempting, y'know? {shakes head again} Eighteen guys hangin' upside-down from a cable. It looked like a giant charm bracelet.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Well, it wasn't funny when people started getting hurt.

RED GREEN: That wasn't from the golf balls, Harold. That's when the cable snapped. {brings hands together, then sharply brings them apart} TWANG! Everybody went everywhere. Now they're all suing Moose for a million dollars each.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, now, wait a minute, Uncle Red! To be fair, when the cable snapped, Moose did yell, "Fore!"

RED GREEN: He was ordering beer for himself.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, it's meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: {pointing toward basement door} Yeah, you go ahead, Harold, I'll be right down. {Harold turns toward basement and heads that direction} Soon as I defoliate. {Harold removes his switcher and leaves room, going down into basement} If my wife is watching, I've decided to give up golf until they get safer chairlifts. And to the rest of ya, thanks for watching. Until next time, on behalf of myself and {gestures in Harold's direction} Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, {waving and smiling} keep your stick on the ice.

{Red continues to wave. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting in the basement. Winston walks past the stairs into the basement. Red comes down the stairs moments later. They walk past some paper airplanes thrown by some of the men in the crowd. They walk up to the front of the meeting, alongside Harold.}

HAROLD GREEN: All rise! All rise now! Stand up, everybody! Stop it!

{Everyone stands up straight and looks forward. They cross their arms on their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritadi.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone sits down, except for Harold, who remains standing.}

HAROLD GREEN: I got something to show ya! I got something to show everybody! It's a new segment for the show! Look! {marches about behind Red as if riding a horse} Harold the Frontier Hero! I'd be a hero and... A comic books hero. I just brought my reindeer in and I'd go, "You there! Don't even do what you're doing!"

{Cut to the show information, showing the mailing address and the phone number.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} If you'd like to become a member of Possum Lodge and you got three bucks to blow, you can either mail it to the address here on the screen or dial 1-800-YPOSSUM.

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