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The complete transcript for X Marks The Spot

Opening WordsEdit

{Text appears on screen: "Women better themselves. Men better their friends." A crowd is heard cheering as the sound of punching is heard, followed by the sound of somebody falling over, after which a bell rings repeatedly.}

IntroEdit

HAROLD GREEN: It's The New Red Green Show! {"X Marks the Spot" appears} And now, here's the man who entitles (?) inside every time he phones his wife, your host, my hero, {pointing to front door} Uncle REEEDDD Green! Ha-ha!

{The front door of the lodge opens and Red enters, waving to the audience, who cheers. Red holds various objects in both hands.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much! Thank you very much. Well, it's spring trading day up at the lodge.

HAROLD GREEN: {frustrated} Oh! Uncle Red, why can't you guys do spring cleaning like everybody else? Just throw out junk.

RED GREEN: No, Harold, with spring trading, see, the thing is, you can get rid of all that stuff you've hoarded over the winter by trading it for something else, you know? The trick is, to make the best trades.

HAROLD GREEN: {stepping up close to Red} Aw, gee, okay! There we go! How come everything has to be a competition with you guys? There always has to be a winner and a loser, you know? You can't just cheer for your hockey team! Oh, no! You gotta pick out individuals, make a pool, go for that! Everybody cheers for everybody that way! Huh? {laughs} Then you go out and spend all that money on a sports lottery ticket. Nobody– Then you don't even care who wins the game that way. It's just stupid.

RED GREEN: You lost again, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: Twenty straight weeks in a row! {Red nods, then turns to leave}

Title sequenceEdit

{The "The New Red Green Show" intro plays. Cut to a shot of Red and Hap fishing on the latter's houseboat.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} In today's show, Hap tries to convince that he used to wrestle elephants.

{Cut to Red tossing various rolls of duct tape aside on a workbench.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} I'm gonna scour my workbench for a special kind of tape for duct work.

{Cut to Red and Dalton sitting together on a couch. Dalton is saying something.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Dalton's gonna talk about the facts of life.

{Cut to Red bringing something into the lodge. It is very big and very long and covered in brown paper, while Harold, who was looking at a newspaper, looks up and is surprised by what Red is holding.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} And I'm gonna fish something off the bottom of Possum Lake that's not a stove or a snowmobile.

Plot Segment 2Edit

RED GREEN: {as he and Harold sit over a couple of objects} Well, this has to be my worst spring trading ever. You know, I got there late. The only guy with stuff left to trade was Old Man Sedgewick. Look at this crap! Half a railing, {holds up a small orange object} bent hose clamp, {holds up something in his hand} a bunch of vanilla beans, I hope.

HAROLD GREEN: {holding a framed picture} Hey, look at this, Uncle Red! A picture of a possum! Haw! Hey! You know what? This could be, like, the Possum Lodge possum. {Red shakes his head} Yeah, yeah, yeah! No, it could be– yeah! This possum picture is like a piece of history! To a collector, it's worth, like, seventy, eighty cents!

RED GREEN: Harold, that's an aerial photo of Possum Lake, that's all that is.

HAROLD GREEN: Haw! No, that's the Possum Lodge possum. That X is his eye!

RED GREEN: Wouldn't the X be in the head, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, yeah, well, then what's this X?

RED GREEN: Well, I guess that's Old Man Sedgewick's signature.

HAROLD GREEN: {getting to his feet, still holding the picture} Haw, no. Treasure! It's treasure! Oh! Oh, yes! It could be valuable treasure! And that X marks the spot! Valuable treasure at the bottom of Possum Lake!

RED GREEN: {struggling to get to his feet} No, Harold. We thought of that– Whoa! We thought of that, Harold, but... {gets to his feet} what did Old Man Sedgewick have of value fifty years ago? Maybe his mind.

HAROLD GREEN: Well, do lodge members know about this picture?

RED GREEN: Well, they all know about it, and they don't care, Harold. We're too busy to be bothered with some supposed sunken treasure. We got important things to do.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah? Like what, specifically?

RED GREEN: Just things, that's all, Harold. Important things. Big things. You wouldn't understand. It's things men do.

HAROLD GREEN: Overeating, sleeping in, watching TV, drinking beer, fixing cars?

RED GREEN: Pretty much covers it, yeah. {nods}

Adventures With Bill TeaserEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill is covering something in the ground with various bush branches. He stands up and waves to the camera. Now, to get ready for "Adventures With Bill" a bit later in the show, Bill is building a little duck blind.
Bill gets down inside his duck blind. Suddenly, the Possum Van races through this area and bumps hard into the blind. Bill yells, "Whoa!" The van comes to a halt and Red climbs out. Point here is to be totally invisible. I think he's done an excellent job. I don't think I saw him, did I? No.
Red walks over to the duck blind, where Bill groans in pain. He slowly rises up out of the duck blind. He holds up one hand to let Red know he is fine. Are you all right there, Bill? Come on, you're all right. Hey, it's a duck blind; you're supposed to duck! {chuckles} Oh, you're fine.

The ExpertsEdit

{Harold, Red and Dalton Humphrey sit in the lodge around a table. Harold sits in a recliner while Red and Dalton sit in a two-person couch.}

HAROLD GREEN: Welcome to the Expert portion of the show! And on this week's Expert portion of the show, we have experts, my Uncle Red and his good friend, Dalton Humphrey!

{The audience and Harold applaud. Red and Dalton wave. Harold picks up an envelope and opens it. He takes out a folded letter and unfolds it.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, good! That's fine. 'Kay, first question goes as follows: {reads letter} "Dear Experts–" {gestures toward Red and Dalton} La-la-laa! All righty. {resumes reading} "–How old–" {stops suddenly} Whoa! Excellent one, okay! {resumes reading} "How old should a child be before you explain the facts of life to them?" {giggles; looks toward Red}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, this really depends on the maturity of the child. Some of them are ready at thirteen, others aren't ready until... Well, how old are you, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Nineteen.

RED GREEN: Until they're 21. But I'll tell ya, this is one job that no parent wants to do. I'm really glad I won't have to explain the facts of life any. {looks toward Dalton} Well, well, Dalton? {Dalton looks at Red} Uh, how old was your daughter when you told her about the birds and the bees?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, that's a wife's job, Red.

RED GREEN: {nods} Oh.

DALTON HUMPHREY: Yeah. A dad tells a son what he tells a daughter. Kind of the natural order of things, {Red nods} and, uh... Well, you're dad taught you, right?

RED GREEN: Well, no, he just, uh, gave me a book by Mickey Spillane called "Kiss Me Deadly", and, uh, he said, "This is what married people do." I thought he meant shoot each other and have car chases. That's pretty much what his relatives did, you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Mr. Humphrey, how old was your daughter Tabitha when your wife told her about the facts– {laughs} about the, uh– the– the– y'know, the– {flaps his arms; looks behind him} about it? When– How old– How old was she when she heard about it?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, she hasn't yet! Tabitha's only twenty. There's no rush.

RED GREEN: But she has a boyfriend, though, doesn't she, Dalton?

DALTON HUMPHREY: Huh! So? You know what? It's puppy love, Red; totally innocent.

RED GREEN: {shrugs} All right.

DALTON HUMPHREY: You know what? I don't think they even kiss yet. {giggles}

RED GREEN: I just thought, y'know, 'cause they moved in together, so...

DALTON HUMPHREY: Well, yeah, but that– that– that doesn't... mean anything. He sleeps on the couch. {Harold laughs; suddenly impatient} Her mother will talk to her when the time's right, all right?!

RED GREEN: Well, I hope she can get her attention in the delivery room.

Red's Campfire SongEdit

{Red plays guitar while Harold clicks two spoons together.}

RED GREEN:

I ask lots of men, what's the thing they like most?
Hunting or fishing or peanut butter on toast?
The most popular answer from each time I've asked
Is, whatever I'm doing, I like to go fast.

HAROLD GREEN: {singing} He likes to go fast!

RED GREEN:

Driving a car or riding a bike,
Eating my dinner or taking a hike.
Speed is the thrill that makes all men glad,
Except when we've fallen off the roof, in which case, we'd like gravity to just ease off on the throttle a tad.

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red enters another section of the lodge.}

RED GREEN: All right, maybe I didn't have too much luck at this year's spring trading, but I'll tell ya something: the true handyman makes his own luck. And often, his own bandages.

{Red walks up to two clothes dryers and a bicycle leaning on one of them.}

RED GREEN: All right, I couldn't get rid of these two clothes dryers and this bicycle. {pulls bike in front of him} So I guess you could say I'm stuck with 'em. Well then, why not turn them into something useful? I think it was Shakespeare who said, {struggles to pull one dryer closer to the other} you can't make a silk ear out of a sow's purse. {struggles to align this dryer up perfectly with the other} No, maybe that was Sir Francis Bacon. {struggles some more} But didn't he also say, you can make an electric lawn roller out of just about anything. And it's dead easy!

{Red struggles to push the dryer up behind the bike. Wipe to a later scene. Wearing goggles, Red is cutting one of the dryers with an electric saw.}

RED GREEN: First step, you gotta chop 'em down a little bit... {cuts some more} ...so that the drum will sit right there on the ground.

{Red gets up from this dryer. He gestures toward the other dryer, which has had its outer base cut out, revealing the drum underneath, lying on the ground.}

RED GREEN: See here? This is how they look when they're chopped and channeled with the chrome lifters and the (?) shifters on them. Kind of a beautiful-looking unit, don't you think? Coupla laps on your yard and this thing is... {taps dryer} Your grass'll be smooth enough to golf on. {gestures back toward other dryer} All right, once I get that one done, I need something to connect the two, so... {picks up bike and places it between the two dryers} I'm gonna use this bike. Kinda stick her in here. I could attach it with, uh, spot welding or stove bolts or... {picks up a roll of duct tape} Hey, how about the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape?

{Red starts to pull out some duct tape. Wipe to a later scene. Red has finished putting duct tape on the bike seat. The camera pulls back to reveal the bike now mounted by duct tape onto the two dryers, with the wheels inside the dryers' drums.}

RED GREEN: Alright, now I got the bicycle mounted onto my dryers here, and, uh, here's a word of caution. Actually, a little mistake that I made. Make sure you get a comfortable seat. {feels bike seats} Not one of these darn racing seats. We're looking at a major wedgie in my near future right here. The reason they call them banana seats is because they have to peel you off of them. Another thing you want to think about is that the dryers... the exhaust of them gives off a lot of the fabric softener fumes. You don't wanna be breathing that in. So what I'm gonna do is... {picks up a dryer exhaust pipe behind him} I'm gonna mount a couple of exhaust pipes using some of the standard, uh, {holds up a duct pipe} duct work from the dryer here. {starts looking around} And I just need something to tape the duct work together... {looks around behind him} Uh, some kind of a tape for duct work...

{Red starts digging through several rolls full of duct tape on a table behind him, tossing them all helter-skeleter as he does so. The audience laughs. He suddenly pulls out a roll of white adhesive tape.}

RED GREEN: Here we go. Adhesive tape, that'll be perfect. {picks up dryer exhaust pipe and squats down behind dryer} Just mount these on here. Boy, look at that, eh? Nothing says power like dual exhaust. Just screams, {points exhaust pipe at camera} "Eat my lint!"

{Red starts taping the pipe to the dryer with the adhesive tape. Wipe to a later scene. The two pairs of duct and exhaust pipes have been taped to the back of the dryer attached to the rear wheel of the bike. The pipes are sticking out of the open door of this dryer.}

RED GREEN: There we go! Got her all mounted up there. Now, I'm gonna be rolling a lawn, so I got her set on permanent press, but when I get to the garden beds, I'll flip her over to the delicate cycle. {starts walking around lawn roller, crawling under pipes doing so} Another thing you know, inside the dryer, you got a lotta air blowing around in there. {squats down next to a lint filter and a bag of grass seed} And you got one of these lint filters. {fills filter up with seeds} That's an ideal opportunity to throw some grass seed in there. {puts lint filter full of seeds inside dryer} Pop that baby in there, and you can actually be rolling and seeding all at the same time. {holds up some extension cords lying on dryer} And I got her hardwired into the house with plenty of cord for maneuverability. {stands next to lawn roller} She's a beauty, isn't she? Also make a dandy little steam roller, even a leaf press. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome... {slowly climbs up on bike seat from the right, swinging his left leg around to left as he does so} Ah! {sits down on seat, leaning on handlebars} ...they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta get rolling!

{Red pushes the starter button on the front roller. The dryers start humming and the drums start rolling. The lawn roller starts moving off-screen. Suddenly, just as the two duct pipes mounted on the back of the roller leave the screen, the roller topples over on its side.}

RED GREEN: {as the roller topples over} Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! {after the roller falls over} Well, she rolled.

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red stands in Ranger Gord's fire watchtower. He looks out over the forest while Gord makes motions with his hand.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned to find out about Ranger Gord's imaginary friend. Yikes!

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Harold tunes his switcher as Red enters the lodge, holding the framed picture.}

RED GREEN: Well, this aerial photo with the X in it has got everybody convinced there's something valuable at the bottom of Possum Lake.

HAROLD GREEN: Hey, you said the guys weren't interested in it!

RED GREEN: {to Harold} Well, no, they weren't, until they found out that you were, Harold. {to camera} The competition thing kicks in, you know. It's not that they think they'll really find treasure. They just can't stand the thought that somebody else might. {shakes head}

HAROLD GREEN: {walks up close to Red} No way! They had their chance. No way. You said they weren't interested.

RED GREEN: {nods} Well, no, they just don't want to look like idiots.

HAROLD GREEN: Really? Ho! Well...

RED GREEN: So now there's a big competition to see who can dive the deepest to find the treasure.

HAROLD GREEN: That deep? I swam out there. My feet touched the bottom.

RED GREEN: No, no, no, your feet might've touched, but that wasn't the bottom; that was just, y'know, stuff.

HAROLD GREEN: {disgusted} Oh, oh, ohhh! Well, okay! Well, fine, then. I'll just lower my brand-new video camera down there. {giggles}

RED GREEN: No, I tried that, Harold, and all I got was just darkness. Shows what you know.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, yeah! Okay, well, maybe you just had the– the– the waterproof case on backwards.

RED GREEN: {holds up a video camera} Waterproof case? Where's that?

{Water pours out of Red's video camera through the lens area. He and Harold look puzzled while the latter plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Visit With Ranger GordEdit

{Red and Ranger Gord stand in the latter's fire watchtower.}

RANGER GORD: Well, you know, Red, for all the forest beauty, it can be one of the most dangerous places on the face of the earth.

RED GREEN: Well then, I'm just thinking maybe we stop here, hold everything here, and you give people the people here some of the rules about being in the forest. {looks into camera} Maybe some of you folks at home might wanna jot a few of these down.

RANGER GORD: Excellent idea.

RED GREEN: Thank you very much.

RANGER GORD: Now, ladies and gentlemen, there's really only one rule that'll save your life when your in the forest: never come out alone. Always have a buddy with you, okay?

RED GREEN: Okay, just in case something goes wrong or something happens or whatever...

RANGER GORD: Right, that's right, your buddy will help you out, or at least you'll have somebody to blame the problem on. {Red laughs} No, I'm serious.

RED GREEN: {nods} You know what? I'm thinking some of the viewers will be saying, "Wait a second here, this is ironic! Ranger Gord can't even take his own advice." {looks at Gord} You don't have a buddy, do you?

RANGER GORD: Oh...

RED GREEN: Yeah.

RANGER GORD: I see what you're thinking, and in fact, {holds up index finger} I do. {walks across tower} Come on over here. I'll show you my buddy.

RED GREEN: {following Gord} Wow!

{Gord and Red walk over to the edge of the watchtower.}

RANGER GORD: {pointing out across forest} Yep, right over there on the horizon.

RED GREEN: {looking out} Yeah.

RANGER GORD: See it? The Port Asbestos lookout. {looks at camera} That's my buddy. {looks at Red} That's Ranger Vince. Every night, for the past twelve years, Ranger Vince and I have been turning on each other's lights. I'll turn on my lights, he turns on his lights. And it's just the two rangers saying, {pointing} "Hey, buddy! I've never met ya, but I'm there for ya."

RED GREEN: Uh, Gord?

RANGER GORD: You know, I've never met Ranger Vince, but I feel I know him. {Red tries to say something, but Gord interrupts} He's my buddy. Ranger Vince.

RED GREEN: Um, uh, uh, there's something I need to tell you about that, Gord. Uh, Ranger Vince is... He's actually not– He's, uh, actually not, uh– He's not actually in there. He left that tower twelve, I think maybe thirteen years ago. The loneliness, y'know, he wasn't like you. He couldn't take it, and {stammers} I think it's a radio transmitter at this point.

RANGER GORD: {interrupting} No, you see, that's not true, because every night, I see him turn on his lights.

RED GREEN: Uh, okay, okay, fair enough. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough.

RANGER GORD: {crossing his arms} So...

RED GREEN: {interrupting} But there again, I think that'd be a remote control unit. They just clicked the lights on from somewhere else just so the planes won't smack into the tower as much as they used to. That's all that is. Vince is gone. He's– He's– He's toast. He's taillights, he's in the wind. He's gone, he's outta there.

RANGER GORD: {disappointed} No Vince?

RED GREEN: There's no Vince over there, as far as I know.

RANGER GORD: {calling out from watchtower} VINCE!

RED GREEN: No, no.

RANGER GORD: {sadly} I've been alone for twelve years.

RED GREEN: No, you're doing great. You're doing great. No, you're doing {Gord starts sobbing} really well.

RANGER GORD: {sobbing} Somebody please hug me!

RED GREEN: Okay... {Gord continues to sob} No, no...

RANGER GORD: {walking towards Red} I feel alone!

RED GREEN: {trying to back away from Gord} Hey, I know! I know! I know! {points toward camera} My buddy, Harold! Away you go there. {Gord walks off, still sobbing} Sorry, Harold. {shakes head}

Buddy SystemEdit

{Red and Winston enter the room and walk up close to the camera.}

RED GREEN: Well, you're in the soup this time, aren't ya?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You agreed to meet her at a certain time and a certain place, and you forgot!

RED GREEN: You remembered, eh, an hour after the fact! But by then, you were over at the other side of town, halfway through a hamburger.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And she's standing out there, stomping around, getting mad, knee-high in the snow, and you're in deep sleet, buddy.

RED GREEN: All right, here's what you do: go to your vehicle and give yourself a flat tire.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Slash it!

RED GREEN: Poke it.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Shoot it!

RED GREEN: Whatever.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Whatever it takes.

RED GREEN: Whatever.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Exactly.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And if you got a perfectly inflated, unused spare tire, flatten that as well!

RED GREEN: Just let it go, just like that! What this does is, it makes your situation more miserable than hers. {rubs hands together}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: And that just gives her all the power to be forgiving, which gets you off the hook.

RED GREEN: {pointing at camera} By the time you get home, you'll be the one getting the sympathy!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Oh, sure, you're gonna have to call a tow truck guy and get towed off to the garage.

RED GREEN: Hey, wait a minute. {looks at Winston} That's fun!

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {looking at Red, then back at camera} Oh, yeah, but don't tell her that!

RED GREEN: {giving a thumbs-up} Right!

{Red and Winston then turn and both leave the room.}

Plot Segment 4Edit

{Harold pulls out the framed picture of the aerial photo and looks at it as Red walks into the lodge wearing a snowmobile suit.}

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} Uncle Red! Uncle Red, look at this! Look at this! {points at picture} This picture's dated 1943! {laughs} Guess what Old Man Sedgewick was doing in 1943!

RED GREEN: Avoiding World War II?

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking head} No, no, no. He was too old to serve. No, he was working in the railroad! Working on the railroad! So what I figure I'll do is, I'll go down, I'll check out all the old newspapers from 1943, check out the headlines, you know? Something like, uh, "Railway payroll vanishes". {giggles} You know? Uh, "Treasure train tumbles into lake".

RED GREEN: Well, Harold, if you're looking for newspapers, we got a bunch in our mattresses, you know?

HAROLD GREEN: No, but thank you. I think what I'll do is, I'll just go down to the library here in town.

RED GREEN: Library? There's no library here in town.

HAROLD GREEN: Across from the great hall. You know, that old yellow building.

RED GREEN: {surprised} That's a library?

HAROLD GREEN: {swaying head in frustration} Yes. {looking at Red's suit} Why are you dressed like this, Uncle Red?

RED GREEN: Well, you know, the bunch of us are gonna go scuba diving for the treasure, and nobody has any rubber clothing. At least none that they use for scuba diving. So now we got a real competition going to see who can make the most waterproof wetsuit.

HAROLD GREEN: {looking at suit again} Uncle Red, that's a snowmobile suit. You can't wear that into Possum Lake.

RED GREEN: I do every winter.

{Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Segue: Ranger GordEdit

{Gord stands with his arms crossed and looking serious.}

RANGER GORD: {serious tone} Hi again, Ranger Gord at Fire Watchtower 13, reminding you: never, ever try to feed a bear, never tease a bear, and never, ever try to dance with a bear. Trust me.

Adventures With BillEdit

Action on screen Red's voiceover
Bill is seen inside his duck blind. He raises his hand up out of it to wave to the camera. Red is in there with him. He looks out through a pair of binoculars. Bill pulls another pair of binoculars out of his pants and hands them to Red. Red puts the strap of the binoculars around his neck. Bill takes out another pair of binoculars, this pair very long, like a pair of telescopes. He looks out through these while Red looks out through his pair of regular binoculars. Well, as I was explaining earlier, Bill had built a duck blind, uh, because he had gotten some stuff at the spring trading. Uh, he'd gotten some optical stuff. Some little binoculars there, which he lent to me very kindly. But look at the– look at the unit he had there. Wow! That's beautiful. Wow. Don't look at the sun, Bill. {chuckles}
They suddenly hear a bird cawing. Bill abruptly looks towards the direction of the bird, holding his long binoculars. They are so long that they hit Red on the head, knocking him down. Red gets back up, holding his head. Bill then hears another bird cooing and swings his head the other way, his binoculars doing the same. Red tries to get Bill's attention, but Bill tries to keep him quiet temporarily. As Red continues to try and get Bill's attention, Bill says, "Sh!" and waves him off. Oh, there's a bird, there's a bird! Ooh! By golly, and they're heavy. You hit me there. Bill, you hit me with the– You hit me– You hit me with the– Yeah, alright, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Red looks through his binoculars again. Bill hears cooing again and swings his long binoculars in the direction of the bird, again hitting Red and knocking him down. Red gets back up and grabs Bill's binoculars. He jams the binoculars in Bill's face. Bill clutches at his face in pain. Red tries to grab Bill's binoculars, but Bill tries to hold onto the strap. They struggle with it and it suddenly flies out of their hands and into something that cracks. They heard a bird squawking. There's another one! There's another one! Oh, oh, oh! All right, try that on! Huh?! How's that feel?! Gimme those! Gimme 'em! C'mon, gimme 'em! Oh my gosh! That's one less bird. He was old.
Bill then grabs Red's binoculars, which are hanging from a strap around his neck. The strap chokes Red as Bill tries to look at the bird through the binoculars. Red tries to grab at the binoculars and finally yanks them away from Bill. He finally Ow, ow! Get that off! Hey, those were mine! You get your own! You gave me those, Bill! Get something else! Not my problem, all right?
As Red continues to look into his binoculars, Bill gets an idea and pulls out a camera. He shows it off to the TV camera and holds it in front of his face. But the camera has no lens. Bill points to his camera. Bill then takes out a very long tube. He puts it on his camera. Oh, he's got a camera. You got no lens in that camera, Bill. There's no lens in there. There's just a– You got to put a lens in that thing. You haven't even got a lens, have you? Oh, yes you do. Oh my gosh, look at that thing! Oh, man!
The tube-turned-camera-lens is so long that it sticks way out of the duck blind. Bill and Red hear a bird squawking. As Bill tries to focus on the bird, he swings the lens around and accidentally hits Red with it. Red clutches at his head in pain as Bill looks through his camera. That's a beauty! Boy, you can really take the telephoto shots with that, can't ya? Be careful with that, Bill. How does that bird look? Oh! Oh!
Red tries to grab Bill's camera by the long lens and tries to pull it out of Bill's hands. As Red tries to pull it away from Bill, he hits Bill on the head with it. Bill clutches his head in pain. Red throws the camera away. They hear the sound of the camera hitting another bird that squawks. Gimme that, you're dangerous! Gimme that, gimme that, gimme that, gimme that! I don't care about that. There! How's that feel? Oh my gosh, there goes another one. Okay.
Red and Bill don't hear any more birds and so put their hands to their ears as if straining to listen. They look at each other. They stand up out of their duck blind and each look a different direction, Red to his right, Bill to his left. They then look at each other and lower themselves back into the blind. Where are the birds? Where's all the birds, Bill? I don't hear anything. Nothin'! Where did they go? You look that way. I'll look this way. No birds.
Red looks over at Bill and says something to him. Bill gestures back to him. Red points at Bill accusingly. However, Bill suddenly has a white dove on his head, but neither of them know it. Well, now we get into, you know, whose fault it is and... I don't know– I don't wanna blame– I'm not gonna– I'm not here to– It's just I know it's not my fault. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying that... necessarily...
Suddenly, the bird on Bill's head twitters. He also has several other birds on his body and on the back of his head. Bill shushes Red and looks around. When he doesn't hear any more twittering, he finally shrugs. Suddenly, they hear the birds twittering again. Again, Bill makes a shushing sound. He looks around, but doesn't find any birds. He shrugs again. He reaches his hand up to scratch his head, but suddenly feels the birds on his head. He freaks out and starts screaming. In the process, he scares the birds that start chirping and squawking. Well, okay, I might have– I might have implied that... Wait, wait, wait! Wait! {pause} Oh, that's not it. No! There– There– Boy, they sound close. What the heck is he– Oh, for gosh sakes! I guess that the birds possibly–
Red quickly gets out of the blind and leaves. Bill runs his hands all over his body to shake off the birds. They fly off, chirping and squawking as they do. He looks up as they fly away. Suddenly, they poop all over him. Bill looks around, dumbfounded. I'm gettin' outta here! I'm done, I'm done! Bill, they went that way! Oh! This is on their trail! You might be following a little too close there, Bill!

Commercial bumperEdit

{Red and Hap are fishing out on the latter's houseboat. Hap is talking and gesturing with his hand.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Stay tuned for the most amazing stories since Hap spoke last.

Plot Segment 5Edit

{Harold holds up a newspaper in one hand and tunes his switcher with the other. Red enters the lodge, holding his snowmobile-suit-turned-wetsuit. He throws it down in disgust.}

RED GREEN: I'll tell ya, the various homemade wetsuits were all a disaster. {adjusts suspenders and belt} Junior Singleton made himself an electrically-heated unit. He was down there and caught the crotch of her on a stove and man, lit the whole place up! {spreads arms far apart} You could see the whole– the whole bottom of the lake. It was like a junkyard down there! {smiles; holds up hand} But that doesn't matter. We've now switched to plan B.

HAROLD GREEN: {turning pages of newspaper} Well, that's good. Yeah, plan B. Plan B's good.

RED GREEN: Yeah, yeah, Moose Thompson and I got ourselves a hundred-foot sewer pipe. We're gonna get that up on its end, {lowers hands} drop 'er right down, right down onto where the treasure is, then we're gonna pump all the water out from the inside of her, {makes climbing motions} climb down, and just pick the treasure right off the dry bottom.

HAROLD GREEN: {uncertain} Well, that sounds, uh... {nods hesitantly} good. Do you have a plan C?

RED GREEN: We don't need it, Harold. {pointing at newspaper} And is there anything in the old paper there that gives kind of a clue of what we're gonna find?

HAROLD GREEN: {shaking head} No! {looks at paper} There's nothing at all in this 1943 paper about sunken treasure, just... There's nothing in here. There's no mention of anything, not even a war! It's awful! Look at this: {reads paper} "Local farmer dies of scurvy." {turns page} "Town council votes down electric power." {turns page again} "1932 Packard for sale."

RED GREEN: {pointing at paper} Harold, that's today's paper!

HAROLD GREEN: {looks at front page} Oh, yeah! {giggles}

{Red frustratedly turns to leave as Harold plays his switcher to trigger the next scene.}

Visit With Hap ShaughnessyEdit

{Red and Hap are in Hap's houseboat. It is full of fishing equipment. They are both holding fishing rods.}

RED GREEN: Well, here I am with, uh, Hap Shaughnessy. What are we trying to catch today, Hap?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Pickle, Red.

RED GREEN: All right.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, a real fighting fish.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah? Would you say pickle is the hardest fighter you've ever faced?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {shrugs} Hardest fighting fish I've faced.

RED GREEN: Uh-huh.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {holds out rod in prone position} Mind you, they're not as hard as, uh, wrestling elephants.

RED GREEN: No. No, I guess not.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Been a while since I've done that.

RED GREEN: Oh, yeah?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: That was before they banned elephant wrestling. I had a lot of fun for a while, though. And the pay was good. But you know, we elephant wrestlers never got the respect that we shoulda got from the other athletes. This is after they– they made this a demonstration sport at the 1956 Olympics. In Oslo.

RED GREEN: Oslo, Norway?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah.

RED GREEN: No, that would be the Winter Olympics, Hap. I believe wrestling is a summer event, isn't it?

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Wrestling is a summer event.

RED GREEN: That's what I said, yeah.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Yeah, well, this is elephant wrestling, Red, done on ice. Make it more exciting.

{Wipe to a later scene. Red and Hap are now seated as they proceed to fish.}

RED GREEN: Wow. I would think that'd be very tiring to bring down an animal that size by yourself, Hap.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: {nods} Yeah.

RED GREEN: Yeah.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: Well, luckily, it was a tag match. {they both nod} I'd wear him down, my partner, Wally, would go in and get him to the breaking point, and then I'd go in for the final take-down.

RED GREEN: You pinning an elephant, Hap, huh? That's gotta be the biggest whopper you've ever laid out.

HAP SHAUGHNESSY: It's all in the technique. You use the elephant's strength against himself. You get him off balance. You get under the tusk, you pull on the trunk, and you push up. Bam! Then over he goes. Or her. Or them. I've seen me do a couple. You gotta find a whole new technique for the next match because an elephant never forgets.

RED GREEN: No, I envy them that.

Red's Handyman TipsEdit

{Red stands behind a table, holding up a pipe wrench.}

RED GREEN: This is a small pipe wrench. {drops pipe wrench into a pipe where it sits} This is a medium pipe wrench.

{Red takes the pipe wrench out of the pipe and drops it into a larger, longer pipe sticking out of the floor. But the pipe drops all the way down the pipe and through the floor, where he hears the sound of water splashing. He looks down the pipe at where the pipe landed.}

RED GREEN: This is a lost pipe wrench.

Plot Segment 6Edit

{As Harold continues to look into his newspaper from earlier, Red enters the front door of the lodge, holding something really long wrapped canvas. Harold looks up.}

HAROLD GREEN: {excited} You found it?! You found it?! {Red laughs} You actually found the treasure! Oh! That's excellent! Ohh, let's see, let's see, let's see, let's see!

RED GREEN: Okay. Get ready, get ready! Get ready for it, Harold! {starts unwrapping the canvas} Get ready! Get ready! You ready? You ready, Harold?

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I'm ready!

RED GREEN: Yeah, here we go! Here we go! Here we go! {completely unwraps the canvas off of what was contained} Huh?

{Harold looks at what had been unwrapped: it's a huge railroad crossing sign.}

HAROLD GREEN: {puzzled} That's it?

RED GREEN: Yeah. Yeah, I guess it just, uh, y'know, showed up better in the– in the photo, because, uh, well, it was there. I guess Possum Lake was a lot clearer back in those days.

HAROLD GREEN: Oh, that's... That's not gonna be worth much.

RED GREEN: Well... we found it and you didn't, so that has some value. {laughs}

HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, okay, to a moron. {laughs}

RED GREEN: I know what you're saying, but it's not for sale.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: Meeting time, Uncle Red.

RED GREEN: Away you go, Harold. Have a good time. {Harold leaves and goes down into basement, removing switcher from his person as he does} I'll be down in a minute. {to camera} If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And I'll tell you something: I'm not nearly as concerned about what's at the bottom of the lake as I am of what's at the bottom of my heart. 'Course, onions always do that to me. To the rest of ya, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and Harold and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, keep your stick on the ice. {waves}

{Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Red and Harold are already at the front of the room.}

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, all rise! {everyone starts standing up} Seriously, he's here now!

{Everyone finishes standing up and crosses their arms over their chests.}'

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

{Red motions for everyone to sit down.}

HAROLD GREEN: {reading from a pink piece of paper in his hand} All right, there's been a report that there was a car left at Possum Lake last night. Is the owner here now? {raises hand} Raise your hand if you left your car in Possum Lake.

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