The complete transcript for Xmas In July

Opening SceneEdit

{Red stands out in front of someone's house. He has his arm wrapped around a shovel, partially stuck in the ground. He hands a small box to another man who stands next to him.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} This guy is my neighbor, Bob Dinkins from up the road.

{Bob takes the box and opens up the box. Inside is a gold watch.}

RED GREEN: {voiceover} Now, I've just given him a watch. He's pretty happy about that. {Bob is about to put watch on, but Red stops him} He thinks it's real nice to get a gift. I guess he doesn't know much about the Trojan War.

{Bob turns and starts to walk off. Red waves.}

RED GREEN: {calling after Bob} Remember, Bob, don't put it on 'til you get home.

{Bob turns and leaves. Red then walks off in another direction, holding his shovel.}

RED GREEN: You have a neighbor or relative who keeps dropping in unannounced and is always quick to tell you what you're doing wrong, or you're an idiot, or he's gonna call the cops unless you give him a beer... {walks up to a hole in the ground; sticks shovel in ground} Well, here's what you do: get yourself one of those invisible fence units that you use to keep your dog inside your yard. {gestures toward hole} And you bury the wire around the perimeter of your property. {tosses shovel aside; pulls a dog collar out of pants pocket} Then you put a special collar onto your dog, and every time he gets near the buried wire, {shakes collar slightly} he gets zapped! {holds up collar, the workings of which have clearly been ripped out} Now, you may have noticed I've taken the zapper out of this collar. That's because I installed it into that watch {gestures off-camera with thumb} I just gave to my annoying neighbor. {puts collar back in pocket} I figure any system that can keep a dog in should be able to keep a goof out. {walks up to power switch on a pole} Besides, this is way too cruel to use on an animal. {looks off-screen} Okay, he's off the property. I think we should arm the perimeter.

{Red flips the switch up. A light on the pole lights up, accompanied by a loud humming noise. Red looks off-screen again.}

RED GREEN: Oh, look, he's coming back! Probably wants to tell me something else I don't need to know.

{Suddenly, he hears the sound of zapping, as apparently, Bob's watch with the collar's zapper unit in it zaps him. As this happens, the light on the pole flickers slightly.}

RED GREEN: {calling off-screen} Hey, Bob! Check your watch! Looks like it's payback time!

{Red laughs. He then grabs the switch and starts to flip it back down. As he does so, however, he gets zapped as the power box on the switch suddenly explodes in a shower of sparks.}


{Red enters the lodge, waving to the camera and the cheering audience. He holds a piece of roof shingle in his hand, which he uses to fan himself, as though trying to cool himself off.}

RED GREEN: Thank you very much. I appreciate that. I gotta tell ya, we got a real hot one goin' on here today. I don't know the exact temperature, but, uh, the basement of the lodge is dry! And... that hasn't happened since... well, that's never happened, actually. {sniffs roof shingle and looks at it} Okay, I think I know which building this shingle came off of.

{Red tosses the shingle aside. Suddenly, the front door opens. Harold runs into the lodge, holding some tinsel.}

HAROLD GREEN: {excitedly} Merry Christmas, Uncle Red! {tosses tinsel in Red's disbelieving face} Merry Christmas! Christmas merry! Merry Christmas!

RED GREEN: I hope that's sunstroke, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {giggles} No! I'm just trying to get you in the spirit of our first annual {dramatically} Christmas in July celebration!

RED GREEN: And... why would this be a good thing, do you think?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, because it brings crowds, it brings visitors up to the lodge! They'll think, "Possum Lake is having Christmas in July? That's crazy, let's go!"

RED GREEN: What if they think, "That's crazy, let's stay away in droves"?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, then, we just gotta keep putting that out that Christmas cheer, don't we? {giggles} We're gonna get every cynic to join hand-in-hand and say, "I don't care if it is July, I wish everyone the best and merriest Christmas ever!"

RED GREEN: Boy, I hope your medical insurance is paid up, Harold.

HAROLD GREEN: {pointing to Red} I need your help! I need your help. Yeah, 'cause the lodge is a big part of Christmas around here, right? So, you know, how you put those lights around the lodge at Christmas time?


HAROLD GREEN: I need you to do that again right now, in July! Get the festive mood started!

RED GREEN: {turns around} Yeah, alright, sure, sure, that's fine, yeah. {walks toward corner of lodge}

HAROLD GREEN: Yes? No complaining, no arguing? That's it? You know, I asked you to put lights all around the lodge, you know. That's– And you're just doing that? You're gonna go along with it? That's so great, I really appreciate it.

RED GREEN: Well, it is a lot of work for me, but I figure, if I help you now, then you're gonna owe me one later, right?

HAROLD GREEN: Absolutely. Anything, anytime.

{Red flips a switch in the corner of the lodge. Christmas lights hanging on the walls suddenly light up and flash. Red wipes his hands together.}


The Possum Lodge Word GameEdit

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: It's time for the Possum Lodge Word Game!

{Winston waves and applauds. The camera pulls back to reveal Winston standing behind the card table where Red and Mike are seated. Mike makes excited gyrations with his arms and rubs his hands together.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Today's contestant will be playing for the Possum Lodge Word Game home version! {Mike rubs his hands together again} Okay, Red, you have thirty seconds to get Mike Hamar... {looks towards Mike} Cover your ears. {back to Red} say this word... {holds up word sign} "Respect". {different, more dramatic tone} "Respect"!

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right, Winston.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Okay. {sets sign down; Mike uncovers ears} And go!

RED GREEN: Okay, Mike, uh, when you were a kid, you were taught to always give this to your parents.

MIKE HAMAR: My take.

RED GREEN: {looks away in thought momentarily} Okay, if you want to have a lasting relationship with a woman, you have to treat her with...

MIKE HAMAR: ...antidepressants.

RED GREEN: {thinks again} Okay, your mother probably told you, if you want to get ahead in life, you've got to show a little...

MIKE HAMAR: {shiftily} ...thigh.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {pointing to his watch} Red, you're almost out of time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, okay. {suddenly looks up excitedly; pointing at Mike} I got it! This was a big hit for Aretha Franklin in the '60s!

MIKE HAMAR: {surprised} You can remember something from the '60s? {looks away} Boy, you gotta respect that!

RED GREEN: There we go!

{Red repeatedly rings the bell on the table to end the game. Winston hands a board game to Mike.}

Handyman CornerEdit

{Red emerges from a shed outside the lodge. He walks up to a car with various stripes on it and no roof, holding a piece of paper.}

RED GREEN: {holding up paper} I got a letter from our local environmental agency. {looks at letter} Apparently, one of our neighbors has registered a complaint about all the junk we have lying around the lodge. {taps car hood} Especially our unfinished projects. {bends down to open up hood} I know who it is, too. {struggles in vain to open hood} It's that new guy in the fancy A-frame. {walks around to driver's side} He's been giving us grief ever since he saw us cooking wienies over a tire fire. {tries to open car door} He says the lodge is keeping his property value down. {reaches inside door to unlock it} Well, sure it is! It always has. If it didn't, he wouldn't have been able to afford the place! {opens door and stoops down next to driver's seat} But now he's gone and got the government involved, and I gotta get the car outta here. {looks at letter} Actually, they say if I can just remove the engine and the gas tank, they're the biggest environmental hazards. {sniffs car seat} I guess they never smelled the upholstery.

{Red gets up and closes the door. He walks around to the front of the car.}

RED GREEN: Now, as always, I like to do two things at once, 'cause that means I can work slower. {holds up index finger} I have an idea that'll satisfy the government and increase the property value all at the same time! {opens car hood} Can you guess what it is? I'm gonna take out the engine and the gas tank, {leans against raised hood} and what do you suppose I'm gonna do with them? {points at camera after slight pause} Exactly right, an automatic lawn sprinkler system. You're good! {wipes hands together} Okay, now, to take out the engine and the gas tank, all you do is... {rubs hands together} take out the engine and the gas tank.

{Wipe to a later scene. A montage begins. First, Red is lying down on the ground underneath the car, struggling to work to get out the gas tank. He is kicking his legs around and hyperventilating with the effort. After that, Red stands back up again. The car's hood is still raised. He raises a sledgehammer to strike at the exposed engine. But as he does this, the head of the hammer flies off backwards and crashes into a pile of garbage beside a shed. Red notices what happened and then, after a brief pause, he uses the handle of the hammer to pry the engine out. Next, he feverishly raises the back end of the car with a car jack. The bumper it is attached to lifts off the ground, but the jack does not lift up the car. It only breaks the back bumper off. Red looks at the camera with disappointment. Still later, he has attached some wiring and pulley wheels together and attached them to the front end of the car. The wiring runs along a pair of ladders. He the feverishly operates the pulley system so that it raises the car way up into the air. The back end has already been raised up with an oil drum underneath it, with only the front end needing to be raised. Once the car is high up in the air enough, he locks the pulley system in place, suspending the car in midair. Then Red moves another oil drum underneath this end of the car. He then unlocks the pulley system. The car drops down onto the drums with a thud. The engine and the gas tank fall out of the car. Red sees where the engine and the gas tank had fallen out and looks at the camera with a satisfied look. The montage ends with Red in a boat on the water. The car engine is in the boat with him. The boat is moored to the shore by a rope. The intake hose is draped over the side of the boat into the lake.}

RED GREEN: Okay, the rest of the job is pretty easy here. I got everything I need to make the engine go mounted inside the boat here. Now, I had to make a few minor alterations to the water pump to turn it into a sprinkler. {picks up intake hose} First of all, I quadrupled the size of the intake hose, so this baby'll pass some serious water. {drops hose back into water} Now I just drop that into the lake. {gestures toward a fire hose nozzle sticking out of outboard} Okay, now, to get my big spray, I took the nozzle off the lodge fire house and attached that to the output side of the water pump. {waves dismissively} I'm not really worried about the lodge catching fire. We keep it pretty damp. {holds up index finger} And here's an little extra piece of ingenuity: I attached the boat just to the one side of the boat.

{Red pulls on a rope attached to the boat. The other end of the rope is tied to a sign on the shore. Red's pulling on the rope brings in the boat to shore.}

RED GREEN: And that way, she'll kinda swing and sway with the wind and the waves, and I'll end up getting maximum coverage of my water spray. {climbs out of boat and walks onto shore; picks up a long pole} Oh, yeah. {holds up pole, which has an ignition key duct-taped to its end} And for safety's sake, I added a remote starter. {places key on pole into boat ignition keyhole} So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.

{Red twists the boat, and the key with it, to the left, then pulls the pole and the key out. The boat starts up. Water sprays out of the fire hose, and the boat drifts away from the shore and out towards the middle of the lake. The rope mooring the boat to the sign unravels. The rope strains at the boat and finally snaps. The boat is no longer tied to shore, and, with the water still spraying, drifts out to the middle of the lake. Red watches what happens, still holding the pole. He drops the pole and, turning to the camera, takes out his letter from earlier. He tears it up and tosses it on the ground, then walks away.}

Red's Sage AdviceEdit

RED GREEN: I want to talk to you guys about succeeding and failing. Now, when you were growing up and going to school, they put a lot of emphasis on success. I don't agree with that. I don't think success is nearly as important as failure. {waves hand} I'm not talking about total failure where you lose everything and live in a cardboard box under a bridge. I'm talking about manageable failure. You know, like being temporarily unemployed or losing your car keys or buying something on television that's {makes finger quotes} "not available in stores". Now, don't get me wrong, success is good. But it doesn't happen to most of us. And if it did, {nods} they'd change it, believe me. So I figure, rather than spending your whole life feeling bad because you've never succeeded, I think, for us normal people, it's better to spend your whole life feeling confident that you can handle failure. {holds up both hands} So here's what you do: take some little, harmless challenge, and just fail at it! Right away! Just fail! Just flunk right out of that, okay? Then, get over it, and get on with your life. And just keep doing that over and over and over again. What'll happen is, you'll stop being afraid of failing, and you might even fluke a success! {nods and smiles} At the very least, you'll be a happy failure, and your friends will have a lot of laughs at your expense! Remember, I'm pulling for ya. We're all in this together.

The ExpertsEdit

{The camera slowly zooms in on Winston.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Welcome to the Experts portion of the show, where we explore those {holds up three fingers} three little words men find so hard to say:

{Winston is revealed to be sitting on a chair, with a table in front of it. Next to his chair, Red and Mike are sitting on a car-themed couch.}

AUDIENCE: I DON'T KNOW! {headlights on car couch light up with each word}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yes! Those are the words. Okay. {holds up letter} Today's letter reads as follows: {briefly gestures towards Red and Mike, then starts reading} "Dear Experts, a guy at work has owed me a hundred dollars for over a year. Yesterday, I found his wallet in a locker room. The wallet had approximately $187.13 in it. Should I keep some of it, all of it, or none of it?" {looks up} Red?

RED GREEN: Well, I have an answer, {somewhat smugly} but I just can't wait to hear what Mike has to say. {looks toward Mike}

MIKE HAMAR: {stares briefly} Oh, okay, sure. Uh, well, um, I would return the wallet to its proper owner, complete with all the person's money. {nods}

RED GREEN: That's your answer?

MIKE HAMAR: {nods again} That's my answer for television. {smiles}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Yeah, I agree, I would return the wallet, but, uh, I'd take out the hundred bucks the guy owed me.

RED GREEN: Okay, now, I'd kinda agree with both of you. I certainly wouldn't keep the wallet. I'd chuck it into a dumpster after I hoisted the 180 bucks out of her.

MIKE HAMAR: {looks at Red disappointingly} That is very disappointing.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You notice the difference between our answer and yours?

RED GREEN: Yeah, I didn't lie.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: Red, you can't steal a man's wallet!

RED GREEN: Well, I didn't steal the wallet, he just left it lying around, eh? It was fair game.

MIKE HAMAR: {holds up index finger} You know, I think Mr. Green might be right.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {shaking head} No, no, he's not right.

RED GREEN: Oh, sure I am! {points at Winston} And I'll tell you the problem, baggy pants. {points at Winston's pants} Baggy pants! Eh? {smiles and feels around his own pants} I like to wear mine a little tight. That way, I can always feel my wallet.

{Red suddenly feels in his back pockets, but feels that something is missing. Mike then pulls a wallet out of his own pants.}

MIKE HAMAR: {showing Red wallet} You looking for this?

RED GREEN: {looks at wallet} Where'd you get my wallet?

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {sarcastically} Maybe you just left it {waves hand around} "lying around"!

RED GREEN: Stop! {to Mike} Gimme the wallet, Mike.

MIKE HAMAR: Okay, okay. {opens up wallet and takes out some money} But first, I'm gonna take out the twenty bucks you owe me. {gives wallet to Red}

RED GREEN: I don't owe you twenty bucks, you owe me twenty bucks.

MIKE HAMAR: Oh. {hands Red money} Okay, well, then, here you go. Now we're even.

RED GREEN: {looks at money, then becomes exasperated} We're not even, Mike. This is my money. {puts money back in wallet}

MIKE HAMAR: {holds up hands} Okay, okay, fine. Um... {clears throat; pulls another wallet out of pants pocket, then pulls out some money to give to Red} Well, here's the twenty bucks I owe ya. {Red snatches money away} Great.

RED GREEN: Thank you.

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: {shocked, pointing at wallet} Hey, that's my wallet! {Mike gives Winston wallet; Red chuckles}

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, Mr. Green?


MIKE HAMAR: {pointing to Winston} You owe Winston twenty bucks.

{Reluctantly, Red hands the money to Winston, who snatches the money away. Mike shrugs.}

Red's Handyman TipsEdit

{A toy train runs along the floor of the room of a house, tooting its whistle. It bumps into a roll of duct tape on the floor, then turns in another direction. It bumps into something else and continues to move around. It then moves backwards.}

RED GREEN: Have you seen these toy trains where, when they run into something, they just turn around and head off in another direction? Kind of like a politician at a press conference? {walks up to toy train and picks it up} I'll bet if I let this thing go, it'd cover the whole floor. In fact, I'm countin' on it. {sits down in a chair with train in his lap; picks up a vacuum hose} Now, you're probably wondering why I would have a toy like this. {removes a strip of duct tape from a roll} I don't have any kids. I don't really enjoy a toy running around underfoot and making annoying noises. {uses tape to attach hose to train} You probably couldn't guess why I have this toy if I gave you a month of Sundays. {gets up from chair and walks over to vacuum the hose was attached to} But then again, you don't know that I promised Bernice that I'd vacuum this room.

{Red puts the train with the hose attached to it on the floor. He then picks up the vacuum cleaner itself and hangs it from a chandelier above. The vacuum weighs down the chandelier. He then turns on the vacuum. The toy train, tooting its whistle, moves back and forth around the floor with the hose attached to it, sucking up things like a hose usually does. Red smiles and gives a thumbs-up.}

Plot Segment 2Edit

{Red walks into the lodge with a look of disgust on his face.}

RED GREEN: Well, Harold's still trying to convince everybody to celebrate Christmas in July. He's all dressed up like a Christmas angel. {shakes head; points behind him with thumb} He's got this booth downtown where he's selling Christmas cookies and pumpkin pies. And he's singing Christmas carols! What is it with singing voices? You notice how the bad ones are always loud? Nobody wants to hark when they hear this "Harold" angel sing!

{The front door opens and Harold walks in slowly. He is indeed dressed as an angel. His face and glasses are covered in pie cream. Red looks amused.}

RED GREEN: Man! {chuckles} You okay? You look a little pie-eyed. {laughs again}

HAROLD GREEN: May I have a towel, please?

RED GREEN: {looks around, then picks up a piece of curtain in corner} Just use a curtain.

HAROLD GREEN: {wiping face with curtain} Well, this has been a learning experience.

RED GREEN: Oh yeah, never to sing when there's pies around?

HAROLD GREEN: {somewhat agitated} No, that this town needs a little Christmas right this very minute!


HAROLD GREEN: {points out of lodge with thumb} There's hardly any spirit of human kindness out there at all!

RED GREEN: Harold, give it up, okay? A pumpkin pie in the face is no harm done. You're not gonna get off so lucky when the corn cobs come out.

HAROLD GREEN: I do not quit, Uncle Red! I already spoken to some of the lodge members, and they agreed to join me in a very special Christmas parade. {front door opens again}

RED GREEN: {frustrated} Oh, no!

{Dalton and Mike walk into the lodge. Dalton is wearing a snowman costume and holding the snowman head in his hand. Mike is dressed as a reindeer, with antlers and a red nose over his actual nose.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: {annoyed} Harold, this Frosty the Snowman costume's ridiculous! It's hot, it's itchy, I'm melting in here!

RED GREEN: Oh, now, there's a jolly, happy soul.

MIKE HAMAR: How do you like my red nose, Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: You wearing a red nose? {stares at Mike}

HAROLD GREEN: I think you guys look great. I need your help, too, though, Uncle Red.


HAROLD GREEN: Yeah, I need you to drive the float.

RED GREEN: Oh, alright. Yeah, sure. What is it anyway?

HAROLD GREEN: Well, it's a soft drink delivery truck. {nods}

RED GREEN: Oh yeah? What– What– What kind of soft drink?

HAROLD GREEN: Root beer.

RED GREEN: Oh, so it's a root beer float. {laughs}

HAROLD GREEN: Am I supposed to laugh at that?

RED GREEN: Well, it's Christmas, Harold, huh?

HAROLD GREEN: It's parade time, Uncle Red, huh?

RED GREEN: All right. {turns and heads for front door}

MIKE HAMAR: Hey, what costume are you wearing, Mr. Green?

RED GREEN: {looking at lodge outfit} I'm going like this. I'm going as the smart one. I think I can pull that off.

{After a moment's pause, the others follow him.}

HAROLD GREEN: {to camera while following others} It should work when he doesn't talk.


Action on screen Red's voiceover
Red, Winston and Walter stand near a tire swing in a tree outside the lodge. The tire is very worn out, stretched out and shredded in some spots. Red examines it and speaks to Winston and Walter. Winston waves dismissively, while Walter shrugs and nods. Walter takes a hold of the rope holding up the tire, hops up in the air and then swings his feet into the tire. He lays down on it. But his weight causes the tire to stretch down so far that he falls on the ground. He pulls on the stretched out remains of the tire, and it falls down on his stomach completely. Red and Winston start to walk off, Red waving Walter to come with them. Walter gets to his feet and follows them, shaking the old tire off his body as he does so. I wanted to replace the tire swing out in the back, but Walter seemed to think there's nothing wrong with it. He said he's the one who uses this, so I didn't want to argue with him. So he's gonna demonstrate. No! See, I don't think– I think it needs– It's just– Yeah! Uh, I think it needs to be replaced. Of course, what we need now, to do that, is, uh, get another tire. We usually have tires...
Red, Winston and Walter walk along the field, looking around as they do. Suddenly, Walter stops and points offscreen. He then past Red and Winston and up a ramp. He picks up a tire from behind the ramp and holds it up to Red and Winston. Red and Winston wave down to the ground. Walter raises the tire in the air and brings it down hard on the ramp. On impact, however, instead of bouncing, it breaks in half. Red and Winston walk off, Walter following them. ...around the lodge. We kinda... keep lots of stuff around– around the lodge. We're gonna let Walter pick, 'cause like I say, he's the one that uses the tire swing. He's got one right there. Give her– Give her a bounce there, Walter. Make sure she's okay. No, I don't think so. So moving on. Actually, we have a lot of junk. It's funny how things just pile up.
Red, Winston and Walter continue to walk across the yard. There's a lot of junk on the ground here, including a playground slide, some pipes and a bathtub. They look around at the area as they walk through it. Walter picks up one of the metal pipes and calls into it. You don't get things put away properly. I don't know what exactly what we had in mind when we created this little display, but... Probably nothing. Keep moving on. There's tires– There's tire– You know, there's tires behind one of the outbuildings there.
The men all walk up to one shed, which has several tires piled up on the side, One tire is on the edge of the roof. Red bends down to pick up a few of the tires piled up. Then Walter spots the tire on the roof and points up to it. They stare at the tire and Walter shrugs. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, look at all the tires, we're getting all kinds of them. We like any of these down on– down on the ground, but then... 'Course, Walter sees one up on the roof up there that he wants. So the big question is, how does a tire get up– get up on the roof? Walter has no idea.
Walter points to a stack of tires, pantomimes a climbing motion, and then points to the tire on the roof. Red, Winston and Walter then gather up the tires and pile them on the stack. Walter then climbs up the stack of tires. So, um, he wants us to pile the tires up on top there, and he'll just, uh, he'll just climb up and, uh, get down what he sees is his favorite tire. Walter is, uh, kind of athletic. Up he goes. That's a little shaky to me, but, uh, I think he's fine with it.
Walter gets to the top of the tire stack. He slowly gets to his feet on top of the stack, which is very shaky. He then reaches out and takes the tire on the roof. He then turns toward Red and Winston, about to climb back down. But suddenly, Walter drops through the center hole in the tire stack. In the process, he accidentally drops the tire he was holding. Winston ducks down as the tire flies over him. He gets up there, and, uh, he's just gonna grab the tire and just... I guess just throw it down to the other– Keep her balanced. Nice– Nice balance– Nice– Well, you're fine, you're good, you're good, you're good, you're good. Okay, okay, okay, come on down, come on down, come on down. Oh!
Red and Winston run up to the stack of tires Walter had fallen into. They start removing the tires from the stack, one by one, until Walter's head is exposed. However, as they remove the tires from around his body, it becomes more and more difficult to do so, because he is stuck in the tires. Red and Winston strain with all their might to pull the tire off from around Walter's waist, but to no avail. Finally, they give up and walk off, waving dismissively, while Walter struggles to get the tire off of himself. So now we gotta get him outta there, and, uh... Now, the first few come off, no problem, but, uh... we're getting down into the... some of the radials with the smaller rim, and they just won't fit around his waist, so... rather than take the tire, we'll figure, why don't we just use that tire, get Walter over to the swing and just kind of...
Later, Red and Walter walk back over to the rope the old tire swing was attached to. Walter, now free of the tire pile, but with the one tire still stuck on him, walks up to the rope. Winston gestures his hands up as he waves Walter over to the rope. Walter bends backwards so they can attach the tire to the rope. ...attach the rope right directly to the tire that Walter is wearing. That's a little bit easier. So, uh, we get that hooked on there.
Still later, the men have finally attached the tire, with Walter in it, to the swing rope. Red moves the tire swing back and forth gently, while Walter looks annoyed and nods his head about something. Red and Winston get behind the tire and motion Walter to lie straight, which he does. Then Red and Winston pull back on the swing and push it forward, hard. Unfortunately, the force of the push hurls the tire swing off the rope, which then breaks off the rope and goes flying through the air. Then I give him a little– nice little tip. It's not– It's not exciting enough. He's complaining, he wants– he wants a real good... So I got a real good idea. Get him to lie down. Lie down, Walter. Now, Winston, let's give him a real good– real good... And I think, unfortunately, we did push him a little too hard. It broke right off there and...
The tire, with Walter in it, hits one of the outbuildings and rolls down the side and down a pile on the ground. It rolls across the ground and across the yard full of junk. It rolls up the slide and then flies through the air. It finally lands in the bathtub with such force that Walter is now freed from it. The tire continues to fly through the air. Down she comes and then... up the slide and then into the tub. Oh man!
Red and Winston run up to the tub where Walter is. They watch as the tire lands on the same building where they had found it. It bounces toward the edge of the roof and finally coming to rest in the exact same spot as before. The men look and gesture toward it, while Walter gets out of the tub and gets to his knees to look at it better. Boy, but he's all right, he's fine, he's all good. Okay, that's how the tire ended up on the roof, I guess!

Red's Handyman Tips 2Edit

{Red stands outside the lodge, next to the Possum Van. It is snowy out and Red is wearing a coat and skunk-pelt mittens. A long plastic hose is draped over the side of the van and attached to it in duct tape. The van's engine is running.}

RED GREEN: Now, here's an idea that's either gonna change what you think of me or confirm what you've already suspected. {waves hand across himself} You know, when the roads are covered in snow and ice, instead of going out and buying snow tires like you're made of money, or staying home like you're fun to be with, why don't you try this?

{Red stoops down next to the van and the hose, which ends just at the van's front wheel, where the hose has a shower head on the end. The van's exhaust is coming out of the hose.}

RED GREEN: Hook up a couple of old shower heads in front of each of your wheels, pointing straight down at the road.

{Red gets back up and walks toward the back of the van. He runs his hand along the roof of the van, which has the hose running along it.}

RED GREEN: Then you connect them all together with this flexible hose, which you can get from any construction site during a strike.

{Red shows off the van, which is covered in hoses near the back, running all along the sides, along the roof and underneath the van, too.}

RED GREEN: And you run the hoses all the way down to the back and hook them up to the exhaust pipe of your vehicle. {walks back to front of van} And it's just that easy. {opens driver's side door} You don't need snow tires because the heat from the exhaust will melt the snow long before your tires ever get there. {climbs into van} Give it a try! {closes door and leans out open window} You'll have people in your town wondering where you got the hot wheels, rather than where you got the hot car.

{Red puts the Possum Van into gear and drives it off. As it drives along, the hoses directing the exhaust run them toward the ground and, through the shower heads, melt the snow. As the van drives along, it leaves behind trails of visibly melted snow.}

Plot Segment 3Edit

{Harold stumbles into the lodge, still wearing his angel costume, only it now looks all disheveled.}

HAROLD GREEN: {upset} That was the most disgusting, embarrassing thing that's ever happened to me in my life! And believe me, I've had some dandies.

{Dalton and Mike then enter, laughing loudly. They are still wearing their costumes, too, but they, too, are tattered and disheveled-looking.}

DALTON HUMPHREY: Aw man! Oh, thanks, Harold, that was a hoot! {laughs}

MIKE HAMAR: That has to be the most fun parade ever!

HAROLD GREEN: That wasn't fun! I thought you guys were gonna get killed in the back of that truck.

DALTON HUMPHREY: {still laughing} Red got her going pretty quick, huh? {laughs some more} We're going to the meeting. Are you coming?

HAROLD GREEN: No, I'm gonna wait here for the Grinch. {Dalton and Mike turn and head for the basement stairs at the back} Hey, where is he anyway?

MIKE HAMAR: Uh, he's out parking the pop truck and apologizing to the police.

{Harold cringes while Dalton and Mike go down the basement stairs. The front door opens again and Red enters. He is dressed like Santa Claus and holding a huge sack over his shoulder.}

RED GREEN: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas. {chuckles}

HAROLD GREEN: {angrily} What was that all about?! The entire Christmas parade took only 45 seconds! {Red shrugs and scratches his ear} How fast were you going?

RED GREEN: I don't know, my stomach was blocking the dashboard. You know, we were hot, and I'll tell ya, that breeze was very refreshing.

HAROLD GREEN: A Christmas parade is not supposed to peel rubber! Christmas symbolizes peace on Earth, not hell on wheels!

RED GREEN: So... you're not happy with Santa?

HAROLD GREEN: Not when Santa turns a Christmas parade into a demolition derby, no!

RED GREEN: Oh, Harold, no one was ever at risk there. I don't think either of the spectators were injured.

HAROLD GREEN: Okay, okay! You know what? {points at Red accusingly} You are the worst Santa there has ever been! {holds up hands} Okay!

RED GREEN: Ohhhh! {somewhat smugly} I think you've forgotten that I'm making a list and checking it twice. And that was a little naughty and not very nice. Did you get what you wanted for Christmas?


RED GREEN: {holds up index finger} Well, no wonder, because you cried and you pouted. {opens up sack} But let me look in my sack here, little boy. I think I might have something for you. {looks inside and digs around in there}

HAROLD GREEN: What do you got?

RED GREEN: I got something.

HAROLD GREEN: What do you got?

RED GREEN: I might have something.

HAROLD GREEN: What do you got?

RED GREEN: I'm just looking...

HAROLD GREEN: {eagerly} What do you got? What do you got?

RED GREEN: {feeling something} I got something.

HAROLD GREEN: What, what?

RED GREEN: {pulling out small wrapped present from sack} How's that, eh?

HAROLD GREEN: {taking present, ecstatically} Oh, oh! What is that?

RED GREEN: Well, that's a can of root beer, Harold. But you know, it rolled around a fair bit in the truck, so... {looks thoughtful} I would say don't open that until Christmas.

HAROLD GREEN: {holds up present} Okay.

{The "Squeal of the Possum" sounds.}

HAROLD GREEN: It's meeting time.

RED GREEN: Yeah, all right. {Harold turns toward basement stairs holding present way out in front of him} Away you go, away you go. {Harold reaches basement stairs and walks down} You're good, you're good. {Harold looks toward Red} Watch the door. Alright, good. Okay. {to camera, putting sack over shoulder again} So, if, uh, Mrs. Claus is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I'm really hoping there's something for me under the tree tonight. Or even better, I'm hoping I can actually come into the house. {to audience} And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at Possum Lodge, merry Christmas and keep your stick on the ice.

{Red waves and walks toward the basement stairs. Wipe to the Lodge Meeting. Harold, Dalton and Mike all stand at the front of the meeting, still in their costumes. Winston is up there, too. Winston waves the men down there to sit down as Red comes down the stairs.}

WINSTON ROTHSCHILD: You guys gotta sit down. Everybody, sit down. Come on down. Everybody, sit down. Sit down.

{Everyone takes their seats as Red takes his place at the front of the meeting, between Harold and Dalton. Winston then stands up.}


{The men all stand up. They all cross their arms over their chests.}

EVERYONE: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED GREEN: Sit down. {everyone does so} All right, bow your heads for the Man's Prayer. {they all bow their heads}

EVERYONE: I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. {everyone raises their heads again}

RED GREEN: Okay, guys, Christmas in July was not a big success. We're canceling the whole deal, which I think is good, because that would've lead to New Year's on Firecracker Day, and that would cost lives.

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