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The complete transcript for The Splinter Lodge

IntroEdit

{A title appears reading, "The New Red Green Show is duct taped in front of a live studio audience". Duct tape sounds are heard in the background.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {laughs} And now here's the man who laughs at life, but the feeling's mutual, your hero, your host, my uncle, {pointing to Lodge front door} Red Green!

{Red enters the Lodge and waves to everyone. The audience applauds. Harold makes wave motions with his hands and grooves a bit.}

RED GREEN: All right, big, big week up at the Lodge this week. We're gonna have our second annual swamp skiing competition. Yeah, the way that works is, we got a guy waterskiing, we go down to the boggy end of the lake there, and we crank the boat around and the guy fires into the swamp area there. And we just see if he comes out the other side.

HAROLD GREEN: I don't know, Uncle Red. I don't think there's gonna be any swamp skiing this year.

RED GREEN: Oh, really?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yes, yes. 'Cause you never go, do you? Oh, no, not you, you just sit in the back of the boat and laugh at everybody.

RED GREEN: {humored} C'mon, Harold, I just got a good sense of humor, that's all.

HAROLD GREEN: No, no, no, no, no. The guys say they're not going unless you go. 'Cause last year, everybody got all dragged through this smelly bog, y'know, and they got all whipped in the face by these sticks and bushes and twigs and stuff, {Red grins} and they got snapped out the other end. They had a face full of mud and a mouth full of algae. Took two weeks for the fat guys to pry the bulrushes out of their belly button.

RED GREEN: {laughing} I don't– I don't care what the whiners say, Harold. The swamp-skiing competition is a go, we've decided.

HAROLD GREEN: What do you mean, "we decided"? You decided!

RED GREEN: Well, the Lodge, we, me, it's all the same.

HAROLD GREEN: No, see, that's just it. No, it's not all the same. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, you gotta be careful not to force people into things that you want to do. Sometimes, you gotta give in to a higher authority.

RED GREEN: Not at the Lodge, Harold. I only do that at home. {turns to leave}

Title sequenceEdit

{"The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a scene inside the Lodge. Red, Harold and Hap are sitting around a table.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Today's episode is all about escaping. We got Hap here, who escapes into his imagination.

{Cut to a shot of Red and Bill, who sits on a tree branch, next to a deck of boards nailed to the branch. Red tosses up a hammer to Bill. It hits Bill on the head, knocking him out. He falls down, head-first, on the branch and then falls out of the tree, landing on Red.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} We got Bill, who escapes into a tree. Sometimes.

{Cut to a shot of Red inside a freezer. He walks out of it and around to the side, where a water cooler and several tubes are mounted.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm escaping into a little freezer den. More about that later on.

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red enters the Lodge, holding a pair of waterskis and a clipboard with a piece of paper on it.}

RED GREEN: Well, the swamp skiing preparation has officially started. Just gotta get the Lodge members to sign up, and then we'll set up a date once we know when there's gonna be a doctor vacationing in the area.

{The door opens and Harold enters in a hurry.}

RED GREEN: C'mon, Harold, we got a show to do here!

HAROLD GREEN: {running over to his switcher} Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Uncle Red, sorry. I was just outside talking to Junior Singleton. {puts on switcher}

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, he's still pretty upset with you, y'know, 'cause of the way you have to run things around here. He's very upset about that. He wants to get together and talk.

RED GREEN: Well, bring him in right now. We'll talk here.

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Oh, no! No, uh, I'm sorry, I didn't clarify that. Um, when he wants to get together and talk, uh, y'know, speak, {Red stares} y'know, the way they talk like that, is when he said we get together, he meant "we", not "we", like "me" and "he", not "you".

RED GREEN: Oh. So... so you're gonna be meeting with Junior?

HAROLD GREEN: Yes. Just Junior and me, just Junior and me.

RED GREEN: Alright.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, five other of the Lodge members, maybe ten.

RED GREEN: What's this about, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} Well, you always gotta say what goes on around here! You know, a lot of people got some ideas! They're some pretty darn good ones sometimes, but you always gotta say no, right?

RED GREEN: No...

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing at Red accusingly} See?! See?! See?! Just like that! What about that time we wanted to get lodge jackets, and you said no! What about that time all the guys wanted to go to Port Asbestos and see the new asphalt spreader? You said no! {Red cringes, embarrassed} What about that time we wanted to get snacks with better expiring dates? You said no! Well, Junior got thinkin', he's tired of hearing no, and maybe he has an idea that Junior had... It's really– This is more Junior speaking than me; it's just... I'm channeling at this point. And he's thinking of starting a rival lodge. And a lot of the Possum Lodge members are gonna go with him.

RED GREEN: {pauses} Well, good for Junior.

HAROLD GREEN: {surprised} Really?

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAROLD GREEN: Well! {giggles} Can we have our first meeting here?

RED GREEN: No.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay.

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar while Harold accompanies him by banging on a metal bucket.}

RED GREEN:

Oh, you got your book, you hear the knock,
But you don't care, the door is locked.
Let them pound and yell and scream and shout.
You got what they want, you got what they need,
But you got there first with something to read,
And they'll just have to learn to do without.
The john is the only place where a man
Can put up his feet and turn on the fan
And read a book and know what it's actually about.
Oh, but don't let it go to the bitter end,
'Cause every five minutes, you lose another friend,
And they'll be all be waiting to kill you when you finally come out.

The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

HAROLD GREEN: It's the Possum Lodge Word Game, {pull back to reveal Red and Mike sitting at the card table} and this week, Mr. Mike Hamar is playing for the grand prize of having his charges commuted to thirty days of community service! {Mike gesticulates excitedly}

RED GREEN: Oh, my God! Yeah!

HAROLD GREEN: Good luck, Mike!

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

HAROLD GREEN: All righty. Mike, you have thirty seconds to guess this word...

{Mike covers his eyes, as well as his ears. But as Harold picks up a sign displaying the word, which is "Investment", he sees Mike lift up one finger off his ears.}

HAROLD GREEN: And the– You're peeking! Don't be peeking! {Mike leans away, still lifting one finger off his ear}

RED GREEN: All right.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. Okay, alright. The word is... {sees Mike} He's looking! Haw! Okay, okay. {sarcastically} You know what? The word is "Cheater". "Cheater". {sets sign down on table and steps back; Mike removes his hands from his head} Go! Thirty seconds, go!

RED GREEN: Alright, Mike, this is something–

MIKE HAMAR: {smiling} Cheater?

{Mike looks at Harold, who covers his mouth in mock shock.}

RED GREEN: {shaking his head and waving dismissively} All right. Okay, Mike, you put a lot of time and work into this, but it pays off money in the long run.

MIKE HAMAR: A bank robbery?

RED GREEN: No, no, no, Mike, you already have money.

MIKE HAMAR: No, I don't.

RED GREEN: Well, just imagine that you do.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, okay.

RED GREEN: Okay. So you need to make a...

MIKE HAMAR: ...quick getaway.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, no. Mike, this isn't money from a robbery, you earned it.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh, like a reward when you squeal on a guy.

RED GREEN: Yeah. Alright, alright. So you wanna make sure you have that money when you get older, so you need to find a good...

MIKE HAMAR: ...handgun.

RED GREEN: {suddenly holding up one hand, speaking sternly} Mike, you're on parole, okay? You can't use a handgun.

MIKE HAMAR: No, no, I wouldn't use it, Mr. Green, it's sort of an investment.

RED GREEN: Oh, boy!

{Red rapidly rings the bell on the table to end the game while Harold applauds. Mike looks around, confused, then cheers.}

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red peeks through a gap in a tractor outside the Lodge. It is slightly snowy out, and Red is wearing a coat and gloves.}

RED GREEN: You know, every man needs a place where he can go to in his own home. {gets up} Kind of a refuge where he can be alone to do what he enjoys the most and what he does the best: nothing. {walks away from tractor} No talking, no sharing, no moving, no thinking. {walks toward a nearby barn} Now, some guys, they have a den or maybe a basement workshop. Some guys have a garage or even a barn they can go to. {walks up to "Handyman Corner" sign} But this week, on Handyman Corner, I got a project for the man who has absolutely no space at all. {walks into barn} You ever notice how lazy people live in small houses? {picks up a tape measure} That's because you don't need much space when you're not doing anything. You don't need a whole room to go to. {walks over to a freezer lying on its back} All you need is an old freezer, huh? {opens lid for a few seconds} Wouldn't that be a great spot to go to cool off? {closes lid} You get enough accessories in there, and you could turn this unit into the den of your dreams. You know, {pulls out tape on measure} carpenters have a very important saying: "Measured twice, cut once". {puts back tape} That's a good theory, isn't it? {laughs} You never actually done it, have you? Well, this is no time to start, {taps freezer} because this is an airtight freezer here. If all of your cuts are accurate and your measurement is correct, it could kill you, so throw that stuff away.

{Red tosses the tape measure aside and walks around to the other side of the freezer. He squats down beside it.}

RED GREEN: Alright, what you want to do is, you want to cut a hole, {holds up his hands in square shapes} yea by yea, {holds hands up vertically, then sideways} maybe a little more yea this way than that.

{Red taps the freezer and gets up. Wipe to a later scene. Red stands up, holding a drill.}

RED GREEN: Alright, the first thing you want to do is, drill a hole in the side of the freezer, so you can cut out where the TV's gonna go.

{Red squats down by the freezer and starts to drill a hole in it. Suddenly, sparks fly from the freezer and it explodes in a plume of smoke. Red quickly stops drilling and gets back up.}

RED GREEN: No. No, no, that's the second thing. First thing you want to do is unplug the freezer.

{Red walks around to the other side of the freezer. Wipe to a later scene. Red is lying on top of the freezer, which has now been moved over on its other side. A square hole has been cut out in the side. Red is trying to position a TV over the hole. Next to them is a roll of duct tape.}

RED GREEN: There we go, that's a perfect fit. Remember, {places his finger near gap in hole above TV} no gap, no air. {picks up duct tape and puts some of it over TV} You want to hold it securely in place there, using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. If you drop your TV into your freezer, it's not covered by either warranty.

{Red pulls some more duct tape over the TV. Wipe to a later scene. Red is now standing on the ground, next to the freezer, which has now been placed upright. Red is finishing up duct-taping the TV to the side of the freezer. The TV is now covered in duct tape.}

RED GREEN: All right, once you got your TV mounted on there, {taps TV and places duct tape on freezer top} you gotta start thinking about beverages and snacks. {picks up a water cooler} So get yourself one of these units here, {picks up a huge duct} something to go on this line. {leans duct against freezer} What you want to do is mount that to the side of your freezer {places cooler against freezer} so it'll feed down into the den area.

{Red picks up the duct tape again. Wipe to a later scene. The cooler and the duct have been duct-taped to the side of the freezer, as has some long plastic tubing.}

RED GREEN: Alright, once those are mounted on there, you put your favorite beverage in the cooler and it goes down the tube, you put your favorite snacks into the duct and it goes down the chute.

{Red looks into the freezer, where a dustpan is mounted to the side.}

RED GREEN: Now, we got this old dustpan here to control the snacks, {holds up tube} and we got the clothes peg on there to get the drinks coming and going.

{Red walks over to several rolled-up foam and carpets in the corner of the barn.}

RED GREEN: Now, for that extra touch of luxury, I'm gonna line my den with the foam here and then cover all that with the shag carpeting. {carries both over to freezer in each hand} So it'll kinda be like a van, but no women. So it'll be like my van.

{Wipe to a later scene. The freezer-turned-den has the foam and the carpeting covering its inside. Red is seated inside the freezer, holding a hammer. He has put the foam and carpeting on the den with duct tape. He rubs a final strip of tape into place.}

RED GREEN: Alright, that's got her. Now I just gotta make an adjustment to the door switch here. {hits switch with hammer, causing it to fall off} That way, when I retire to my den, I'll close the door and the light'll stay on. {climbs out of den} Alright, here's another little rig that I've added to her. {walks around behind freezer, which has two makeshift legs duct-taped to the back} I've put these legs on the back here, and this allows the whole unit to recline. I'll show you how that works in a minute. {suddenly checks his watch} Oh my gosh, wrestling's on! {goes back into freezer den} Okay. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. {closes door} Now, recline!

{The freezer tips over into a reclining position and then continues to tip and suddenly topples over on its side with a crash, with the side with the TV and snack and beverage dispenser buried.}

RED GREEN: Wow, it's like I'm right in the wrestling ring!

Red's Sage AdviceEdit

RED GREEN: Wanna talk to you older guys about something you haven't done in a while: change. Eh? People say you're out of it, because, for the last twenty years, you've been dressing the same way, talking the same way, and thinking the same way. I say good for you! You stick with it! Somebody's gotta stand up for tradition. And hold firm, 'cause too much is changing! The phone rings weird now. Running shoes look like spaceships. Even the continents are shifting, but not you! You stick to your guns! You keep wearing those short-sleeve polyester dress shirts. You keep spouting your opinions to anyone who'll listen. Somebody's gotta preserve what's normal and sensible in this world. And who knows? Polyester might come back. Maybe your opinions'll catch on. People will think you're a genius. But so far, no change. Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the Lodge holding the clipboard with the piece of paper on it from earlier. He looks confused.}

RED GREEN: Well, the swamp skiing's off to a slow start. I got the boat gassed up and I got the tow rope on there, ready to yank somebody into the quagmire down at the far end of the lake. But so far, I got no customers. I can't figure it out.

HAROLD GREEN: You know, Uncle Red, I think I know why you're not gonna have anybody for the swamp skiing.

RED GREEN: The guys' wives all find out about it?

HAROLD GREEN: No. No, no. It's Junior Singleton. All the guys are listening to him now. Haw! There's loyalty for you, huh? Haw!

RED GREEN: Has Junior Singleton started another lodge, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, very much so, yeah, yeah! It's really cool. And he says if we join– If we join, we can get lodge jackets! {laughs} Y'know, like– like maybe the ones the baseball players wear, or those silk ones the rock 'n' roll stars wear! Haw! I mean, great! And we're gonna get membership cards!

RED GREEN: Oh, we have membership cards now.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, but cheapy, plastic ones. These are gonna be like nickel alloy with my picture in the hologram.

RED GREEN: Harold, your head is already a hologram.

HAROLD GREEN: See? See, Junior wouldn't insult me like that. He says that's the Possum way. That's so Possum. Salamanders are gonna do things differently. {suddenly cringes as if aware of what he just said}

RED GREEN: {amused} Salamanders? Salamanders, that's the lodge, called "Salamanders"?

HAROLD GREEN: {pauses} Yeah, well, salamanders are cool, too. But y'know, I'm just gonna go to that first meeting and check it out, that's all. I'm just gonna, y'know, check it out.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? What is Junior offering you to join, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: A digital editing suite, and it is SO BEAUTIFUL! I'LL HAVE EVERYTHING!

RED GREEN: Harold, he's only trying to buy your support.

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I know. Do you wanna make a counteroffer? I'm a free agent.

RED GREEN: Harold, you're a Free Willy. {turns and leaves}

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill and Red walk along a snow-covered woodsy area, dressed appropriately for the snow, in heavy jackets. Bill is carrying several long pieces of wood. They walk up to a big tree with a stout trunk. Bill suddenly stops walking, but Red continues to walk. He walks right into Bill's wood, which jams him painfully in the stomach. Red bends over in pain. Bill then drops the wood on the ground, right on Red's foot, and waves to the camera. Red stumbles around in pain. Well, this week, we're going back to when we were just kids again. It's kind of, uh, kind of a laugh. I got to go through puberty again. Oh! By golly. Good start, good start.
Bill points up to a branch in the tree while Red continues to keel over. Bill walks over to the tree and tries to climb it, but to no avail. Yeah, Bill wants to– wants to build a tree fort up in the tree. We got the tree and we got the wood for it. Oh, yeah.
Later, Bill gives a thumbs-up to the camera. Red bends over next to the tree. Bill tries to hop up on Red's back to climb up the tree. He finally gets on Red's back, but he struggles with his feet to get up there. Bill then hops up onto the branch from Red's back. Once Bill is off his back, Red slowly bends back up straight. Then suddenly, Bill falls out of the tree, landing on Red. They both get knocked down on the ground. I don't think you're gonna be able– Bill, I don't... Well, he's got an idea. He's got an idea. He's gonna climb up on... I'm a man. I saw something like this in one of those movies once. You know, no, it's– No, I'm sorry. Yeah, so he stands up there. He's a heavy little fellow. There he goes! Alright, he's up. Well, he's up. I can relax.
Bill and Red lie in a heap on the ground. They get back up. Bill gets fully upright on his feet and gives a thumbs-up to the camera, but Red is keeled over in pain. Bill looks toward Red and then points to his own head, getting an idea. All this time, Red struggles to stand up straight, which he finally does. Bill, meanwhile, picks up one of the pieces of wood. He spins around, swinging the wood around. Red jumps out of the wood's path as Bill walks to the tree with the wood. He places the wood against the trunk. He raises the wood up every few feet. Yeah, I look relaxed. Alright, Bill and I, we finally got the tree. We don't have a ladder or anything. What're you gonna do? What're you gonna do, Bill? Another idea? Oh, yeah. He's gonna take the 2x4, put it up against the tree, and then, what're you... Oh, he's gonna– Okay, alright, alright, he's gonna make steps.
Later, Bill has cut the wood into smaller pieces and stuck them into the tree, with each piece having a single nail driven through the middle. Bill is hammering the last piece of wood into the tree. The tree now has the wood on the trunk going up it as steps. Once he's done hammering, he gives a thumbs-up toward the camera and tosses the hammer aside – right on Red's foot, which it hits with a clang. Red jumps back in pain. He's gonna cut it up and make steps. There we go, there we go. See, here's the steps. Oh! Oh, by golly.
Bill climbs up on the steps on the tree to the branch above, stepping up from one step to the next. The steps unsteadily weigh down under Bill's feet, swaying left or right. Because of this, Bill is struggling to stay on the steps. Finally, Bill tries hopping up from one step to the next with both feet. This time, he has more success. All right, Bill, now... Now, this is something you youngsters should pay attention. This is what happens when you have budget cuts. That's just dumb. Okay, okay, the hippity-hoppity way.
Still later, Bill is sitting in the tree branch while Red is still standing at the base of the tree. Red bends down and picks up the hammer. He tosses it up to Bill, but it hits him on the head, knocking him out. The hammer falls back down, while Bill slumps over on the branch. Red turns to the camera with a shrug, then Bill falls out of the tree and lands on Red, knocking them both down. There he is, there he is, there he is, up a tree. Oh, by gosh, that's gonna look good. Look out! Oh! There's a hammer, Bill! Yeah, sorry. {laughs} Oh!
Still later, Bill is back up in the tree. This time, he holds the hammer in his hand. There are several pieces of wood leaning against the tree. Red tosses one piece up to Bill, who catches it. He places it on the branch. He proudly holds up several nails, which he then puts in his mouth to hold them. He pulls one nail out of his mouth and places it on the wood. He then proceeds to hammer the nail into the wood. He hammers it twice, but then his hand instead. He yells in pain, but in doing so, he spits out all the nails, which all land on Red's hat. A pained Red struggles to pull his hat, full of nails, off his head, but he can't. Well, later that day, we're handing the wood up to Bill, and he's gonna... These have all been pre-cut to the width of the tree fort that he wants, and he's got a bunch of... Puttin' the spikes, uh, put the spikes in his mouth, stop him from talking a little bit there, and just... start drivin'. Really drive that– drive that– Oh! Oh! Oh, ow-ow! Oh! Oh!
Later, Bill's fort is more complete than not. He has hammered several more wood into the branch. There's a bunch of rope under the fort to act as a kind of rope ladder. Bill chews on the nails in his mouth. Well, I don't have to worry about the wind. Alright, so he's kinda chewing and being kinda preoccupied. He's chewing– Bill, you're chewing on the nails!
Still later, Bill has finished hammering all the wood into the branch to build the fort and his mouth is now empty and without any nails. He reaches into his mouth to get another nail, but to his shock, he finds none. He suddenly starts gagging. Suddenly, Bill belches and somehow spits out a nail. It hits somewhere with a clang. Then he belches again and spits out another nail which again hits someplace. He feels another belch coming and puts his hand to his mouth. When he belches this time, he catches the nail in his hand. He throws it down in disgust. Bill, you're chewing on– Bill, you've eaten the nails! You've eaten them. They're gone, you ate 'em. Yeah, yeah. Oh, boy. Gettin' enough iron in your diet, are we, Bill? Boy! Oh! Look out! Oh, my gosh! Coughed up a nail, huh? That was a party!
Bill suddenly feels another belch coming on and leans over the tree fort, where he starts belching some more and spitting out more nails. Each nail he spits out lands perfectly in different areas of the wood, completely hammered inside. Whoa! Oh! Well, by golly!
Later, Bill is hammering some more. He then stops hammering and turns to the camera with a satisfied expression. He then tosses the hammer aside, off the branch and onto Red's head, which it hits with a clang. I like this, eh? A bowl of chili and a can of nails, you can build a cottage. Ow!
Bill gets down on his stomach and crawls out onto the newly-finished wood floor of his tree fort and sits up on it. He gives a thumbs-up. But suddenly, the fort tips over under his weight. The fort swings down and is suspended upside-down from the tree branch. Somehow, Bill manages to stay on the fort platform, also hanging upside-down. Red looks shocked. Alright, he's got the thing done. And there, he's got his platform. And he's all set. Look at that, huh? That's– There's the pride of ownership right there, huh? Yeah. Bill! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! By golly, she's an ambispringstrous kind of a tree fort.
Suddenly, the tree branch snaps under the weight and swings the tree fort platform and Bill into the trunk with a slam. Oh, the branch is letting go! Oh! Boy, that's gonna leave a mark.
Red walks up to the fallen branch and platform, with Bill buried behind it. Red pulls out the platform to free Bill, who slumps over in a heap, with his head buried in his jacket. He gets to his feet. Red pulls down Bill's jacket for him, revealing his head. He gives a thumbs-up toward the camera, and then, he belches once more, and once more, he spits out a nail, this one right at the camera, shattering the lens, and thus shattering the screen, too, like a window. Well, let's see if the sap is running. No, it's kinda– more of– kind of an ooze, kind of an ooze kind of a look there. Where's your neck? Oh, there it is. All right. You're gonna pay for that.

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Harold stands in the Lodge, looking at a turquoise-colored card in his hand. Red then enters with a look of frustration on his face and holding the clipboard with the paper on it.}

RED GREEN: Man! This new Salamander Lodge is really throwing a monkey wrench into everything I'm trying to do! {looks at clipboard, then at Harold} Harold, guess how many guys have signed up for the swamp-skiing competition?

HAROLD GREEN: Sure thing, Uncle Red!

{Pause}

RED GREEN: {looking puzzled} Yeah. Uh, so I'm– I'm gonna add a special event to it: Harold is gonna do a cannonball off the top of Rock Reef Point, singing the national anthem, butt-naked, with his hair on fire. {to Harold} That okay with you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, whatever... Hey, wait a minute! I don't know the national anthem.

{Red walks over closer to Harold and looks at his card.}

RED GREEN: Salamander meeting tonight, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {softly} Maybe...

RED GREEN: Uh-huh. Have you learned the secret Salamander handshake yet?

HAROLD GREEN: {trying to hide the card in his hands} Working on it.

RED GREEN: Memorizing the motto, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, you know, but you know how long it took me to memorize "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati".

RED GREEN: Yeah... What is the Salamander motto, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: I will never tell. I've been sworn to secrecy.

RED GREEN: No? Hey. {points to Harold's left shoulder} Is that a spider, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: {suddenly freaking out and accidentally throwing the card in the air} NO, IT ISN'T! GET IT OFF! {Red catches the card and laughs} Aw, you!

RED GREEN: {looking at card} Quando Omni Flunkus Terra Retreatum? {looks at Harold}

HAROLD GREEN: Mm-hmmm. When all else fails, climb under a rock.

RED GREEN: {gives card back to Harold; turns to leave} All right. You wait here, I'll go get a rock.

Red's Advice To TeenagersEdit

{Red walks around between two small wooden buildings outside the Lodge, wearing a yellow rain slicker.}

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you teenagers, because I know your parents are after you again to clean up your room. Huh? They're {makes "finger quotes"} "in your face", eh, as you would say. 'Cause that pile of laundry and junk food wrappers and comic books in the center of your room just developed a heartbeat. Or maybe a pair of your gym socks got together and had pups. {walks past a tree} Your dad, of course, is warning ya that that room proves you're headed for a life of total failure. And you're thinking, he would know. Hey, kids, instead of arguing with your parents, out-think them. It's a lot easier. Oh, yeah, tell them that the hottest field of science today is your chaos theory, and you're on your way to a Ph.D. Those aren't dust bunnies under the bed. Those are your prototypes of fuzzy logic and scuzzy drives. And that smell coming out of the closet? Why, that's your alternative fuel project, huh? It might save the ozone layer. Maybe not the earth's ozone layer, but at least the part over your laundry hamper. And the new antibiotics, they don't come from mold. So you're not a pig, you're a creative genius. I should know, I'm a regular Einstein myself. {walks off}

The ExpertsEdit

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show, where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say: {gestures toward audience}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW!

{Harold is revealed to be seated at a table with Red and Hap Shaughnessy.}

HAROLD GREEN: {giving a thumbs-up} Ah-ha! Okay, excellent! Joining my Uncle Red on the Expert portion of the show today is his best friend in the whole wide room, water taxi captain Hap Shaughnessy!

{The audience cheers. Red and Hap wave back modestly. Harold takes a letter and looks at it.}

HAROLD GREEN: {loudly} Okay! We have a viewer in Georgia who asks... {reads letter} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Hap} Haw! Um... "–I am a bit self-conscious about my height. I'm not short, just vertically challenged. Recently, I've read that astronauts grow in space by as much as an inch. Is that true? And if so, how can I get into space?"

RED GREEN: Oh, no, no, I don't– I don't think people grow in space. I met that William Shatner, and he's hardly tall at all! {Harold nods} Yeah.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well... actually, Red, most people do grow in zero gravity. {pauses} I don't, but most people do.

RED GREEN: You were in space, were you, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, no, space starts at about ninety miles up. I only flew 88 miles up.

RED GREEN: And, uh, what were you flying in?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: A cape.

RED GREEN: {nods with uncertainty} A cape? Like Superman, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: No, not like Superman. Mine was white.

RED GREEN: You know, uh, this is– this is a bit of a stretch even for you, I'm thinking.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, I was with the local circus. Hap the Human Cannonball. We were performing in Port Asbestos, and just as I waved good-bye, I slid down the tube, a bolt of lightning hit the cannon, and BOOM! The blast was so strong and the wind was so powerful, all my clothes were torn off! I was– I was totally naked! Luckily, I was 88 miles up, so no one could see. Did you know– Did you know Australia is in the shape of a dog's head?

RED GREEN: {nods with uncertainty} You know, there's not too much air up there, I wouldn't think, you know. Y'know, I know– I know the airplanes fly at four or five miles up only, and they have to actually pressurize the cabins so that people can breathe.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Oh, yeah, yeah! Air's very, very thin up there. Luckily, I was traveling so fast, I just opened my mouth and scooped enough oxygen in to keep my, uh– to keep my consciousness. My real worry was the landing. I mean, I'm 88 miles up, eh? Goin' a mile– Goin' a mile a second, speeding headfirst towards Earth!

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! I guess the impact would, y'know, pretty much lose whatever height you'd gained.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {scratching his hand} Yeah. Well, I got lucky, Harold. I blacked out, so I didn't tense up for the landing. But when I came to, I was just outside of town on top of a haystack, butt-naked.

HAROLD GREEN: {amused} Wow, excellent! {laughs; to Red} Naked!

RED GREEN: You buy that story, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Not really, no.

RED GREEN: You know what? Neither did his ex-wife.

{Red and Harold laugh.}

Plot Segment 5Edit

{Red stands in the Lodge, holding the clipboard.}

RED GREEN: Well, all the, uh, Possum Lodge members are {jerks his thumb behind him} over at the Salamander Lodge meeting tonight. Which is fine. I certainly have nothing against those traitorous, two-timing backstabbers. {chuckles} No. So, uh, no sense hanging around, I guess. So, uh, Bernice, if you're watching the show, {door opens behind him and Harold comes in through it} you're about the only one around.

{Harold runs up beside Red and puts on his switcher.}

RED GREEN: Oh? Oh, by golly. {chuckles} Salamander meeting over so soon there, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, yeah, y'know. Well, yeah, yeah. Y'know, I wasn't gonna join anyway. I'd just as soon forget the whole thing. Forget, forget, forget, forget, forget. Oh, yeah, yeah, I just went in to check it out, see what it was all about, y'know? I just– I was gonna join and show my disdain. I was doing the disdain thing. Yeah!

RED GREEN: But you know, I had the distinct impression that you were gonna be a Salamander, Harold. You already got the beak and the cold, wet skin, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: {nods} Yeah, okay, okay, maybe I was gonna join. Yeah, maybe I was, maybe. But then, Junior started going on about how much it was gonna cost to join this silly lodge. You know, and then he starts telling us how much it was gonna cost to– to buy those jackets and all these fancy-pants membership cards! {Red nods} Then he starts handing out duties about who's gonna be doing the cleaning. And he's got ethic codes! And dress codes! {giggles} Well, we were pretty much out the door by that time, pally-rally!

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: 'Kay, it's meeting time.

RED GREEN: {surprised} We're having a meeting?

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah, everybody's back!

RED GREEN: {ecstatic} Oh, that's– Oh, great! Okay, you go ahead, Harold. {hands clipboard out to Harold, who takes it} Hey, here, see if you can get the guys to sign up for the swamps. I've already put my name right at the top of the list there.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at clipboard} Oh, Uncle Red, see, I'm so proud of you! That is very good!

RED GREEN: Yeah...

HAROLD GREEN: You've really learned something from this experience.

RED GREEN: Well, don't get carried away; I wrote it in pencil.

{Harold sways his head in frustration and turns to leave to go down into the basement, putting down his switcher as he goes.}

RED GREEN: {chuckles} Away you go then, huh? {turns to camera} Uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and we got no money and no agenda, so it should be a quick one. But you know, with me, sometimes the quick ones are the best ones. {nods; to audience} The rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice.

{Red waves and heads for the basement. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red comes down the stairs.}

HAROLD GREEN: {at head of meeting} Okay, here he comes! Everybody, take your seats! Take your seats.

{The crowd sits down as Red joins Harold at the front of the meeting.}

HAROLD GREEN: Everybody nice and comfy? Okay, all rise.

{The crowd groans audibly as they stand up and put their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down.

{Everyone sits, but Harold remains standing. He reads from a clipboard in his hand.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, our first announcement: um, the next secret society meeting is a go. Uh, codenamed "Aqua". Uh, there will be an open discussion of Operation: Rash Remover. Special guest speaker, Deep Water. The meeting will be held at location A-7.

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